Distance Jokes
131 distance jokes and hilarious distance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about distance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for ways to make distance learning, distance relationship, distance education, and long distance more fun? Look no further! Read this article to get a laugh out of all the jokes related to being far away. From gunshot sounds to kilometers away, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face.
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Funniest Distance Short Jokes
Short distance jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The distance humour may include short magnitude jokes also.
- If Elon Musk's space company establishes a mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x.
- King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did. Because the Queen could go any distance but the king can only move one space at a time.
- So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity... Well, her exact words were "time and distance" but I knew what she meant.
- I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.
- My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time, But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity
- Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic. They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
- In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson
- If I ever start to go bald I'll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..
From a distance it would look like a hare - I got pulled over in the carpool lane. Cop: Where's your passenger?
Me: Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me. - Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic. They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
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Distance One Liners
Which distance one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with distance? I can suggest the ones about direction and length.
- When is the Bible accurate? When it's thrown from a short distance.
- Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke but this is as close as I could get
- My girlfriend said she needs time and distance... Is she trying to calculate velocity?
- When I see stars I think of you... Because you're only beautiful from a distance.
- How do Muslims social distance? Qur'antine
- Did you hear about the houses that fell in love? It was a lawn-distanced relationship
- What distance does light travel on a diet? Lite years.
- My dad is taking social distancing very seriously I haven't seen him in over ten years.
- Love knows no distance... but restraining orders do.
- What do you call a Sikh guy who keeps to himself? Social Distance Singh.
- I hate social distancing. Seriously? I can't be within 300 feet of a school?
- Almost all of my relationships are long distance relationships. I'm a midget.
- How do you break up with a farmer long-distance? A John Deere letter.
- Why were B and D long distance lovers? Because there was a C between them.
- Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head? Cause it looked like hare from a distance.
Long Distance Jokes
Here is a list of funny long distance jokes and even better long distance puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore... I'm moving the fridge to my room.
- I feel like my girlfriend and I don't speak the same language sometimes I say we have a long distance relationship.
She says I have a restraining order. - My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship Or as the judge insists on calling it, a restraining order
- Why do stormtroopers never have long distance relationships? Because they'd miss each other.
- I was on a date other day when the girl said she wanted to start a long distance relationship using semaphore. Raised a couple of red flags...
- My long distance girlfriend wanted to see the guacamole I made So I sent her a solicited dip pic
- What are the advanteges of a long distance relationship? All four people are happy.
- What was the crow doing up on the telephone pole? He was making a long-distance caw.
- What does your long-distance girlfriend who you met on vacation have in common with the square root of -1? They both are imaginary.
- My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. I live in Seoul, Korea.
And she lives in the future.
Distance Relationship Jokes
Here is a list of funny distance relationship jokes and even better distance relationship puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So, full disclosure: There's this lady across the street whom I've been into for a while now. I just started talking to her and I gotta say...
Lawn distance relationships aren't that bad. - Has anyone tried long distance relationships? I have and I hated it, i couldn't take it anymore, So... I moved..... My fridge to my room.
- I had a 1 year long-distance relationship with a woman I'd never met, but when I finally met her supposedly length mattered
- I can't stand this long distance relationship anymore... Especially since the stay away order.
- "How is your long distance relationship going?" "So far, so good."
- I'm in a long distance relationship, her restraining order ends tomorrow.
- My friend tried dating a woman who was 7'11'' but had to break up with her. He should have seen it coming, long distance relationships never work out.
- My girlfriend is 6'2 and I'm 5'9.. She has to bend down to kiss me.
I guess I'm in a long distance relationship. - What do you call a marriage between a midget and a 6 foot human? A long distance relationship.
- It's so hard holding a long distance relationship Especially since my girlfriend lives in the future.
Long Distance Relationship Jokes
Here is a list of funny long distance relationship jokes and even better long distance relationship puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend and I are trying LONG distance relationship I live in California she lives in future.
- Every relationship is a long-distance relationship if you're a snail.
- Why don't the mile and the kilometer ever get along? Because long distance relationships never work.
- I'm in a long distance relationship with White Castle. Please come to Los Angeles. I miss you..
Distance Learning Jokes
Here is a list of funny distance learning jokes and even better distance learning puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Students all over the world are struggling with distance learning. Straight-A students are getting Bs and Cs. C students are failing. It's like there's some kind of low-grade fever going around.
Entertaining Distance Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about distance you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean temperature jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make distance pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two mexicans are stranded in the desert for days....
... and they're at death's door....
They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with s**... after s**... of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree".......
"ees... a.... Hambush"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jewish Business
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...
St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Woman Who Reads
One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with s**... assault,"says the woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.
Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars...
America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars as the country watched with pride. Iran, wanting to gain a technological/global edge, decided to show up America by announcing a manned mission to the sun the very next day. The Americans, along with other western allies, decided to meet with the Iranian government to express their concern. In a conference room filled with diplomats and astrophysicists, the US delegation protested to the Iranians, Listen. Differences aside, we can't let you send people to the sun. It's s**.... They burn to death even at far distances! Please don't carry out this mission! The Iranians laughed wittily amongst themselves, jabbing each other with elbows and pointing at the westerners as one Iranian says, s**... Americans! They think we're going during the daytime!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Odd f**......
A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whales
A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...
He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large h**... on his back.
She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed h**... herself.
Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.
Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.
Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!
He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...
As she swam off she said..."I'll h**..., I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T s**... s**...!
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath;
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
I once knew a bald guy who liked to draw rabbits on his head
but from a distance they looked like hares
The engineer and the mathematician
A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them.
She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me."
"There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previous."
The woman walks to the far side to the far goal line, and the race begins.
The mathematician, upon seeing her reach the goal line, breaks down in tears, because he knows that he can never make it to the far goal.
The engineer takes off immediately. He knows he can never reach her, but he can certainly get close enough for all practical purposes.
Stiff....
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"
I booked an hotel in kenya on walking distance from the beach...
You can't imagine how far those kenyans will walk.
[source: philip geubels, Belgian comedian]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota
Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."
Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. Dere's plenty of space for us to land."
As they get closer, Sven sees that the runway is indeed very short, and he says, "Ole, I don't know bout dis, it looks like dat runway is too short."
Ole says, "Ok, I'll press da brakes as hard as I can when we come down, how bout dat?"
But Sven isn't reassured very much. At this point, he can see that the runway is almost certainly too short for them to land. He says, "Ole! Dis runway is way too short. we're gonna c**...!"
Ole says, "Oh shut up. I'll just put de plane in reverse as soon as we land, that'll do it."
So, the plane touches down, and despite Ole's best efforts, they do go off the runway and into the fence. The plane flips over a few times and is heavily damaged, but luckily both Ole and Sven are relatively unharmed. The two climb out of the wreckage, and Sven says, "You see, I was right! Dis runway was too short!"
Ole looks up and down the runway, and then he says, "Aye, it was really short. But look at how *wide* it is!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Recently divorced Marine s**... slapped with a 1500 yard restraining order.
He is now struggling to understand the distance that has become between them, as well as windage.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On long plane trip, a woman is sitting next to a lawyer. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer does not stop talking...
*"Let's play a game"* - he suggests.
The woman ignores him.
*"To make it interesting"* - he continues - *"if I answer incorrectly to your question, I'll pay you $50. If you answer incorrectly to my question, you pay me $5."*
The woman agrees, and the lawyer asks the first question.
*"What is the distance between Earth and the Moon?"*
The woman hands him $5. Now it's her turn.
*"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"*
The lawyer is astonished. He frantically surfs the Internet, searches his pocket encyclopedia and asks his scientist friends. He finds nothing. Hours later, when finally giving up looking for the answer, he wakes the woman, hands her $50 and asks:
*"So, what is the answer?"*
Without saying a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.
**
Grammar tip
Farther = physical distance
Further = metaphorical distance
Father = emotional distance
Daddy, what's it like being drunk?
A little girl goes up to her dad and asks "Daddy, what does it feel like being drunk?" "Well," the father replies "You see those 2 telephone poles over there in the distance?" he says, pointing in the direction of the poles. "A drunk person would see 4 telephone poles there." The little girl, confused, replies "But daddy, there is only one telephone pole over there"
Graveyard shortcut
A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard.
He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone.
Relief washes over him and he says, "I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?"
The old man merely continues chiseling and says "They spelled my name wrong."
A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic
A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.
The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before getting out. After climbing out of the river they had just started to make a run for it to get to their clothes, when many members of their congregation came into view.
The Priest covered his privates with his hands and put on a burst of speed, but the Rabbi covered his face instead. "What are you doing?" the Priest asked. "I don't know about you," the Rabbi answered, "but my congregants recognize me by my face."
A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...
It read as follows:
---
*Michael*,
*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*
*Love, Elizabeth*
*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*
---
The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:
---
*Elizabeth,*
*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*
*Take care, Michael*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between an American and a Briton?
Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.
Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race.
Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border.
Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won.
"I told you I would win!" said Ivan.
"You may have won," replied Vlad, "but I beat you to the Finnish line."
My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
A cop pulled me over.....
and said I was doing 70 in a 50 mph zone. I explained I was only trying to keep a safe distance from the car behind.
I discovered that my socks exhibit quantum entanglement.
As soon as I put on my left sock, the other sock immediately becomes the right sock, and vice versa, regardless of the distance between them.
The perfect shot.
A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."
My girlfriend and I broke up today
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
I went to college in Hawaii and
While I was jogging on the beach one day, I saw a man in the distance drowning !
He was waving his arms screaming:
Helllppppp.... *Shark* ... please... hellllpppppp
And then I started laughing, haha, cause I knew that that shark wasn't going to help him
Why is North Korea so accurate at measuring microscopic distances?
They have a supreme ruler
On my recent trip to Kenya, I booked a hotel within walking distance of the beach.
You can't imagine how far the Kenyans would walk.
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man on his first date.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have s**... when the girl stopped. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a h**... and I charge $20 for s**.... The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. Why aren't we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…
BC now stands for "Before Coronavirus"
and AD is now "After Distancing"
>!Welcome to the new dark ages!<
social distancing is great, public school shootings are down 100%
Unfortunately home school shootings are up 100%
The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought
The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.
Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.
After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.
Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.
Two in one direction, then one to the side.
Hm, funny how the knight moves.
How did the cavemen survive the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs?
Social distancing, they stayed 56 million years apart.
A fathom is a unit of measure equal to 6 feet
Therefore, a cluster of rally attendees not practicing social distancing could be deemed "unfathomable"
I don't understand why everyone is saying that Americans are refusing to social distance...
...six feet is six feet, even if it's six feet under.
In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said I have some sad news.
Tell me, old friend said the faithful Tonto.
Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer
Bad spirits, replied his old companion.
The lone ranger look off into the distance for a minute. After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?
Chemo, sabe
Ps this is my first joke post ever so I hope I did it right.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is the p**... so bad at social distancing?
Because she only specializes in keeping 2 feet apart.
Thanos would have made a great President.
He would have achieved social distancing in a snap.
The safety distance of 2 meters has been hard for the people in Finland.
Luckily, when it's over, we can return to the usual 10 meter distancing.
An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.
The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."
That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"
He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.
Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"
"Leagues" in "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" refers to horizontal distance, not depth.
Otherwise it would be called "Journey to the Center of the Earth."
My long distance girlfriend called me saying she finally wants to meet me in person. I left her this message right before my phone died: This is very important: I am not a man that normally makes huge commitments, but I think the time is right for us to see each other.
Unfortunately, my phone died right after man.
My girlfriend and I have been practicing social distancing since the start of the pandemic.
She calls it a restraining order for some weird reason.
I am sick of this pandemic and the 2 meter distancing.
I can't wait until its over so I can go back to my usual 15 meter distancing.
How will Joe and Jill Biden spend thanksgiving with proper social distancing?
Biden selves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was queuing to go into the supermarket when the man in front of me f**....
Before I could say anything, he said, "If you heard anything it means you're not following social distancing. But if you can smell it, luckily for you it means that you're covid negative!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.
He turns on his signal lamp and sends, Change your course, 10 degrees west.
The light signals back, Change yours, 10 degrees east.
The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, I'm a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.
The light signals back, I'm a s**... First Class. You must change your course, sir.
Now the captain is mad. He signals, I'm an aircraft carrier. I'm not changing my course.
The light signals back a final message: I'm a lighthouse. Your call.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a n**... woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her. The engineer replied, So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes.
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.
By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."
Two settlers hear a drum in the distance...
"I do not like the sound of that" One settler said.
"He's not our regular drummer" They hear over the hill.
As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ...
Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated.
Covid restrictions...
I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.
They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.
I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.
3 blondes were standing around some tracks.
The first blonde said "look at these tracks! Do you think they're deer tracks?"
The second blonde shook her head "no, there are no hoof prints. If anything these are dog tracks".
The third blonde chuckled, "come on you two. Look at the even spacing, the consistent depth, the distance between the tracks - it's obvious they're bear tracks!"
The other two blondes looked at the third in admiration of her excellent knowledge of nature, and then all 3 were hit by a train.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.
I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, Hey sweetheart, why don't you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?
Well don't you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.
The long distance relationship
A guy walks into his usual local bar and orders a beer. "All alone tonight? Where's your girlfriend?" the bartender asks. "My girlfriend and I are trying this whole 'long-distance relationship thing'," he tells the bartender. "Well, that can be hard," the bartender says. "You're telling me. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times," the guy says. "And the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend, too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A physicist and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.
They are shown into a room where a n**... woman is lying on a bed on the other side of the room and told they can cross half the distance between them and the woman every minute.
The physicist throws up his hands and turns away.
The engineer walks halfway across the room.
"You fool!" says the physicist. "Don't you realise you will never actually reach her?"
"That's okay," says the engineer. "Pretty soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a h**... and I charge $20 for s**...." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
