Discussing Jokes
115 discussing jokes and hilarious discussing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about discussing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Discussing Short Jokes
Short discussing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The discussing humour may include short discussed jokes also.
- Let's discuss who the most hated world leader is as of now I think Putin just Trump-ed all of his competitors
- My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother.. We couldn't come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.
- How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? The lightbulb just burned out; this is not the time to discuss it.
- A friend and I were discussing a TV show and they said that the 32nd episode is undoubtedly the greatest. Upon rewatching the episode I was shocked to find it was 30 minutes long.
- My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals... and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."
- The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night. So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
(I'll see myself out.) - A blonde and a brunette are discussing the previous night out... The brunette says, "Last night I slept with a Brazilian."
"Oh my god!" the blonde replies. "How many is THAT?" - Two men are discussing how they'll reach a lightbulb that needs to be changed. Man 1: would you like the ladder or the step stool?
Man 2: I prefer the ladder.
Man 1: ok, step stool it is. - Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?" And we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol.
- The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you do not talk about, name, hint at, refer to, discuss, or mention Thesaurus Club.
Share These Discussing Jokes With Friends
Discussing One Liners
Which discussing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with discussing? I can suggest the ones about arguing and negotiating.
- I hate people who talk behind my back. They discussed me.
- What Olympic event that involves throwing should be eliminated? Discuss
- What's a Philosophers favourite sport? Discuss
- I hate friends who talk about me behind my back. They discussed me.
- Whenever I catch someone talking about me behind my back I tell them you discussed me
- A lesbian couple discussed what they should go eat. They died of starvation.
- you'd think a discussion about water would be boring but it's never a dry subject
- Never discuss π with a mathematician... You'll never hear the end of it!
- My friend got mauled by a bear.... but i'm not gonna discuss the Grizzly details......
- A priest, a vicar and a rabbi are having a discussion about miracles...
- To the two people talking behind my back... You discussed me
- I hate people that talk about me behind my back. They discussed me.
- I hate comments They discuss me
- What do you call a lively debate between frogs? A ribbitting discussion!
- If the US would switch from inches to meters We'd have a lengthy discussion
Witty Discussing Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about discussing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean chatting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make discussing pranks.
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent e**.... It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
Two rapists
Two guys are driving a car when they are stopped by the police. The guy opens his window and asks what's going on. The police: "We are looking for two rapists." The guy closes his window and the police sees the two guys discussing and making gestures. Finally the guy opens his window again: "Okay, we're in."
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.
"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"
Brazillian
So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is r**... on.
President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.
Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."
Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and b**... his hands on the desk in the office.
Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"
Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"
A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his s**... life...
Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage.
"Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, s**... and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance."
The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist.
"How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table."
"So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can't eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."
Three engineering students.
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Some men are discussing the meaning of life...
Some men are sitting around discussing the meaning of life.
One turns and asks the others, "If tomorrow all your loved ones found themselves at a f**..., gathered around your casket, what would you want to hear them say?"
One starts off saying, "I hope they would say I was a good father and husband".
The next says "I want them to say I was not only successful, but a kind and generous man too".
"I'd want them to say", says the last man, "Hey look, he's moving!"
A Sunday School Teacher . . .
A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "Honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
When life starts
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
Fish out of water.
I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.
I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".
She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."
So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"
She replied, "No, he's dead."
Insurance
A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance.
"You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer.
"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer,
"but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"
Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.
The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."
All the letters were having a discussion.
Suddenly they discovered letter T is absent. They called him up and T said, "wait I'm in the middle of something."
(Might be a s**... joke but I made it myself, hence posting)
Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...
... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.
The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."
The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.
The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."
They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."
The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"
Three men compare how they control their wives...
Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you p**...!' "
Two men discuss vasectomies...
First: "I'm thinking about getting a vasectomy, but I'm worried about performance..."
Second:" I had one, I was worried at first but after a while I realized there just wasn't a vas deferens"
Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.
Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a s**.... He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into the states to play for his team.
After a very successful rookie season the young man was discussing his rookie of the year award via telephone with his mother.
She told him that she was proud but living in fear constantly. She continued " your brother was shot twice just in the last few weeks and your sister is regularly the victim of assault. Matters have escalated and life is worse than it has ever been. I will never, ever forgive you for bringing us to Philly."
Two preists are out for a drive when suddenly...
...they are pulled over by a police officer.
The officer says, "We are looking for two child molesters in the area."
The two priests calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments.
Finally, one of the priests turns to the officer and says, "Okay, we'll do it."
Three women sat discussing their husbands and their s**... lives.
"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."
"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."
"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."
A boy offers a girl $100 in exchange for s**...
"Sure, why not" replies the girl.
"And what about $10?" the boy asks.
"Are you crazy? What do you think I am?"
"I already know what you are, now we're just discussing the price."
Three Doctors
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They're gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''
Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS
Obama: We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.
General: You are forgetting something important sir.
Obama: No I am not.
General: Tanks, Obama.
Password security questions for the depressed
What is the name of your least favorite child?
In what year did you abandon your dreams?
What is the maiden name of your father's mistress?
At what age did your childhood pet run away?
What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?
In what city did you first experience ennui?
What is your ex-wife's newest last name?
What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?
What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?
What was the middle name of your first rebound?
On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?
When did you stop trying?
How do you feel about s**...?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about s**...?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
First Rule of Thesaurus Club:
You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.
Mom finds a large number of b**... magazines beneath her sons bed.
Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"
Two terrorists in a bar
Two terrorists discussing in a bar. The waiter finds their behavior suspicious so he comes to their table and asks: "What are you talking about?"
t**...: "We are planning to kill five hundered people and a goat."
Waiter: "Why a goat?"
The first t**... says to the other: "See? I told you nobody will care about five hundered people."
Wife or Girlfriend
A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment." The mathematician: "A wife. You have security." The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."
Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.
All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.
Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"
Putin laughs and tell them "s**... globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."
Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil h**...! We need fuel!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.
They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
United States
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
Mexican self defense
A Mexican passed a Japanese man and a Korean man as they were discussing their favorite type of martial arts.
Japanese man: I practice karate, the defense arts.
Korean man: I practice Taekwondo, teaches defense and attack.
At this point the men notice the Mexican and ask him what he practices
Mexican: Judono
Men: We have heard of Judo but not Judono, what is it?
Mexican: Well, judono if I got a gun, judono if I got a knife...
In a restaurant, a boy asks his Dad "are bugs ok to eat?" His Dad says "We don't talk about bugs while we eat. Let's discuss them later". When they are finished and waiting for their check, the Dad asks his son "now what were you asking me about?"
"Oh, nothing, really" the boy replied. There was a bug in your salad, but now it's gone."
Two women are discussing their love lives
Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."
Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."
"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."
Premarital s**...
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s**..., marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.
The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."
The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."
The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."
p**... Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are
p**... Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says p**... Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, p**... Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".
Women are discussing their s**... life.
- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.
An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's
American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".
Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".
I'm starting a club that discusses the good and bad parts of poetry in prison.
It's called "Prose and Cons"
If you snort coke, you get high. If you snort flour...
..you get baked.
...frighteningly, my 5th grader came up with this while we were having a discussion about drugs and what he might end up seeing in Middle School next year.
What do you call a head injury at a drummer's convention in Moscow, Russia?
A concussion at the Russian percussion discussion.
An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves
On one hand, they are good for cold weather.
On the other, they don't really help.
A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer were discussing God.
The mechanical engineer said, God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it's designed.
The electrical engineer said, No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.
The civil engineer said, God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?
Four surgeons
Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the a**... and head are interchangeable."
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
A couple of italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
Poor planning?
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world
The first man says The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head
The second man says The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly
The third man thinks for a second and says you are both wrong... it's actually Diarrhoea
Confused, The two friends as him how could diarrhoea be the fastest thing in the world?
The third man replies well, the other day when I woke up, before I could even think or turn on the light, it was already too late!
Who designed the human body?
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!"
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through the recreational area?"
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the f**... home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a p**... of chili, so he can tear my a**... up just one more time."
A joke I came up with in my sleep today
A guy goes to see his doctor and after discussing the problem, the doctor hands him his prescription.
Guy: "Wow, this is the most legible prescription I've ever seen, doc!"
Doctor: "Mfhm sremn emsfn."
So I did some research...
and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...
Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.
A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.
They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.
EDIT; Thank you for all the awards, I guess I pasta test!
2 men discussing why they joined the army....
"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.
The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."
Four Surgeons are getting coffee
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".
"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their a**... are interchangeable."
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician's waiting room discussing their pregnancies.
The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!
The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the m**... when she got pregnant!
All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Between sobs the brunette & red head finally got her to tell them why she became so upset. She told them she believes she's going to have puppies!!!!!
A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren't sick.
He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.
Wow said someone in the back. Imagine the score he could've gotten if he wasn't sick
I went to the doctor to get a vasectomy.
The doctor said, "This a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your wife and kids?
I said, "Yes, they're in favor 14 to 3.."
three men were sitting in a prison in moscow
they discuss why they were arrested
the first one says I showed up ten minutes late to work and was arrested for sabotage
the second one says I showed up five minutes early to work and was arrested for espionage
the third one says I showed up to work on time and was arrested for owning a western watch
While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.
Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."
Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."
Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."
My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he's going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.
I told him my door is always open.
The phone bill was exceptionally high...
.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.
Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.
Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??
My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.
I went to visit him for the first time. As we're discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.
As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to straighten him up again.
As she walked away, I asked:
Me: So gramps, how do you like living here so far?
A tear starts running down his face as he gets this wistful look in his eyes.
Grandpa: it's not too bad. I just wish they would let me f**....
In Gulag
Inmates discussing what they were sent to Gulag for.
"I was always 5 minutes late, so they sent me here for sabotage. You?"
"I was always 5 minutes early, so they sent me here for espionage. How about you, comrade?"
"I was always on time, so they sent me here for harming Soviet economy by buying watch in capitalist country"
Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…
The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.
After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…
A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…
Groaned a whole store with this one.
I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked:
"I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!"
To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation."
The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.
