Ditch Jokes
64 ditch jokes and hilarious ditch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ditch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a way to get your kicks without lame jokes? Ditch traditional ding dong ditch and try something bigger — whether you're driving along the highway or walking beside a canal, find new ways to have fun without the kind of jokes that just don't land.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Ditch Short Jokes
Short ditch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ditch humour may include short hitch jokes also.
- Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell into a ditch She screamed until she was blue in the hand.
- Did you hear about the butcher's assistant who ditched work to try out for the football team? He didn't make the cut.
- Last Halloween i dressed up as Julius Caesar, and my friends ditched me Talk about getting stabbed in the back
- During a police chase a man left a car in an embankment at the side of the road The police say he ditched it.
- I've always had trouble connecting with people... Even as a child my imaginary friend would ditch me to play with the kid across the street
- A guy is at a prom telling a joke to his friends Halfway through his joke he realizes there is no punchline.
So he ditches his friends to grab a cup of punch. - What's green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs? A girl scout that got hit by a car.
- What's brown, black and blue and lays at the bottom of a ditch? A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes.
- In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains. Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.
- The Night's Watch can ramp up the number of new recruits by... ...ditching its archaic name in favour of something hip like Snow Patrol.
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Ditch One Liners
Which ditch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ditch? I can suggest the ones about dumpster and trench.
- What's it called when Batman ditches church? Christian bail.
- The lastest celebrity to ditch plastic is.... Kanye West
- Why did the pilot ditch his ex-girlfriend? Because she had way too much excess baggage.
- What did Batman's friends say when he ditched them Christian Bailed
- I was caught after ditching a cab without paying... I was charged with Taxi Evasion.
- A jumbo jet ditches into the caribbean It was plane sailing from then on
- Two paleontologists where moaning in a ditch One found a bone
- Apple ditches the headphone jack. ... and don't you come back no more, no more, no more !
- Did you hear about the ditch dug in the early 20th century? It was a great depression.
- Plumber ditches wife Plumber Ditches his wife.
"Its Over-Flo" - what do you call a sad ditch? a depression.
- What does a Princess & Harambe have in common? They both Dianna ditch
- What's red and orange and lays in a ditch?
- Why did the indian cross the road? To sleep in the other ditch.
- What grows longer the more you cut it at both ends? A ditch.
Ditch Digging Jokes
Here is a list of funny ditch digging jokes and even better ditch digging puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If chopsticks were really better than a fork... ...wouldn't we be digging ditches with pool cues?
- Who goes dig d**... ditching more than anyone? The UPS man.
Ding Dong Ditch Jokes
Here is a list of funny ding dong ditch jokes and even better ding dong ditch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 1: Knock Knock! 2: Who's There? \[5 seconds of silence\]
2: Oh it's a ding d**... ditch(ding d**... dash). - An immature kid decides to play ding d**... ditch
- What is Caitlyn Jenner's favorite prank? The ding-d**... ditch
Hilarious Fun Ditch Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about ditch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drain jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ditch pranks.
Joke about how dangerous China is
An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"
The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"
Dumping garbage
The Sheriff pulled up next to a guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up truck into a ditch. The Sheriff asks, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'FINE FOR DUMPING GARBAGE.'"
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down an abandoned road... (somewhat offensive)
and they come across a little boy in the unconscious in the ditch. After thinking for a moment, the Priest says "let's screw him" to which the Rabbi replies "out of what?"
Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years.
What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall?
Art.
What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch?
Matt.
What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole?
Doug.
What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch?
Phil.
What do you call a quadriplegic doing water ski jumps?
Skip.
What do you call a quadriplegic floating in the water?
Bob.
What do you call a quadriplegic playing in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
What do you call a quadriplegic inside of your mail box?
Bill.
Two black guys are walking down the road when they are run over by a drunk-driving cop...
The first guy went through the windshield and the second guy was thrown 50 feet and landed in the ditch.
The first black guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second guy was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.
A man was being chased in the woods by a lion who was going to eat him...
He ran his hardest, but the lion was advancing quickly. Just as it looked like the end for him, he decided on a last ditch effort. Being Catholic, he looked to the sky, dropped to his knees, and desperately prayed. "Lord!" he exclaimed. "Make this lion a Christian!" Instantly the lion pressed his paws together and prayed "For this meal in which I am about to partake..."
a southern sheriff is investigating a m**......
...and is writing where they died. the sheriff writes "the first fella died in the d-i-t-c-h." then he goes to the second body and writes "this fella died in the d-i-t-c-h." then he goes to the third body and writes "this fella died in the ~~b-o-w-l~~ ~~b-o-l-e-v-a-r~~ ~~b-u-o-l-o-v~~" and then he moved the body into the ditch.
What did the cow say when she got hit by a car?
"Moo."
What did the cow saw when she fell into a ditch?
"Moo."
What did the cow say when she fell onto the electric fence?
"Moo."
What did the cow say when she got hit by a train?
"Why does everything always happen to meeee?"
Protip: My dad wrote this joke for me when I was six.
"My close friend died in a plane c**..."
"Really? Wow, I'm awfully sorry."
"I know. He was walking one day while looking up at a plane passing by and fell in a ditch."
Helen Keller
I pushed Helen Keller into a ditch in the middle of the woods, she screamed and screamed until her hands hurt.
The lone Ranger and Tonto
The lone ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says "Tonto are you ok"? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says "buffalo come" the lone Ranger says " you can tell that by listening to the ground"? Tonto says "no, ground very sticky.
What's the difference between a squirrel and a politician lying dead in a ditch?
There are brake marks before the squirrel.
Jim and Joe are digging a ditch...
They've been at it for weeks. Every morning they arrive with their shovel and get to digging. One day, Jim arrives with nothing but a stick.
"Where's your shovel?" Joe asks.
"Sure does!" Jim replies.
Pulling Together
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
Today my girlfriend and I went shopping in that fancy new mall next to the hospital...
Apparently "dying of boredom" is nota valid excuse to ditch her mid-spree to hide in the ER.
What did the T-72 Tank say to the M1 Abrams Tank after the M1 pushed it out of a ditch?
Tank you!
I'll tread myself out now..
A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long)
A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report.
"Left arm - found in ditch"
"Left leg - found in ditch"
~~"Head - found in bulavard~~
~~"Head - found in boulavard~~
*kick*
"Head - found in ditch"
If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her f**...
She'd be spinning in her ditch
Did you hear about the ditch digger who showed up to work hung over?
His clothes were in tatters, he was wearing one sock, and didn't even bring his tools.
His coworkers said he looked deshoveled
A guy is driving with his girlfriend Erin. He called her 'E' for short.
E was feeling frisky so she decided to give him road head. He was so excited he drove off the road and crashed into a ditch.
E lost the use of her legs. Her parents were very upset and he tried to console them.
He apologized for getting E-wrecked while he was driving.
A tow truck driver is pulling a lady out of the ditch....
He says to her "you are the second pregnant lady I've pulled out of the ditch today". With a bit of confusion she hastily replies "I am not pregnant". He pauses and calmly states "you are not out of the ditch yet".
If my grandmother knew how much we paid for her f**......
She would roll over in her ditch.
I have an idea for a new reality TV show
Where landowners give up a small patch of unused land to innovative companies that produce energy.
Frack My Ditch Up.
What's the difference between a drug addicted hobo lying dead in the ditch and Whitney Houston?
Only one of them will always you.
What was the headline when a former Ghostbuster's family dug a really long ditch in his home country?
A Dan, A Clan, A Canal, Canada
My friend has a f**... and his crush asked him out last night
She told him to meet her on Sunday but he already had plans with me and some friends
He decided to come with us and told us you know I wouldn't ditch you, bros before toes!
Not for you
A Christian Armenian man walking by the border of Armenia and Iran sees a few Iranian men pushing a car stuck in a ditch. Every time the Iranian men push they yell allah akbar! 1.. 2... 3... Allah akbarrr! As the Armenian man joins in pushing the car, the Iranians are surprised to hear the Christian man also yell allah akbar. One Iranian man says allah is our god not yours, why do you call on his name? The Armenian man replies "I'm not going to work my god for your a**..."
Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch
Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch.
As he approaches a beautiful brunette steps out.
Man: "Wow! Your the second pregnant woman I've pulled out of this ditch today!"
Woman: "I'm not pregnant!"
Man: "Well you're not out of the ditch yet either!"
Source: overheard on my wife's phone while she was browsing some app and it made me chuckle
So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his s**....
John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his s**... and cut off John's ear.
"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."
After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John.
"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back in the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it."
Pull
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
A man goes to the bar and sees a dirty old man outside, fishing in the ditch with a stick and a string.
Feeling pity for the invalid, he invites him into the bar and buys him a drink. The man is grateful and repeatedly thanks him.
"You were fishing outside, have you caught anything?" he asks the old man jokingly.
He replies, smiling. "Yes! You are the seventh today!"
A drunk spots a preacher sitting next to a wrecked car in a ditch,
So the drunk pulls over and asks the preacher, "are you ok?", the preacher replied " Yes my son, I'm fine, God was riding with me', and the drunk responded, "Preacher, you better let God ride with me, you're gonna kill him".
