distraught Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious distraught puns

Dad joke

A dad goes to see his daughter in her room but the door is shut. He opens it, and finds his daughter and some guy he's never met having sex.

The daughter looks up, distraught and embarrassed.
"I.. I can explain! I'm sorry!"

"Hi Sorry, I'm Dad."

He looks at the guy.

"Are you fucking Sorry?"

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A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

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A woman is walking her dog along the pier

When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly thankful to the man says Thank you so so much, you've saved my dogs life, are you a vet?? to which the German man replies VET??? I'M FUCKING SOAKING

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A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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Elderly man goes to the doctor to collect his wife's reports...

Doctor: Unfortunately we have mixed up her reports with someone else. so she either has AIDS or alzheimer's.

Distraught old man: oh my god doctor! what should i do??

Doctor: (*thinks for a sec*) drop her to the edge of the city and if she makes it back don't fuck her

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A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.

The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."

The Dictionary responds "You don't even know the meaning of the word."

The Thesaurus then says "But I know what it's like."

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One of my favorite blonde jokes

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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So Hitler decides to go see a psychic...

...and the psychic tells him that he will die on the day of a Jewish holiday. Hitler, obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it.

After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, "Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,".

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Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."

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A woman stands at the edge of a cliff

A woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The distraught woman said "Are you stupid, no! And go away!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

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There was an International Job opening.

Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"

Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.

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Two kids are walking down a dirt path...

a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.

"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother who see her daughter crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the mother. The daughter tells her mother about the situation and when she is done her mother only smiles.

The next day the boy and girl are walking along the same path. The boy notices the girl is smiling even more than he is and demands to know why. The girl, turns to him, pulls up her skirt and says "my mom says as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"

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A man and his wife are on a cruise

The ship capsizes but the man manages to get onto a lifeboat in time. However he notices that his wife is missing. Distraught he shouts.
-A 100$ to the man that can save my wife!
Upon hearing this several men jump into the water to rescue the wife. After some time a man comes up draging a woman behind him.
-Here's your wife. Now give me my 100$!
-That's not my wife, that's my mother-in-law!
-Shit... So how much do I owe you?

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The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season.

The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"

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Taking a lesson because her golf game had been going so badly, a woman had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee.

Distraught and rather angry and disheartened besides, she went back into the clubhouse and told the golf pro about the incident.

"Where did it sting you?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

The pro shook his head and quickly exclaimed: "That's your problem right there. You have your feet too far apart.

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A distraught man goes to his doctor and says "Doc, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my butt!"

The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him.

The man asks: "Doc, does it look serious?"

The doctor replies: "Sorry to tell you, but it's just the tip of the iceberg."

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A woman driving through the desert runs over a Jack rabbit...

Distraught, she pulls over and begins to sob. Another driver pulls up, gets out of their vehicle, and asks what is wrong.

"Oh! I've killed that poor rabbit!" The woman exclaims.

"Don't worry about something so silly, I can fix this!" The other driver exclaims, then walls over and opens her trunk. She pulls out an aerosol spray can, walks over, and sprays the dead rabbit from head to toe.

After a moment, the rabbit twitches, gets up, hops a few feet, stops, then waves its paw at them. Over and over, as the recently forlorn woman watches in amazement, the rabbit hips a few feet further away, stops, waves, etc, etc.

"That's incredible!" The first woman says, "let me see that can!"

The second woman hands her the can. The label reads:

Aqua net adds new life and a permanent wave to damaged hair.

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Funny Blonde joke

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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A Safe Death

A man was having serious medical problems and had an appointment to see his doctor. He was so distraught over the likely possibility of bad news that he asked his son to go along with him.

Sure enough, the doctor announced that the man had terminal cancer and had only a short time to live. Needless to say, he was devastated. Finally the son consoled him enough to leave the office and they decided to go to the local tavern and bury their sorrows in alcohol.

When they entered the bar, all the man's friends were there. They saw how bad he looked and one pal commented, "It looks like you just saw the grim reaper!" The man replied, "Yeah, I just saw my doctor and I've got AIDS."

Astonished, the son pulled his dad over to the side and said, "Dad, I was with you at the doctor's office and he said that you have terminal cancer, not AIDS." To which the man replied, "I know that, but I don't want any of those bastards f*cking your mother after I'm dead!!!!!!"

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A penis, a pickle and a cucumber.

A penis, a pickle and a cucumber are sitting at a table all of whom are distraught.

Cucumber: Man my life sucks. Every time I get big fat and juicy, these humans slice us up, toss us in a salad and eat us

Pickle: Man, that's nothing. When I'm plump and juicy they slice me up, lay me on a hot slab of beef and smother me with bread then proceed to eat me

Penis: Laughing, You guys have it so easy. When I'm big and plump, they stick a rubber trap over my head, throw me in a dark room and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out!

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You're next!

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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Yet another blonde joke....

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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A man gets into a fight with his wife. (Put together terribly)

They live right on the coast of California, the man gets kicked out of his house by his wife so he goes for a walk along the beach. The man suddenly stops when he hears this loud booming voice.

Terry(Thats his name from now on) I see you have gotten into quite the fight with your wife, its troubling to see you so distraught because you are a very loyal husband, because you have a great relationship with me i am willing to help you. Name one thing you want and i will give it to you.

Terry looks around and is dumbfounded, "God?!" he asks. "Yes it is i, please what could you ever desire?" Terry thinks about it for a little bit and says, "I want a private highway to.... Japan, Italy, and Sweden." God asks Terry if he is sure about that, because that would use a lot of the worlds resources and could cause some serious problems. Terry realizes that wish would be very selfish, so he thinks for a minute and looks up to god and says "God? I know what i want". What is it Terry? Terry asks god to understand everything there is about women, so he can repair his problems with his wife.. God pauses for a minute and says to Terry "So was that highway 2 or 4 lanes?"

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Two friends are hunting in the woods

when one says to the other, "Hey, I can see your house from here. Your wife is in the bedroom with some guy!"

The distraught husband says, "Please, I need you to shoot her in the head, and then shoot him in the nuts."

"Easy," the friend says. "I can make that in one shot."

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In honor of HRH on her birthday

A man walks into a London pub clearly beaten down after a rough day. Barkeep gets to talking to him and asks the man what he does.

"I'm the trainer for the Queen's pure breed corgis." the man replies.

"Well that seems like a pretty cushy job, why are you so distraught?" the barkeep asks.

"After so much in-breeding to keep the bloodlines pure, I'm working with some of the stupidest, most stubborn things on Earth." the dog trainer says.

"Ah, I can see how that'd be frustrating."

"You want to know the worst part of it all? The dogs aren't that bright either."

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Old Man and Old Woman in Nursing Home.

An old man and an old woman live in a nursing home. Their spouses have died and they're lonely. After meeting each other, they begin dating. Because they're so old, they can't engage in sex anymore, but they like to just lie in bed, while the old woman holds the old man's penis.

This goes on for month, and then one day the old man stops coming around. The old woman finds out the old man is seeing someone else. She's distraught, and decides to confront him.

She sees him around the nursing home grounds and says, "how dare you! We dated for months and you just stop talking to me and then I find out you're seeing another woman. Laying down with her in her bed! I had feelings for you! Tell me, what does she have that I don't have?"

He replies, "Parkinson's."

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A young blonde woman is distraught...

because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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Shut up...you're next!

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

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A man tries to get into a classy nightclub

but gets stopped by the bouncer. "You have to have a tie to get in here bro," says the bouncer. Distraught the man goes to his car and searches for a tie but can only find jumper cables. He wraps them around his neck and goes back to the club. "Can I get in now?" he asks. "Yea ok," says the bouncer, "But don't start anything!"

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After the great flood, Noah begins unloading the ark, and instructs the animals to "go forth and multiply!"

Once most of the exodus has completed, he noticed a pair of adders in the back looking rather distraught. "What's the matter?" he asked them.

"We're only adders, we can't multiply!" said the snakes.

Thinking quickly, Noah dashed off into the forest, and returned a short time later carrying a felled tree over his shoulder. After flattening the sides, he placed it on the ground next to the adders, and said "Here's a log table, now even adders can multiply."

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So a Cowboy is on the run from the Native Americans...

He is pursued by the whole tribe, and only has one bullet left in his gun. He rides forth and thinks to himself, "That's it, I am fucked."

Suddenly the Angel comes down from Heavens and tells him, "You ain't 'fucked' just yet; go hide in that bush." The Cowboy promptly hides in the bush, his adversaries are initially distraught but then the Sharp Eye, the chief's eldest son, spots him and continues the chase."

"I am truly fucked now," says the Cowboy to himself; but the Angel intercedes again, saying "You ain't truly fucked just yet, go hide in the cave." He follows the Angel's advise, but the Sharp Eye and his henchmen find him again and continue the pursuit.

Finally, his stallion gives up on him, the tribe surrounds him and the Cowboy thinks, "Well, at last, I am truly fucked." The Angel then appears and says, "No, you ain't fucked just yet, you have one last bullet, kill the Chief's son." Cowboy takes out his gun and kills the Sharp Eye, chief's son.

"Well, *now* you're truly fucked," says the Angel.

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The flat chested wife

A wife was looking in the mirror and contemplating on getting breast implants.

She asks her husband, "Honey, my breasts are sooo small. What would you say if I wanted to get breast implants?"

Her husband chuckles and replies, "You should try rubbing toilet paper in-between your breasts and see if that helps."

After a few weeks of doing this, distraught, the wife said to her husband, "Dear, I've been doing this for weeks and it doesn't seem to have done ANYTHING!"

To which the husband replies, "Well, it was worth a shot, it's done wonders for your ass since I've met you!"

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Paddy walks into a bar....

and orders his usual. As he's pouring out the Guiness, the bartender notices that Paddy looks distraught. Worried about his best customer, the bartender asks, "What's the matter, Paddy? You're looking glum".

Paddy responds with a sigh and sips his Guiness. After a minute, Paddy tells the bartender the source of his dispair. "I lost my best mate Mick today you see", says Paddy.

"Oh dear Paddy. If you don't mind me asking, how did it happen?" asked the bartender.

Paddy groaned in discontent.

"He got his finger caught in a wedding ring".

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Rabbits died

My neighbor's pair of pet rabbits died unexpectedly within hours of each other. She was distraught. I suggested she go to my friend the taxidermist. When she arrived, my friend tried to console her and she asked him if he could create a memorial. "Of course", he replied. He explained that he could stuff them and they would almost look lifelike. He asked if she would like them mounted.
"No" she said, "holding paws would be fine."

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What are the most funny Distraught jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Distraught? Well, here are the best Distraught dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Distraught pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes