Hilarious Fun Dirty Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
I only have only one vice...
and that's to be screwed on top of my dirty workbench.
A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.
While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.
After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.
The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up prostitute in the dictionary, a person who trades sex for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.
Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.
Husband comes home and says:
Husband comes home and says:
- Honey, I invited a friend to have dinner with us today.
Screaming she replies:
- What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I did not buy any groceries, the dishes are dirty and I'm not in the mood to cook anything special.
- I know.
- So why did you invited him?
- Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.
How many dubstep fans does it take to wash a car?
One hundred and one. Two to wash it, one to dry it, and ninety eight to talk about how dirty it was.
A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her sex life.
Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.
She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"
He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."
Then she says, "And the sex life?"
He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
When a man talks dirty to a woman...
The man is charged for sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, He's also charged $3.95 per minute.
A married couple is lying in bed.
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy
who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Why did the fan blow itself?
Because it was turned on!
There was a deaf mute
who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap.
Importance of Planning
Why planning is important?
One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See below for the question paper.
Q.1. Your Name…….. ………
(2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right
Yo mama's like a brick.....
dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.
A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars
A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.
Wife: "Hey sexy, the kids are asleep, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."
Me: "OK, ... the bathroom....the kitchen....your car..."
What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?
He got lemonaids.
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
Lindsay Lohan got her blouse dirty...
..and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says "I need to get this cleaned" to the man behind the counter. The man who was hard of hearing replies "come again?", Lindsay responds "No, mustard".
What does a dirty hippie say after you ask him to get off your couch?
Namaste
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a voluptuous lobster?
One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.
:D
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head.
He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrrrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
A young boy and his father are walking through a park when they see two dogs doing the dirty.
Boy: "Daddy, what are they doing?"
Dad: "Oh...uh...they're just making a puppy."
Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed.
Boy: "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad: "Oh...We're just making a baby."
Boy: "Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy."
Why didn't Cinderella go to the ball?
She didn't want to choke!
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He used a pencil to budget
"Talk dirty to me!"she begged.
"Alright," he said leaning closer, "Volkswagon diesel!"
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?
A $100 bill.
Why did people make white chocolate?
So black kids could get dirty faces too.
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...
She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs...they screw in dirty sleeping bags.
What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?
A wet nose.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment.
If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.
What do you do when an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw your dirty laundry in there with some detergent.
What did the zit say to the other zit while they were making love?
Yeah you like that you dirty pore?
4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I really hate babies.
Whats the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?
Guys will actually look for the golf ball.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"
Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
What was the guitar teacher arrested for?
Fingering a minor
A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church.
Man: Father I have sinned.
Yesterday my wife was leaning against the sofa and she was wearing a short Dress she looked so sexy I couldn't control myself. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her from behind uncontrollably.
Priest: oh no no they don't like that sort of behaviour is heaven.
Man: No they don't like it in Walmart either.
Wife: I have a bag full of dirty & used clothing I'd like to donate....!
Husband: Why not just throw these in the trash? That's much easier for you.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes with basket full satisfaction.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party
. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud during the planning "Wait, then how did they get pregnant?"
Why did the mermaid wear seashells?
She grew outta her beeshells!!!
The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."
A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.
"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
What is the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can clean her crack and resell it.
Why did the ketchup blush?
He saw the salad dressing.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?
Call her and tell her about it.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!
A psychiatrist was testing a patient's personality. He drew a circle on a paper.
And asked the patient, What does this remind you of?
The patient answered, Sex.
The shrink drew a square and asked again, What does this remind you of?
Sex, the patient replied.
Then the doctor drew a triangle.
It reminds me of sex, the patient stated.
You seem to be obsessed with sex, the shrink told the patient.
*I'm* obsessed with sex? *You're* the one who's drawing the dirty pictures!
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants?
One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a busty crustacean
For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa's favorite joke when I was growing up: Wanna hear a dirty joke?
-A man fell in a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.
After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.
The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career
He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.
In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job security.
"I'm as surprised as you are," wrote the vampire. "It was not a job I could see myself doing."
4 million of these people...
### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I really hate babies.
Grandpa, these dishes on the dinner table are a little dirty
Grandfather replied: there as clean as cold water can get 'em
Next day:
Grandpa these dishes are still dirty, do we not have much cold water?
Grandpa: cold water runs all day, so those dishes are as clean as cold water can get
Alright, whatever you say
Day after:
Grandpa and grandkid are finishing dinner
Kid: grandpa I think I see a dog outside! Can we bring him in?
Grandpa: sure!
Grandpa opens the door
C'MERE COLD WATER!
(This joke was from my grandmother years ago)
Missing my dad today. Here's the friends in low places parody he used to sing to us at bathtime.
I take baths in wet places
Where the waters warm
And the soap chases my dirty away
I'm clean today
Now I'm not big on washing faces
Think I'll slip on down and wash other places
I take baths
In wet places
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?
Alot of dirty looks and kicked out of the petting zoo, apparently.
I'm in an age gap relationship.
I'm 40, she's 19.
Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.
My girlfriend got upset and we left.
Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?
Because he's a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.
*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!
How does Russia knows that Ukraine has "dirty" bombs?
Because they stole all of their washing machines.
My kid came home and asked if I wanted to hear a dirty joke…
He said: 2 pigs fell in the mud and three came out
Its a great hospital!
What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? The head nurse.
Elsa was complaining to her friend about a boy from their class.
He's pretty creepy. He knows so many dirty songs! , she said.
And he sings them around you? , her friend asked.
No, but he whistles them.
Why did the producer of Dirty Jobs get fired?
He was a Mike Rowe manager.
Dirty Pig
Customer is disgusted when she sees a baker crimping a pie with his false teeth.
Have you now got a tool for that job, you filthy pig
Yes, I use that for the doughnuts!!
Looking Good
My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.
I think I might never put my glasses back on.
Two Story Restaurant Waiter~
So I got this job at a restaurant that was 2 stories tall. I worked for 3 days hulking trays full of food and drinks and then dirty dishes up and down the stairs. And then I noticed some of the other waiters pointing and laughing at me. At first I though something had fallen off my tray. Then this the manager took me aside and explained that they have a little elevator that takes the food trays from the kitchen upstairs to the seating area downstairs. And I had been slaving with trays using the stairs the whole time. Boy, was I a dumbwaiter.
