The Best 40 Ditch Jokes

Joke about how dangerous China is

An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"

The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"

Dumping garbage

The Sheriff pulled up next to a guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up truck into a ditch. The Sheriff asks, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'FINE FOR DUMPING GARBAGE.'"

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down an abandoned road... (somewhat offensive)

and they come across a little boy in the unconscious in the ditch. After thinking for a moment, the Priest says "let's screw him" to which the Rabbi replies "out of what?"

Two black guys are walking down the road when they are run over by a drunk-driving cop...

The first guy went through the windshield and the second guy was thrown 50 feet and landed in the ditch.

The first black guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second guy was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

A man was being chased in the woods by a lion who was going to eat him...

He ran his hardest, but the lion was advancing quickly. Just as it looked like the end for him, he decided on a last ditch effort. Being Catholic, he looked to the sky, dropped to his knees, and desperately prayed. "Lord!" he exclaimed. "Make this lion a Christian!" Instantly the lion pressed his paws together and prayed "For this meal in which I am about to partake..."

a southern sheriff is investigating a murder...

...and is writing where they died. the sheriff writes "the first fella died in the d-i-t-c-h." then he goes to the second body and writes "this fella died in the d-i-t-c-h." then he goes to the third body and writes "this fella died in the ~~b-o-w-l~~ ~~b-o-l-e-v-a-r~~ ~~b-u-o-l-o-v~~" and then he moved the body into the ditch.

Two paleontologists where moaning in a ditch

One found a bone

"My close friend died in a plane crash"

"Really? Wow, I'm awfully sorry."
"I know. He was walking one day while looking up at a plane passing by and fell in a ditch."

Helen Keller

I pushed Helen Keller into a ditch in the middle of the woods, she screamed and screamed until her hands hurt.

What's brown, black and blue and lays at the bottom of a ditch?

A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes.

What's green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?

A girl scout that got hit by a car.

what do you call a sad ditch?

a depression.

The lone Ranger and Tonto

The lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says "Tonto are you ok"? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says "buffalo come" the lone Ranger says " you can tell that by listening to the ground"? Tonto says "no, ground very sticky.

An immature kid decides to play ding dong ditch

What's the difference between a squirrel and a politician lying dead in a ditch?

There are brake marks before the squirrel.

Jim and Joe are digging a ditch...

They've been at it for weeks. Every morning they arrive with their shovel and get to digging. One day, Jim arrives with nothing but a stick.
"Where's your shovel?" Joe asks.
"Sure does!" Jim replies.

Pulling Together

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.

Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Today my girlfriend and I went shopping in that fancy new mall next to the hospital...

Apparently "dying of boredom" is nota valid excuse to ditch her mid-spree to hide in the ER.

In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains.

Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.

What did the T-72 Tank say to the M1 Abrams Tank after the M1 pushed it out of a ditch?

Tank you!

I'll tread myself out now..

Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell into a ditch

She screamed until she was blue in the hand.

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

What is Caitlyn Jenner's favorite prank?

The ding-dong ditch

Did you hear about the ditch digger who showed up to work hung over?

His clothes were in tatters, he was wearing one sock, and didn't even bring his tools.

His coworkers said he looked deshoveled

Did you hear about the ditch dug in the early 20th century?

It was a great depression.

A guy is driving with his girlfriend Erin. He called her 'E' for short.

E was feeling frisky so she decided to give him road head. He was so excited he drove off the road and crashed into a ditch.

E lost the use of her legs. Her parents were very upset and he tried to console them.

He apologized for getting E-wrecked while he was driving.

A tow truck driver is pulling a lady out of the ditch....

He says to her "you are the second pregnant lady I've pulled out of the ditch today". With a bit of confusion she hastily replies "I am not pregnant". He pauses and calmly states "you are not out of the ditch yet".

I've always had trouble connecting with people...

Even as a child my imaginary friend would ditch me to play with the kid across the street

If my grandmother knew how much we paid for her funeral...

She would roll over in her ditch.

I have an idea for a new reality TV show

Where landowners give up a small patch of unused land to innovative companies that produce energy.

Frack My Ditch Up.

What's the difference between a drug addicted hobo lying dead in the ditch and Whitney Houston?

Only one of them will always you.

What was the headline when a former Ghostbuster's family dug a really long ditch in his home country?

A Dan, A Clan, A Canal, Canada

My friend has a foot fetish and his crush asked him out last night

She told him to meet her on Sunday but he already had plans with me and some friends

He decided to come with us and told us you know I wouldn't ditch you, bros before toes!

Not for you

A Christian Armenian man walking by the border of Armenia and Iran sees a few Iranian men pushing a car stuck in a ditch. Every time the Iranian men push they yell allah akbar! 1.. 2... 3... Allah akbarrr! As the Armenian man joins in pushing the car, the Iranians are surprised to hear the Christian man also yell allah akbar. One Iranian man says allah is our god not yours, why do you call on his name? The Armenian man replies "I'm not going to work my god for your ass"

The lastest celebrity to ditch plastic is....

Kanye West

Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch

Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch.
As he approaches a beautiful brunette steps out.

Man: "Wow! Your the second pregnant woman I've pulled out of this ditch today!"

Woman: "I'm not pregnant!"

Man: "Well you're not out of the ditch yet either!"


Source: overheard on my wife's phone while she was browsing some app and it made me chuckle

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John.

"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back in the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it."