Disease Jokes
186 disease jokes and hilarious disease puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about disease that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover some of the funniest jokes and puns about diseases, illnesses and medical issues! From Mad Cow Disease to Celiac Disease and all those in between, we have them all! Get ready to laugh at these infectious puns!
Quick Jump To
- Short Disease Jokes
- Disease One Liners
- Mad Cow Disease Jokes
- Alzheimer Disease Jokes
- Venereal Disease Jokes
- Celiac Disease Jokes
- More Disease Jokes
Funniest Disease Short Jokes
Short disease jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The disease humour may include short illness jokes also.
- Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
- TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag.
- Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
- How do you make a room full of epileptics go nut? Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights
- Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you. - When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive... It's a good thing my brother told me about it
- My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD. Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.
- My doctor told me I had a very rare disease. "What's it called," I asked? He replied, "What do you want it to be called?"
- A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around? Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
- I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes. The doctor says it's terminal.
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Disease One Liners
Which disease one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with disease? I can suggest the ones about sickness and disorder.
- People say smoking will give you diseases. What they don't know is that it cure salmon.
- Sir, you've got a very rare disease Me: "How rare?"
Doctor: "You pick the name" - Why is menopause called menopause? Because mad cow disease was taken
- Dark humor is like a child with a fatal disease It never gets old
- Which disease is least prevalent in Africa? Obesity
- What do you call a disease with many followers Influenza
- Doctor says alcoholism is a disease... Bartender says get your shots here
- What's the best thing about having alzeimhers disease? You can hide your own easter eggs
- what is the disease that killed princes diana? Car pole tunnel syndrome
- What do you call a cow with parkinson's disease? Beef jerky
- The best thing about Alzheimer's Disease is that you get to meet so many new people.
- Your Momma so fat....... Her flesh eating disease got diabetes.
- What's it called when two strains of a disease are identical? plague-arism
- Which disease hypochondriacs are sure that they don't have? Hypochondria
- Why is diarrhoea, an inherited disease? Because it runs in your jeans!
Mad Cow Disease Jokes
Here is a list of funny mad cow disease jokes and even better mad cow disease puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease? The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I'm a helicopter!
- Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says, Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn't it?
The other responds, Yea it is, thank god I'm a helicopter. - Two cows were talking in a field.. One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".
- 2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?" The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"
- Two cows are grazing in a field... One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"
The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter" - Two cows Two cows were chatting in a field. One says to the other, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?
Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me happy I'm a penguin. - Two cows are standing on a hill.... One turns to the other and says "Hey, aren't you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other replies, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter!" - Why is Pre-Menstrual Syndrome called Pre-Menstrual Syndrome? Mad Cow Disease was already taken
- Two cows are standing in a barn. Cow 1: Hey, did you hear about the big outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter. - A pair of cows... ... were talking in the field. One says, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?
Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
Alzheimer Disease Jokes
Here is a list of funny alzheimer disease jokes and even better alzheimer disease puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the worst disease combination to have? Alzheimer and Diarrhea. You don't know where to run
- An old guy goes to the doctor The doctor examines him and says: "Well my friend, you have cancer and alzheimer's disease.
The old guy says: "Well, at least I don't have cancer." - Yesterday, my grandpa bought a book called "how to prevent Alzheimer's disease" He bought one today, too.
- My grandpa was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.... which is good because he likes to meet new people.
- The doctor says, "I have bad news, You have Cancer, and Alzheimer's Disease." The patient says, "Well at least I don't have Cancer."
- Every time Galndalf sees a Hobbit he calls them Frodo. He doesn't have Alzheimer's disease, he just does it out of force of Hobbit.
- My doctor says I'm not at risk for Alzheimer's disease, so that's good. My doctor says I'm not at risk for Alzheimer's disease, so that's good.
- Bad news A doctor says to his patient: 'I'm afraid I've got bad news for you. You've got cancer and Alzheimer's disease'.
The patient responds: 'Well, at least I don't have cancer'. - I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me
- Two Diseases Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that you have cancer. You also have Alzheimer's disease.
Patient: Well at least I don't have cancer!
Venereal Disease Jokes
Here is a list of funny venereal disease jokes and even better venereal disease puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Venereal diseases are on the rise in the south. Texans are contracting a lot more than just you-all
- I got a venereal disease from a girl in a wheelchair Now I'm handiclapped
- What's the difference between a dwarven packrat and a venereal disease? One is a runt with a cache.
- What's the difference between a smart midget... What's the difference between a smart midget and a woman with a venereal disease?
Well, one's a cunning runt... - What venereal disease did the sneezing pervert get? He came down with sniffphilis.
- What do you call a Russian venereal disease? Rachakakov
- What kind of venereal disease does a Stormtrooper get? An AT-STD.
- What do you call a pokemon with a venereal disease? A PENISSAUR!
- My doctor is trying to convince me I have a venereal disease... But I'm a Chlamydia Change skeptic.
- Important message for the younger crowd Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.
Celiac Disease Jokes
Here is a list of funny celiac disease jokes and even better celiac disease puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do a person with celiac disease and a person teaching French have in common? To them, bread is pain
Credit to my girlfriend - How do Germans with celiac disease greet each other? Gluten Morgen!
- A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread. He was a gluten for punishment.
- Someone with Celiac disease but still eats wheat... Is a gluten for punishment.
- Why did the man with celiac disease eat a loaf of bread?... He was a gluten for punishment
- What's the worst thing a German can say to someone with celiac disease? Gluten tag.
- What does the man with celiac's disease say when he talks about his continued love of bread products? I'm a gluten for punishment.
- TIL people with Celiac Disease have a major evolutionary advantage... They can, quite literally, separate the wheat from the chaff.
- What is a depressed German with Celiac disease unlikely to have tomorrow? A Gluten Morgan
- What does a German parent say to their child with Celiac disease when they tuck them in? Gluten Naught
Hilarious Disease Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about disease you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean medical condition jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make disease pranks.
Mad cow disease
Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.
The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."
The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."
What does a s**... with Parkinson's disease do in the morning?
Shake and bake.
Mad Cow Disease
There are two cows out in the pasture, watching as the farmer takes a prize bull behind the barn to shoot it.
The first cow looks at the second one and says "Can't believe Joe came down with mad cow disease. Are you scared we might get it too?"
The second cow looks at the first cow with a puzzled look and says "Why should I be scared? We're ducks."
Two cows are on a field
one turns to the other and asks " are you worried about mad cow disease" the other says nope. The first cow, was astonished at the ignorance the other cow was showing and barked "WHY?" the second cow slowly turns and shouts "because I am a helicopter"
A man goes to the doctor ...
... and says "Doctor, I'm having a really strange problem. I can't get the song *What's New, p**...* out of my head.
Doctor says, "Well, it sounds like you may have Tom Jones' Disease."
The man opens his eyes wide. "I never heard of that before," he said. "Is it rare?"
Doctor shakes his head. "It's not unusual."
What do you get when you kiss a bird?
Chirpies. It's a Canarial Disease. It's Untweetable!
Why do they call it p**...?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Two cows are out grazing in a pasture.
One turns to the other and says, "Have you heard about this mad cow disease that's going around? Its pretty scary stuff."
The other cow nods and chews its cud thoughtfully. "I suppose it is pretty scary, but it doesn't affect us ducks."
Good news
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
A man and a woman go out to dinner...
This is during the time the Mad Cow disease ravished Britain. A man and a woman are sitting at a table when the waiter approaches them, asking "what would you like for dinner?"
The man replies, I'll have a fat juicy steak, medium rare with all the trimmings. Gravy and roast potatoes please. The waiter asks "what about the mad cow?"
To which the man replies
"Nahh she'll just have fish"
A man goes to the doctor...
... and he says, "Doc, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I can't stop shaking my hips and singing Tom Jones songs."
To which the doctor replies, "Clearly sir, you have Tom Jones' Disease."
The man asks, "Is this common?"
The doctor answers, "It's not unusual."
How can you tell vampirism is a disease?
On account of the coffin.
A guy goes in to see his doctor...
A guy goes in to see his doctor. The doctor evaluates the patient and says "I have bad news - you have Alzheimer's disease and you have cancer". The guys looks back at his doctor and says, "At least I don't have Alzheimer's".
Two cows are standing in a field
...and one says to the other, "Say, are you worried about this mad cow disease going around?" And the other one says, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter! PFFFFFT!"
Horrors of poverty
I've been around, you know. I've seen some of the poorest slums where children are starving and disease is rampant. Let me tell you, you've not seen anything, *anything* like it, until you've seen it in high-definition plasma!
Tom Jones' Disease
A Man goes to the Doctor and lays out his problems. He says whenever he sees a cat he yells "What's New, p**...?"
If he sees a woman while on the street, he exclaims "She's A Lady!" which is really driving his wife crazy.
And speaking of his wife he keeps calling her Delilah, when her name is Susan!
The doctor says "Considering your symptoms, it sounds like you have Tom Jones' Disease"
"Tom Jones' Disease? I've never heard of that! Is it rare?"
"It's not unusual"
A man is waiting in the doctor's office...
When the doctor comes in and says, "There's good news and there's bad news concerning your health. Which would you like to hear first?"
"Give me the good news first." Replies the patient.
"Well, the good news is we're naming a disease after you."
I told my friend, "My dad's a glass half-full kind of guy."
He said, "Oh! He's an optimist?"
"No he has Parkinson's Disease."
A comfortably old joke
A doctor runs a test on an elderly lady in the hospital and comes in to her room to read her the results.
"I have some bad news, and some more bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease"
The woman says "Well at least I don't have cancer."
What do you call an African disease that only affects the math geniuses?
Parabola!
^i'll ^shut ^up^now.
So I just heard there is a disease killing off the Alligator population in Florida.
They all got Gatorades.
Why should you never kiss a s**... bird?
Because you might get chirpies, which is a canararial disease, but don't worry, it's tweetable.
Two cows are talking to each other while grazing....
The first cow says
"Hey I heard there's a case of mad cow disease going around, are you worried?"
The second cow looks at the first and says
"Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."
Guy gets a call from his doctor...
Doc: I have bad news, and I have worse news.
Guy: Wow. Ok, well let's start with the worse news.
Doc: You have cancer and only have about 3 months to live.
Guy (shaken): Ok, what's the bad news?
Doc: You have Alzheimer's Disease.
Guy (waits a beat): Well at least I don't have cancer.
How did the medical community come up with the term "p**..."?
"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
Two cows are standing around talking...
"Hey, have you been following the news? All this mad cow disease going around is scary!"
"Yeah! Thank god we're elephants."
A man gets a call from his doctor
The doctor says "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news"
The man says "Give me the good news first doc"
The doctor replies "Well, they're going to name a disease after you"
A guy walks into the doctors office
the doctor says, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first? The guys says give me the good news. Well, says the doctor, the good news is that they're going to name a new disease after you...
Not only do I have Cancer, MS, Parkinson's Disease, Cystic Fibrosis, and Alzheimer's; I went to the Doctor today and he told me that I have another weird-named disease:
Hypochondria.
Prayers please, every upvote counts as a prayer ^/s
My friend told me he has developed a lung disease...
I told him to explain it to me asbestos he can.
The Bad News...
A man goes to the clinic for an examination. After a thorough check up, the doctor tells him, "I have some good news and some bad news." Curious, the man asks what the good news is, and the doctor replies, "the good news is: we're naming a new disease after you..."
Guy getting test results from his doctor and the doctor says "we have some good news and some bad news"
"The good news is, we're going to name a disease after you"
Two cows in a field. One asks should I be worried about mad cow's disease ?
Well I'm not , the other replies, ...because I'm a squirrel!
Have you heard about the girl with a hereditary disease that gives her diarrhea?
It runs in her jeans.
A lady goes to the doctor...
...when the doctor says, "I have some good news, and some bad news."
So the lady says, "Give me the good news first."
And the doctor replies, "Well, there's going to be a disease named after you..."
D:
What disease do elderly dinosaurs get?
Jurassic Parkinsons
I'm not gonna make fun of my grandfather's driving skills anymore.
Apparently parking zones disease is a real thing.
Texan, Russian and New Yorker walk into a restaurant
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.
The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
A doctor says to his patient, "I have good new and bad news..."
Patient: "I'd like the good news first"
Doctor : "Well, you're going to have a disease named after you..."
"Doctor, Doctor I think I have a disease" said the Lemon
"I'm so sorry to tell you this", replies the doctor, "You've got Lemonaids."
I don't understand why people do all of these marathons for cancer
If I was to do one, I would expect a trophy, not a life threatening disease
People with Parkinson's Disease...
...are really good at making margaritas but terrible at stealing tambourines
2 cows were standing in a field
One cow asks the other "Arent you afraid of getting Mad Cow Disease?"
And the other cow replies "Why should I? Im a helicopter"
My 93-year-old grandma has rheumatoid arthritis and is slow at crosswalks. Yesterday, she got hit by a car.
She's perfectly fine -- she has an auto-immune disease!
Why do they call it p**...?
Because the name "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
My buddy told me this back in 2002 and I've never forgotten this one.
Two cows were grazing in the field, when one of them says to the other, "How about that mad cow disease, huh?"
The second one says, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"
Have you heard the disease you get from kissing birds?
It's called Chirpes.
It's a canerial disease.
It's untweetable.
Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.
Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."
Two cows
Two cows were talking in a field.
"Aren't you worried about this Mad Cow Disease that's going round?"
"No", said the other. "I'm a goat".
"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."
My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've discussed this together."
"My minds made up." I insisted.
"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."
Working for IT is terrible.
You get into a very technical mindset. So much so that everytime you're on a computer you end up with that mindset, therefore saying things differently to the point of other people not understanding.
"Yes" ends up as "Y"
"No" ends up as "N"
"Disease" ends up as "iPhones"
I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...
....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.
Life is...
... A s**... transmitted disease.
2 cows
2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!".
Hey you wanna know why they call it p**...?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I'm sorry you can thank my mom for that joke
An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup
An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. Doctor says, Okay I've got bad news and really bad news. Old man: Well, okay. what's the really bad news? You've got cancer. It's extremely aggressive and I'm giving you two weeks to live. Oh god....what's the bad news? You've got Alzheimer's disease. Oh what a relief! I though you were going to tell me I had cancer!
A guy says, ...
A guy says, "Help me, doctor, I can't stop singing What's new p**...?"
The doctor says, "Oh no, you may have Tom Jones disease."
Guy says, "I've never heard of that. Is it rare?"
The doctor says, "It's not unusual."
Why should you never kiss a canary?
You'll catch chirpies.
It's a canarial disease.
There's no tweetment.
"Your case is quite complicated."
Patient: Why doctor? What happened?
Doc: You have a disease from the chapter I skipped during my studies.
I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.
I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.
A blonde walks into a doctor's office
Blonde: doc! I think I got a skin disease!
She proceeds to poke everywhere and every time she pokes herself she yelps
Doctor: ma'am are you a natural blonde?
Blonde: yes why?
Doctor: your finger's broken.
