Disc Jokes

What are some Disc jokes?

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

I went to a disco last night.

I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.

If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting...

...what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.

I've just discovered that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.

How do you discipline your pet rock?

You hit rock bottom

I just discovered a major difference between me and Rapunzel.

Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.

I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.

I discovered that my socks exhibit quantum entanglement.

As soon as I put on my left sock, the other sock immediately becomes the right sock, and vice versa, regardless of the distance between them.

I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3.

Because I wasn't wearing a condom.

I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.

I've no idea what kind of fees she's charging him.

Discrimination

Three first-graders are flunking their class. The teacher calls them in and tells them: "I will ask you one question each, if you can answer it, you pass."

"Jim, how do you spell 'Cow'?"

"Jack, how do you spell 'Car'?"

"Muhammad, how do you spell 'Racial discrimination'?"

Why was the middle aged computer sad?

He had a floppy disc.

I discovered the number one reason OP never delivers.

#

After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.

Unless he runs for President of the United States.

I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world...

It's called Crystal Meh.

A kid has a pear-shaped head

The poor kid is feeling down because everyone at school teases him about his pear-shaped head. One day he can no longer take the teasing and says to the kids teasing him, "I can't help having a pear-shaped head, my mom ate a pear when she was pregnant with me."
"That's not how it works," one of the other kids said. "My mom ate a scratched disc when she was pregnant with me and nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...happened."

My friend invented a machine that can take a disc out of a console, then put a new one in

It's a game changer

A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings...

Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners had been discovered.

If someone on this sub discovers a new type of rock they should name it something funny.

Amirite?

How do you discipline a coffee bean?

You ground it.

Why does everyone try to discredit Flat Earthers?

It's like there's a global conspiracy.

Why did the movie critic give the movie he received on a burned disc a 3.14/5?

Because it was pi-rated.

A disciple asked, Master, is it okay for a monk to use emails?

Yes, son, the guru quipped, as long as there are no attachments.

you'd think a discussion about water would be boring

but it's never a dry subject

Never discuss Ο€ with a mathematician...

You'll never hear the end of it!

Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.

In the end you ignore everything and click on "accept".

I just discovered that chronic diarrhea is hereditary.

Apparently it runs in your genes.

Who discovered Victoria Falls?

Whoever tripped her.

I discriminate against people who lose digits on their feet to frostbite.

I guess you could say I am lactose intolerant.

What do you call a pan-sexual man named Nick who works at a CD store?

Pan Nick at the Disc Co.

It's been discovered that Mary was not infact a virgin when Jesus was born.

It was an inaccurate conception.

Discussing Funerals

Three men are sitting around drinking coffee when a pastor comes up to them. "Men, I want you to think about when your life ends. What would you people to say about you at your funeral?"

The first man thinks a bit and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good family man. That I provided for my wife and children."

The second man thinks and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good Christian. That I read the scripture and lived for the Lord."

The third man says, "I hope they say 'Look! He's moving!!'"

Discipline is important

A wife calls her husband into their son's room. She says, "Look what I found under Johnny's bed!" as she points to a suitcase filled with whips, paddles, canes, and cat–o'–nine–tails of every size, color, and material. "What are we going to do with him?" she asks. The father looks at the suitcase, looks at his son, and looks at his wife. He says, "Whatever we do we shouldn't spank him."

They just discovered a lesbian dinosaur and are calling it...

Lickalotapus.

Discount Air Rides

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'

Discrimination?

A First-grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's great. Tell you what, go to the blackboard, and if you can write the word 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you can write the word 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Leroy what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.

Tell you what, if you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

Red Neck Computer Dictionary

* LOG ON: Makin' a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin' the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you're not keerfull gittin' the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much farwood.
* RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
* HARD DRIVE: Gittin' home in the winter time.
* WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
* SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season.
* BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
* CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
* MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
* MODEM: Whutcha do to the hay fields.

I don't discriminate based skin colour, I do it based on clothes...

In fact you could call me a fashist

Was the discovery of a new planet an accident?

or did they planet

I discovered a Star Wars themed sex technique...

I call it the Hands Solo

I do not discriminate between white-collar and blue-collar workers

Because I am collar-blind.

What do you call a hard drive after sex?

A floppy disc

Adam's discussion with God

So Adam is walking around the Garden of Eden and he calls out to God that he's kinda bored and lonely. He asks God if he can create someone who is kind and admires and serves him(Adam) in every way. God responds He can, but it's going to cost an arm and a leg, so Adam asks what he can get for a rib.

I've discovered I have the power to control minds

Just mine so far.

They've discovered a new strain of head lice, but they haven't found a cure yet

It's got scientists scratching their heads.

Did you hear about the 70s style record company that burned down?

Yeah, it was a disc co. Inferno!

After much discussion, it was decided that Korea would divide its capital city into two, half for North and half for South, the job of splitting the city went to some unusual ministers: Cenobites. In their first public address about their new task, they gave their mission statement:

"We'll tear your Seoul apart"

I went to a disco last night (variation)

The DJ said, "Sing with me". I sang with him.
The DJ said, "Put your hands together". I put my hands together while singing along.

The DJ said, "Come on everyone". I was thrown out of the Disco.

I'm not a discriminatory person, and I'll say it again : It doesn't matter for me if you're gay, bi, trans, black

or normal.

I made a vinyl disc with grooves in 2 minutes.

I think that's a record.ο»Ώ

Discriminating Robot Bartender

One upon a time, a guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender!

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey."

The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey."

Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says,"100."

The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints, and LSU Tigers.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more
time. He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy with Obama and the government?"

We were discussing the races and dwarvs are my favorite. The reason?

They always appear to be down to earth.

How do you discuss cheese with a Welshman?

Very Caerphilly.

A discussion me and my wife just had

*Me trying to place the curtain on its rails*

Me:I can't reach it, I need 10 more cm to do it!


Wife:*sigh*.. I know..

I discharged my cat because she was all staticky

It's dangerous to have charged cat-pacitors laying around.

A new discovery is made pertaining to the ethnicity of Ancient Egyptian Kings

Archaeologists have discovered that the kings of Ancient Egypt were in fact black. Upon unwrapping the gold sarcophagus they found the body of a dark chocolate skinned man. The legendary Pharaoh Rocher.

At the disco:

"So whats a cute girl like you doing all by herself?"

"I had to fart"

If the U.S. ever discovered Time Travel

It would go back in time and invade itself for oil.

Blonde watching a movie

Blonde: Last night I watched a movie. Hated it. Sat there for two hours with no sound nor video.


Me: What was the name of the movie?


Blonde: "no disc inserted"

I had a dream last night...

In my dream I was watching a band play. Buddha was playing guitar, Jesus was playing bass, Mohammed was singing, and Zeus was playing the drums. After the show, Zeus came down and gave me a large metal disc. I think it was a cymbal from god.

The disc drive on my DVD player is busted. I guess you could say it has...

Ejectile disfunction.

I tried to discuss multidimensional physics with a friend today

But he didn't want to talk about such dark matter.

I think I discovered the secret to immortality.

Unfortunately it's going to take forever to test.

I've discovered a simple and easily reversible birth control method!

It's called 'not having a girlfriend'

Discussion between husband & wife

Wife : Everyday you spend 5 bucks on a pack of cigarettes. In a month, you would be spending 150 bucks right?

Husband : yes....and?

Wife : In a year, you would have spend $1800 and you have been smoking for 20 years. If you didn't smoke, you would be driving a Porsche by now.

Husband : how about you? Do you smoke?

Wife : Are you crazy? No! I don't!

Husband : And where is your Porsche?

Discussing my new-found kink has been rough

It turns out the only thing I am sexually attracted to is final scene from the movie Heat. I've tried to talk to my friends about it



But nobody wants to hear how I came to that conclusion.

[OC] Why did only one of Jesus's disciples betray him?

There wasn't enough wood for a double cross.
*badum tsssss*

I just discovered that I can play as Jon Snow on This War of Mine...

So far my weapon of choice has been the "crowbar."

While discussing trigonometry, two mathematicians had a disagreement over the best method for measuring angles.

It turned into a protracted argument.

Doctor's Discussion

Two surgeons are conferring in the hospital corridor outside a patient's room...

"We found a large lump in his wallet but I think we got it all."

what did they call the disc jockey who kept playing the same songs again and again?

DJ Vu

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.

So I said, "get off me you two!"

Someone discovered my password.

Now I have to rename my dog.

I just discovered that sin 90Β° = 1...

...this is a good sine.

They've discovered King Kong was indeed heterosexual...

...it was booty that killed the beast.

With all the discussion around #metoo I've decided to swear off women.

I'd rather be safe than Ansari.

I just discovered the biggest number

I can't talk about it right now, it's too much

I was discharged from the hospital

Receptionist: Have a nice day, and come again!

At the disco:

A man walks up to a woman and asks: "Would you like to dance?"

Woman: "Yes, i would like that very much."

Man: "Ok, go dancing then. Meanwhile i will chat with your friend."

To whoever discovered goldfish

You are a twit

TIFU

Now the disc is not playable.

What did the disco goose say to the abrasive scarecrow?

You're scaring me, let me dance the night away.

[probably made before] What do you call s panasexual guy named nick who is at a disk company?

Pan nick at the disc co.

I discovered that the secret to eternal life is never dying.

How to make Disc jokes?

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