Entertaining Distant Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
A distant relative of mine died and I came into some money...
but my friends told me that I have a weird f**....
The Purist by Ogden Nash
I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."
Why are royal families always marrying distant cousins?
Because you can't spell PrINCE or PrINCESs without a bit of i**...
Earth asks Mars...
"Why has Venus been so distant lately?"
Mars answers "shes been under a lot of pressure and has really bad gas"
A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."
The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reached the top of the building, where he found a fully n**... man. "Hi, I'm Sess."
I heard NASCAR was a distant cousin of Formula 1.
I guess that's what they mean by race relations.
Every 3 months, I'll text my Dad lyrics from Sia songs. He never texts me back...
...we have a distant relationship, and I like to keep it that way.
Two guys are talking about their family histories...
GUY 1: Hey, I heard you're Einstein's distant cousin.
GUY 2: I'm not sure, really. It's just a theory of relativity.
Eying the distant storm, Santa said to Rudolph:
"It's going to rain, dear!"
My girlfriend must be Canadian
she's cold and distant
I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use.
So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.
You can explore distant furthest reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean distant moved dad jokes. There are also distant puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A telecoms engineer joins the army...
On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off and shouts back:- "It's leaving here ok - the problem must be at your end!"
What do you call a shower sponge that's distant?
Ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska...
Shes been cold and distant.
My s**... distant wife and I were passed over for the new m**... job at our church
I guess we didn't have enough experience in the position.
Hey girl, you must be Japan...
Cause when I'm with you, I feel isolated and emotionally distant.
I haven't had s**... with a woman in so long
It's a distant mammary
200Years in the future.
A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.
"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"
The space group is quite surprised by this. Most of them think about turning back and going to earth. When one man in the back of the group, Unseen by the aliens, Shows himself. Upon his sight the aliens appear to become much more peaceful with the humans.
"Oh you brought Dave with you! Why didn't you say so."
Lord Williams turns to his butler
Lord Williams turns to his butler: "Jones, please prepare my black suit and binoculars. I'm going to a f**...."
"But why do you need binoculars?" Asks Jones
"My distant relative has died." Says Lord Williams
Freddie Mercury actually had a son, but was more distant to him as time went on.
His son started calling him Freddie Venus.
Ever since my girlfriend moved to Siberia things haven't been the same.
She's so cold and distant.
My boyfriend was telling me I was too emotionally distant...
I said "You don't know me!"
My girlfriend complained that I was too emotionally distant...
I said "you don't know me!"
Poker game
I was playing poker with my friends Robin and Drake and some of their distant cousins.
There was this one chick who won almost every hand.
I can't be sure but I suspect fowl play.
Socially Distant
Years ago I was criticized for being socially distant... I quess I was ahead of my time!
This social situation during Covid has been really hard on me emotionally.
Everyone has been so distant.
What do you call an ant that's been shunned by his community?
Socially dist-ant
Recently a new supermarket opened nearby
It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more…
A reporter goes to a distant town in Alaska.
First he goes by train and then he has to ride a dog sled for several hours to get there. Upon arriving, he asks the town mayor:
"Have you considered building a train station closer to the town?"
"We have," answers the mayor, "but we eventually decided that the train station should be closer to the railroad."
Two cowboys were riding through a canyon and from far off they heard the sound of drumming.
One of them said, "I don't like the sound of those drums." And a distant voice called out "He's not our regular drummer!"
A boy looks longingly to the distant islands
He wants to run away to the islands but the only problem is he's got no money. He walks over to his wise old neighbor and asks him for advice on how to get to there.
The old man says, well these woods here have magical pixies that have a special dust. If you get their dust you could just fly there! The only problem is they don't just give it out for free. You're gonna want to sneak up on 'em.
The boy nods his head in disbelief.
The old man says, So, I guess your options are you hire a boat, or catch a fairy!
What do you call a distant sponge?
A loofah
