The Best 49 Distraught Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Distraught jokes. There are some distraught despondent jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these distraught tells puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Distraught Jokes and Puns

A man tries to get into a classy nightclub

but gets stopped by the bouncer. "You have to have a tie to get in here bro," says the bouncer. Distraught the man goes to his car and searches for a tie but can only find jumper cables. He wraps them around his neck and goes back to the club. "Can I get in now?" he asks. "Yea ok," says the bouncer, "But don't start anything!"

Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."

An atom is walking down the street...

An atom is walking down the street when he meets a friend of his, who is evidently distraught. "What's the matter...is everything OK?" the atom asks his friend. "Well, I think I might have lost an electron," responds the other atom. "Are you sure?" asks the first. "I'm positive!" replies his friend.

Distraught joke, An atom is walking down the street...

A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

A group of friends went golfing one day...

-and after the round one of the men was very distraught after hitting a 107.
-He was so angry that he didn't even want to go to the bar afterwards to have a drink with his friends.
-So he decided to just drive home and take a load off.
-When he walked in the door his wife asked him how his round of golf went.
-He then punched her right in the face and said "I'm hitting everything fat today."


Bob and Jill (A Poem)

Bob and Jill love each other
Jill is soon to be a mother
They've known each other for a long time
But Jill was distraught when her boy wasn't fine
He came out all deformed
They should have listened when they were warned
Cause they were told when they started lovin
It wouldn't work, because they are cousins

Two kids are walking down a dirt path...

a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.

"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother who see her daughter crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the mother. The daughter tells her mother about the situation and when she is done her mother only smiles.

The next day the boy and girl are walking along the same path. The boy notices the girl is smiling even more than he is and demands to know why. The girl, turns to him, pulls up her skirt and says "my mom says as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"

Distraught joke, Two kids are walking down a dirt path...

Achy breaky heart.

At the age of 98, Mildred was distraught to be left a widow. She decided to ended it all with her husband's revolver and join him in death. To make sure she did it properly she called the doctor and asked exactly where the heart is located. The doctor replied that the heart is just below the left breast. Hearing that she took the revolver and placed it on the spot and fired. Half an hour later she was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound-to her left knee.

Two sociologists came upon a man lying distraught in the gutter after being beaten and robbed ...

As they looked down upon the battered and bleeding body one of them remarked- we must find the people responsible for this terrible attack, they're obviously in desperate need of our help .

A guy walks into his therapist's office

visibly distraught, nervously shaking and exclaims "I'm a wigwam!" his head tweaks a little, eyes twitch and says "I'm a tepee". Another head twitch "I'm a wigwam!! I'm a tepee!" *twitch* "I'm a wigwam!" ... "I'm a tepee"!

The therapist grabs him firmly by the shoulders and says "Calm down! Calm down, you're too tense!"

There was an International Job opening.

Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"

Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.

You can explore distraught asks reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean distraught visibly dad jokes. There are also distraught puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


back in '02 a general came to George W and informed him that we accidentally dropped a missile in the wrong area and it killed 3 Brazilian men...

Dubya looked VERY distraught and looked over at Condoleezza Rice and asked, "exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

Two friends are hunting in the woods

when one says to the other, "Hey, I can see your house from here. Your wife is in the bedroom with some guy!"

The distraught husband says, "Please, I need you to shoot her in the head, and then shoot him in the nuts."

"Easy," the friend says. "I can make that in one shot."

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season.

The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"

Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

Distraught joke, Medication

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.

The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."

The Dictionary responds "You don't even know the meaning of the word."

The Thesaurus then says "But I know what it's like."

Last year for Easter, we got these cool egg decorating kits, with markers, stickers, stencils etc.

I was trying to do an elaborate floral pattern on my eggs, but the stencil kept slipping. I got reeeeally distraught. More distraught than I had any right to be. But no matter how much I concentrated, I couldn't get the stencil to stay in the right place.

I was having an eggs n' stencil crisis.

A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm.

"Damned if you do, dammed if you don't."


Why did the Russian official commit suicide?

He was so distraught about disappointing Vladimir Putin that he shot himself in the back of the head, twice.

So Hitler decides to go see a psychic...

...and the psychic tells him that he will die on the day of a Jewish holiday. Hitler, obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it.

After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, "Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,".

I was absolutely distraught when my girlfriend told me she'd had a miscarriage.

I had to leave the pub and go to the hospital.

Rabbits died

My neighbor's pair of pet rabbits died unexpectedly within hours of each other. She was distraught. I suggested she go to my friend the taxidermist. When she arrived, my friend tried to console her and she asked him if he could create a memorial. "Of course", he replied. He explained that he could stuff them and they would almost look lifelike. He asked if she would like them mounted.
"No" she said, "holding paws would be fine."

An Asian man walked into a bar, clearly distraught

Bartender says, "Why the Wong face?"

My doctor just called and said he has bad news and worse news

I asked what the bad news was and he said "you've got 24hrs to live"

I was distraught, what could be worse than that I asked?

"well, I tried calling you yesterday"

Same problem

A Jewish guy converts to Christianity. His distraught father prays, "Oh God, my son converted to Christianity! What should I do?"

God says, "You know, I had that same problem..."

My husband was quite distraught and incoherent after losing his job at the cologne factory.

I don't know how to reply; he just isn't making scents anymore.

Taking a lesson because her golf game had been going so badly, a woman had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee.

Distraught and rather angry and disheartened besides, she went back into the clubhouse and told the golf pro about the incident.

"Where did it sting you?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

The pro shook his head and quickly exclaimed: "That's your problem right there. You have your feet too far apart.

Mike Tyson went to the hospital to say goodbye to his now dead friend...

He was distraught but as he regained his composure he noticed a doctor in the room with him.

Mike said, Doctor, please tell me, what was the cause of death?

The puzzled doctor responded, No Sir, this man hasn't lost his hearing. He's dead.

An obese woman goes to the doctor.

She explains to the Doctor that she has been very nauseas and vomiting, even more so in the morning. After many tests and examinations the doctor came to a conclusion, "It looks like you're pregnant." He told her.
The woman was very distraught with his diagnosis. "I'm pregnant?!" She shrieks.
"No, but it looks like you are."

Two distraught mexicans walk into a bar

when the bartender recognizes them, he goes "Ah, Desperados!"

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

Bugs Bunny walks into a hospital

He asks his doctor What's up, doc?

The doctor replies Your blood pressure, Bugs.

And if I don't get it sorted out?

The doctor, visually distraught, answers: That's all, folks.

A pianist's girlfriend broke up with him, and he was distraught.

He just wanted Debussy Bach.

My Grandparents passed away together last night. He went peacefully in his sleep, but she was apparently distraught before dying, screaming and crying hysterically

I guess we really should've taken away his license

An anti-vaxxer passes away...

...and finds herself in heaven. God himself greets her, shows her around and asks if she has any questions.

She says "Not about heaven, but was I right about vaccines?"

God laughed and said "No, vaccines are perfectly safe and should be administered to everyone".

The woman just can't believe it. She's absolutely distraught, until it finally dawns on her: this conspiracy must go even higher than I thought!"

Blondes with guns

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair. Distraught, neurotic even, she goes to a gunshop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun out of her purse, and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: Shut up … you're next!

I asked my son if I could have the phone book. He laughed, shook his head: "You're so last century!", and handed me his mobile.

Long story short: the spider is now dead, son's phone is smashed and son is distraught.

A couple sees a man sobbing on his knees at a cemetery.

The man is yelling out "why did you have to die?", "I cannot live like this!"

The couple come over to console him, and notice the tombstone is of someone of similar age as the distraught man.
"Sir, who was this?" Asks the woman, "was it your brother? Your friend?"

The man looks up at them "my wife used to be married to him until he passed away".
Continues crying out: "Please come back, I cannot take her any longer!"

A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink.

A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink. "Having a bad day?", the barkeep asks. "I guess you could say so. I just accidently time travelled back into the 20th century." "Really? What did you change?" "Oh heavens, nothing! I just went straight back to the present. Do you know how dangerous time travel is? Who knows what I might have changed if I hadn't been so careful. I might have caused a second world war."

My 91 year old Canadian Grandmother just told me this joke.

Two Newfoundlanders were driving to Toronto.
They passed a sign that said: Toronto LEFT.
Distraught, they turned around and drove back home.

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence.
The senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

Why was the CEO of Subway distraught when his teenage daughter walked around with a brand new pearl necklace?

She went to Jared's

Mr. O'Malley comes home from the doctor and tells his wife he needs to supply a urine sample.

Mr. O'Malley is distraught because he has no idea what a urine sample is. Mr. O'Malley asks his wife to go nextdoor and ask their neighbor for help.

Mrs. O'Malley comes back, beaten, bruised, and bloodied.

"What the bloody hell happened to you, my love!?" exclaims Mr. O'Malley.

"I asked Mrs. Finnegan how you get a urine sample," Mrs. O'Malley explains. "She said, 'Go piss in a cup!' and I said, Go Shit In A Hat! And the fight was on."

How to cheat on a blonde and get away with it.

A blonde woman suspects her husband is cheating on her so she buys a handgun and goes home early. Sure enough, she catches him in bed with another woman. The blonde fumbles in her purse and pulls out the gun. At first, she points the gun at her husband but out of distraught, she turns the gun on herself. The husband yells, "No honey. Don't..." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next".

A concerned citizen sees a distraught woman wandering around desperately calling out for someone she had become separated from...

Ever vigilant, the concerned citizen offers his help and asks what the lost individual looks like, and the woman describes a young girl who looks a little like her.

They decide to split up to cover more ground, and after a while the concern citizen sees a girl who matches the description. "Denise! Denise, is that you?" he asked.

She paused half a beat and sneered, "Of course I'm de niece, ya dingus. Where da hell is de aunt?"

[True] A while back I was diagnosed with a benign brain lesion. I was distraught. to make light of the situation...

You really have to have a good sense of tumor. Laughter is cancerous.

Complimenting the wife

An Irish man's wife is standing naked in front of the mirror, looking at her body and feeling distraught by what she sees.

"Oh Paddy, look at me! I'm hideous! I'm overweight, me tits are saggy and me hair's starting to go grey.

"Could you please pay me a compliment to make me feel better about meself?"

Paddy looks up from his book and says to his wife,

"Ah well... at least we know ye have perfect eyesight!"

I'm really distraught, my barber cut my hair way shorter than normal!

I would be more upset, but I think it's growing on me.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the distraught wrong jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working distraught anxious piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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