Disgusted Jokes

What is the difference between a fridge and a kid?
A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.

A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
 
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

s**... Bank

At a s**... bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk.
"Sir.. this is a s**... bank.." says the lady.
"I know. Get out three bottles of s**..." he commanded.
So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen s**....
"Drink it." says the man.
So she wincingly swallows each gulp until they're all empty. Disgusted she takes a look at the man as he takes off his ski mask and pockets his gun.
"See honey? It's not that hard."

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

A lady and her baby...

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.
As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"
The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."
The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.

The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...

and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

A guy walks into a Bar....

..and walks up to a beautiful woman. He asks her if she would have s**... with him for $10,000. She thinks about and says she would. He then asks her if she would have s**... with him for $100. Disgusted, she declares, What kind of woman do you think I am? He replies, we have already established that, now I'm just negotiating price.

Interesting accents!

3 hefty women walk into a restaurant, and sit down at a table. The server comes to take their drink orders. When they're done ordering he says, "What an interesting accent! Are you broads from Scotland?"
One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, "WALES!"
The bartender says, "Okay, fine. Are you whales from Scotland?"

An American girl goes on vacation to Berlin

While walking through town one night, she sees a drunk guy openly taking a leak up against a wall.
Disgusted, she loudly proclaims, "g**...!"
The man turns with a proud smile on his face and says, "Danke!"

On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding

Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".
A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...
"Maybe I shouldn't have been m**... on a bus..."

A young korean couple are lying in bed...

When the guy starts f**... nonstop.
The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"
"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."
"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."

a stepfather walks in on his stepdaughter

a stepfather walks into his stepdaughter's room, as he walks in he sees his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber, in disgust he leaves her room as fast as possible
he then says,"d**... I was gonna eat that!..................
now it will taste like cucumber"

Yesterday I saw a girl driving next to me while texting on her phone...

I was so disgusted by her irresponsible driving that I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

A plumber rings the doorbell

"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.
"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"
"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"
"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"
"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".

A man and his wife built a boat...

They called it the *Alfred1*, after a friend of theirs. However, it was poorly constructed and sank immediately.
They continued to try to build seaworthy vessels, but the same thing happened over and over. With the *Brian2*, the *Chris3*, and the *Daniel4*.
"We're really not very good at this," the man said in disgust. "How do boats even work?"
"I don't know, but we'll figure it out," replied his wife. "We need an *ELI5*."

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

Is he s**...? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a v**... manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, s**..., and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

Dad, are bugs good to eat..?

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

It's pretty disgusting how celebrity parents name their children after cooked rodent.

Poor Chris Pratt

An Englishman, A Scotsman, and an Irishman are getting drinks, and they each get a fly in their beer.

The Englishman pushes his drink away, disgusted. The Scotsman takes out the fly and drinks his beer. The Irishman picks up the fly and yells to it, "Alright, spit it out!"

Age old debate.

People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

I am disgusted by the youth of today....

Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of a**... I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.

Men want only one thing and it's disgusting....

Women want only 2,337 things and it's exhausting.

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking.

It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...

immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have s**... with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."

I like to sleep completely n**...

I don't know why is it disgusting to some people. Dude, you can just take another bus.

Smoking

I saw a woman smoking with her baby in the car and it made me feel disgusted with the world we live in.
Who lets a woman drive?

Husband doing crossword with wife..

Husband : emphatic no, five letters
 
Wife : never
H : p**..., three letters
 
W : gun
H : disgust, three letters
 
W : ugh
H : charity, four letters
 
W : give
H : female sheep, three letters
 
W : ewe
H : Pixar movie, two letters
 
W : Up

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for l**... the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.
The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.
So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making this noise.
After a few minutes the husband comes home, opens the closet and see a man inside.
He looks at his wife with disgust and back at the man and asks: "what the h**... are you doing in my closet…?"
The carpenter then said "would you believe me if I told you I am waiting for the bus? "

A husband is doing crosswords with his wife.

**Husband:** Emphatic no; five letters.
**Wife:** Never.
**H:** p**...; three letters.
**W:** Gun.
**H:** Disgust; three letters.
**W:** Ugh.
**H:** Charity; four letters.
**W:** Give.
**H:** Female sheep; three letters.
**W:** Ewe.
**H:** Pixar movie; two letters.
**W:** Up.

A vegan said to me : people who sell meat are disgusting

I replied with : people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

A vegan told me people who sold meat were disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

Once, me and my family wanted to bake some marshmallows in the campfire.

We had the poles with marshmallows sticked to them prepared when we heard sirens. We all ran out to see what happened. The neighbours' house was on fire and I saw a lot of firefighters trying to get the fire under control. The neighbours looked at us with pure disgust. That was the moment I realized we were still holding the sticks with marshmallows.

So, a m**... and an Irishman are on a plane

They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.
The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.
Yet the woman wed the second man.
Because no matter how g**... you pictured him to be...
The first man was just a little grocer.

What is two times more disgusting than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple

So I was doing crossword with my girlfriend,

Me: Emphatic no, five letters.
She: **Never**
Me: p**..., 3 letters.
She: **Gun**
Me: Disgust, 3 letters.
She: **Ugh**
Me: Charity, 4 letters.
She: **Give**
Me: Female sheep, 3 letters
She: **Ewe**
Me: Pixar movie, 2 letters
She: **Up**
​

It's disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL c**...! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walks into a bar

… and order a pint each.
A fly lands in the English mans beer and he pushes it away in disgust.
Another fly lands in the Irish mans beer but he drinks the beer with the fly in it.
A third fly lands the the Scots beer. He lifts up the fly in its tiny wings, shakes it, and yells: spit it out! Spit it out your little bastad .

A teenage girl brings home her boyfriend to meet her parents

Her parents are disgusted by the boyfriend's crazy haircut, excessive tattoos and piercings.
After dinner, the girl's mom tells her, "Honey, he doesn't seem to be a nice boy. Are you sure about this?"
"Oh please mom." the girl begged. "If he wasn't a nice person why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."
"Oh, please, mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

An apple and a p**... were floating down the river.

The p**... yells: "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple says: "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"
A little further down the river the p**... yells again, "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple disgustingly replies, "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"
Suddenly a man grabs the apple out the river and takes a bite. The p**... shouts to apple, "See you tomorrow!"

Dirty Pig

Customer is disgusted when she sees a baker crimping a pie with his false teeth.
Have you now got a tool for that job, you filthy pig
Yes, I use that for the doughnuts!!

One day in a busy restaurant, a man began to choke on something he had eaten.

Without hesitation, another man jumped up, ran over, pulled the choking man's pants down, and started eating his a**.... The choking man was so shocked and disgusted that he started to gag, miraculously expelling the blockage. His life saved, he thanked the other man profusely and asked how he had known that his unexpected actions would be effective.
The other man replied, "I thought everyone knew the hind lick maneuver..."

My neighbor got drunk last night and threw up in the elevator.

It was disgusting on so many levels.

"My GF said picking my nose is disgusting", a man told his friend. "So what?" his friend replied.

The guy answered "Now I have to do it myself"