Disgusting Jokes

funny jokes about disgusting and hilarious stories

BEST DISGUSTING JOKES

Disgusting jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Disgusting of all time along with the funniest disgusting gags ever told.

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

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Translated: A rabbit is running in the jungle
A rabbit is running in the jungle when he sees a monkey getting drunk. He hops over to him and says "Man, its such a nice day out. Why don't you put down that disgusting stuff and come run around with me." The monkey agrees.

After a while they meet an elephant smoking some weed. The rabbit again approaches him, "Man, put down that awful stuff and come run around with us." The elephant agrees and they resume running around.

After a while they see a tiger about to do some heroin. The rabbit approaches him but before he can say a word the tiger smacks him and says, "I am sick and tired of your shit. Every time you do cocaine you get half the jungle population to chase you around like idiots."

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a hobo finds a woman on the ledge of a bridge crossing a deep valley
Hobo: "hey, are you going to jump?"
Woman: "Yes I am going to jump. I can't go on with life"
H: "well, before you do that, don't you want to have sex a last time? like, say, with me?"
W: "ha, definitely not. You'll understand that if I'm about to commit suicide, I'm not really in the mood for sex. Plus, you're ugly and disgusting, so there's no way I will have sex with you"

The hobo sighs, then starts to walk away.

W (shouting at the hobo):"hey! why are you leaving??? aren't you going to try and prevent me from doing this? Tell me that I shouldn't jump?? that suicide isn't a solution? that life is worth living or some shit like that? ANYTHING???"

H: "well, normally I would, but now I gotta hurry so that you're still a bit warm when I reach the foot of the bridge"

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YUK!
A man walks in on his daughter pleasuring her-self with a cucumber.

He yells at her: "Oh god, that's disgusting! I was going to eat that, and now it's gonna taste of cucumber"

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A woman was breastfeeding on the bus today
Suddenly, an old lady started yelling "how dare you do this in public!!", she kept on screaming and screaming, like "that's disgusting", "what a disgrace" etc...

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the time or place for a wank.

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A friend asks me why I smoke cigarettes...
*"with all the money you've spent on cigarettes over the last 25 years, you could've bought a ferrari"*

"well, have you ever smoked?"

*"no, it's disgusting"*

"WELL WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING FERRARI?!"

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Sexism in today's society.
It's disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in today's society.

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! "A fucking sandwich!" Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot; she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway!

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Its disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in todays society...
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway...

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An accountant and an economist are walking through a forest...
They encounter a frog.

"I bet you $100 you won't lick it," says the economist The accountant, daring, licks the frog and receives $100.

They walk further, see another frog.

"Lick this frog, and you get your $100 back!" says the accountant. The economist looks at his friend in the eye, licks the frog and retrieves his $100.

"What was the point of this exercise? We've both done something disgusting, and we're no better off!"

"We have grown the local economy by $200!!!" says the economist.

"Yeah but we owe the government $40 each!"

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Would you mind....
A man was on a train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha, ha, you'll get fined heavily for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers."

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LATEST DISGUSTING JOKES

He's on the Loose!
So there's this guy, Sam, who works in our small town's morgue, I think he's a morgue technician or something. Anyhow, I gave Sam a call the other day because this town just a few miles away found a dead body in a bath tub.

Sam was shocked, "who was it?!"

"I'm not sure." I told him.

"What was he doing in the bath tub," Sam asked.

"I have no idea but the tub was full of milk!"

"What?! That's disgusting!!" Sam said.

"I know, and get this...there was a banana shoved up his ass!"

"What in the--" Sam about dropped the phone.

"Yeah I know, the police are saying there's a Cereal Killer on the loose!"

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Ladies discussing their sex life...
Ladies discussing their sex life...

Mrs. John- I notice that when I go down on Mr. John and give a blowjob, his balls are always cold.

Mrs. Jamesβ€”Mr. James's balls are cold too, when I give a Blowjob.

Mrs. David (is shocked)-- How can you both do such thing, It is disgusting.

Both explain to Mrs. David that a blowjob is the best way to getting him into buying new Jewelry.

Mrs. David agrees and says-I will try tonight.

Next Day....Both are shocked to see Mrs. David's face bruised and beaten black n blue,

What Happened they asked ??

Mrs. David-- My Husband did this.

Other Two Ladies- But why ??

Mrs David -- I don't know, I was giving him a blowjob and all I said was - Hey your balls are also cold like Mr. John and Mr. James

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I keep smelling a disgusting odor coming from the bathroom even no is using it.
I think it might be pootergeist.

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Translated: A rabbit is running in the jungle
A rabbit is running in the jungle when he sees a monkey getting drunk. He hops over to him and says "Man, its such a nice day out. Why don't you put down that disgusting stuff and come run around with me." The monkey agrees.

After a while they meet an elephant smoking some weed. The rabbit again approaches him, "Man, put down that awful stuff and come run around with us." The elephant agrees and they resume running around.

After a while they see a tiger about to do some heroin. The rabbit approaches him but before he can say a word the tiger smacks him and says, "I am sick and tired of your shit. Every time you do cocaine you get half the jungle population to chase you around like idiots."

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Most disgusting joke you'll ever read...
I was licking out my gran the other day and tasted horse cum. Thats when i remembered how she died.

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Conversation I had with my 18 year old daughter
Her: I ate fish tacos last night

Me: Did they have cheese on them?

Her: I don't think so

Me: They probably put vinegar on them

Her: I don't think they used vinegar why?

Me: To clear up the cheese

Her: (blank stare)

Me: (shit eating grin)

Her: Dad you're fuckin disgusting

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A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm..
Apologize if this one has been told before:

A farmer, drunk and angry, storms into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife, reading in bed, puts down her book at looks up at him.

With a growl in his voice, the farmer yells, "See this? This is the FAT, UGLY, DISGUSTING pig I have to sleep with whenever you say you're 'not in the mood'.

The wife looks up at her drunk husband and with a sneer replies, "You stupid ass, that's not a pig, that's a sheep"

The farmer snaps back "I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!"

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Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a drape?
No? So it was you, you disgusting motherfucking retard!

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A man was riding a train…
After a while, he gets really bored and horny. He makes sure no one is looking and decides to jerk off.

When the train is nearing the man's stop, a woman passed by and catches the man committing his dirty deed.

"That is disgusting! There are people here!"

"Relax, lady. I'm getting off soon."

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Sexism in today's society.
It's disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in today's society.

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! "A fucking sandwich!" Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot; she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway!

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I tried the whole peanut-butter-on-my-dick-with-my-dog thing
my dog's dick still tastes disgusting and now i have PB all over my junk

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I tried the whole peanut butter on the dick with my dog thing
my dog's dick still tastes disgusting and now i have PB all over my junk

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I tried the whole peanut butter on the dick with my dog thing
t didn't make a difference. my dog's dick still tastes disgusting

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I just watched a porn where a secretary was gangbanged by the office staff. It was so disgusting to see how she was treated…
Any woman that worked that hard in my office would be referred to as an Administrative Assistant.

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A man is sitting next to a woman on a plane....
A man is sitting next to a woman on a plane. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his trousers and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. He sneezes again, unzips and wipes himself off with the handkerchief.

The woman says, "Sir, that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing condition that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, says with sympathy, "Oh, you poor man. What do you take for it?"

"Pepper," he answers.

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The Queen of England visits a hospital....
And while she is there, the doctor is showing her his most peculiar patients. He brings her to the first patient, and they catch the man inside masturbating ferociously. The Queen is clearly outraged while the doctor doesn't appear to be phased at all by this. The Queen turns to the doctor and says, "Why are you not doing anything about this? This is disgusting!" "Don't worry, " said the doctor "this man just has a rare disease where if he doesn't ejaculate constantly, his testicles will explode." The Queen calms down, collects her composure, and requests that they continue on with the tour. They go to the next door down and they open it up to see an attractive nurse performing fellatio on a patient. The Queen asks the doctor why he is allowing this crude act to be performed, and the doctor said,"He has the same disease as the last man you saw, but he has better insurance. "

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An accountant and an economist are walking through a forest...
They encounter a frog.

"I bet you $100 you won't lick it," says the economist The accountant, daring, licks the frog and receives $100.

They walk further, see another frog.

"Lick this frog, and you get your $100 back!" says the accountant. The economist looks at his friend in the eye, licks the frog and retrieves his $100.

"What was the point of this exercise? We've both done something disgusting, and we're no better off!"

"We have grown the local economy by $200!!!" says the economist.

"Yeah but we owe the government $40 each!"

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Its disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in todays society...
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway...

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A man was walking along the street when he slipped in a big pile of dog shit. A few moments later another man did the exact same thing. The first man said to him, "Heh, I just did that."
The second guy punched him in the face and called him a dirty, disgusting cunt.

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(Meta) To all the people with disgusting "jokes" Guess what.........
Chicken Butts!

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DISGUSTING JOKES THAT ARE...

Disgusting jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about disgust, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

A maybe original one-liner
"I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work," said the disgusting bartender.

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Jokes about vaginas are disgusting...
Period.

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What's the definition of disgusting?
Shoving 13 oysters up an old woman's pussy and sucking out 14.

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I just watched a porn where a secretary was gangbanged by the office staff. It was so disgusting to see how she was treated…
Any woman that worked that hard in my office would be referred to as an Administrative Assistant.

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What do you call a wind that never gusts?
Disgusting.

I'll see myself out...

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Q: What is worse than ten dead people in one trashcan?
A: One dead person in ten trashcans!

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Q: Did you hear about the new movie "Constipation?"
A: It hasn't come out yet.

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Q: Who is brave?
A: He who has diarrhea and wants to fart!

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Why is 6.9 disgusting as compared to 69?
6.9 has the period.

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What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

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BEST BLACK HUMOR JOKES

Most disgusting black humor jokes for people with dark sense of humor.

What is the difference between a fridge and a kid?
A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.

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What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

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Q: Why do you put babies into a blender feet first?
A: So you can see the look in their eyes when you turn it on!

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A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island.


After one month the woman says:
"I can not proceed in this way."
And she suicides herself.
After another month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they bury the woman.
The next month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they dig up the woman.

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How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

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A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off.


A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby.
The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me."
"Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man.
"No way, you're disgusting, go away."
The homeless man turns and starts walking away.
The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?"
The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."

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Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't.
The guilt was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"

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A guy walks in the local whorehouse, says "

I want the cheapest one you got, I don't have much money."
The guy behind the counter says "How bout the $1.95 cent special?"
The customer says "ok", and he paid, headed to the room.
When he opened the door, he found this beautiful broad spread out, just waiting for him.
He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her.
Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears.
He freaked, "omg she's sick."
He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happe ning, and the guy says "hey Joe! The dead one's full again!"

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WHAT ARE DISGUSTING JOKES ABOUT?

Disgusting is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about disgusting.

Are Disgusting jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring disgusting joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read disgusting jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with disgusting jokes on YouTube.

TOP FOOD JOKES THAT ARE DISGUSTING

Jokes about most disgusting food and people eating it.

What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

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Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm."

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What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.

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Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A: Kids don't eat broccoli.

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A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her, so she decides to leave him a present.


When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video.
He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video.
On TV, he sees his wife sucking his best friend's d**k.
He comes in her mouth, and she immediately spits the jizz into a bowl of cookie dough.
Then she turns to the camera.
"Oh, hello, I want a divorce."

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary replied, "I just peed in the soup!"

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Two flies sit on a pile of poop.
One fly passes gas.
The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."

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Q: What is the difference between a gay guy and a fridge?
A: The fridge doesn't fart when you take out the meat.

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Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.

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Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.


One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.
"We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners.
They eat their fill and leave.
The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

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Five liters of bean soup for dinner – letΒ΄s spend the night with the gas mask!

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What does a cannibal eat with cheese?
Pickled organs.

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Q: What's the difference between a cook and a gay?
A: The cook stirs today's lunch, whereas the gay stirs yesterday's dinner.

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What do you get when you eat a prune pizza?
Pizzeria!

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What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon?
"Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"

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Q: What's red, sits in front of a mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A vain idiot combing his hair with a potato peeler.

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How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
When the cake jumps out of the girl!

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Two girls take a walk on a hot summer day.


They see an old lady sitting in front of her house eating watermelon.
They notice she isn't wearing any panties.
"Is it cooler without panties?" they ask.
She says, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."

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A married couple go to a restaurant.
A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.
The man asks, "Where's the burger?"
The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit.
"I was keeping it warm," she replies.
The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."

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Cannibal Son: Mom, I don't like my brother anymore.
Cannibal Mother: You shut up and eat!

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A couple goes to Mexico City on vacation and eats at a famous local restaurant.


The waiter tells them they have a delicious special every Sunday, so the couple orders the special.
With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping.
It smells delicious and tastes even better.
The couple is delighted with their meal, and the husband asks the waiter what fabulous meat was in the dish.
"Senor," he explains, "each Saturday night, we have the bullfights, and that was the bull's balls you ate."
The couple is a bit taken aback by what they have just eaten, but it was delicious, so they get over it.
Six months later, the couple returns to Mexico City and decides to go to the same restaurant.
Feeling adventuresome, they order the same dish.
Once again, with great fanfare, the waiter brings out the huge silver serving dish and places it on the table.
But this time, there are two tiny pieces of meat, barely enough for one.
The man says, "Excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this dish, it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this portion so small?"
The waiter smiles and replies, "Well, you see, senor, sometimes the bull wins!"

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A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.


It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.
"I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."

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There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road kill.


The first bum went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?"
He replied, "No I think I'll wait."
So they continue down the road and the first bum said, "Look - some more road kill, I'm still hungry. How about you?"
His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait."
The first bum ate the road kill.
Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street.
Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke.
The first bum said, "I thought you weren't hungry?"
His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."

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A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast.

"
And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt."
Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was."
But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down up and down... and he asks, "But where did you get this twitch?"
The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch, I'm chewing bubble gum."

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Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse.


One says to the other, "I'll start at the head, you start at the feet."
They start to eat, and after awhile the one at the head yells to the other one, "Hey, how's it going?"
The other replies, "I'm having a ball!"
Getting mad, the one at the head yells, "Dammit, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

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A guy is going down on a prostitute.
During the process he pulls out a piece of corn.
Mildly disgusted, he tries to forget about it and continues.
Then he finds a chunk of carrot and a pea, and he says, "I think I am going to be sick."
The whore looks up and says, "That's what the last guy said!"

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"Hey Jaeger, are you enjoying that apple?"
"Sure, why do you ask."
"I was going to offer you some toast."
"How kind of... I'll accept."
"Great, but what's toast without any butter Jaeger."
"You're right about that!"
"Well give me a few seconds, let me go scrape some off of your mother's teeth!"

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An old man and a young man work together in an office.


The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies.
"Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

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A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentaly dropps some BB from the shelf into the batter.
She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake.
Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BBs.
The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, "Mom, mom, I pissed out a beebee!"
She says "That's okay, son. I accidentaly dropped some beebees into the cake batter. You'll be fine."
Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, "Mom, mom, I.."
But the mother cuts him off and she says, "I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine."
Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, "Mom, mom, I.."
And the mother cuts him off and says, "I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine."
But then son says, "No, no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

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Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

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That moment when you notice that one fork isn't really very clean when you're laying the table and you have to decide which family member you like the least.

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A waitress walks up to a man to take his order.


"I'd like to get the turtle soup, please."
The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants the pea soup instead.
"Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

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A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.


The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?"
"Yes, it's at home," replies the man.
"To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.
Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter.
"Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier.
"Yes I do, it's at home," says the man.
"Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.
The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier.
He has a brown paper bag in his hand.
"Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here."
The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag.
"It is all soft and warm," she says.
"Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

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At a restaurant, one of the customers notices that all of the waiters have two spoons in their vest pockets.
A waiter explains, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware is spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement."
Then the customer notices a string hanging out of all the waiters' flies.
"The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explains the waiter.
"That way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims straight, and we don't need to use our hands."
The customer asks, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?"
The waiter replies, "Well, that's another reason we carry the spoons."

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Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law.

"
The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."

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You might be a redneck if you think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

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Why should you only put 239 beans in bean soup?
Cuz one more will make it "too farty!"

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What's the deal with airline food? One moment it's disgusting, the next...
it's all over the 96th floor of the World Trade Center

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A guy gets out of the V.D.
Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long.
Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times.
After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.
"How's the food there?" asks the hooker.
"Because I'm going in there tomorrow!"

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Imagine, there are on the bus only 5 persons:
A busman, an old woman, two younger women and one man.
The old woman comes to the busman and tells him: "Dear busman, would you like to eat a few hazelnuts?"
The busman says: "Yes, why not?"
He takes the hazelnuts from her hand and eats them.
This repeats even two times, but when the old woman offers other hazelnuts to the busman for the fourth time, the busman asks this old woman:
"Madame, where do you take all these hazelnuts from? It is a real amount and I am already full."
The old woman only says: "You know, dear busman, I have bought the chocolate with hazelnuts, the hazelnuts are very hard for my dental plate, so I have sucked them all out, brought it to you and you have already eaten them all."

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"If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up at the wrong end.

"
"People who go out of their way to help others have great taste."
"An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but not hungry."
"Don't give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed at another morgue."
"A journey of a hundred trillion cells begins with a single nibble."
"The only difference between a big shot and a little shot is that the big shot takes longer to chew."
"It's all right to have little butterflies in your stomach. In fact, I'd say a trip to the elementary school play is a wonderful idea."
"You don't know what your appetite can get away with until you try. Or are tried."
"If you carry your childhood with you, you should probably go the bathroom soon."
"Never keep up with Joneses. Have them over for dinner."
"Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a very startled swimmer."

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TOP FART JOKES THAT ARE DISGUSTING

Disgusting jokes about people farting and making fun of it.

Q: Who is brave?
A: He who has diarrhea and wants to fart!

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Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence.


Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants then..."

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Q: Why do men fart louder than women?
A: because they have a microphone and two speakers.

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Q: Why there are many bubbles on the pool's water?
A: Swimmers are farting.

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regular ass
(_!_)

fat ass
(__!__)

tight ass
(!)

flat ass
(_.

_)

bubble ass
(_^_)

sore ass
(_*_)

lop-sided ass
(_!__)

swishy ass
{_!_}

surprised ass
(_o_)

ass that's been around
(_O_)

kiss my ass
(_x_)

leave my ass alone
(_X_)

tired ass
(_zzz_)

wise ass
(_o^o_)

unlucky ass
(_13_)

money out the ass
(_$_)

dumb ass
(_?_)

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A man farts in bed next to his wife.
His wife asks, "What in the world was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown. I'm winning, seven nothing."
She decides to get even, so she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."
He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he sh*ts in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

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A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.


On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

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Q: Why do farts smell?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them, too.

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Five liters of bean soup for dinner – letΒ΄s spend the night with the gas mask!

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Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?

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One night my mother in law came to our home.


In the middle of the night suddenly I was awakened by a horrible sound from WC.
She farted.
I was so angry that shouted and said: "Your food is under your feet and your weapons are complete get out and go to fight with ISIS!"

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Yo mama is so fat whenever I want to make sex I would request her to fart in order to find the address of her ass.

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Q: What is the difference between a gay guy and a fridge?
A: The fridge doesn't fart when you take out the meat.

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If you have a grief nobody feels,
If you have a pain nobody feels.


If your heart is broken nobody feels,
but if you fart all will understand.

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There once was a girl named Suzy Brown
Said no one could lay her down.


Over the hill came Piss Paul Pete,
With forty pounds of swinging meat.
He took her in the long tall grass,
Shoved his dick right up her ass.
Then she blew one gnarly fart,
Blew his ball two feet apart.
Over the hill went Piss Paul Pete,
With forty pounds of shredded meat.

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If there are two people in an elevator and one of them farts everybody knows who did it.

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What's gross?
Farting in the bathtub.



What's grosser than that?
Catching the bubbles with your teeth.

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Never hold in a fart; that's something an asshole would do.

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Your fart's so loud, astronauts in space mistook your fart for a message from Houston!

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What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

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Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
A: Her ankles swell up when she farts.

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A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home.


The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.
After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up.
Again, she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back to put her upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

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A nice respectable lady with a savory smell of perfume got on the bus and took a seat beside me.


After some moments I dared to ask her: "Excuse me lady do you mind me please to ask you what is the name of this perfume and where did you buy it from? I want to buy one for my wife."
The lady responded: "It is Chanel and from Paris."
After about ten minutes later I felt a strong wind in my belly so I slowly blew it out.
Some seconds later she broke and said: "Offf... what is this smell my God"?
I said: "Gar lic and from Gilroy city in California."

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Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one night, and had just finished when Paul decided he was going to freshen up in the shower.
Tom was laying there thinking about how wonderful Paul was, when he decided he was going to join him in the shower.
When Tom got into the bathroom, he opened up the shower curtain and the first thing he saw was a large cumshot on the wall.
He wailed to Tom, "I can't believe you! We just finish making love and you come in here and jack-off!"
Paul looks at the wall and says "What are you talkng about? I wasn't jacking-off, I farted!"

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There was an old married couple who love each other very much.


But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge nasty wet fart with his wife right in the bed next to him.
The wife always says "One day you're going to fart your guts out if you don't stop."
Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind.
She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting fart all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while.
Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."

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Once upon a time, there was a very happy, long-married couple who ran a small farm.


They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially.
The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain.
"One day, you'll spill your guts out, you mark my words!" was the lady's frequent closing warning.

Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the turkey, she had a stroke of genius.
She took all the turkey's guts and went to their bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man's covers.
"That'll teach him!" she thought with satisfaction and went back to her work.
At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite shocking for a farmer – and she was starting to worry when finally her husband came down – walking a little strange, wearing an even stranger expression.
"You were right about the farting, Ida," he panted, "I'm ashamed to admit that I did fart my guts out. But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, all is right again!"

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Fart Glossary:
ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.


ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.
ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.
TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.
BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.
JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.
DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.
GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.
HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.
SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.
TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.
OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.
BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.
ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.
NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"
U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".

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A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I fart, it sounds like, "Honda."
The doctor says, "You say, 'Honda?'"
"No," the guy says. "My farts do."
So, the doctor says, "OK, open your mouth," and looks inside.
After about two minutes, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, I can't help you, you need to go see a dentist."
The guy says, "Why a dentist?"
The doctor says, "Because you have an absessed tooth."
The guy says, "What the hell does that have to do with my condition?"
The doctor says, "Well, didn't you know? Absess makes the farts go Honda!"

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Once upon a time there were these two bums walking down the railroad tracks, and the first bum, Fred, thought he smelled a nasty old smell. He asked his companion, Jeff, ''Did you s**t your pants?''
"Hell no," Jeff said.
They walked a few more miles and the smell got worse.
"Did you s**t your pants, Jeff?"
"I swear to the God almighty I did not s**t my pants," Jeff said.
So they walk three more miles and the smell gets just horrible.
Fred runs over and pulls down Jeff's pants and says, "I thought you said you didn't s**t your pants?!"
"I didn't." Jeff said.
"They're your pants."

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Two gay men are walking down the street trying to bum a ride.


A truck driver picks them up.
After a while the first gay man asked in a very gay voice, "Please sir can I fart?"
The truck driver then says, "Yeah sure who cares."
So the gay guy goes "POOF".
Then the second gay man asks if he can fart. The truck driver says he doesn't care and the second gay man went ''poof''.
Then the big truck driver goes to the gay men and says, "Ok gentlemen can I fart?"
The gay men say right on and the truckdriver lets it blow.
The fart was huge and smelly and loud.
The gay men then say, "He is obviously a virgin."

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Why should you only put 239 beans in bean soup?
Cuz one more will make it "too farty!"

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Q: What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
A: A private tooter.

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Q: How do you know a gay guy has farted?
A: He needs to change his pants afterward.

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My mother in law's farts are so horrible that I can rent her to governments for using instead of chemical weapons for destroying their enemies!

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A sexology professor announced that if any man over 50 eats 2 or 3 dates with a raw garlic clove he never fails in sex problems.
This prescription makes his dick strong and heathy.
There is only one side effect.
That diet causes he blows many farts daily!

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Why do women always fart only when they go to the bathroom?
They have to blow dryβ€”and there's nothing to shake.

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Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

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Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers.


The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."
The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."
The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."
The first and second boys where amazed.
The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"
"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."

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When I reached bus stop I saw a pretty blonde who was gazing me.


First I supposed perhaps she loves me so I also watched her and twinkled her.
Then I understood she has farted and is looking me in order whether I would feel or not.

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If I wanted to hear from an a**hole I would fart.

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TOP SEX JOKES THAT ARE DISGUSTING

Most disgusting sex jokes. From dirty and knock knock jokes to corny and funny memes.

a hobo finds a woman on the ledge of a bridge crossing a deep valley
Hobo: "hey, are you going to jump?"
Woman: "Yes I am going to jump. I can't go on with life"
H: "well, before you do that, don't you want to have sex a last time? like, say, with me?"
W: "ha, definitely not. You'll understand that if I'm about to commit suicide, I'm not really in the mood for sex. Plus, you're ugly and disgusting, so there's no way I will have sex with you"

The hobo sighs, then starts to walk away.

W (shouting at the hobo):"hey! why are you leaving??? aren't you going to try and prevent me from doing this? Tell me that I shouldn't jump?? that suicide isn't a solution? that life is worth living or some shit like that? ANYTHING???"

H: "well, normally I would, but now I gotta hurry so that you're still a bit warm when I reach the foot of the bridge"

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Sexism in today's society.
It's disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in today's society.

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! "A fucking sandwich!" Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot; she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway!

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Ladies discussing their sex life...
Ladies discussing their sex life...

Mrs. John- I notice that when I go down on Mr. John and give a blowjob, his balls are always cold.

Mrs. Jamesβ€”Mr. James's balls are cold too, when I give a Blowjob.

Mrs. David (is shocked)-- How can you both do such thing, It is disgusting.

Both explain to Mrs. David that a blowjob is the best way to getting him into buying new Jewelry.

Mrs. David agrees and says-I will try tonight.

Next Day....Both are shocked to see Mrs. David's face bruised and beaten black n blue,

What Happened they asked ??

Mrs. David-- My Husband did this.

Other Two Ladies- But why ??

Mrs David -- I don't know, I was giving him a blowjob and all I said was - Hey your balls are also cold like Mr. John and Mr. James

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Worst, most disgusting NSFW joke EVER
One drunken night, I returned home from the bar with a new lady friend. It had been way too long since I had been laid, so my standards weren't too high by this point. As we start having sex, it feels ROUGH.

"We are just going to have to stop.. this hurts", I said.

"Ohh *that*. Want me to fix it"? She asked.

She then goes the to the bathroom, comes back out and jumps on top of me.

"Holy shit, this is the best sex I've ever had! What in the world did you do in there?", I asked.

"Nothing really. I just had to pick off all of the scabs and let the pus drain out".

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Little Johnny walks into his parent's room one night to find them having sex.


"Mom? What are you doing?" he asks his mom.
"Making a cake" his mom replies.
Later that week, Little Johnny walks asks his mom in the car "Were you and daddy making a cake on the couch" he asks.
"Yeah. Why?" his mom asks, confused and worried.
"Because I licked the icing off the couch! It was delicious!" he responded.

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How do you know when your sister is on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes like blood.

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Q: How do you know a blonde just lost her virginity?
A: The crayons are still sticky.

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The fingers of my girlfriend were in my pants;


I asked her "Is it thick?"
She said "yes dear."
Again I asked: "Is it warm?"
She replied: "yes honey."
Then I asked: "Is it soft?"
She said, "yes of course."
"It is my shit!" I told her.

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Yo mama is so fat whenever I want to make sex I would request her to fart in order to find the address of her ass.

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This desperate guy named Jim goes to the whorehouse with 5$.


He buys a the cheapest prostitute named Sandpaper Sally.
As they start to have sex, Jim screams, "Ouch! Now I know why they call you Sandpaper Sally!"
Sally scoots out of the room.
Five minutes later she came back and Jim attempts sex once again.
"What the hell happened?" asks Jim, "This is the best sex I''ve ever had!"
Sally replies, "Oh, I just picked my scabs."

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What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life?
You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter.

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Q: Did you hear about the couple that "96ed?"
A: After they "69ed" they rolled over and sh*t in each other's hair.

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Q: What do you call the sweat on your balls after having sex with your cousin?
A: Relative humidity.

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As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

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One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down.
By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there.
"I'm on a honeymoon."
"Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?"
"Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection."
"What about oral sex?"
"Gingivitis."
"Anal sex?"
"Diarrhea."
"Pardon my question, but why are you with her?"
"Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."

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An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra.


The doctor said, β€œThat’s no problem. How many do you want?”
The man answered, β€œJust a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.”
The doctor said, β€œThat won’t do you any good.”
The elderly gentleman said, β€œThat’s all right. I don’t need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

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Q: How do you know a gay guy has farted?
A: He needs to change his pants afterward.

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Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't.
The guilt was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"

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A sexology professor announced that if any man over 50 eats 2 or 3 dates with a raw garlic clove he never fails in sex problems.
This prescription makes his dick strong and heathy.
There is only one side effect.
That diet causes he blows many farts daily!

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On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear.
She said, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he figured he'd better look into it.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..."
The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!"

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A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds:
"Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks."
The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened next?"
The guy says: "Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks: "Soo... did you get any head?"
The guy says: "No, I couldn't find it..."

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A man goes to the doctor about the size if his penis.


He says to the doctor "My penis is too small."
Doctor gives the man some medicine, says "Drink this everytime you bump into something your penis will grow an inch."
So the man thanks the doctor and leaves.
He drinks the medicine on his way home he bumps into a lampot so his penis grew an inch.
Just a little further down the road he bumps into an Indian guy.
A thousand apologies, he penis grows one thousand inches, baffled by his extra long penis he decides to paint it red, hite and blue, and wrapped it round his neck, he decides to go to the cinema, he was watching a dirty movie, sat on the top of the row of seats, all of a sudden this voice comes on the speaker.
"Can the man with the red white and blue scarf stop chucking ice cream to the people below?"

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A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

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A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off.


A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby.
The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me."
"Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man.
"No way, you're disgusting, go away."
The homeless man turns and starts walking away.
The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?"
The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."

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Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one night, and had just finished when Paul decided he was going to freshen up in the shower.
Tom was laying there thinking about how wonderful Paul was, when he decided he was going to join him in the shower.
When Tom got into the bathroom, he opened up the shower curtain and the first thing he saw was a large cumshot on the wall.
He wailed to Tom, "I can't believe you! We just finish making love and you come in here and jack-off!"
Paul looks at the wall and says "What are you talkng about? I wasn't jacking-off, I farted!"

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Two sperms.
The first one asked the second "How much time we need to reach the womb?"
The second one answered "To much time left... We are in the stomach now."

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The 15 Dollar Hooker
A guy is really horny and wants to have sex, but he doesn't have a girlfriend and is sort of a loser. So, he goes on the street and picks up a $15 hooker. He takes her to a motel and starts fucking her, but runs into a problem: she's crusty and disgusting.

He tells her, "I can't do this anymore. I have to stop."

She says, "For $5 extra, I'll give you the best fuck you've ever had."

The guy thinks it over and thinks it's worth a shot. The girl goes into the bathroom and 20 minutes later, she comes back. They start fucking and it's the best fuck he ever had.

He finishes and as he's paying her, he asks, "What did you do to make it so good?"

She says, "For $5 extra, I pick the scabs."

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One day a guy and a girl were making out in her parents' bedroom, and it was getting pretty steamy.


All of a sudden, the guy takes out his shlong and places it in her hand.
She screams and runs downstairs, through the kitchen, through the living room, the bathroom, the dining room, back upstairs, through her bedroom, her bathroom, her sister's bedroom, down the hall and back into her parents' bedroom.
"Listen, pal! I have two words for you -- DROP DEAD!"
"I have two words for you -- LET GO!"

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Question: If you went to a party and woke up with a condom in your ass would you tell anyone?
Answer: No!
Response: Wanna go to a party?

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I find gay sex disgusting
I find gay sex disgusting, with all that penetration and stuff

That is why I just ask guys to come on my face

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Zeh Spring.
A French farmer is walking through a field when he sees a couple having sex under a tree. He smiles to himself and says "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". Then he looks closer and sees she is so pallid, and she's not moving, and then he realizes the awful truth -she is dead. So he thinks "zhat is disgusting" and runs down to the village to get help.

He runs into the bar and says "I was up in Martin's field and I saw a couple making love under a tree". The whole bar in unison sways "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". The farmer says, "I thought that too, but the woman, she is dead!" The bar says "that is disgusting, we must get the doctor!".

So they run to the doctor. "Doctor, there is a couple in Martins field having sex under a tree!", and the doctor starts "Ah the Spring.." - "No, no, doctor, we already said that - the woman, she is dead!" The doctor says "sacre bleu!" and runs up to check it out.

Half hour later he saunters in the bar and they ask "so doctor, this couple in Martin's field?" and the doctor says "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". The bar says "but the woman?" and the doctor says "but the woman what?" and the bar says "but the woman, she is dead."

The doctor says "Ah no, she is not dead, she is English".

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A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island.


After one month the woman says:
"I can not proceed in this way."
And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they dig up the woman.

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A guy gets out of the V.D.
Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long.
Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times.
After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.
"How's the food there?" asks the hooker.
"Because I'm going in there tomorrow!"

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TOP WORK JOKES THAT ARE DISGUSTING

Jokes about people doing disgusting work.

A maybe original one-liner
"I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work," said the disgusting bartender.

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Q: What does a plumber need to know about his job?
A: Sh*t runs downhill and payday is on Friday.

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Q: What's the difference between a cook and a gay?
A: The cook stirs today's lunch, whereas the gay stirs yesterday's dinner.

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Q: Why did the gay man get fired from his job at the sperm bank?
A: Drinking on the job.

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So my co worker keeps telling me grimy stories.
Co worker: You want to her something disgusting.

Me: Not really, but you're going to tell me anyways so go ahead.

Co worker: So I was fucking her while she was screaming "Daddy, daddy, oh god!" and when we finished up I dropped her off at her crib.

Me: That's innappropriate for work, but what was so disgusting about it?

Co worker: I had to change her diaper after we were finished.

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Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out.


One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush.
"What the hell is this?" he asks the pastor.
"Why, it's a toilet brush."
"Ooh, I see," says Josi.
A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working.
"Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper."

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A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers.


He rushes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"But I don't have the fingers!"
"Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.
"Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

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One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, "Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world."
Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"

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Two guys always catch the train to work together;

one is French, the other Italian.
Every morning when the French guy gets on, he passes his fingers underneath his nose while sniffing and says "Aaahhh... Fifi!"
He does this every day, so the Italian guy says to him one morning, "Why do you do that and say 'Aaahhh... Fifi!'?"
The French man explaines that Fifi is his wife, and he fingers her every morning and it reminds him of her all day.
The next morning, the French guy gets on the trains and sniffs his fingers saying, "Fifi!"
Then the Italian guy gets on and runs his whole arm under his nose and says, "Aaahhh... Maria!"

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Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

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If you think you have shitty job, what if you were toilet paper!

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Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.


One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it.
Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory.
The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple.
The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut.
Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs. She happily runs it up in her crotch.
Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob.
Bob smells it three times.
"I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussywillow or a shingle from a shithouse."

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Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen.


Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred.
The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret.
Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up a tobacco dip sample table.
"This is your secret?" says the first guy.
"Try some dip," says the third.
They both take a little bit o' dip.
"Ech!" says the second guy.
"This tastes like s**t!"
"It is s**t. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"

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Two doctors opened an office in a small town.


They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!

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An old man and a young man work together in an office.


The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies.
"Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

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Q: What did the butcher say when he backed into the meat-grinder?
A: Looks like I'm getting a little behind in my work!

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CONCLUSION

Best of 385 Disgusting Jokes Ever. Awful disgusting one liners, really funny jokes about feeling disgust. Some are about food, fart, sex life, while others are dirty and disgusting black humor.

You've read some of the best disgusting jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of puns about disgusting. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty disgusting gags to your kids.

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