The Best 74 Discount Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Discount jokes. There are some discount cheap jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these discount voucher puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Discount Jokes and Puns

I found a doctor who would give me a discount on my son's circumcision.

It was a ripoff.

I found a discount code hidden in the pages of my economics textbook

Now that's a marginal benefit

A little girl runs up behind us (this really happened)...

...while my GF and I were shopping at Target. The girl was maybe 5 and running from her mom. I made the comment, "Look Honey, a free daughter!" GF's reply was "Raising a child is not free." To which I replied, "Yes, but in this case you get a discount on the labor!"

Discount joke, A little girl runs up behind us (this really happened)...

A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."

Use 'discount' in a sentence.

Teacher: Johnny, please use "discount" in a sentence.

Johnny: Yes ma'am, "Does discount as a sentence?"

What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop?

Now is the winter of our discount tents

Did you hear about the discount rabbi for circumcisions?

He'll take up to 10% off.

Discount joke, Did you hear about the discount rabbi for circumcisions?

If you're a registered sex offender,

do you get a discount?

I came up with this one during my haircut.

Barber: Sir, you are losing hair, your hair is thinning.
/*I sensed that im about to get some treatment suggestion*/
Me: So, are you planning for any discount on final bill?

She chuckled.

There must be a special discount store for plumbers...

There pants are always 50% off

I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web...

Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!

You can explore discount buy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean discount liquidate dad jokes. There are also discount puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Why do Spanish men get half price movie tickets?

They take the seΓ±or discount.

What's ISIS' favorite kind of discount?


i heard they were giving away batteries down the local discount store

turns out they were free of charge.

Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community:

Shop till you drop!

What do you call a discount sauna?

A steam sale

Discount joke, What do you call a discount sauna?

Hot Topic was having a huge sale

Everyone panicked at the discount.

Asked my friend who works at the tampon store if he could get me a discount

He said he'd pull some strings.

Discount Air Rides

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'

The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....?

Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.

What is everyone using to scrape ice off their windscreen?

This morning I used a discount card from my wallet, but it was no good. I only got 20% off.....!!

I need some advice

What has everyone been using to get ice of their cars in the morning? I've been using a discount card, but I can only ever get 20% off

My heart is like an onion...

I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again

I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision…

…it was a total rip-off!

What does an Alabama prostitute give her family?

A discount!

What's the best part of a redneck brothel?

The family discount

What did Shakespeare say when Black Friday was over?

Now is the winter of our discount.

Almost all the girls I check out give me their number...

To get the discount for their groceries of course

Wow! I can't believe it's been almost a year since Harambe died. For the anniversary of his death, Cincinnati Zoo should have a sale.

Discount for Harambe

[NSFW] A female prostitute gives a southern man the time of his life...

When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"

The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."

The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."

The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...

"Not for you, baby... Family Discount."

The best thing about my favorite prostitute

is the family discount.

What do you call a discount for mustard?

A poupon coupon

Happy Valentine's Day

Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.

The iPhone is on a permanent discount for 60% off!

Instead of an Apple logo they put a Samsung logo on the back.

A new thrift store just opened up in my town, and all proceeds go to Parkinson's research...

you get a 10% discount if you do the secret hand shake.

There's a new $300 discount on the new iPhone X

But instead of Apple it says Samsung on the back.

Two men are sitting in a bar... of them is drinking quite heavily.

The other asks, What's the problem friend?

The drunk replies, I just found out my mother is a prostitute.

The other stands up, retorting, What?! I need to find that woman and talk to her!

The drunk responds, Sit down, it's not worth it. She doesn't even offer a 'family and friends' discount.

A man's favorite discount

Bra 100% off

By far the best black friday deal of 2017...

My bank account, with a 100% balance discount.

I used a store discount card to scrape the ice off my windshield.

I only managed to get 20% off.

Why are fat hookers cheap?

It's a bulk discount.

I was told to scrape the ice off my windshield with my supermarket discount card..

..I tried but it only took off 10%.

What do you call a member of a royal court who you can hire for cheap to represent you in a rap-battle?

A dis-count.

Why does Jesus shop at the discount store?

Because Jesus saves

(NSFW) What do you call a discount circumcision?

A Rip-off...

TJ Miller should change his name... TJ Maxx: A disorganized mess of stuff that can now be had at a severe discount to it's previous value.

What do you call someone who thinks they deserve a senior discount?

A white hair supremacist.

What's a prostitutes' catchphrase when she's offering a discount?

Get more bang for your buck.

What is the worst thing to get a 100% discount on?

A test

What do you call it when an inbred hick steals

...a six finger discount.

Did you hear there's a 50% discount at the crematorium this week?

They're having a fire sale.

A man goes to the doctor's office and receives a bill of $15,000.

Man: C'mon doc. You could've gave me a discount since were colleagues.

Doctor: Wait, you're a doctor too?

Man: No. I'm a thief just like you.


You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…

Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I'm expecting a serious discount on that car !!!!

I want to open up a discount book store

I'll call it Food 4 Thought 4 Less

I saw a vampire for sale at half price in the shop

It was a dis-count Dracula

Worst name for a discount fast food chain?

Taco Liquidators.

An anti-vax mom is at a cashier

"you should give me a discount! It's my son's 3rd birthday", She says

The cashier then replied "in that case, I'll apply the senior discount"

There was a huge discount on a local shop at my town. 99% off on everything! Apparently no one came.

I guess no one likes coffins.

I went to a discount theater performance...

Shakespeare in the parking lot.

When they didn't accept my discount, I gave my local tanning salon a low rating...

It seemed a little shady to me.

What do you call a Skyrim warrior with well endowed chest playing the lute and selling luxury merchandise at a discount?

Nord-strum Rack.

At our tattoo studio, women can flash their boobs to get a discount

The business model we operate on is "tit for tat".

It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen

Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.

Why is Only Fans so cheap in Alabama?

Family discount.

Why didn't Anakin get a discount ?

Because he didn't have his master card

I bought my wife a wig from the discount store.

Wasn't going toupee full price.

Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen?

I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!

Any tips on removing ice from my windshield?

I tried an old discount card, only got 20% off.

I tried to make a joke about shopping

Does discount ?

Help, how do I get the frost off my windshield?

I used my discount card but could only get 20% off.

So there's this witch that owns a motel and she'll give you a discount room if you consent to her experimenting on you...

The sign outside says, Come on in and rest for a spell .

At the checkout counter, I asked the cashier, "Ma'am, this has today's date. Can I get a discount?"

"Oh come on, do you want to buy the newspaper or not?"

I hate winter…

I hate the snow, the ice, the cold. In these times I think of the 4-man tent I bought on sale sometime around 1995. It's a basic tent, and it was a great value when I got it. It's hardly used now and just sits in my garage. I get such Winter Blues that I think about setting the tent up in the back yard, even though I've never gone through with that.

But alas I wonder, is this the Winter of my discount tent?

A guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says " May I just say one word?"

"Sure" she replies.


The widow says "Thank you. That means a great deal."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the discount bogo jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working discount payment piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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