The Best 26 Distress Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Distress jokes. There are some distress difficulties jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these distress apprehensive puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Distress Jokes and Puns
Inspiration.
A priest sees a young man walk into his church. He's downtrodden, shabby-looking, obviously in distress.
"My son, what's troubling you?"
"Oh, Father, I'm at my wit's end. I got fired, the bills are piling up, my credit cards are maxed out, I'm about to lose everything. I don't know what to do!"
"Take heart, my son" the priest says. "All shall be well in the fullness of time. Go to a nice, quiet park, where you can be at one with nature. Set your bible on a table, contemplate your trials and tribulations, and wait for the wind to flip the pages of your good book. Read what it says there, and you shall find your inspiration."
The man leaves, and the priest does not see him for several weeks. Then one day, the young man pulls up to the church driving a new Porsche, wearing an expensive Italian designer suit, obviously on top of the world.
"My goodness, son, you've certainly turned your life around!"
"Yes, Father, and I owe it all to you! I did what you said-when I looked at my bible, I knew I had found the answer!"
"That's wonderful, son. But if I may ask, what was it that you read?"
"Chapter 13."
British ship
So a British boat is sunk by a U-boat during world war 2
the British in distress send out the message- Help! Help! we are sinking!
the German U-boat picks up the message and says- What are you sinking about?
A man goes to his rabbi.
He says to the rabbi, "I think my wife is trying to poison me but I have no idea why". The rabbi, concerned about the distress the Jew was experiencing says "Don't worry, I will talk to your wife." A few days pass and the man returns to his rabbi still fearing for his life. The rabbi sits him down and says to him "My child, I spent several hours speaking to your wife, follow my advice, take the poison."
What do you call a stomach ache you get from eating a Cuban sandwich?
Castro-intestinal distress.
Fella rescued a damsel in distress.
Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You SOB, you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"
The German Coast Guard receives a distress signal from an American ship...
The American captain says "Mayday! Mayday! We're sinking! I repeat, we are sinking!"
The German Coast Guard replies "Oh that's nice, what are you sinking about?"
A lady is giving birth in the hospital...
A lady is giving birth in the hospital. Her husband is sitting next to the doctor across the room from her. Suddenly a look of distress comes across her face and she begins screaming: "CAN'T!.." "WON'T!.." "COULDN'T!.." "SHOULDN'T!..". Her husband begins to feel deeply worried and turns to the doctor. The doctor turns back toward him, smiles and says: "Don't worry, it's just contractions.".
Beth had her Dodge truck stolen
Beth had her dodge truck stolen. She called the police and they told her they'd send their best detective out in search of her Dodge. The woman called her son John and told him all about what had happened. When John told his girlfriend about it, she was wrought with distress. John said to her, "don't worry, the dick's out for her ram, bae."
My wife has cancer and the doctor has prescribed heavy morphine doses for the pain and distress.
It works, when I have taken them I can hardly hear her crying at all.
Why did Princess Leia send a distress call to Francis?
Because he was her only Pope.
The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.
He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
You can explore distress pain reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean distress immediately dad jokes. There are also distress puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A distressed but attractive woman
A distressed but attractive woman stands at the top of a cliff trying to get together the nerve to jump.
A passing hobo stops and asks "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, do you mind if we have sex first?"
The woman replies, "Get away from me you sicko"
As the hobo turns and walks away he mutters "fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom then"
A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.
The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.
"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.
"It was a dictatorship."
The princess was in distress...
Because the Queen told her to wear dis dress.
What do you call a ghost in need of help?
A damned soul in distress
What happens when a virus attacks a cell?
There's a damn cell in distress.
An American ship is sending out a distress signal, "HELP, we are sinking!"
German ship radios back in "What are you sinking about?"
What do I do during distress?
Ice cream
A British ship is sinking.
The radio operator is sending out a distress call saying "Mayday, mayday we are sinking. Please help."
A few kilometers away, a German ship hears the call, and the radio operator, who doesn't speak English very well and is new on the job, answers
"uh hello, we hear you. Um, what are you sinking about?"
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
A homeless man called me an idiot, so I told him I was suing for emotional distress.
He told me that I knew he was poor and that I wasn't making any cents.
A distressed man is in the cemetery
crying his eyes out and beating a tombstone while shouting "Why did you have to die! Why did you have to die!"
A nearby man comes up to him and asks him "I'm very sorry, was she your wife?"
The distressed man looks up at him and responds "it was her first husband".
An English ship is in distress at sea.
One of the English crew members is doing a radio call asking for help: We are sinking! We are sinking! Can anyone hear? We are sinking!
A German ship is nearby and receives the emergency call. One of the crew members answers: Oh how nice! What are you sinking about?
After a long labourous birth...
... the gynecologist finally holds the baby. Just as he is about to give it to the mom, he drops it on the floor.
The mother cries out in distress, and the doctor goes: "April's fools! It was already dead!"
I told my wife I deserve to be knighted after I fixed her dying phone.
I saved a damn cell in distress.
How do you distress a leather jacket?
By telling it punk is dead!
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the distress woe jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working distress damsel piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.