Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.
The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.
Man: And that frees me from my sin?
Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
So I went.
And I saw my dad.
Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.
If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.
The plot thickens
He got lemonaids.
dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.
Those dirty bastards.
Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!
Dirty bastards.
Yeah you like that you dirty pore?
Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
I really hate babies.
..and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says "I need to get this cleaned" to the man behind the counter. The man who was hard of hearing replies "come again?", Lindsay responds "No, mustard".
Throw your dirty laundry in there with some detergent.
Dirty Dave the flasher was thinking about retiring. But he decided to stick it out for another year.
They stole everything except my deodorant, shampoo and hand soap.
Dirty bastards
There once was a man from St. Lou
Who gave his dear sister a screw.
He said with aplomb:
"You're better than Mom."
Said she: "That's what Dad told me too."
Johnny took a bath with Bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
That wasn't a capitalization error.
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.
She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
Husband: Why not just throw these in the trash? That's much easier for you.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes with basket full satisfaction.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.
:D
The man is charged for sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, He's also charged $3.95 per minute.
Bubbles is a man
So black kids could get dirty faces too.
"Alright," he said leaning closer, "Volkswagon diesel!"
The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.
Namaste
She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.
"Sleep on it," I said.
Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.
The Rooster. ( Ν‘Β° ΝΚ Ν‘Β°)
if it was invented anywhere else it would be the teethbrush
idk how this got a dirty label
My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud during the planning "Wait, then how did they get pregnant?"
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
Debbie Dingell had asked Trump for A-plus treatment after her husband's death John Dingell.
Trump: Ok.
Debbie Dingell: Thank you so much. John would be so thrilled. He's looking down.
Trump: That's OK. Don't worry about it. Maybe he's looking up. I don't know.
This is the first dirty joke I ever learned.
A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.
While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.
After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.
The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up prostitute in the dictionary, a person who trades sex for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.
Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.
Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."
A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.
Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs...they screw in dirty sleeping bags.
A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her sex life. Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.
She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"
He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."
Then she says, "And the sex life?"
He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine A-4 pilot drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.
The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
"It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it, "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
Why didn't Cinderella go to the ball?
She didn't want to choke!
I'm twenty three now, I was fourteen when she said it but always stuck with me because my mom was always very polite and didn't tell dirty jokes.
Thanks for all the comments;)!
Now let me tell you a dirty joke. Bubbles is his neighbor.
"How so?" asked the roommate.
"I shouldn't have to do yours."
Because I would like to fill you with my dirty load in the evening, turn you on, and fall asleep before you finish
A young boy and his father are walking through a park when they see two dogs doing the dirty.
Boy: "Daddy, what are they doing?"
Dad: "Oh...uh...they're just making a puppy."
Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed.
Boy: "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad: "Oh...We're just making a baby."
Boy: "Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy."
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Why planning is important?
One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See below for the question paper.
Q.1. Your Nameβ¦β¦.. β¦β¦β¦
(2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right
The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke. After a real objectionable example of that one day, the female students got together and decided that next time, when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.
The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in India?"
Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit.
The professor continued: "Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to India doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrrrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".
A man went to a strip club and took a seat in the front row. As soon as the first dancer walked out the guy directly behind him yelled "yh Baby thats what i've been waiting for." the man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
A few minutes later the stripper took of her top revealing her bra. the guy behind our friend goes off again "yh baby, shake those things!!"
Our friend turns round and says "cool it buddy"
A few minutes after the stripper takes of her skirt revealing a G-String. again the man behind yells out "yh baby, you're almost there"
Our friend turns round again and says "will you shut up"
A few minutes later the stripper takes of her bra and G-string and everyone goes wild except for the guy behind our friend
Curious our friend in front turns around and asks "yo buddy, wheres your enthusiasm now?"
The guy responds, "its all over your back"
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try. The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.
The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. "It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!"
Me: "OK, ... the bathroom....the kitchen....your car..."
One hundred and one. Two to wash it, one to dry it, and ninety eight to talk about how dirty it was.
I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blow dried its fur and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house hoping they would think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"
I said, "Um... no... what happened?"
The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
Because he plays with Pooh
Dad: Hey son! What did you learn at school today?
Son: Philosophy.
Dad: What's that?
Son: Well there's 2 men standing at the bath tub. They both have to take a bath. One of them is clean and the one is dirty. Bath tub is full of water and cannot be refilled. Who will take the bath first?
Dad: The dirty one!
Son: But if the dirty one takes the bath, how will the clean one take the bath after him? He will get dirty..
Dad: Okay . Well. Then the clean one... He goes first!
Son:. .. but why would a clean person get a bath?
Dad: ..... That's some kind of bullshit!
Son: That's philosophy.
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