The Best 75 Dishwasher Jokes

A very sexist from my high school days

Person 1, "Your dishwasher stops working and like any good mechanic you hit it and tell it to get back to work, and it does. You return later to find dishes that are only half clean. Why?"
Person 2, "I have no clue."
Person 1, "You must have hit her in the eye."

Why do women wear white wedding dresses?

So the dishwasher can match the refrigerator and stove

A Man's dishwasher wasn't working....

So he got remarried

Prank Caller- Hello! is your refrigerator running??

Me- No, but the dishwasher is..
Prank Caller- Huh???
Me- Yeah my wife's out on a jog...

Why do men want their brides to wear white?

Because they want the dishwasher to match with the fridge.

I just returned from the store, I had to get some tablets for the dishwasher.

How do you fix the dishwasher?

Smack her.

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?

When the old one expects you to "do your share" 

My mom comes up to me and says "I'm can do a magic trick"

I go, "Really? What's you magic trick?"

and my mom says she can turn a dishwasher into a snow blower.

"I can't wait to see this!" I said

So she hands me a shovel.

How to turn your dishwasher into a snowblower.

Hand her a shovel!

What's the difference between a feminist and a dishwasher?

One you open up and dump your goo inside before it quietly, and without a word, sits in your kitchen washing and drying your dishes. The other you have no need for.

Why do men prefer white women?

They want the dishwasher to match with their fridge

My dishwasher broke down and stopped working

So I remarried

I don't understand... My wife keeps telling me to load the dishwasher...

Then she gets mad when I pour her a double...

I've got a dishwasher that's still going strong after 37 years.

She does nag a bit though.

What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?

You tell her to get back to work.

Abraham Lincoln.

The reason I now have to hire a dishwasher instead of buying one.

Why are wedding gowns white?

Cuz the dishwasher should match the stove and the fridge

Girl are you a dishwasher?

Because I would like to fill you with my dirty load in the evening, turn you on, and fall asleep before you finish

Why does a bride wear white?

So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.

I needed to clean my FleshLight, i heard they were dishwasher safe.

But that would Just ruin the load.

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

Remarry

After a dinner party

...while taking plates to the kitchen my guest asked if the dishwasher was dirty.

I said no, I believe she showered before dinner.

My dishwasher makes this loud rumbling sound...

Strange thing is, it only seems to happen at night, when she's sleeping.

Put a load in the dishwasher last night

She was mad I didn't pull out.

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

Its been really hot in Seattle lately, so I converted my dishwasher into an air conditioner the other day.

How? I handed my wife a hand fan to keep me cool.

I came home and noticed my dishwasher was missing

So I asked my kids what happened. Apparently she left me 3 days ago.

I lost my dishwasher, washingmashine, dryer, iron, stove, and vacumcleaner today.

Her funeral will be this saturday.

How does a dishwasher make his money?

Panhandling

What do you call a slutty housewife?

A dirty dishwasher.

So a sexist man is having sex with another mans wife...

The husband comes home from work and sees this man drilling his wife on the kitchen counter.

The man says, "Oh hey Paul, I'm just loading the dishwasher!"

How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowplow?

Give her a shovel

Great news, I've got a new dishwasher!

Well, the wedding is in 2 months.

I put a load in the dishwasher

She swallowed.

A recent survey reported 3 out of 4 men don't know how to turn on the dishwasher.

I find that lightly fingering her usually does the trick.

My wife was happy to hear I'd put a load in the dishwasher.

until 9 months later.

One of the dumbest things you can buy online is a dishwasher

Sometimes they forget to poke holes in the box and she's dead when she arrives

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

How do you know when it's time to get a new Dishwasher?

When she cheats on you.

...

^(That makes it okay, right?)

Why are wedding dresses white?

So the dishwasher matches the fridge.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

You break up with her

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

I finally figured out how to perfectly load the dishwasher

Just leave all the dirty dishes out until someone else does it

My girlfriend: "Did you forget to turn on the dishwasher?"

Me: *sipping coffe from a vase*
"No, why?"

A guy walks into an eletronics store

Employee: *Hello Sir, how may I be of assistance*

Guy: *My dishwasher just died on me, I was wondering if I could get a similar one*

Employee: *Sure thing Sir, what was the make and model?*

Guy: *Fat, Brown Hair, Brown Eyed Virgo with an annoying mother*

She was amazing, she always took my load so well

I can't believe that dishwasher broke.

Today a waitress got her finger stuck in the dishwasher

We had to fire both of them.

Going to look at an apartment

Guest: Does this apartment come with a dishwasher?
Landlord: No, that's why we posted an ad...

Why do women wear white on their wedding day?

So the dishwasher matches the stove.

Annoyingly, my dishwasher has stopped working

I guess it might have been something to with the fact that I was only paying him $1 a week.

Husband comes home to his wife putting a load into the dishwasher

Husband: "Hey Honey, what are you doing?"

Wife: "Just putting a load into the dishwasher, how about you?"

Husband: "Trying to put a load into the dishwasher."

A cook got his hand caught in the dish-washer

and they were both fired.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher

You'll never need to do it by hand again

Husband: We should get a dishwasher.

Wife: We already have one.
Husband: I meant one that doesn't talk back.

My buddy asked where he could find a good dishwasher

so I set him up on tinder.

What cleans the dishes, spends most of its life in the kitchen and occasionally takes a load from the husband...

A dishwasher

My dishwasher and laundry machine broke today.

We had to rush her to the hospital immediately.

I finally got a smart dishwasher....

My wife finished college.

Why are wedding dresses white

So that the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.

Over a year ago, I left a full load in my friends dishwasher when I stayed at his home.

Lucky me, he's the father.

What do you call a defective dishwasher?

A feminist

My dishwasher broke...

Up with me the other day.

Finished putting a load in the dishwasher when I thought to myself..

She's on the pill right?

After dinner I started to pack the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, when it suddenly started talking!

In a really dejected, pitiful voice it told me, "Don't bother pal, I'm useless. I'll never get that crusty lasagne off that pan. I'm terrible. The glassware will all have water spots by the time I'm done. I'm the worst appliance in this house!!"

I said, "What's wrong with you?!"

"Nothing, I'm a self loathing dishwasher."

Co-Written by: IveyRoney

Whats the difference between your mom and my dishwasher?

My dishwasher doesnt follow me around for two weeks after I put a load in it.

Last September my wife asked me to put a load in the dishwasher.

So long story short, happy fathers day to me.

Does anyone know how to fix a noisy dishwasher?

I've tried flowers and chocolates, but she's still whinging

I just ordered a new dishwasher from china!

The wedding's next month.

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

I had the luxury of obtaining a Russian style dishwasher during quarantine...

Her name is Natalia and she makes a lot of noise when there's too much inside.

My wife called me this morning to say the dishwasher was leaking...

...so I came home with tampons.

Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe?

Not sure, but they are great for a continental breakfast.

Husband: Do you love me?

Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.

Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?

Wife: I will always love you, my darling.

Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?

Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.

Husband: what if i cheated on you, would you still love me?

Wife: of course. I will always love you, apple of my eye.

Husband: Ok. I forgot to turn on the dishwasher last night.

Wife: I HATE YOU, YOU LAZY, SELFISH IRRESPONSIBLE MORON!!

My wife told me that before I come to bed, she'd like me to start the dishwasher, set the coffee maker, and bring her some water.

I said, "Ok, but I'm bound to forget one of those two things."