Divination Jokes
61 divination jokes and hilarious divination puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about divination that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Divination Short Jokes
Short divination jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The divination humour may include short jokes also.
- What’s the difference between an accordion heaven and hell? In heaven, the music is divine, and in hell, it’s an eternal polka party.
- A programming genius named Sewter Built a limerick-writing computer
The metre was fine
And the rhymes quite divine
But for some reason it always got the last line wrong - How to use religion to your advantage 1. Claim divine visitation of some nature
2. ???
3. Prophet - There's new offshoot of the Catholic Church that worships a paper bag as the divine manifestation of the One, True God. It's pretty sack-religious.
- Why do Reddit astrologers not try to divine humor from the movement of planets? Because the real joke is in the comets!
- Whoever wrote the Bible should've come up with two more divine entities So instead of calling it the "Holy Trinity" it would be the "Repentagon".
- What did the Oblivion character say when he saw a molecule of magnesium sulphate? BY THE NINE DIVINES! A SALT!
- Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is divine punishment against homosexuality. Has tested positive for the virus!!!
- If you're Divine and you want to stop a river, what do you do? You God Dam it!
-I thought this up after hearing mom say her 2nd favorite curse - I just installed TempleOS on my old laptop, and that divine touch has brought it back to life. The battery charge alone lasts five years.
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Divination One Liners
Which divination one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with divination? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Did you hear about the gay pope? He couldn't decide if he was divine or simply gorgeous.
- Our divine caster lost track of his healing spells. It was a clerical error.
- How do you cook divine spaghetti? Al Dante.
- Jesus said to his disciples I am divine And you are the branches
- What do you call someone who uses smoothies for divination? A smooth-sayer.
- What do you do when a God becomes an alcoholic? Divine intervention.
- You must be an angel, because your texture mapping is so divine!
- Did you know that Jesus is the wealthiest divinity? Jesus saves.
- I wanted to go to school for divination... But then I realized there was no future in it
- What does the emperor have when he goes for a sunday drive? he has Divine Right of way
- I tried to read Dante's Divine Comedy but I can never get past Purgatorio
- What is a synonym for the Holy Trinity? The divine t**...
- Where does a divine b**... live? A God Dam!
Divination Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about divination you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make divination pranks.
Three guys are about to be executed.
One's a lawyer, one's a priest, and one's an engineer.
They bring out the lawyer first, put him under the guillotine, and pull the lever, but the blade gets stuck halfway down. The lawyer goes, "Ah-ha! By pulling the lever, you have technically carried out the execution, which according to the sentence you can only do once. Trying again would constitute double jeopardy, which is unconstitutional. You have to let me go." Intimidated by this, the executioner frees him.
They bring out the priest next, put him under the guillotine. Again the blade gets stuck. The priest cries, "A miracle! God has reached down and spared my life. This is a sign that I am under His protection. You must free me at once, or incur the divine wrath." The executioner, a simple but God-fearing man, lets him go.
Finally they bring out the engineer. The executioner pulls the lever once again, and once again the blade stops halfway down. The engineer turns on his back and stares up at the guillotine, muttering under his breath. After a minute he calls the executioner over, points up at the mechanism, and says, "Well, there's your problem right there..."
An elderly gay gentleman has one too many at a bar on the night before Easter
And throwing trepidation to the winds, he stumbles towards home through Central Park. He gets terribly lost on 110th St. and ends up careering into St. John the Divine just as they're beginning midnight mass. The priest is walking up the aisle and swinging the censor when the man runs up to him and hisses, "sweetie, I love the dress, but your *handbag is on fire.*"
Church squirrels
All five churches in a small Texas town were having a terrible problem with squirrel infestations. Predictably, they all had different ways of dealing with the problem.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic church came up with what they thought was the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Still, the Jewish synagogue beat them all: they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called a bris -- and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Religious jokes can be funny
A Jewish man goes to his neighbor and tells him that his son ran away and became a Christian. The neighbor replies, "You know, it's funny you say that. A little while ago my son did the same." At that, they both went to the local rabbi to ask for guidance. When they tell the rabbi their stories, the rabbi thinks for a moment and says, "You know, it's funny you say that. A few years ago my son did the same. we should all pray and ask God for divine guidance." They started praying when suddenly God's voice came down saying, "You know, It's funny you say that..."
A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are taken to the guillotine...
On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."
Divine Frog
A family is driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
A charismatic preacher...
A charismatic preacher at a church invited any members of his flock who had problems to come forward so that prayers could be offered on their behalf. One rather scruffy, down at heel young man approached the pulpit and upon being asked the nature of his problem said, It's my hearing. The preacher then led the congregation in prayer asking for divine intervention to ease this poor man's affliction, accompanied by a chorus of praise the Lords, and Hallelujahs. Following this mass intervention the preacher asked the young man, How's your hearing now? to which he replied, It's not on 'till next Thursday.
Sophie walks into the church wearing a very low cut blouse.
The parish priest went up to her " you must not enter the house of God unless properly dressed"
" Oh, but I have a divine right"
"You also have a divine left" sighed the clergyman,"but I still have to insist that you should cover up"
A preacher feigns illness one Sunday morning.
His weekly sermon goes untold as the preacher slips out the back door of his house and makes his way to the golf course, all alone, as everyone else is in church.
The preacher's first shot from tee sails beautifully, curves gently in the wind, as if by divine intervention, hits the green and rolls into the cup. It's the preacher's first ever hole-in-one. He's absolutely ecstatic about it.
St. Peter watched the whole thing from Heaven's gate. He turns to God. "I saw that," Peter tells God. "That wind wasn't natural. Why would you help him like that? He should be preaching your word right now, not hitting holes-in-ones."
God shrugs. "Who's he going to tell?"
Intrepid Engineer
A Christian, a Muslim, and an engineer are sentenced to die at the guillotine.
The Christian goes first but when the executioner pulls the lever to release the blade, the blade suddenly stops halfway down the track with a loud "boing."
"Praise the Lord," the Christian exults, "who in his divine grace has saved me!" The executioner, impressed, tells him he is free to leave.
Next up, the Muslim puts his head in the machine and the executioner pulls the lever. Again, the blade stops abruptly halfway down. "There is no god but Allah," the Muslim cries, "who in his infinite mercy has saved me!" The executioner sets him free, too.
Meanwhile, the engineer has been peering attentively up at the guillotine. "I think I see your problem," he says.
Divining rod
Ivan, a man living in rural Russia, was quite well known in his community for success in locating groundwater for wells. He utilized a divining rod, but in quite an abnormal way--rather than holding it in his hands he balanced it on his nose, walking whichever way it leaned until it finally fell. Wherever it landed, they dug, and they found water every time. The story made its way to the US and it wasn't long before a journalist was on her way to interview Ivan. "What is your secret?" the journalist asked. "Secret? Is not so special..." Ivan replied, "I get up every morning and eat a well-balanced breakfast."
The priest, laywer, and engineer
By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go.
They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go.
Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."
What do you call the Moon spirit that at once sits upon a lake of glowing jade and exists nestled within our divine souls?
Altha'or syzygena
Did you hear about the hornet who left home in search of the divine truth?
He's a bee-leaver
During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.
The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.
The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.
As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…
Next Episode On h**... Kitchen...
"Is the wine divine or vintage?"
"D-divine chef."
"Jesus Christ..."
"Yes, probably."
"Here lies Tom B. Stone"
"He hated puns till' his dying day."
Source: Divinity: Original Sin
A long time ago, in the middle east
There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.
Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in public. Mere days later, a mysterious disease swept through the town and killed every last one of them.
They should have obeyed the Quran teen.
Suzy came to the church in a see-through blouse leaving nothing to imagination
After the congregation,the priest called her aside and said " you can't come to church dressed like that " pointing at her blouse.
"But I have a divine right" complained Suzy.
" And you have a divine left too " noted the priest " still you can't come dressed like that " .
Oh Divinity!
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she insists.
"Yes, I see. And you also have a divine left, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."
Suzy came to the church in a see-through blouse leaving almost nothing to imagination
After the congregation,the priest called her aside and said " you can't come to church dressed like that " pointing at her blouse.
"But I have a divine right" complained Suzy.
" And you have a divine left too " noted the priest " but still you can't come dressed like that " .
A divine mathematical story
After creating the world, the Lord looked at it and he said to the animals "Go forth and multiply!"
The snakes came to him and said "Oh Lord, please forgive us, we cannot do as you command, for we are adders".
The Lord turned to the trees and said "Fall over and build furniture from your trunk, because adders can multiply with the aid of log tables".
Words of the Lord of math.
Judy entered a church
She was wearing a see through blouse and no bra.
"You can't come into this church dressed like that!" Exclaimed the priest.
"But I have a divine right!" Replied Judy.
"You have a divine left too, but you still can't come in dressed like that!"
A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.
The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
The engineer places his head under the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says:
'Wait a minute, I see your problem...'
Christian theologians have long maintained that Jesus is both human and divine simultaneously. A recent squabble has divided them over the subject of His nostrils. I know which side I'm on
I'm going with the God-only-nose crowd