Disgusting Jokes

Following is our collection of horrible humor and eww one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Disgusting puns for adults, dirty abomination jokes or clean ghastly gags for kids.

There is an abundance of repulsive jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 66 funniest jokes on disgusting. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any spits witze you can hear about disgusting.

The Best jokes about Disgusting

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"


My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

A young Korean couple are lying in bed...

When the guy starts farting nonstop.

The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"

"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."

"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding

Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".

A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...

"Maybe I shouldn't have been masturbating on a bus..."

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

YUK!

A man walks in on his daughter pleasuring her-self with a cucumber.

He yells at her: "Oh god, that's disgusting! I was going to eat that, and now it's gonna taste of cucumber"


Dad, are bugs good to eat..?

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

Men want only one thing and it's disgusting....

Women want only 2,337 things and it's exhausting.

Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

A vegan said to me : people who sell meat are disgusting

I replied with : people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer

People say cannibals are disgusting human beings

But this one tastes pretty good

A plumber rings the doorbell

"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.

"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"

"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"

"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"

"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike


I like to sleep completely naked

I don't know why is it disgusting to some people. Dude, you can just take another bus.

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking.

It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

Age old debate.

People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

It's pretty disgusting how celebrity parents name their children after cooked rodent.

Poor Chris Pratt

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby in Glasgow.

The bus driver turns to her and says Oi! That there's the ugliest baby I've ever seen, you should be ashamed of yourself, bringing a baby like that out in public. It's disgusting! She rushes to the back of the bus in tears, and a gentleman leans over to her and asks Lassie, why're you crying?
She says Well that bus driver up there just said the most horrible thing to me that anyone's ever said before.
In shock the gentleman exclaims Well you can't just let him get away with that! You've got to get up there and give him a piece of your mind! Here, I'll hold your monkey.

Homeless man and a Suicidal Woman.

A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"

The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years."

The woman replied "No, you're disgusting."

The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?"

The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."

What is the difference between a fridge and a kid?
A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.

I hate people who finds it disgusting when i breastfeed in public ..

It's completely normal and strenghtens the bond between me and my dog.

Zeh Spring.

A French farmer is walking through a field when he sees a couple having sex under a tree. He smiles to himself and says "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". Then he looks closer and sees she is so pallid, and she's not moving, and then he realizes the awful truth -she is dead. So he thinks "zhat is disgusting" and runs down to the village to get help.

He runs into the bar and says "I was up in Martin's field and I saw a couple making love under a tree". The whole bar in unison sways "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". The farmer says, "I thought that too, but the woman, she is dead!" The bar says "that is disgusting, we must get the doctor!".

So they run to the doctor. "Doctor, there is a couple in Martins field having sex under a tree!", and the doctor starts "Ah the Spring.." - "No, no, doctor, we already said that - the woman, she is dead!" The doctor says "sacre bleu!" and runs up to check it out.

Half hour later he saunters in the bar and they ask "so doctor, this couple in Martin's field?" and the doctor says "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". The bar says "but the woman?" and the doctor says "but the woman what?" and the bar says "but the woman, she is dead."

The doctor says "Ah no, she is not dead, she is English".

A maybe original one-liner

"I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work," said the disgusting bartender.

Put all your disgusting jokes here.

Heres one: Jimmy is playing in his room when a wormhole opens up and Jimmy 30 years from now gets out.

Younger Jimmy says,' Wow! What do I become when I grow up?'

'A pedophile' Older Jimmy says as he locks the door.

A white man, a Jew, and an African got lost in the desert...

They found a tree that provided some shade and sat underneath it to rest.

All of a sudden, a caterpillar fell from the tree into the white man's lap. "This is disgusting!" Yelled the white man, and threw the caterpillar at the Jew. The Jew, too, was disgusted and threw the caterpillar at the African. The African picked it up, shrugged, and ate it.

A few minutes passed. Another caterpillar fell into the white man's lap. Again, the white man threw the caterpillar at the Jew. This time, the Jew turned to the African and asked, "How about ten dollars for a caterpillar?"

EDITED for grammar

Stop making jokes about how fat and disgusting Amy Schumer is.

You're stealing her material.

Dad, are bugs good to eat?

That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner, the dad replies.

After dinner the father asks, Now, son, what did you want to ask me?

Oh, nothing, the boy says. There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone.

A man brought some cookies to a party...

His friend approached him later during the party. He asked for the recipe to show his wife.

"You see, the secret trick is that I put the dough in my belly button to measure out the perfect size of each cookie," he tells his friend.

"That's absolutely disgusting," says the friend.

He answers, "Oh, you're not going to like the way I make donuts then."

A man buys a Christmas tree.

As he goes to pay for the tree, the attendant says, "Are you putting the tree up yourself?"

The man replies, "Quit being disgusting. I'm putting the tree in my living room."

An old ugly wife is looking in the mirror...

Listing all the things wrong with her old flabby hairy body while her husband lays on the bed watching an ocean documentary on TV.

"I'm disgusting, aren't I?"

He doesn't respond.

"Hey! Answer me! I look like a whale, don't I!?"

He responds, "No! Absolutely not, you don't look anything like a whale, my dear..."

Before she could get out an "aww thanks", he says "Have you *seen* how stunningly beautiful those creatures are!?!"

A man was picking out a Christmas tree

A man was picking out a Christmas tree.

When he goes to pay for it, the cashier asks him, "Will you be putting this up yourself?"

The man replies, "Quit being disgusting! I'm putting it in my living room."

A woman is looking at herself naked in the mirror

....she rubs her tummy and says to her husband "I feel ugly, fat and disgusting. Pay me a compliment"
Husband says "well, your eyesight is spot on"

I recently bought a Christmas tree at a shop...

The man at the cashier said to me "Are you going to put that up yourself?"

I replied to him in disgust saying "No, that is disgusting! I'm going to put it up in my living room."

USSR Joke Adapted For 2018

On a tour of Washington D.C. a young man lags behind the tour group to take a longer look at the White House. However, he was quite upset with the President and in a moment of anger he shouts across the lawn "The President is a disgusting pig". As he turns to walk away the D.C. police quickly arrest the man and he is taken before a judge. The Judge takes a cursory glance at the charges and sentences the man to 4 years in prison. In disbelief he yells to the judge "I didn't know insulting the President was a crime". The Judge lowers his glasses and says "Insulting the President isn't a crime, but revealing state secrets is".

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting

but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree...

The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting... I'm going to put it in the living room."

A leper walks into a bar & tells the bartender...

A leper walks into a bar & tells the bartender "I know I'm disgusting looking but If you could please serve me a scotch I'd be grateful, I'll leave if I'm too much to stomach." Bartender says "No problem, as long as your paying I'll pour."

So the bartender pours the leper a drink & then starts gagging. the leper say's he'll leave but the bartender says "No it's ok." So the leper orders another scotch & the bartender pours the drink then vomits. the leper says "you don't have to pretend I'm not hideous I can leave." The bartender shakes his head & says " what you look like isn't a big deal, but the guy next to you keeps dipping his chips in your arm."

Crime in elevators is disgusting and a huge problem for society

It's just wrong on so many levels

A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.

They walk in and, being that he doesn't have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.

That's disgusting! One guy says to the other.

Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!

The Yin and Yang of dumplings and kebabs

An old asian man operates a store on the bottom floor of his house where he sells dumplings and kebabs. The dumplings are known for being the best in the entire city, but the kebabs are completely disgusting. The strange thing is, whenever you order a dumpling, you must also get a kebab with it. When people try to order just a dumpling, the old man straight up refuses. Many people avoid the shop for this reason.

One day, the man's nephew comes in, and asks "uncle, you know everybody loves your dumplings and hates your kebabs, right? You could probably get more business if you only sold dumplings." The old man leans in with a knowing smile, and says "I know that everyone loves my dumplings and hates the kebabs... But for all the light in this world, there must also be dark. Where something good is found, there must also be something bad. It is the way of the universe. Also this house has no toilet."

A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."

"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.

The man turns and starts walking away.

"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"

"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.

When it comes to gay sex, I think the backwards views of my grandfather are disgusting

So I might try missionary style with him instead

I hate when my roommates throw cigarettes in the toilet for two reasons.

A: it's disgusting and B: they are harder to light.

How many appendages am I holding up?

This was an on-the-spot joke made by my dad at the dinner table:

>Dad: I can see everything

>Me: How many fingers am I holding up below the table?

>Dad: No more than five.

>Me (thinking to include toes): How many appendages am I holding up?

>Dad: That's disgusting.

Two men are walking to the market together

The first man says to the other, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't get a frog and eat it." The second man takes the offer and picks up a frog from a puddle on the way. He eats it and receives $5. As the two continue walking, the second man decides that he should get the first man to do something disgusting too to even things out. He says, "I'll bet five dollars that you can't do the same thing I just did." The first man takes the offer and picks up another frog. He promptly eats it and gets $5.

A little while after that, the first man says, "Dude I think we both just ate a frog for free."

A senior nun walks in on an novice...

... who was vigourously masturbating with a cob of corn.

The Mother Superior says: "That's disgusting! I was going to eat that, and you know I hate the taste of corn!"

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.

After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

Little Johnny walks into his parent's room one night to find them having sex.


"Mom? What are you doing?" he asks his mom.
"Making a cake" his mom replies.
Later that week, Little Johnny walks asks his mom in the car "Were you and daddy making a cake on the couch" he asks.
"Yeah. Why?" his mom asks, confused and worried.
"Because I licked the icing off the couch! It was delicious!" he responded.

Did you hear about the milk incident at the farm?

It was udderly disgusting

A warehouse worker...

A warehouse worker is getting ready to ship a bunch of cases of disgusting, prepackaged food, but he can't get it to fit properly on a skid.

The food was unpalatable.

Missed school yesterday

A little boy didn't go to school one day. The next day when the  teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was in heat, so I had to take her to the bull."

"How disgusting," said the teacher. "I'm sure your father could have done that."

"No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to be the bull."

What do you call a wind that never gusts?

Disgusting.

I'll see myself out...

Talking to a vegan today

I was talking to a vegan today and they said : "I think butchers or anyone who sells meat is disgusting ! " to which I replied "well I think people who sell fruit and veg are grocer"

An elderly lady goes to see the doctor about her flatulence.

Doctor, can you please help? I pass wind all the time. They don't smell, they don't make a sound, but I've farted three times already since coming in here.

The Doctor prescribes some tablets and asks the lady to return in a week.

Doctor, help! My gas has gotten worse! They still don't make a sound but now they stink, it's disgusting!

The Doctor replies, Good, we've fixed your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing.

An accountant and an economist are walking through a forest...

They encounter a frog.

"I bet you $100 you won't lick it," says the economist The accountant, daring, licks the frog and receives $100.

They walk further, see another frog.

"Lick this frog, and you get your $100 back!" says the accountant. The economist looks at his friend in the eye, licks the frog and retrieves his $100.

"What was the point of this exercise? We've both done something disgusting, and we're no better off!"

"We have grown the local economy by $200!!!" says the economist.

"Yeah but we owe the government $40 each!"

My wife cooked ribs last night.

I accidentally dropped one on the floor, but still picked it up and took a bite.

She yelled, "that's disgusting!"

I replied, "well, you're the one that cooked it!"

Husband: Hey baby, hold my jock strap.

Wife: That's disgusting why would I hold your jock strap?

Husband: Well I always hold your purse for you.

Wife: That's not remotely the same.

Husband: Why not, they both hold our junk.


Credit to /u/WhistleWhileYouLurk.

A tourist is driving through the Australian outback

He turns a corner to see a guy having sex with a sheep on the roadside

Disgusted and shocked he sees a pub up the road and calls in.

As he enters he sees a one legged Australian masturbating against the bar.

"Dear God" he says to the barman.."This country is disgusting"

Barman replies "Why is that mate ?"

Tourist says "I've just seen a man having sex with a sheep and now a one legged man masturbating by the bar"

"Be fair mate", said the barman, "You can't expect a one legged bloke to catch a sheep !!"

One day a woman was lying on her couch watching TV when she heard her boyfriend in the kitchen

She assumed he was in there getting some ice cream and she called in there "Bring me some too!" A few minutes later, the boyfriend comes into the living room and hands her a bowl. She says "thanks" and takes a bite and immediately spits it out in disgust. "What is this? It's disgusting!" she exclaimed. "Cat food", the boyfriend answered. "I was in the kitchen feeding the cat and I "brought you some too".

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes