Discuss Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb just burned out; this is not the time to discuss it.

Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"


So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.

President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.

Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."

Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.

Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"

Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is

you do not talk about, name, hint at, refer to, discuss, or mention Thesaurus Club.

First Rule of Thesaurus Club:

You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.

What Olympic event that involves throwing should be eliminated?


Wife or Girlfriend

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment." The mathematician: "A wife. You have security." The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

In a restaurant, a boy asks his Dad "are bugs ok to eat?" His Dad says "We don't talk about bugs while we eat. Let's discuss them later". When they are finished and waiting for their check, the Dad asks his son "now what were you asking me about?"

"Oh, nothing, really" the boy replied. There was a bug in your salad, but now it's gone."

Two preists are out for a drive when suddenly...

...they are pulled over by a police officer.

The officer says, "We are looking for two child molesters in the area."

The two priests calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments.

Finally, one of the priests turns to the officer and says, "Okay, we'll do it."

Two men discuss vasectomies...

First: "I'm thinking about getting a vasectomy, but I'm worried about performance..."
Second:" I had one, I was worried at first but after a while I realized there just wasn't a vas deferens"

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."

The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.

The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."

They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."

The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"

A man sees a woman in a bar...

A man sees a woman in a bar and asks, "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

The woman is startled at first, but replies, "My goodness! Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course..."

The man turns away from her and says, "I've changed my mind. Would you sleep with me for five dollars?"

The woman then says, "Of course not! What kind of woman do you think I am?"

The man says, "Madam, we've already established that. Now we're just negotiating.

The Portrait Artist

A rich woman wants to commission a well-renowned artist to paint a portrait of her. She arranges to meet with him to discuss terms.

She tells him, "Price is no object, but I have only one condition. I want you to paint me in the nude."

This takes him a bit by surprise, as he is a married man, "Uh, I apologize ma'am, but I don't think I can agree to that-"

"I'll pay you ten thousand dollars," she interrupts him.

Again he is taken aback and considers, "Well... Let me ask my wife first, and if she consents then we have a deal."

They agree and he goes home. The next day, the artist returns. He gives the lady the verdict, "All right, my wife says it is fine, but you'll have to let me keep my socks on so I have somewhere to wipe my brushes."

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."

The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."

The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

One day a kid is late to class

Kid: Sorry I'm late

Teacher: Go and sit down and you'll spend your break time in here with me

Kid: Thats not fair, I had an issue with my kitchen appliances

Teacher: Is that meant to be some kind of joke, we will discuss this in your time, not mine

*The teacher turns up to the detention 10 minutes late*

Teacher: Sorry I'm late

Kid: Well why were you late?

Teacher: You see, my kitchen appliances came to life and were misbehaving and using racial slurs

Kid: The pot calling the kettle black

Teacher: How did you know?

A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead are all pregnant and waiting for an ultrasound in the doctor's office.

As they are waiting, they begin to discuss what gender they each think their babies are going to be.

Well I know my baby is going to be a girl, said the Brunette. My husband and I were doing it missionary style when she was conceived.

Mine will be a boy! Said the redhead. I was riding on top of him when I got pregnant.

This causes the Blonde to burst hysterically into tears.

What's wrong? The other two asked.

I'm going to have puppies!

The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone. I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too, I hardly use the home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I use the cell phone given to me by my office. I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together look at the maid who is patiently listening to them.

Maid: What? so we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

A small business owner in financial trouble was told by his accountant that he needed to cut staff

The accountant said, "Jack and Susan have the highest salaries, so one of them will have to be laid off."

The owner replied, "Susan is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'll have to think this over, and maybe discuss it with both of them."

The next morning, the owner waited for his employees to arrive. Susan was the first to come in, so he said to her, "Susan, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do."

Susan replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

A man saw this very pretty lady and decided to shoot his shot.

Man: "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?"

Woman: "My goodness, I suppose so, shall we discuss the terms?"

Man: "How about ten dollars?"

Woman: "What kind of woman do you take me for?"

Man: "Ma'am, we've already established that. We are now just haggling about the price."

5 men and 1 woman on a deserted island

Five men and one woman strand on a deserted island after their cruise ship sank. They are the only survivors. They find shelter and enough food and water to sustain them. So now they discuss the matter of sex. They all agree that each man gets his different day of the week to have sex with the woman. And in the weekends the woman is free to choose any or no man.
Now everything is going fine. But after 3 weeks the woman gets ill and eventually dies. The first week, the men are doing fine. The second week, it gets harder. But the third week, it becomes unbearable. That's when they decided to bury the woman.

4 Hour Erections

I walked into a pharmacy, went to the back, and asked the woman at the counter if I could speak to a male pharmacist.

The woman told me that she was the only pharmacist, and that as she and her sister own the business, the were no male employees. She also assured me, however, that she was very professional, and whatever my issue, I could feel confident that I could discuss it with her, without fear of judgement or embarrassment.

Reluctantly, I agreed. I told her that, every day, I get an erection that lasts longer than 4 hours. Not only is it inconvenient, but it is also embarrassing, and I asked what she could give me for it.

The pharmacist thought for a moment, then asked me to wait a minute while she went to check on something.

She came back a few minutes later and said, "I discussed it with my sister, and the best we can do is 1/3rd of the business, a king sized bed, and $3000/month in living expenses!"

Golf Match.

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

Donald Trump Tragedy

Donald Trump visited an elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident".

Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"

A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car."

Donald Trump says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?"

A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff."

Donald Trump says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says and says, "If you were on a plane and it blew up."

Then Donald Trump says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?"

Little Johnny says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."

One night at a pub . . .

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

Convert Today! Earn $5000.

(More Jewish inspired jokes)

These two rabbis are walking down the street. As they're walking, they pass a church with a large banner hanging above them that says across it:


The rabbis are perplexed by this. There is no way that this could be the real deal. They discuss and discuss some more. One rabbi finally decides he's going in and getting to the bottom of it.

A lot of time passes. The rabbi outside is starting to get worried. More time passes. The rabbi becomes more and more worried. Is it possible they're keeping him prisoner? Has he been killed? Or worse, are they force feeding him communion wafers??

The other rabbi finally comes outside. He seems altogether content with himself, and looks completely unharmed.

The rabbi that has waited so long is comforted by this, calms down, and asks the other rabbi, "So. Did you get the money?"

The other rabbi turns to him and says:

"Heh! You Jews and your money."

Man dies on a building site

The other builders gather around and discuss who should be the one to go and break it John's (dead guy) wife.

One volunteers, saying he is "good with this sensitive stuff".

A short while later he returns with 2 crates of beer.

"Where'd you get them", asks one of the builders.

"John's wife gave me them".

"You what, you go around there and tell her John's dead and she gives you beer?"

"Not exactly, I knocked the door and when she answered I said ' Hi, you must be John's widow'. 'No I am not' she told me, and I said, "I'll bet you a couple crates of beer you are".

Guy gets a call from his doctor.

"Your blood test results are in... I'm sorry to tell you that you have contracted leprosy," says the doctor.

"What? How?" Guy exclaims.

"Can't be sure, but we need to discuss treatment options. There is a cure, but it is extremely expensive."

"What choice do I have, doc?" Guy laments. "How much will it cost?"

"An arm and a leg."

President Obama has a meeting with the President of China to discuss debt...

President Obama has a meeting with Xi Jinping to discuss the debt the US owes to China. He arrives at the Chinese presidential mansion with Joe Biden, but they find there is work going on in the garden and lots of mud everywhere. So they have to roll up their trouser legs and step carefully to enter.

They sit down to wait for President Xi, but Biden notices they still have their trousers rolled up. So he whispers: "Mr. President, take down your trousers."

Obama looks horrified. "We owe him THAT MUCH!!!"

Two hunters are lost in woods.

After spending several hours wandering through the woods, Bob and Jim are thoroughly lost. Disorientated, they sit down to discuss what to do next. "Hey, I have an idea," says Bob. "If we each fire three shots into the air, someone will hear them and come to help us."

Jim agrees, so each of them fires their shots. An hour later, nobody has come to help, so they decide to fire three more shots. Another hour passes - still no one.

"Okay lets try this one more time" says Bob.

"Dude, this had better work," replies Jim. "These are our last arrows".

A grade school teacher was asking students...

...what their parents did for a living.

Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"

Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"

Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a professional con artist!"

The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation.

Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid?"

A girl and her boyfriend go to the hospital...

The girl goes in to the hospital to donate plasma. The boyfriend goes in to donate sperm.

Once they're finished, they get back together and discuss their profits. The girl says, "I got $30 to donate some plasma." The boyfriend then says to her, "I got $125 to donate sperm." Enraged, the girl says, "That is so unfair!"

Two days later the girl returns to the hospital and the doctor asks, "Ah, you again, are you here to donate plasma?" With her mouth full girl shakes her head and says "Mm-mm."

you'd think a discussion about water would be boring

but it's never a dry subject

During his annual checkup, a man tells his doctor he is thinking about getting a vasectomy

The doctor tells him that it's a very important decision and asks if he has had a chance to discuss it with his family. The man says,"Yeah, and they are in favor of it 15 to 7."

Never discuss π with a mathematician...

You'll never hear the end of it!

The first Jewish president

On his first day in office, he calls his mother.

"Mom, you really have to come out to DC and check out the white house, it is amazing. Rachel and I would love to have you over.

" Out there, with all the goyim? Its too busy for me."

"How's about a weekend at camp david. Its really nice and quiet, and its got a nice Jewish name."

"Alright, I got to go, but I'll discuss with your father." She hangs up with her son and the ladies at her bridge table ask, "so who was that?"

"Oh it was my son" the ladies with excitement squeal "The doctor?"

"No," she sighs. "The other one."

My friend got mauled by a bear....

but i'm not gonna discuss the Grizzly details......

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is...

You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

I have been meaning to discuss erectile dysfunction with my wife.

But it hasn't come up yet.

Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.

In the end you ignore everything and click on "accept".

There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby...

... so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

Rabbi's wang-bang

The Rabbi and his wife were expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the congregation, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God,' but when we get too much we wear rubbers!"

Antonin Scalia requested cremation in his will, but millions of women will meet tomorrow to discuss if that's really best for his body.

Millions of women will meet tomorrow to discuss if that's really best for his body.

The German Dream

A student was listening to his teacher while they prepare to discuss about "The American Dream", the teacher was going around the classroom asking what everyone thought it meant, then the teacher asked the exchange student if they had their own version of "The American Dream" on their country. The German exchange student replied "We did before, but the world didn't like it."

The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss ....

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone

Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together looked at the maid who's patiently listening to them.

Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal??

How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question. = I have 18 questions.

I'll look into it. = I've already forgotten about it.

I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further. = Don't ask me about this again.

No worries. = You really messed up this time.

Take care. = This is the last you'll ever hear from me.

Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

Rule number 1 of the thesaurus club:

Never discuss, mention, speak of, or talk about Thesaurus Club.

(Ukrainian joke). Leaders of three countries discuss their economies and taxes.

US President says: we tax our people at roughly 30%, and what they do with the rest, is not of my business
UK prime minister says: we tax our people at 50%, and what they do with the rest is none of my business.
Ukrainian president says: we tax our people at 130%, and where they get the rest, is none of my business

This is a joke from the 1990s.

Discussing Funerals

Three men are sitting around drinking coffee when a pastor comes up to them. "Men, I want you to think about when your life ends. What would you people to say about you at your funeral?"

The first man thinks a bit and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good family man. That I provided for my wife and children."

The second man thinks and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good Christian. That I read the scripture and lived for the Lord."

The third man says, "I hope they say 'Look! He's moving!!'"

An elderly Jewish woman

wins the lottery, $30 million after taxes. She goes to her Rabbi to discuss what to do with the money.

She first says, "I'd like to spend $10 million on myself and my family."

The Rabbi replies, "It would be good to enjoy your winnings, and family is important."

She then says she'd like to donate another $10 million to the synagogue and the charity they run, since the synagogue has always been there for her, she'd like to give back.

The Rabbi says they could always use the money.

Then she says "I'd like to spend the last $10 million on a ten-foot golden statue of Adolf Hitler."

Naturally the Rabbi is quite horrified. "Why would you want to memorialize such a monster?" he cries.

She rolls up her sleeve and responds, "He gave me the winning numbers."

Four old friends meet in a pub and discuss how successful their sons are

The first guy says - My son is so successful, he recently got one of his friends a Yacht as a present.

The second guy says - My son is much more successful, he recently got one of his friends a brand new Ferrari.

The third guy says - That's nothing, my son recently got his friend a helicopter as a present.

During all of this, the fourth friend was in the toilet, and when he comes back, the rest of the guys ask him - "What about your son?"

He says - Oh, my son is a male prostitute, and he recently got a Yacht, a brand new Ferrari and a Helicopter from his clients!

A 10-year-old boy and his mother. (With apologies to Abe Hirschfeld)

A ten-year-old boy goes up to his mother one day and asks her "Mother, how old are you?" and she responds "It's not polite to ask a woman her age." The next day he goes up to her again and asks "Mother, how much do you weigh", and she responds "It's not polite to ask a woman her weight." Then the next day he asks her again, "Mother, why are you divorced?" and she says "Son, you're too young. When we're older, we'll discuss it.

The next day, the boy approaches his mother again, and this time tells her, "Mother, I've found your driver's license, and it gives me all the answers. It says that you're 35 years old, you weigh 190 pounds, and in sex, you got an F!"

A man and a woman get married and the woman gets pregnant...

A man and a woman get married and the woman gets pregnant with twin boys. She and her husband discuss the children on end, and they come to the decision that they would not be able to support them once they were born, so they put them up for adoption. One son gets sent to Mexico, the other to the Middle East, and while they would have loved to keep in contact with their sons, laws kept them from doing so. All they were allowed to know was that one boy was named Jamal, the other Juan.

So, the couple live out their lives, until one day, a letter comes in the mail from one of their sons. Juan has sent them a letter after tracking down his birth parents, and also included a photo of himself for the two to see. While the parents are delighted to have heard from one of their sons, the mother cant help but feel disappointed at the lack of a letter from the other, stating that she wishes she could have seen a photo of him as well, to which her husband replies, "honey, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal."

3 surgeons discuss who is the best surgeon of them.

Says the one: "I am the best surgeon of Texas! A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them on and tomorrow he gives a private concert for the queen."

Says the second: "This is nothing! A young man lost both his arms and his legs in an accident. I stitched them back on and two years later he won the gold medal in the olympic games!"

Says the 3rd: "Amateurs! A few years ago a cowboy rode stoned and drunk in front of a train. All that remained were his buttcheeks and the blonde mane of his horse. I did the surgery on him and today he is the president of the United States."

Too many Daves

a mother went into the Centrelink (welfare) office to discuss receiving benefits. during the interview she was asked about her children.
interviewer: how many children do you have?
mother: 7, all boys
interviewer: wow, thats alot. what are their names?
mother: well they are all named Dave
interviewer: all of them? what do you do to call them for dinner? or to get them to school?
mother: well I just call out "Dave, it's time for dinner" and they all come running, same for school, "Dave! time for school" and they all get ready and go.
interviewer: well that does make it easier. what do you do if you just want a certain one of them?
mother: easy, I just use their last name.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

A priest was going to meet a parishioner for lunch

As he was getting ready to leave, he noticed he had forgotten to put on his white priest's collar. He looked and looked, but alas, couldn't find one. He asked another priest, "Do you have a collar I can borrow? One of the parishioners asked me if I could meet up for lunch to discuss some problems."

The other priest says, "Sure, no problem. Happens to everyone - a lay date and a collar short."

Adam's discussion with God

So Adam is walking around the Garden of Eden and he calls out to God that he's kinda bored and lonely. He asks God if he can create someone who is kind and admires and serves him(Adam) in every way. God responds He can, but it's going to cost an arm and a leg, so Adam asks what he can get for a rib.

What are the funniest discuss jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Discuss? Well, here are the best Discuss puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Discuss pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes