Dives Jokes

29 dives jokes and hilarious dives puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dives that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Dives Short Jokes

Short dives jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dives humour may include short lands jokes also.

  1. Everyone pees in the pool... But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.
  2. "Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool." "But everyone pees in the pool!"
    "Yes, but not from the diving board."
  3. All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her. Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.
  4. I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.
    "But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.
    "But not while standing on the diving board!"
  5. The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing. Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.
  6. Some lifeguard kicked me out of the pool for peeing in it. I told him everyone does it. He told me not off the diving board
  7. One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison. I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.
  8. You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave.... One of them would have known how to dive
  9. I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day at work. Deep down.., I realized it wasn't for me.
  10. What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea? Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.

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Dives One Liners

Which dives one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dives? I can suggest the ones about rides and surf.

  1. If at first you don't suceed... sky diving isn't for you.
  2. What did Mr. T say after throwing five $10 bills off the diving board? I fitty da pool!
  3. I hate scuba diving It was the lowest moment of my life.
  4. Deep down... ...I knew scuba diving wasn't for me.
  5. I recently quit my job as a scuba diving instructor I couldn't handle the pressure.
  6. Every bar in Houston right now.. a dive bar.
  7. Where do mermaids go to watch movies? The dive in.
  8. I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving... One day I lobster and never flounder again.
  9. Did you hear about the guy who vomited while sky diving? It's all over town.
  10. Why can't bill clinton go scuba diving? He won't inhale.
  11. Guy walks into a bar... Find out more on the next episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.
  12. How do you know a swimming pool is safe for diving It deep ends.
  13. An Expensive Scuba Diving Store in My Town Just Opened It went under
  14. You know what they say? If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving is not for you.
  15. My friends tried to take me to an underwater tavern but I declined. I hate dive bars.

Dives joke, My friends tried to take me to an underwater tavern but I declined.

Cheerful Fun Dives Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about dives you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean marine jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dives pranks.

A schoolboy rescues President Trump

A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.
The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.
"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.
A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair? the president asks.
Well, the boy explains, when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.

A biologist, physicist, and a chemist all go to the beach for the first time.

The physicist, upon seeing the majestic waves, exclaims,
"Behold! I wonder how much force the waves of the ocean can produce?"
And so he dives into the water but is never seen again.
The biologist, upon seeing fish in the water, cries out,
"I wonder how many life forms live in the depths below?"
And so he too dives into the water and is never seen again.
The chemist, after having observed everything that happened, then pulls out his lab notebook and writes,
*The physicist and the biologist were both soluble in water.*

the newlyweds go to the hotel swimming pool...

The guy goes to the diving board and performs a 2 1/2 sommersaults with 2 twists backwards.
-"Whoa, that was impressive," says the wife when the man comes back.
-"I was a double medallist in London olympics, dear".
So the woman dives in and does 90 lenghts of the pool in 2 1/2 minutes.
-"Baby, that WAS impressive", says the husband.
-"I was a p**... in Venice, dear"

First baby asks second baby Are you a boy baby or a girl baby?

Second baby I don't know...
First baby Let me look. Dives under second baby's blanket and comes up red faced and says You're a boy baby!
Second baby How can you tell?
First baby (triumphantly) You have blue socks!

What's the difference between Neymar and a Dolphin?

When a dolphin dives he's fishing for a carp for food on a reef ...
When Neymar dives he's fishing for a card from a fool of a ref

Three gurus on top of a mountain sit in meditation.

One of them opens his eyes and whispers "Life...", then closes his eyes and keeps on meditating.
Seasons come and go, twenty years pass, then the second guru opens his eyes and whispers " suffering...". Then stops suddenly and dives deep into meditation again.
After another twenty years of meditation the third guru opens his eyes and says "C'mon guys, are we here for chitchat????"

TIL the USS Colorado made nearly 12,000 career dives during WWII- significantly more than most modern submarines- and sunk the last Japanese warship of the war!

Sorry, wrong sub :(

Three fishermen

Bob, Steve, and Terry are out in the boat, fishing and drinking beer. Terry stands up to pee over the side but falls overboard and sinks right to the bottom.
Steve doesn't hesitate. He kicks off his shoes and dives into the water after Terry. A few moments later, he surfaces, dragging the body behind, and immediately begins mouth-to-mouth.
"Jeez," he gasps. "Terry sure does have bad breath!"
"Yeah," says Bob. "And where did he get that snowmobile suit?"

What do you call an actor that scuba dives?

Johnny Depth

A pizza delivery boy is late on his delivery.

The woman at the door tells him he's 5 minutes late and that she gets the pizza free. The pizza delivery boy asks her if there is any other way since the pizza will be taken out of his pay! She asks if he knows any jokes. He says he knows one about Sherlock homes. She asks him if he could tell it and maybe she'll not repost the pizza being late. He dives into the joke and at the end asks what she thinks. The woman says: It was a good joke, but you need to work on your delivery.

A man went swimming one day....

A man wanted to goswimming in the ocean. We walked down to the beach and he saw a fisherman. He asked the fisherman " are there any sharks in the water?" The fisherman said "well obviously, the ocean is huge! But in this particular area, no there are no sharks." The man asks again "you are absolutely certain that there are no sharks around here?". So the fisherman replies again "yes, I'm sure, there are no sharks in the water around here." So fairly convinced in his safety, the man takes of his shirt and runs into the water, I dives in and as soon as he surfaces the fisherman yells "there aren't any sharks because the gators got em all!"

Two hunters were walking around in the woods around twilight

One of them grabs the other and pulls him back from a 6-foot diameter, perfectly smooth hole.
"You saved my life" says the hunter. "I wonder how far down that hole goes..."
So they find an old anvil and throw it in the hole. As they're listening for the anvil to hit, a goat comes running up behind them, about 20 miles per hour, and dives into the hole.
A farmer comes along and asks the hunters if they've seen a goat. One responds "We're so sorry, we saw your goat run up behind us and he dove into this hole."
The farmer responds "That's impossible, I had him chained to an anvil."

A female dwarf goes to a doctor......

........complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.
The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk..
He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
The doctor emerges from under her skirt.
"How's that?" he asks
"Well, it's a lot better actually" she says, "'s still there."
Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
Snip, snip, snip,snip..
Out he comes. "How's that?"
He asks again more confidently.
"That's wonderful! What did you do?" she asked.
"Oh nothing, I just trimmed the top of your Ugg boots"

Dives joke, A female dwarf goes to a doctor......