Discount Jokes
95 discount jokes and hilarious discount puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about discount that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A funny look at discounts through jokes and stories. From senior discounts to the 5 finger discount, these jokes will have you laughing while discovering how other people view discounts and promo codes. Find out why some shoppers are keepers when it comes to buying discounted products.
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Funniest Discount Short Jokes
Short discount jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The discount humour may include short price jokes also.
- It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.
- In America, "five finger discount" means you're shoplifting In Saudi Arabia, "five finger discount" means you got caught shoplifting.
- Apparently people are getting paid now to mention products in their social media posts That's as crazy as the discounts at Dave's furniture Emporium.
- Use 'discount' in a sentence. Teacher: Johnny, please use "discount" in a sentence.
Johnny: Yes ma'am, "Does discount as a sentence?"
- On the anniversary of Harambe's death... the Cincinnati Zoo should have special deals all day. Discounts for Harambe.
- Any tips on removing ice from my windshield? I tried an old discount card, only got 20% off.
- You should never remove ice from your windshield with a discount card It only takes off 20%
- I heard people are getting paid to mention companies and do product placement in their Reddit posts! That's almost as crazy as the discounts at Jez's Furniture Emporium. Sale this weekend
- i heard they were giving away batteries down the local discount store turns out they were free of charge.
- If I go on a discount fishing trip and I lose the worm off the hook of my fishing line... Am I entitled to a rebait?
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Discount One Liners
Which discount one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with discount? I can suggest the ones about cheap and deal.
- Why do children in China all have iPhones and wear Nike? Employee discounts
- Why is Only Fans so cheap in Alabama? Family discount.
- What do you call a discount sauna? A steam sale
- I tried to make a joke about shopping Does discount ?
- Why are discount cards so bad at scraping ice off a car? Because you only get 10% off
- I got a 'Pirate's Discount' at the piercing shop. Only a buccaneer!
- Why didn't Anakin get a discount ? Because he didn't have his master card
- Senior discounts are kind of like early going away presents
- A man's favorite discount Bra 100% off
- I bought my wife a wig from the discount store. Wasn't going toupee full price.
- Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community: Shop till you drop!
- Why did the Blonde bring a ladder to the store? Because it said "High Discounts".
- I found a doctor who would give me a discount on my son's circumcision. It was a ripoff.
- There must be a special discount store for plumbers... There pants are always 50% off
- Did you hear about the discount rabbi for circumcisions? He'll take up to 10% off.
Senior Discount Jokes
Here is a list of funny senior discount jokes and even better senior discount puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An anti-vax mom is at a cashier "you should give me a discount! It's my son's 3rd birthday", She says
The cashier then replied "in that case, I'll apply the senior discount" - I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"
Discount Coupons Jokes
Here is a list of funny discount coupons jokes and even better discount coupons puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a discount for mustard? A poupon coupon
- What do you call a coupon at Taco Bell? A Senor Discount
- In Iraq are Kraft Foods discount coupons known as Kraft Dinar?
Discount Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about discount you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean debit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make discount pranks.
I found a discount code hidden in the pages of my economics textbook
Now that's a marginal benefit
A little girl runs up behind us (this really happened)...
...while my GF and I were shopping at Target. The girl was maybe 5 and running from her mom. I made the comment, "Look Honey, a free daughter!" GF's reply was "Raising a child is not free." To which I replied, "Yes, but in this case you get a discount on the labor!"
What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop?
Now is the winter of our discount tents
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you're a registered s**... offender,
do you get a discount?
I came up with this one during my haircut.
Barber: Sir, you are losing hair, your hair is thinning.
/*I sensed that im about to get some treatment suggestion*/
Me: So, are you planning for any discount on final bill?
She chuckled.
One of my favorites from Fallout 3:
I once visited a crematorium that gave discounts to burn victims.
I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web...
Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Spanish men get half price movie tickets?
They take the señor discount.
I've decided to get help with my drug habit.
I've managed to convince some friends to give me bulk discounts.
Today was the happiest and saddest day in my life
The extra small condoms are discounted.
Hot Topic was having a huge sale
Everyone panicked at the discount.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Asked my friend who works at the t**... store if he could get me a discount
He said he'd pull some strings.
Discount Air Rides
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On h**...'s birthday my company is discounting everything...
Everything will be nein percent off.
My mother actually came up with this..not sure if I should be concerned.
Did you hear about the discounts at Darth Maul?
I heard they're going to cut the sales by half
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount o**... transplant again
I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision…
…it was a total rip-off!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does an Alabama p**... give her family?
A discount!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the best part of a r**... brothel?
The family discount
What did Shakespeare say when Black Friday was over?
Now is the winter of our discount.
Almost all the girls I check out give me their number...
To get the discount for their groceries of course
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The best thing about my favorite p**...
is the family discount.
Happy Valentine's Day
Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.
The iPhone is on a permanent discount for 60% off!
Instead of an Apple logo they put a Samsung logo on the back.
A new thrift store just opened up in my town, and all proceeds go to Parkinson's research...
you get a 10% discount if you do the secret hand shake.
There's a new $300 discount on the new iPhone X
But instead of Apple it says Samsung on the back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are sitting in a bar...
...one of them is drinking quite heavily.
The other asks, What's the problem friend?
The drunk replies, I just found out my mother is a p**....
The other stands up, retorting, What?! I need to find that woman and talk to her!
The drunk responds, Sit down, it's not worth it. She doesn't even offer a 'family and friends' discount.
By far the best black friday deal of 2017...
My bank account, with a 100% balance discount.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are fat h**... cheap?
It's a bulk discount.
What do you call a member of a royal court who you can hire for cheap to represent you in a rap-battle?
A dis-count.
Why does Jesus shop at the discount store?
Because Jesus saves
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I only go to brothels when they have discounts
I like getting more bang for my buck
TJ Miller should change his name...
...to TJ Maxx: A disorganized mess of stuff that can now be had at a severe discount to it's previous value.
Does anyone know of any crematoriums...
that give discounts for burn victims?
What is the worst thing to get a 100% discount on?
A test
Did you hear there's a 50% discount at the crematorium this week?
They're having a fire sale.
A man goes to the doctor's office and receives a bill of $15,000.
Man: C'mon doc. You could've gave me a discount since were colleagues.
Doctor: Wait, you're a doctor too?
Man: No. I'm a thief just like you.
Reality
You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…
Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I'm expecting a serious discount on that car !!!!
I want to open up a discount book store
I'll call it Food 4 Thought 4 Less
I saw a vampire for sale at half price in the shop
It was a dis-count Dracula
When they didn't accept my discount, I gave my local tanning salon a low rating...
It seemed a little shady to me.
What do you call a Skyrim warrior with well endowed chest playing the lute and selling luxury merchandise at a discount?
Nord-strum Rack.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At our tattoo studio, women can flash their b**... to get a discount
The business model we operate on is "t**... for tat".
Indians and discounts... I asked my buddy Rajesh what time it was
He replied, "It's 3 o'clock, but for you my friend, I'll make it 2.30"
So there's this witch that owns a motel and she'll give you a discount room if you consent to her experimenting on you...
The sign outside says, Come on in and rest for a spell .
At the checkout counter, I asked the cashier, "Ma'am, this has today's date. Can I get a discount?"
"Oh come on, do you want to buy the newspaper or not?"
I hate winter…
I hate the snow, the ice, the cold. In these times I think of the 4-man tent I bought on sale sometime around 1995. It's a basic tent, and it was a great value when I got it. It's hardly used now and just sits in my garage. I get such Winter Blues that I think about setting the tent up in the back yard, even though I've never gone through with that.
But alas I wonder, is this the Winter of my discount tent?
Once a man saved to buy his dream car.
The car was worth $10M. He worked hard around 16 hours a day just to buy car. After a year of hard work he finally saved exact $10M and went to showroom. There was raise in price of car. Now it cost $10M AND 50cents. He asked for discount but they told that cant be done. Then the guy went to the shop across.
There he asked for 50cents to buy car. The shopkeeper was amazed and looked that person top to bottom. He seems a decent guy. After a while He handed the 1$ bill to that guy and told , "Get 1 for me as well."
