Disgusting Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.

A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting

I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

My girlfriend asked me if I ever take a piss while in the shower.

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."

She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"

"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."

Donald Trump

Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.

 

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

A young Korean couple are lying in bed...

When the guy starts farting nonstop.

The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"

"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."

"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding

Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".

A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...

"Maybe I shouldn't have been masturbating on a bus..."

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary...

...What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

My wife asked me if I had ever peed in the shower...

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a shit."

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

YUK!

A man walks in on his daughter pleasuring her-self with a cucumber.

He yells at her: "Oh god, that's disgusting! I was going to eat that, and now it's gonna taste of cucumber"

Dad, are bugs good to eat..?

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

Men want only one thing and it's disgusting....

Women want only 2,337 things and it's exhausting.

Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

A woman was breastfeeding on the bus today

Suddenly, an old lady started yelling "how dare you do this in public!!", she kept on screaming and screaming, like "that's disgusting", "what a disgrace" etc...

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the time or place for a wank.

Lately my husband has started pissing with the door open.

Do you have any idea how disgusting that is when you're trying to drive.

Two Italian men are talking loudly on a bus

One is telling the other one, "First Emma come. Then I come. Then two asses, they come together. Then I come again. Then the two asses, they come again. Then I peepee. Then I come one last time."

An old lady sitting next to them turns and exclaims, "Excuse me, but nobody else on this bus wants to hear about your disgusting sexual depravity!"

The Italian man says to her, "Scusi lady, I am teaching my friend how to spell 'Mississippi'."

People say cannibals are disgusting human beings

But this one tastes pretty good

My wife asked me if I pee in the shower

I said "occasionally "
She said "that's disgusting "
I said " hey these things happen when you're taking a shit"

A friend asks me why I smoke cigarettes...

*"with all the money you've spent on cigarettes over the last 25 years, you could've bought a ferrari"*

"well, have you ever smoked?"

*"no, it's disgusting"*

"WELL WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING FERRARI?!"

A plumber rings the doorbell

"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.

"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"

"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"

"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"

"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

Sexism in today's society.

It's disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in today's society.

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! "A fucking sandwich!" Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot; she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway!

Its disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in todays society...

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway...

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

I like to sleep completely naked

I don't know why is it disgusting to some people. Dude, you can just take another bus.

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking.

It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

It's pretty disgusting how celebrity parents name their children after cooked rodent.

Poor Chris Pratt

Age old debate.

People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."

An American and his wife are on a trip to australia.

They're driving down the outback when the man sees a person fucking a kangaroo.

"that's disgusting" he says to his wife.

after another couple miles he sees ANOTHER man fucking a kangaroo.

"that's it, we're going to the police."

he drives to the police station where he sees a man without a leg masturbating on the doorstep.

"Officer, at kilometer marker 375 I saw a man fucking a kangaroo, at kilometer marker 462 I saw ANOTHER man fucking a kangaroo, and just now I saw a man masturbating on YOUR DOORSTEP! what kind of a country is this?"

"Struth, mate. You expect a man without a leg to catch his own kangaroo?"

A Limerick

There was a young man from Belgrave,
Who found a dead whore in a cave,
He said "It's disgusting",
But she only needs dusting,
Just think of the money I'll save!

a hobo finds a woman on the ledge of a bridge crossing a deep valley

Hobo: "hey, are you going to jump?"
Woman: "Yes I am going to jump. I can't go on with life"
H: "well, before you do that, don't you want to have sex a last time? like, say, with me?"
W: "ha, definitely not. You'll understand that if I'm about to commit suicide, I'm not really in the mood for sex. Plus, you're ugly and disgusting, so there's no way I will have sex with you"

The hobo sighs, then starts to walk away.

W (shouting at the hobo):"hey! why are you leaving??? aren't you going to try and prevent me from doing this? Tell me that I shouldn't jump?? that suicide isn't a solution? that life is worth living or some shit like that? ANYTHING???"

H: "well, normally I would, but now I gotta hurry so that you're still a bit warm when I reach the foot of the bridge"

Two Italians enter the bus in New York...

Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Italian: " Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella my friend, how to spella Mississippi....."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby in Glasgow.

The bus driver turns to her and says Oi! That there's the ugliest baby I've ever seen, you should be ashamed of yourself, bringing a baby like that out in public. It's disgusting! She rushes to the back of the bus in tears, and a gentleman leans over to her and asks Lassie, why're you crying?
She says Well that bus driver up there just said the most horrible thing to me that anyone's ever said before.
In shock the gentleman exclaims Well you can't just let him get away with that! You've got to get up there and give him a piece of your mind! Here, I'll hold your monkey.

Homeless man and a Suicidal Woman.

A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"

The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years."

The woman replied "No, you're disgusting."

The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?"

The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."

Would you mind....

A man was on a train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha, ha, you'll get fined heavily for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers."

Mario and Luigi

Peach is walking past Mario and Luigi and hears:

"First Emma comes, then I come, then two asses come, then I come a-one more time, the two asses come again, I come a the third time, pee twice, then I come for the last time"

She walks up and slaps him.

"Mario! That's disgusting!"

"What? I teach a Luigi to spell Mississippi!"

I hate people who finds it disgusting when i breastfeed in public ..

It's completely normal and strenghtens the bond between me and my dog.

Zeh Spring.

A French farmer is walking through a field when he sees a couple having sex under a tree. He smiles to himself and says "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". Then he looks closer and sees she is so pallid, and she's not moving, and then he realizes the awful truth -she is dead. So he thinks "zhat is disgusting" and runs down to the village to get help.

He runs into the bar and says "I was up in Martin's field and I saw a couple making love under a tree". The whole bar in unison sways "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". The farmer says, "I thought that too, but the woman, she is dead!" The bar says "that is disgusting, we must get the doctor!".

So they run to the doctor. "Doctor, there is a couple in Martins field having sex under a tree!", and the doctor starts "Ah the Spring.." - "No, no, doctor, we already said that - the woman, she is dead!" The doctor says "sacre bleu!" and runs up to check it out.

Half hour later he saunters in the bar and they ask "so doctor, this couple in Martin's field?" and the doctor says "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". The bar says "but the woman?" and the doctor says "but the woman what?" and the bar says "but the woman, she is dead."

The doctor says "Ah no, she is not dead, she is English".

Students of Pathology NSFW

A professor in pathology is teaching his students what's important to become a good pathologist. In front of the group is a table with on it a dead body.
"First of all," the professor says, "It's important that you do not find anything disgusting."

To illustrate his point, the professors inserts his finger into the dead person's anus and subsequently puts his finger into his mouth. He then tells his students to do the same. Naturally there is some protest, but after a while all the students follow their teacher's example.

When all the students have done this, the professor continues his lesson: "Good. You have all proven that you do not find anything disgusting. Now for the second very important trait for a pathologist: eye to detail.

Did anyone of you notice for example that I put my index finger into the dead person's anus, while it was my ring finger that I licked?"

A maybe original one-liner

"I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work," said the disgusting bartender.

Ladies discussing their sex life...

Ladies discussing their sex life...

Mrs. John- I notice that when I go down on Mr. John and give a blowjob, his balls are always cold.

Mrs. James—Mr. James's balls are cold too, when I give a Blowjob.

Mrs. David (is shocked)-- How can you both do such thing, It is disgusting.

Both explain to Mrs. David that a blowjob is the best way to getting him into buying new Jewelry.

Mrs. David agrees and says-I will try tonight.

Next Day....Both are shocked to see Mrs. David's face bruised and beaten black n blue,

What Happened they asked ??

Mrs. David-- My Husband did this.

Other Two Ladies- But why ??

Mrs David -- I don't know, I was giving him a blowjob and all I said was - Hey your balls are also cold like Mr. John and Mr. James

Put all your disgusting jokes here.

Heres one: Jimmy is playing in his room when a wormhole opens up and Jimmy 30 years from now gets out.

Younger Jimmy says,' Wow! What do I become when I grow up?'

'A pedophile' Older Jimmy says as he locks the door.

If emotional scars were visible...

Porn would be disgusting

My wife and I recently bought a Great Dane, the smell around our house is absolutely disgusting.

Every time he barks I shit myself.

A white man, a Jew, and an African got lost in the desert...

They found a tree that provided some shade and sat underneath it to rest.

All of a sudden, a caterpillar fell from the tree into the white man's lap. "This is disgusting!" Yelled the white man, and threw the caterpillar at the Jew. The Jew, too, was disgusted and threw the caterpillar at the African. The African picked it up, shrugged, and ate it.

A few minutes passed. Another caterpillar fell into the white man's lap. Again, the white man threw the caterpillar at the Jew. This time, the Jew turned to the African and asked, "How about ten dollars for a caterpillar?"

EDITED for grammar

Stop making jokes about how fat and disgusting Amy Schumer is.

You're stealing her material.

What is the difference between a fridge and a kid?
A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.

I asked my wife if I look fat in the clothes I had on.

She said, "YES! You look disgusting and your bulging out of the sides, take off my damn clothes!"

I said, "Now you know what I see every day".

A man brought some cookies to a party...

His friend approached him later during the party. He asked for the recipe to show his wife.

"You see, the secret trick is that I put the dough in my belly button to measure out the perfect size of each cookie," he tells his friend.

"That's absolutely disgusting," says the friend.

He answers, "Oh, you're not going to like the way I make donuts then."

A woman was breastfeeding on the bus today.

A man looked and said "OMG!" That's disgusting!

Looking back on it, that might not have been the best time to masturbate.

A man buys a Christmas tree.

As he goes to pay for the tree, the attendant says, "Are you putting the tree up yourself?"

The man replies, "Quit being disgusting. I'm putting the tree in my living room."

An old ugly wife is looking in the mirror...

Listing all the things wrong with her old flabby hairy body while her husband lays on the bed watching an ocean documentary on TV.

"I'm disgusting, aren't I?"

He doesn't respond.

"Hey! Answer me! I look like a whale, don't I!?"

He responds, "No! Absolutely not, you don't look anything like a whale, my dear..."

Before she could get out an "aww thanks", he says "Have you *seen* how stunningly beautiful those creatures are!?!"

The bus driver goes for a confession.

Bus driver: Forgive me father for I have sinned! I pretended to be Sister Martha so I could trick somebody into having anal intercourse with me...

Father: The lord forgives you my son, for your asshole which was much tighter than Sister Martha's!

**Guys, I'm trying for original content, please forgive me if not very funny! Also, my sense of humor is pretty disgusting ;)

A man was picking out a Christmas tree

A man was picking out a Christmas tree.

When he goes to pay for it, the cashier asks him, "Will you be putting this up yourself?"

The man replies, "Quit being disgusting! I'm putting it in my living room."

My friend asked me if I pee in the shower..

I replied "Yeah, of course. Don't you?"

Then he looks at me with a horrified look on is face and says "That's disgusting, why would you do that?"

So I said "I don't know. These things happen when you're taking a shit."

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!" And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

What's the definition of disgusting?

Shoving 13 oysters up an old woman's pussy and sucking out 14.

Some porn can be really off-putting.

You know, the disgusting 240p stuff.

A woman is looking at herself naked in the mirror

....she rubs her tummy and says to her husband "I feel ugly, fat and disgusting. Pay me a compliment"
Husband says "well, your eyesight is spot on"

I recently bought a Christmas tree at a shop...

The man at the cashier said to me "Are you going to put that up yourself?"

I replied to him in disgust saying "No, that is disgusting! I'm going to put it up in my living room."

What are the funniest disgusting jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Disgusting? Well, here are the best Disgusting puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Disgusting pick up lines to share with friends.

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