dirty Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious dirty puns

Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.

Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.

The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.

Man: And that frees me from my sin?

Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.

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My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

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I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

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What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.

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Dirty limericks? GO! [NSFW]

There once was a girl named Alice

Who used dynamite as a phallus

They found her vagina in South Carolina

And bits of her tits in Dallas

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The Barbershop

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says:
"You're gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know", she says... "I'm gonna get tits too, you dirty old bastard."

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If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harrassment.

If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.

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[Dirty] Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night...

The plot thickens

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What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?

He got lemonaids.

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Yo mama's like a brick.....

dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.

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Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.

Those dirty bastards.

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2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.

If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!

A little vulgar, I know. But it was worth the buck I gave him!

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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job?

Ones a rusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

ahahhahahahahah

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What are the two most important holes in a womans body?

No!! Not them you dirty bastards!!!!

Its her nostrils...they allow her to breathe while she's sucking your dick.

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My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke.

Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

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Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap.

Dirty bastards.

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A bunch of thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothbrush and deodorant.

Dirty bastards

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A man with a dog walks into a bar.

The dog shits on the floor.

The man didn't realise, so he ordered a drink and went to sit down with his dog.

A second man enters the bar and slips over on the dog shit. He gets up in shock, staggers over to the bar and orders a drink.

A third man enters the bar and also slips on the dog shit.

The second man turns to him, laughs and says Haha I just did that!

Third man smacks him in the face and says YOU DIRTY FUCKER!

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Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18-year-old girl.

Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18-year-old girl.

The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.

Man: And that frees me from my sin?

Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.

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So I was walking home from the bar the other night..

And I came across this girl; dirty, disheveled, and curled up by the dumpster out back.

I took her home and bathed her. As I was toweling her down I became aroused.

One thing led to another and before you knew it we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor.

For one minute she was flailing so hard you would think she was still alive.

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What did the zit say to the other zit while they were making love?

Yeah you like that you dirty pore?

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After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"

Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.

He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"

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4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

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A man was walking along the street when he slipped in dog shit..

A few moments later another guy did exactly the same thing. The first guy said to him, "I just did that."

The second guy punched him in the face and called him a dirty bastard.

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Lindsay Lohan got her blouse dirty...

..and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says "I need to get this cleaned" to the man behind the counter. The man who was hard of hearing replies "come again?", Lindsay responds "No, mustard".

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What do you do when an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw your dirty laundry in there with some detergent.

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A man was confessing to his priest

Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.

The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.

Man: And that frees me from my sin?

Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.

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Dirty Dave

Dirty Dave the flasher was thinking about retiring. But he decided to stick it out for another year.

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Help! I've been robbed!

They stole everything except my deodorant, shampoo and hand soap.

Dirty bastards

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A British, Irish and Scottish

Walk into a bar and all order a beer. Unfortunately. A fly lands in each beer. The British guy asks for another beer and gets one. The Irish guy picks the fly out and puts it to the side. The Scottish guy takes the fly by the leg and scream "SPIT IT OUT, YA DIRTY BASTARD!!!".

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Since we're posting dirty limericks now.....

There once was a man from St. Lou

Who gave his dear sister a screw.

He said with aplomb:

"You're better than Mom."

Said she: "That's what Dad told me too."

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Wanna hear a clean joke?

Johnny took a bath with Bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

That wasn't a capitalization error.

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Helium

Helium walks into a bar, where he sees Argon, Krypton, and Neon sitting at a table. They cast dirty looks in his direction. Neon stands up and shouts across the bar, "Get your ass out of here! You don't deserve to be a noble gas, and they won't serve your kind here!"

Helium does not react.

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A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.

"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.

"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

"No, you've got bowel cancer."

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Wife: I have a bag full of dirty & used clothing I'd like to donate....!

Husband: Why not just throw these in the trash? That's much easier for you.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes with basket full satisfaction.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

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What are the most funny Dirty jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Dirty? Well, here are the best Dirty dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Dirty pick up lines to share with friends.

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