Distress Jokes
34 distress jokes and hilarious distress puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about distress that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh your troubles away with these funny distress jokes! Whether you are in distress or simply looking to lighten up the mood, we have a collection of jokes to make you smile. From damsels in distress to clipboard trouble, we have a joke to make you laugh through any pain. Enjoy!
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Funniest Distress Short Jokes
Short distress jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The distress humour may include short distraught jokes also.
- The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused mark zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
- A kid gets home very distressed..... And says "mom everyone at school says that im always distracted"
"FOR THE LAST TIME KID, YOU LIVE NEXT DOOR!!!!" - When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up, that's distressing.
- A homeless man called me an idiot, so I told him I was suing for emotional distress. He told me that I knew he was poor and that I wasn't making any cents.
- An American ship is sending out a distress signal, "HELP, we are sinking!" German ship radios back in "What are you sinking about?"
- I've just watched a distressing film on how African children have to walk up to ten miles to bring water to their village. I think it was far fetched.
- What do you call a stomach ache you get from eating a Cuban sandwich? Castro-intestinal distress.
- My wife has cancer and the doctor has prescribed heavy morphine doses for the pain and distress. It works, when I have taken them I can hardly hear her crying at all.
- Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf? He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
- I told my wife I deserve to be knighted after I fixed her dying phone. I saved a d**... cell in distress.
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Distress One Liners
Which distress one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with distress? I can suggest the ones about anxiety and trauma.
- What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress? Magnets
- How do you distress a leather jacket? By telling it punk is dead!
- Why did Princess Leia send a distress call to Francis? Because he was her only Pope.
- What do I do during distress? Ice cream
- I'm concerned about my jeans. They seem so distressed.
- The princess was in distress... Because the Queen told her to wear dis dress.
- What do you call a plum in a pickle? A damson in distress!
- What do you give to a merperson in distress? Meraid.
- What happens when a virus attacks a cell? There's a d**... cell in distress.
- What do you call a ghost in need of help? A d**... soul in distress
Witty Distress Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about distress you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tension jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make distress pranks.
A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber p**..., floated in the vicinity.
The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.
"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.
"It was a dictatorship."
A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar
All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big e**... and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear"
A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.
The husband has a plan.
He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."
About one fourth of the guests stands up.
He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."
Another one fourth of the guests stands up.
He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."
A European m**... goes to an African tribe...
... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.
However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The m**... looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "
In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"
Fella rescued a damsel in distress.
Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You s**..., you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"
Alien abduction
Harry, Bill, and Steve are siting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed. "Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and was abducted by an alien." Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?" "All I remember is being anally probed." Ted says. Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that." Says Harry. "What did the alien look like?" Ted responds, "Steve."
A lady is giving birth in the hospital...
A lady is giving birth in the hospital. Her husband is sitting next to the doctor across the room from her. Suddenly a look of distress comes across her face and she begins screaming: "CAN'T!.." "WON'T!.." "COULDN'T!.." "SHOULDN'T!..". Her husband begins to feel deeply worried and turns to the doctor. The doctor turns back toward him, smiles and says: "Don't worry, it's just contractions.".
A distressed but attractive woman
A distressed but attractive woman stands at the top of a cliff trying to get together the nerve to jump.
A passing hobo stops and asks "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, do you mind if we have s**... first?"
The woman replies, "Get away from me you sicko"
As the hobo turns and walks away he mutters "fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom then"
British ship
So a British boat is sunk by a U-boat during world war 2
the British in distress send out the message- Help! Help! we are sinking!
the German U-boat picks up the message and says- What are you sinking about?
A British ship is sinking.
The radio operator is sending out a distress call saying "Mayday, mayday we are sinking. Please help."
A few kilometers away, a German ship hears the call, and the radio operator, who doesn't speak English very well and is new on the job, answers
"uh hello, we hear you. Um, what are you sinking about?"
A man goes to his rabbi.
He says to the rabbi, "I think my wife is trying to poison me but I have no idea why". The rabbi, concerned about the distress the Jew was experiencing says "Don't worry, I will talk to your wife." A few days pass and the man returns to his rabbi still fearing for his life. The rabbi sits him down and says to him "My child, I spent several hours speaking to your wife, follow my advice, take the poison."
Bar Joke
A visibly exhausted and distressed man walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "No, all days are 24 hours long," the man replied, amazed at how uneducated the bartender was.
After a long labourous birth...
... the gynecologist finally holds the baby. Just as he is about to give it to the mom, he drops it on the floor.
The mother cries out in distress, and the doctor goes: "April's fools! It was already dead!"
A brunette's pain
A distressed brunette tells her doctor that no matter where she touches her body, she feels horrible pain. The doctor asks her to demonstrate. She proceeds to touch her chin, which results in a whimper. She touches her breast, and she starts to cry. She touches her leg and she lets out a scream.
"Stop," he says, " I believe I know what ails you. But first I must ask, are you naturally a blonde?"
"Why yes I am," she says, "how did you know?"
"You have a broken finger"
A woman goes to the doctor due to some distressing symptoms.
She tells him she can't stop dancing and crooning ballads.
Ma'am, you have Tom Jones syndrome he says.
Oh no! Is it rare? She asks.
Well, it's not unusual....
An English ship is in distress at sea.
One of the English crew members is doing a radio call asking for help: We are sinking! We are sinking! Can anyone hear? We are sinking!
A German ship is nearby and receives the emergency call. One of the crew members answers: Oh how nice! What are you sinking about?
Three nuns.
Three nuns are at the grocery store shopping. The eggplant they wanted to buy was only available in packs of four. Distressed, the first nun says , what do we do sister? There are three of us, but the package is for four! Don't you worry about that, says the second nun. We'll just cook the fourth eggplant for dinner.
A distressed man is in the cemetery
crying his eyes out and beating a tombstone while shouting "Why did you have to die! Why did you have to die!"
A nearby man comes up to him and asks him "I'm very sorry, was she your wife?"
The distressed man looks up at him and responds "it was her first husband".
