Disbelief Jokes
61 disbelief jokes and hilarious disbelief puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about disbelief that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Disbelief Short Jokes
Short disbelief jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The disbelief humour may include short incredulously jokes also.
- What's the difference between US Politics and WWE? one is a predetermined charade that takes a tremendous amount of willingness to suspend disbelief
the other is pro wrestling. - I laughed in disbelief when I saw kanye west was running for president. But with his recent incoherent twitter ramblings, he seems like he is more than qualified.
- Met Roy Moore at a bar once... Chatted him up about wanting to hook up with twenty-nine year olds.
He looked at me with disbelief and asked "how are you going to do all twenty at once?" - My girlfriend convinced me that certain aquatic mammals don't exist right before she broke up with me. She left me in otter disbelief.
- You are what you eat... ...said one squirrel to another.
The other said in disbelief, "You're nuts." - How did the cow feel after being diagnosed with breast cancer? She was in udder disbelief.
- A boy really likes a girl so he asks her out to the prom. She says yes, so they go. At the prom, she asks for him to get some punch. He goes, and to his disbelief, there's no punch line.
- 2 little boys are arguing About whose dad has a better job. First says "mines a Dr." second says " well mines a lawyer" first says in disbelief " honest? " second says " naw the usual kind"
- A man told his girlfriend... A man told his girlfriend: "The world is flat, babe!
She nodded in disbelief: "No it's not, silly!
He continued, laughing: "Babe, You're my world! - How do you build a bridge which all the best structural engineers do not believe can hold the weight of traffic? You use the suspension of disbelief.
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Disbelief One Liners
Which disbelief one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with disbelief? I can suggest the ones about astonished and disappointment.
- Deadass? Farmer in disbelief that his donkey has passed away
- What do an Australian in disbelief and a Norwegian have in common? "Norway!"
- Why is disbelief absent in the American high school today? it got suspended
- What borders on with disbelief? Canada
Comical Disbelief Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about disbelief you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean denial jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make disbelief pranks.
So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.
He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"
Sigmund Freud is talking to his buddy ...
... and the conversation turns to s**..., as often happens. Freud says, "I'm thinking about taking out Carl's daughter."
"Carl's daughter?" says the buddy in disbelief. "Isn't she a little Jung?"
A blonde walks into a library..
she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"
*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."
Regular Russia, not the Soviet one
Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America. Igor responses, Why do think America would be any better. Ivan stares at Igor in disbelief, Do you know what would happen in America? If a limo drove by and splashed you, the rich man would pull over, apologize, help you into the car, take you to his home, make you nice drink, feed you dinner, let you sleep in his warm bed, and then, the next morning, he would drop you off where ever you wanted to go. Igor says, Really? This happened to you?! Ivan, No, my wife.
My grandpa's favorite joke
A man runs into a psychiatrist's office exclaiming that he has gone crazy. The psychiatrist asks this random fellow why he thinks he is crazy, to which the man retorts, "I've been wearing cellophane underwear for the past week!" The psychiatrist, in slight disbelief, asks the man to prove it. The man swiftly pulls down his trousers to reveal that he was wearing home-made cellophane underwear. After a moment of examination, the psychiatrist exclaims, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"
English couple adopt a German baby boy 'Engelbert'....
.....now six years old Engelbert has never spoke a word, everyone just assumed he is mute.
Then one day at the breakfast table Engelbert shouted (with a typical German accent) mummy these sausages are not cooked through!
Mummy rushed across and shocked with disbelief said Engelgert you can talk, how come you never said anything for six years?
(German Accent again) Engelbert replied up until now everything has been quite satisfactory.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack", he says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says that his dad is m**... Jagger, and it's okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says "Sure, have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty tells him that she'll have to consult with the bank manager. She then disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".
A blonde goes to the doctors and both of her ears are red...
The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
She replies, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The s**... called back."
A priest meets a drunk outside a bar.
The drunk claims to be Jesus, but the priest doesn't believe him. The drunk insists, so the priest demands the drunk prove it. At this, the drunk leads the priest into the bar, upon which the bartender exclaims in disbelief "Jesus Christ, not you again."
my black friend just got denied an interview for a job. they told him straight up they wouldn't hire a black man.
I said in disbelief, "which company was that? we must report them!"
he replied, "It was an audition for the role of Queen Elizabeth"
Son asked his father permission to marry
a son walked up to his father and said "Dad, I'm going to marry the girl next door,Mary"
the father smiled and said "No, son you can't. She's your half-sister". Angrily the son said "Then, I'm going to marry Cindy"
The father replied the same.
The son in utter disbelief when to his mother and told what happened.
The mother looked at him in a rather cunning way and said "you can marry whomever you want son. TheY'RE not your half-sisters"
A horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"
My grandpa always told me this joke, hope you like it.
A frog in trousers hopped across a meadow.
Upon meeting a rabbit, the frog said:
"I am a cow, I am a cow!".
The rabbit looked angry and said,
"You are not a cow, you're a frog!".
So the frog pulled down his trousers and the rabbit stuttered in disbelief: "Holy cow!"
Two men are hunting together in a tree stand.
One leans over to his friend and says
"Hey I can see your house from up here! I can see through the window, it looks like your wife is cheating on you with some guy."
The husband in disbelief says to the other,
"Well if you can, shoot her in the head and him in the nuts. That'll teach them a lesson."
His buddy giggles as he raises his gun and says, "I can get that in one shot!"
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
Jewish Joke
Old Jewish man on his death bed requests a priest. His family not understand why complies and requests a priest who on arrival is told by the old man that he wishes to convert to Christianity. The family is in disbelief and once the father has left asks the old man why? His replies "well if anyone has to die I would rather it be one of them".
A p**... and a little boy walk into the woods....
The boy, crying and hesitantly following the p**... says "Mr, can i go home? Its dark and im scared."
The p**... looks at him in disbelief and says, "imagine how i feel, i have to walk home alone."
A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.
The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.
The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."
The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting on Hockey?"
The man quickly responds:"Of course not. I don't know anything about hockey!"
Bob didn't believe that Fred's dog could talk
So Fred asked his dog, What's on top of a house?
Roof, the dog barked.
Bob wasn't convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.
Rough.
He still wasn't convinced.
O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time? Fred asked the dog.
Ruth.
With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: Was it Hank Aaron?
A horse walks into a bar
and says "bartender, one beer please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "Did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "Why? Do they need a plumber?"
A man is in bed with a n**... five year old boy.
When the man's wife comes home, she sees this, drops everything in disbelief, and yells, "I can't believe you got a dog without telling me!"
I brought home a bouquet of roses for my wife
She looked at me in disbelief and asked "what did you do wrong"
"What? I just wanted to do something nice for you, buy you a gift, and this is how you act?" I respond
"Yea right, you think I don't know any better, now you want me to lay in bed n**... all week with my legs spread"
"Why" i asked, " you don't have a vase?"
Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today...
In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:
\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?
\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.
\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!
\- Ah, this must be outside.
A paper bag walks into the doctors because he's feeling a little down
Has some tests and come back a week later.
Doctor says, "I'm sorry son, but you're h**... positive"
The bag is in disbelief "How can this happen, I'm a paper bag?"
"Have you ever had unprotected s**...?"
"We'll no, I'm a paper bag"
"What about sharing needles"
"No doc, I can't even do drugs, I'm a paper bag"
" Well there's only 1 other explanation, your mum must have been a carrier"
(True story, for what it's worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.
Like the Spanish Armada? I asked.
Yeah, he said and I shook my head in disbelief.
Well, I sighed. At least he isn't called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not".
The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "...this goes even higher than I thought..."
Four surgeons
Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the a**... and head are interchangeable."
A prison guard is trying to catch someone escaping
The prisoner was a little person who climbed the fence and as he was going down the other side he laughed at the guard. The guard watched in disbelief thinking, "Now that is a little con-decending."
My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, You're shirtless and also covered in… oil?! I chuckled proudly, Well, you're always saying..."
"...I never glisten!"
She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
I *almost* got that...
My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, Why are you standing n**... in the kitchen and also covered in… olive oil?!
I chuckled proudly, Well, you're always saying..."
"...I never glisten!"
She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**
I haven't had s**... since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
So this drunk guy stumbles up to a police officer
He said, "Officer, someone stole my car!"
The officer in disbelief asked him "Oh yeah where was it last?" The drunk replied "right on the end of this key."
The officer, clearly unimpressed and wanting to move on with his day said to him "Okay buddy, why don't you just take yourself down to the station. They'll have the proper paperwork for you to fill out there. But before you go, zip up your fly." The drunk looked down at his fly, and then back up at the police officer.
"s**..., they got my girl too."
Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar.
Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Dave says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Guy walks into a bar completely n**......
except for a beat up old sneaker on one foot. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender Hey man, can I get a beer?
The bartender shakes his head in disbelief, pours him a beer, and hands it to him. The bartender says Sir uh... I can't help but notice... you seem to have lost a shoe.
The man replies Nah dude I found one!
A man walks into a bar.
A man walks into a bar and asks,
"Does anyone here own the Rottweiler outside?"
"Yeah, I do!" says a biker, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." The man hesitated.
"What are you talking about?!" the biker says in disbelief. "How could your little runt kill my Rottweiler?"
"Well, he got stuck in your dog's t**...."
Two English gentlemen are fishing on a boat
As they are both fishing in silence, as gentlemen do, the one gets a big pull on his line. After a fair amount of fighting, he pulls a beautiful mermaid out of the water. As he is holding her, he looks at her head to tail: top half woman, and from the waist down fish.
The mermaid looks at him straight in the eye with an amorous look. Then, without saying a word, he drops her back into the water.
His friend, in complete disbelief, exclaims: "But why?"
To which the first replies: "But how?"
My wife has been trying to teach our son sign language
I was skeptical at first because she started so young, but he is starting to catch on. Without a word I watched her ask if he was all done or wanted more food during dinner. He tapped his fingers together, signaling he would like more food. I sat in disbelief as she added more food to his plate. It's so amazing that, at just 13 months old, he can already get my wife to stop talking.
And elderly couple...
hire an attorney and tell him they want to get divorced. He looks at them in shocked disbelief and exclaims, "Henry! Dorothy! You are both in your 90s. You've been married for 72 years. Why do you want a divorce now?"
Dorothy looks him in the eye and says, "It's been awful, but we wanted to wait until the children were dead."
Recently the police were called to the residence of an elderly couple. The Chief radios the station that the wife has shot the husband.
The Sgt. at the station stammers "What? Why?" The Chief calls back "Well, apparently she warned him about walking on her freshly mopped floors one more time..." Sarge is in utter disbelief "Did you go and arrest her??" Chief said not yet. Sarge asked what the h**... he's waiting for. Chief radios back "The floor still isn't dry..."
The Marriage,,,
Paula, a mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter
Janet's plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find
adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula
noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic
markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head.
Janet introduced this man as her new husband.
Paula gasped out loud in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I
said for you to marry a rich Doctor .... a rich Doctor!"
Alligator in a bar
Says to the bartender, see that woman over there? I'm gonna eat her.
Bartender says you do and you'll fall fast asleep.
In disbelief the Alligator does just that. Eats the woman and proceeds to fall asleep for some time. Wakes up befuddled and asks the bartender how did you know?
Bartender says easy,
Thats a bar b**... you ate
A boy looks longingly to the distant islands
He wants to run away to the islands but the only problem is he's got no money. He walks over to his wise old neighbor and asks him for advice on how to get to there.
The old man says, well these woods here have magical pixies that have a special dust. If you get their dust you could just fly there! The only problem is they don't just give it out for free. You're gonna want to sneak up on 'em.
The boy nods his head in disbelief.
The old man says, So, I guess your options are you hire a boat, or catch a fairy!
Amazed
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it a**..., with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband."A penny for your thoughts," she said."It's amazing! " he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $146.50. "
A Italian and a Finnish guy go on a fishing trip
After a couple of hours of complete silence the Italian guy asks: so how is it going?
The Finnish guy turns around and with complete disbelief in his face he replies: Are we chatting or are we fishing!?
Dude 1 and his two friends are talking at a bar - talking about their wives..
Dude 1 says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
Dude 2, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed, and it wasn't mine."
Dude 3, says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
A student is blatantly cheating in an exam
The invigilator is watching in a mixture of disbelief and amusement as the student peeks at a crib sheet and looks at his neighbours papers.
At the end of the exam the students line up to hand their papers in. When the cheater gets to the front of the line the invigilator says "Uh-uh, no way. You were blatantly cheating; you don't get to submit a paper"
The student looks him in the eye and says "Do you know who I am!?"
"Not a clue!" says the invigilator.
"Good then" says the student, as he slips his paper into the middle of the stack of papers on the desk and walks out.
