Dirty Jokes

funny jokes about dirty and hilarious stories

BEST DIRTY JOKES

Dirty jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Dirty of all time along with the funniest dirty gags ever told.

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said 1 dollar for dirty joke.
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: Alright sir whats your name?

Me: John

Homeless man: So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?

How many legs does that chicken have.

Me: Two?

Homeless man: Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?

Me: Two?
Homeless man: Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?

Me: Two?

Homeless man: Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?

Me: I don't know? A lot?

Homeless man: Well Johnny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.

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Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.
Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.

The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.

Man: And that frees me from my sin?

Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.

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THE WINE TASTER
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass...
This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.
"Correct."
A third glass...
"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

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My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.
So I went.

And I saw my dad.

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I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.
"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

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What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.

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Dirty limericks? GO! [NSFW]
There once was a girl named Alice

Who used dynamite as a phallus

They found her vagina in South Carolina

And bits of her tits in Dallas

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The Barbershop
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says:
"You're gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know", she says... "I'm gonna get tits too, you dirty old bastard."

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The dirty professor
The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke. After a real objectionable example of that one day, the female students got together and decided that next time, when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in India?"

Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit.

The professor continued: "Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to India doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

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LATEST DIRTY JOKES

Saying "I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty" in a job interview is a good idea.
Especially if you're applying to become a priest.

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2 Dirty Jokes
Q: What airline do drag queens fly on?

A: Pan Atration



Q: Where do Holy people take drugs?

A: Meth-lehem

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Keep your socks on and run
Woman to her husband while at it: "Oooh honey. Please say some dirty things to me!"



Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

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A man talks dirty to a woman, it's called sexual harassment
A woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute πŸ˜‚

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I need a good laugh today. What is your favorite joke or story to tell?
It doesn't matter if the joke or story is clean or dirty, as long as it is funny.

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Want to hear a joke about your mom's vagina?
Nevermind, it's too dirty and overused.

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If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.

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A blind man is walking through the fish market...
He takes a big sniff.

"How do you, ladies?"

Credit to Afroman song Dirty Rap

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What fits well between breasts, comes in various sizes and colors, can be long and can be short, is very flexible, and is something that women don't normally have?
A tie, you dirty minded fuck.

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It's a huge flex to spend a lot on something effectively useless, dirty, loud, and ugly.
It's a thing of beauty to see you have such a strong mutual relationship with your mother.

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My wife and I were badly harassed at dinner last night. I'm 35 and she's 19. People called me a "pervert", "dirty old man", "pedophile", etc.
Completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

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Had to come up with a safe word tonight
ADT home security, you dirty girl.

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Why did the nun stop playing in the mud?
She was ashamed of her dirty habit.

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I was gonna make a dirty joke.
Butt f*ck it!

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What do you call a paycheck from a dirty job?
A Mike Rowe transaction.

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How do you clean dirty water?
You wash it

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What's a dirty dishes' favorite band?
N'sync

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Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers...
That is dirty.... that tongue twister...

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Why did members of the Wu Tang Clan storm out of Danny's Filthy, Aged Seafood?
They didn't like that their fish came with a side of an old, dirty bass turd on the plate.

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What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure while taking a bath?
Throw your dirty clothes in.

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DIRTY JOKES THAT ARE...

Dirty jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Dirty short jokes, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.
So I went.

And I saw my dad.

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I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.
"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

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What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.

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If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harrassment.
If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.

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[Dirty] Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night...
The plot thickens

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What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?
He got lemonaids.

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Yo mama's like a brick.....
dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.

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Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Those dirty bastards.

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[Dirty] Did you know pigeons die after they have sex?
At least, the one I fucked did.

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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job?
Ones a rusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

ahahhahahahahah

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BEST SEX JOKES

Some of the dirtiest jokes and pick up lines about sex.

[Dirty] Did you know pigeons die after they have sex?
At least, the one I fucked did.

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[Dirty] In 18th century U.S., what did they call 5 black people having sex?
A threesome

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Dirty: A boy was dragging his frog
A 10 year old boy walked into his local brothel dragging a dead frog on a string. The madam answered the door and asked the boy what he wanted.
"I want to have sex with one of your ladies", Said the boy.
"Well we have a fine selection, take your pick son", replied the madam.
"I hear the men in town talk about Alice, that she has a disease", said the boy.
"Why yes, but wouldn't you want a girl who is clean?", inquired the madam.
"No, Alice will do just fine", Said the boy.
So, the boy went back with Alice, and ten minutes later came out happy as a clam, dragging his dead frog on a string.
Upon seeing this, the madam had to ask why he requested Alice, who had a disease.
"Well said the boy, I had sex with her, so I have the disease. When I go home, my dad will come into my room tonight and molest me, so he'll catch the disease. Then, he will go to my mom and give it to her. Finally, when dad goes to work the next morning and the milk is delivered, mom will have a quickie with the milk man in the kitchen....
...and that's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog!

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The dirty joke from 'Freaks and Geeks'
A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her sex life. Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.

She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"

He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."

Then she says, "And the sex life?"

He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

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Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

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The pope is dying...
of a new and terrible disease. The only cure, according to the Vatican's top physician, is for his holiness to engage in the down and dirty. To survive his ailment, the Pope must have sex. To not do so means certain death. He refuses at first, horrified at the thought. But slowly, the bishops convince him that it could be kept quiet, and no one would ever know. Finally the pope relents, but only under the condition the bishops find a special woman for the job. "She must have these three qualities, or God will never forgive me." "Yes, Holiness. Of course. What is the first quality?" "She must be blind, so that she can't see to whom she is making love." The bishops nod in agreement. "That is most wise, oh Pope. And the second quality?" "She must be a good Catholic woman, without a husband." "But of course! Wise and good is your wish, oh holy one. And the third quality?" "Big titties."

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A joke about Viagra my grandfather told me. Slightly dirty.
A woman walks into a pharmacy and goes directly to the pharmacist.

Woman: Excuse me sir, my husband is having trouble getting hard and it's really affecting our sex life. Is there anything you'd recommend?

Pharmacist: Yes, I would recommend Viagra. It helps increase the blood flow to the penis, therefore it will be easier to get an erection.

Woman: Oh I see! And this is an expensive drug?

Pharmacist: Not at all, it only costs $10.00 a pill.

Woman: Very good! Can you get it over the counter?

He looks down or a few seconds...

Pharmacist: Well if I took a couple of them I probably could

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Another dirty joke #03
One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. What are you doing, Mommy? The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy's tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out. The little girl replies, Well, mommy you really shouldn't bother with that. The mother has a confused look on her face, Why do you say that sweetheart? The little girl replies, Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.

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Me and my girlfriend like to give each other dirty nicknames during sex
I think its really cute how she calls me "wrong hole" all the time.

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"You dirty-mouth pigs! In this country we dont talk about our dirty sex lives in public"
Two men with strong accents are having a conversation on the bus and a lady behind then eavesdrops.

"Emma comma first. Den I come. Den two esses acomma together. I come once-a-more. Two esses, dey comma together again. I comma again and pee twice. Den I comma one last time."

"You dirty-mouth pigs! In this country we dont talk about our dirty sex lives in public" says the lady.

"hey whatΒ΄sa matter for you" says the man. "Ima justa tellin ma frienda how to spell "Mississippi."

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BEST WOMEN JOKES

Dirty funny jokes about women most of which are sexual.

A professor tells dirty jokes and the women protest.
A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

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A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.
So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes Β£2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

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2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.
If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!

A little vulgar, I know. But it was worth the buck I gave him!

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Original joke that actually happened in real life. Slightly dirty.
My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud during the planning "Wait, then how did they get pregnant?"

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Catholic tastes
A bum got on a subway car. He smelled of cheap women and cheap wine. He was dirty and had a porno magazine in his pocket. When he got in he sat down next to a priest and started reading the newspaper.

After a few minutes, he asked the priest, "How do people get arthritis?"

The priest replied, "By drinking too much, being with cheap women, not washing and reading smut."

After a few minutes, the priest started to feel guilty and turned to the bum and apologized for snapping at him and asked him why he wanted to know.

The bum replied, "Well, I read that the Pope has arthritis..."

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A young soldier is sent to a military base in the middle of a desert.
After a few weeks he starts to get extremely horny, so he goes to the captain to ask him what to do.

"Chief, how can you withstand such long times without women?"

"You get used to it soon, but if you really miss them, there's a camel in the stable that you can use."

He is disgusted by the thought at first, but after a long time he goes there and does his business. At last, dirty and tired to death, he is done. On his way back he meets the captain.

"Boss, it was so hard, how do others do it?"

"Normally, we sit on the camel and ride to the city."



(Sorry for bad English)

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Why don't women have dirty minds?
Because they're constantly changing them...

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A guy walk up to a bar with two women
A guy walk up to a bar with two women and says "you ladies from Scotland?

They give him a dirty look and say "Wales"

"Oh I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

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Women are like bathrooms stalls....
....they're all dirty, except the handicap ones -Jim Jeffries

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What's your favorite dirty joke?
Mine is: Wht do Jewish men have their sons circumsised? Because they know Jewish women can't resist anything 10% off.

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BEST WIFE JOKES

Funny jokes about dirty wife most of which are about relationships and marriage.

My oldest dirty joke, From my grandfather around the campfire...
**An old couple gets pulled over and...**

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."

**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**

Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."

*Cue my grandmother scolding my grandfather for telling a dirty joke in front of the kids.*

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2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.
If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!

A little vulgar, I know. But it was worth the buck I gave him!

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A male driver with his wife is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

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Wife: I have a bag full of dirty & used clothing I'd like to donate....!
Husband: Why not just throw these in the trash? That's much easier for you.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes with basket full satisfaction.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

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Husband and his wife at night conversation
Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
"Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes
and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

He sent another text,
"And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary
at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

Shetext back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied,
"No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message".

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A man had a portal to a secret world in his house
Every night he would step through the portal and leave his chatty wife, screaming kids and dirty dog behind. He would be completely alone and calm.
But then his feet would cramp up and he had to wipe his ass and get back to reality.

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Cop Joke
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

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Original joke that actually happened in real life. Slightly dirty.
My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud during the planning "Wait, then how did they get pregnant?"

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A married couple is lying in bed. (SFW)
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".

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Wife: "Hey sexy, the kids are asleep, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."
Me: "OK, ... the bathroom....the kitchen....your car..."

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WHAT ARE DIRTY JOKES ABOUT?

Dirty is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about dirty.

Are Dirty jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring dirty joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read dirty jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with dirty jokes on YouTube.

TOP FOOD JOKES THAT ARE DIRTY

Jokes about food, whether it is breakfast, lunch, snack or dinner.

This is the oldest (Dirty) joke I know. I learned it around 4th grade.
A kid comes home from school one day and asks his mother, "mom what does no good son of a bitch mean?" The startled mother thinks quickly and says " it means a preacher."

The next day the son comes home and says "mom what does shit mean?" the mom thinks fast and says "food."

The next day the son comes home and to an astonished mother says "mom what does fucking mean?" The mom flabbergasted replies quickly it means getting dressed.

The next day the preacher comes over for dinner and the son answers the door and says "Hi you no good son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fucking."

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Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance.

Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

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Cold water
A city boy was spending the summer with his grandfather on a farm.

The first night, the food was good but the plate looks a bit dirty.

The boy asks his grandfather about it and he says "That's as clean as cold water can get them."

The next night, the plates are even more gross but all the grandfather will say is "That's as clean as cold water will get em"

The following day, the boy see's a dog licking dirty plates. The grandfather said "I see you met our dog, Cold Water"

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Two Words Every Three Years
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.

The head monk said, You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.

The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, What are your two words?

Food cold! the man replied.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said What are your two words?

Robe dirty! the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, What are your two words?

I quit! said the man.

Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!

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What do tofu and dildos have in common? They're both meat substitutes.

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One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"
So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!

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Q: What's long and hard and has cum in it?
A: Cucumber, dirty people.

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We're like hot chocolate and marshmallows...
You're hot and I wanna be on top of you.

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How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!

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I'm okay, I just had the best creamed corn.
So a man and his friend are going on a trip, when their car breaks down in the middle of the desert. But they see a house about a half a mile away. When they get there they knock on the door, and a dirty old lady answers. They both ask her for food and water, she replies "The only way I'd give any of you food is if one of you gets me pregnant". One if them backs out and just waits outside as his friend agrees. He and the old lady walk upstairs to her room. On their way, he finds a piece of corn on the cob and puts it in his pocket. She lays down on her back and closes her eyes. He then has the idea to put the corn he just found into her instead of his penis. He finishes in 4 minutes then quickly throws it out the window. He goes downstairs and and collects some food, then he brings it to his friend which is waiting outside. But he replies to him "I'm okay, I just had the best creamed corn"

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An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.


The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever.
People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."
The banana says "You think thats bad?
People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."
The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy.
You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"

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The problem with sex in the movies is, that the popcorn usually spills.

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Why pay $5 at Subway when you can get this footlong for free?

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Your legs are like an Oreo Cookie - I wanna split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle.

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Wanna go on an 'ate' with me? I'll give you the 'D' later.

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My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing?
Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

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I had a stealing problem
It was an addiction. I took candy, cash, food. My lowest point was when I stole a dress from a hamper in a convent,

It was a dirty habit.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.

50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man.
"I want a cheese sandwich!"

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Girl, you should sell hotdogs, because you already know how to make a wiener stand!

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

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When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.

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What's the difference between eggs and yourself? Eggs get laid and you don't.

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Q: If Nuts on your chest are Chestnuts and Nuts on a wall are Walnuts.

What are Nuts on your chin called?
A: A Cock in the mouth!

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One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

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Do you sell hot dogs? Because you know how to make a wiener stand.

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Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."

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My wife and I have two different styles when it comes to cooking.
Me, I like to clean as I go, "working clean." It takes a little longer to get the food done, but there's no mess to clean up.

My wife, on the other hand, does it the other way. She focuses on the cooking, leaving the dirty things to pile up, and then cleans them never.

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Sure, I love to cook, but that doesn't mean I'm against eating out.

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What's the only thing white girls swallow?
Starbucks.

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Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up?
Because I'd gladly put my meat inside you.

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Are your legs made of Nutella?
Because I'd love to spread them!

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A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.


The doctor says, β€œI know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?”
The girl thought and then asked, β€œDoc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?”

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What is the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't shoot down your throat at 40 miles per hour.

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You must work at subway...cause you're givin' me a foot long.

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What's the worst part about going to a gay picnic? All the hotdogs taste like shut.

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Q: Why do vegetarians give good head?
A: Beause they're used to eating nuts.

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Remember all those memories from being a kid, like the time you got in the van and realized the man didn't have any candy?

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Party host: Anyone here allergic to nuts? Because I like to rest mine on the table.

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Dad tries to persuade his son to eat the egg he has prepared for him:
"Eat your egg my child to become as big as daddy!"
"I do not want," says the little one.
"Eat it my boy to become strong and powerful."
"I’m telling you, no!" insists the youngest.
"My dear son eat your egg to make your bird grow."
And the mom from the inside "George, you eat the egg… I’ll make burgers for the kid!"

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A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant.


In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food.
He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirty meal," and walks out.
The waiter watches the guy go into a whorehouse.
The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in p**sy.
The waiter says, "You eat p**sy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti."
The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this p**sy, I'm not paying for it either."

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That moment when you notice that one fork isn't really very clean when you're laying the table and you have to decide which family member you like the least.

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I can teach you how to handle a cucumber.

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What have a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery driver got in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.

50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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I recently visited my grandmother's house. Out of date food, dirty plates...
Were among a few of the things that I left there.

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This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney.


About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed.
He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief.
The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.
About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off.
The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."
Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before.
She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?"
Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.
"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.
Ian replied, "Pepper."

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A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.


She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

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Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "

what things we can eat?"
"Bread"
"Yes"
"Hamburger"
"Ok"
A five years girl answered "Light",
"Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?"
"Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".

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A woman asks an agriculturalist: "

Please, tell me what shall I do? I have a garden but nothing grows there, like flowers or vegetables."
The agriculturalist says: "You know, it is to dung the garden with a good fertilizer."
The woman says: "And wouldnΒ΄t it be better to plant the vegetables directly into the ass?"

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A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts.

Told her I like shaved vagina and anal. Apparently, this isn't an appropriate answer at KFC.

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.


The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'"
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well…?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God…'"

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A young fellow went to a Jewish Doctor and told the doctor he was worried because he could not get an erection.
Whereupon the doctor told him to eat Jewish Rye Bread.
So on his way home, the young man stopped a Jewish Bakery and asked for 25 Loaves of Rye Bread.
The Baker said "25 Loaves? It will get hard before you get rid of it."
Whereupon the patient in excitement said "Give me 50 loaves."

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies:
"The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

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While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls.


To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. β€œHow’s your sex life?” asked the doctor.
β€œPretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s obvious relief.
But then the patient added, β€œI’ve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.”
β€œWhat’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously.
β€œWell, every time I urinate, my eyes water.”
β€œHmm,” said the doctor, thoughtfully.
β€œThat’s not all,” continued the patient. β€œWhen my wife does me orally, she gets heartburn.”
β€œHmm,” said the doctor, as his face reddened.
β€œIt gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand….I get an erection!”

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A man walks into his doctor's office and whines, "Doc, you've got to help me;

I've got a strawberry stuck up my ass."
The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, "I've got cream for that!"

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Q: What's the difference between jelly and jam?
A: I can't jelly my dick a baby's throat.

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Q: Do you know what happends with a nigger if he sticks up 12 varningssigns in his ass?
A: He becomes a toblerone!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

TOP DOCTOR JOKES THAT ARE DIRTY

Jokes about dirty doctors mostly about women.

An Arab and a Doctor
An Arab and a Doctor are Building an identical house next to each other in the same street.

After their houses are build the Arab says to the doc. "Hey Doc. You know my house is worth more than yours"

The doctor says: "dude don't be silly, we have the identical house in the same street how could yours be more worth than mine?"

The Arab replies: "well my house is in a good neighborhood as it is next to the house of a doctor, yours is in a shitty neighborhood next to some dirty Arab guy"

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A Zoo Keeper gets raped by an Elephant
And he's rushed to hospital for treatment.
The doctor examines him and asks why his bottom has been stretched out 10 inches when an Elephant's erect penis is only 4ins wide.
Weeping, the man say's The dirty bastard fingered me first !

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[Dirty] A woman was jogging down the beach.
A woman was jogging down the beach as she spots this man alone heavily crying.

She stops and asks the man "What's wrong?"

The man sobs "Well to start off, I've lived my whole life without arms or legs and my doctor told me I only have a few months left to live."

She replies "I'm very sorry to hear that" as she notices he really doesn't have any arms or legs, "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"

The man states "Well there is one thing, I've never had a real kiss from a woman."

So the woman leans over to kiss the man and he stops crying. They chat for a few minutes until the man starts crying again.

The woman then asks him "What's wrong now?"

"Well I also haven't been fucked in my life," the man replies.

So the woman jogs to the dock while carrying the man on her back.

The woman then throws him off the edge of the dock screaming "WELL YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!"

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A man goes to a doctor with a large, dirty toad on his head.
The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

And the toad replies, "Hey, Doc, there's something stuck to my ass."

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A dirty joke I heard from my mother!
A man from the IRS walks into a hospital to audit the medical supplies

The man says to the head surgeon, "What do you do with all the extra bandages?". The doctor replies, "We save them up and at the end of the year we send them to the supply company and they send us a new box"

The man asks, "What do you do with extra syringes?" The doctor replies, "We save them up and at the end of the year we send them back to the supply company and they send us a new box."

The man asks, "What do you do with all the foreskin from the circumcisions you perform?" The doctor responds, "Well, we save them up and at the end of the year we send them to the IRS and a dick like you shows up!"

I hope you enjoyed this dirty joke my mother told me!

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I tried to dirty talk a doctor
Me:I will let you play with my dick and you can say you're practicing anatomy

Her:Anatomy on molecular level is beyond my expertise

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

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The psychologist shows the patient a Rorschach image....
The psychologist shows the patient a Rorschach image and asks the patient what he sees. "That's a man and a woman on a bed about to have sex!" says the patient.
He shows him another.
"That's a man and woman on a bed starting to have sex." And another.... "That's a man and woman on a bed and they're really going at it having sex."
The psychologist then tells the patient "I think you are obsessed with sex."
But, doctor" says the patient, "That's not fair. You're the one showing the dirty pictures."

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My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.

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Doctor Doctor I feel really dirty
Open wide

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Doctor: "You need to stop masturbating."
Patient: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I would like to start the exam."

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Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
A: Wet noses.

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A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.


The doctor says, β€œI know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?”
The girl thought and then asked, β€œDoc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?”

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A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time and is awfully nervous.


When the doctor comes into the examining room, he notices immediately that she's very tense.
"Listen, dear. I know this must be scary for you. Do you want me to give you some thing to numb you down there?"
The girl doesn't say anything, but just nods her head yes.
So the doctor removes her underwear, puts his mouth in her crotch.
"Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb..."

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Patient: "I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?"
Doctor: "You’ve had an accident involving a bus."
Patient: "What happened?"
Doctor: "Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them."
Patient: "That’s terrible! What’s the good news?"
Doctor: "There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."

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A woman has been having stomach pain for the past week...
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps. Once she reaches the doctor, he tells her they'll need to run a few tests. At the end of the visit, he says she must come back in a week, when the results come in. Once she enters his office, he says, "Well, I hope you're ready for many sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!"

"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman asks excitedly, clasping her hands.

"No, you have inoperable bowel cancer."

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A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.


The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.
β€œWhy not?” asked the man.
β€œBecause it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.
β€œBut I need it really bad,” said the man.
β€œWell, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.
The man said, β€œMy girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”
The doctor finally relented saying, β€œOkay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, β€œWhat happened to you?”
The man said, β€œNo one showed up.”

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A woman came to his doctor with a left knee that was shot through.


The doctor asked her: "What does it mean? Why did you shoot accurately your left knee?"
The woman tells him only: "Sorry, but, you doctor, have told me that the heart is located two thumbs under my left breast."

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β€œDoc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone, β€œThe only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
β€œOkay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed, β€œGet him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
β€œBut I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
β€œThen you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
β€œWell,” the man admitted, β€œI think my wife has it too.”
β€œOh crap!” the physician roared, β€œThat means we’ve all got it!”

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A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.


The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said.
"Now you have to remove them."

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I can't stop making dirty jokes
My doctor says I'm adickted

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Patient: "Doc, recently I've been very careless."
Doc: "How? Give me an example."
Patient: "Now I'm speaking with you, it seems that I'm talking to my dick."

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A woman and baby are in the doctors surgery, the doc is concerned about the babys weight, "Is he bottle fed or breast fed?
The woman replies, "Breast fed."
The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts.
He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while ...
"No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk."
Woman replies, "I know, Im his granny ... but Im glad I came!"

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A man walks into his doctor's office and whines, "Doc, you've got to help me;

I've got a strawberry stuck up my ass."
The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, "I've got cream for that!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.


"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That’s not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

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Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.
Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"
"We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

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Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”

The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
β€œAm I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?”
β€œYes. Speaking.”
AEC guy, β€œYou’re a month overdue, you know!”
β€œHow do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
β€œWell, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.
β€œWhat are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?”
β€œYes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”
β€œGOD! This is too much.”
β€œMadam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.”
β€œI know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.”
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
β€œWhat’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.
β€œJust calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, β€œIt’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
β€œPAY you? And if I refuse?”
β€œWell, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”
β€œAnd what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.
β€œI don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "

I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"

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What have a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery driver got in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.

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One day, a Sodomite went to his doctor's office to get an HIV blood test.


While there, his blood got drawn and he then left.
Two weeks later, he was back at his doctor's office in an examination room, waiting for the result of the HIV test.
Suddenly, his doctor walks into the examination room and says to the gay guy, "I'm awfully sorry to tell you that the test shows that you're definitely HIV positive."
The gay guy then asks the doctor, "So, what needs to be done now, doctor?"
The doctor says to the gay dude, "I want you to go home, sit down at your kitchen table and eat 20 hamburgers, 20 hot dogs, 20 pizzas, 20 bags of chips, and 20 gallons of ice cream."
The gay then asks his doctor, "How's doing all that gonna help me out with my HIV, doctor?"
The doctor then replied, "It's not gonna help you out with your HIV at all but it will definitely teach you what your asshole is really for."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The pregnancy report of Santu’s wife came.


Doctor said, "Oh, nothing to get excited, it was just the gas problem."
Santu looks up at the sky towards the God and says, "Lord, What have you given me, a penis or an Air Pump."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young fellow went to a Jewish Doctor and told the doctor he was worried because he could not get an erection.
Whereupon the doctor told him to eat Jewish Rye Bread.
So on his way home, the young man stopped a Jewish Bakery and asked for 25 Loaves of Rye Bread.
The Baker said "25 Loaves? It will get hard before you get rid of it."
Whereupon the patient in excitement said "Give me 50 loaves."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help.


One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker and the other is gay.
The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die.
So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist.
He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A pregnant woman is about to give birth.


The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.
Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.
Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, β€œAre you my dad?”.
The doctor says, β€œNo, I am your doctor!”.
With that, the baby pops right back inside.
β€œDamn!”, says the doctor.
A short while later he sees the head push through again.
β€œAre you my dad?”, asks the baby.
β€œNo, I am your doctor.”, he replies.
Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb.
The doctor turns to a nurse and says, β€œNurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.
Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.
β€œAre you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.
The father replies, β€œYes, little baby, I am your father!”
The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, β€œYou must be a dentist”
The guy, surprised, says β€œYes…how did you figure that out?”
The girl says, β€œEasy… you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they were done, the girl says, β€œYou must be a great dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, β€œYes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl says, β€œEasy… I didn’t feel a thing!”

πŸ‘πŸΌ

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls.


To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. β€œHow’s your sex life?” asked the doctor.
β€œPretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s obvious relief.
But then the patient added, β€œI’ve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.”
β€œWhat’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously.
β€œWell, every time I urinate, my eyes water.”
β€œHmm,” said the doctor, thoughtfully.
β€œThat’s not all,” continued the patient. β€œWhen my wife does me orally, she gets heartburn.”
β€œHmm,” said the doctor, as his face reddened.
β€œIt gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand….I get an erection!”

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A doctor from the inner city was conversing with an old friend from med school at a cafe when he said, "Man, can I tell you something?"
His friend nods. "Sure."
"Okay, so the other day I had this one really hot, foreign patient, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since..."
He goes on to tell his friend everything about her, from her long blond hair and ability to speak fluent French, to her shimmering blue eyes and soft skin.
His friend seemed more disgusted with each passing moment.
"Dude, that is not cool."
The doctor, indignant, defended himself.
"What's wrong with that? Lots of doctors are attracted to their patients."
His friend simply shook his head and replied, "Maybe, but I guarantee you none of those doctors were pediatricians..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes to the doctor about the size if his penis.


He says to the doctor "My penis is too small."
Doctor gives the man some medicine, says "Drink this everytime you bump into something your penis will grow an inch."
So the man thanks the doctor and leaves.
He drinks the medicine on his way home he bumps into a lampot so his penis grew an inch.
Just a little further down the road he bumps into an Indian guy.
A thousand apologies, he penis grows one thousand inches, baffled by his extra long penis he decides to paint it red, hite and blue, and wrapped it round his neck, he decides to go to the cinema, he was watching a dirty movie, sat on the top of the row of seats, all of a sudden this voice comes on the speaker.
"Can the man with the red white and blue scarf stop chucking ice cream to the people below?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina.


In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.
When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out."
The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50.
After a long pause, the couple agreed.
The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in.
After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hell is going on?"
The doctor says, "Change of plans I'm going to drown the bastard."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.


The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
He asked her, β€œDo you know what I’m doing?”
β€œYes,” she replied, β€œyou’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
β€œThat is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
β€œDo you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
β€œYes,” the woman said, β€œyou’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
β€œCorrect,” replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, β€œDo you know what I’m doing now?”
β€œYes,” she said. β€œYou’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!”

πŸ‘πŸΌ

TOP MONEY JOKES THAT ARE DIRTY

Jokes about spending money on birthdays, celebrations or stupid occasions.

A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars
A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.
The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wise Golfer
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

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What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?
Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife reckons my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.
I wonder how much dirty money the Russian government paid her to say that?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

two nuns are painting a room
their doing it to help save money, they belong to a poor catholic church. one of the nuns looks at the other and says

"we should take off our robes so we don't get them dirty with paint"

the other nun agrees and they take off their robes panting naked now when suddenly there is a knock on the door

"who is it?"

asked one of the nuns and voice replied

"the blind man"

the nuns looked at each other and one says

"well he's a blind man he can't see anything"

so they open the door and in walks a man, he looks at the two women and says

"nice tits where do you want me to hang these?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So grandma is a bit pissed....
Little Johnny is taking a stroll with Grandma. Johnny sees money on the ground! He wants to pick it up. "Don't touch it!" shrieks grandma, "everything that lies on the ground is dirty, old and should be left alone."

Sad Johnny continues his walk with grandma. Grandma steps in a puddle and loses her balance. She falls on the ground and can't get up. Johnny keeps walking.
"Johnny! Why aren't you helping me!"

And then little Johnny says: "Everything that lies on the ground is dirty, old and should be left alone."
Johnny went home.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've come into a lot of cash recently doing unethical activities
If it wasn't dirty money before, it certainly is now.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hey, you wanna do a 68?
You go down on me, and I'll owe you one.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why pay $5 at Subway when you can get this footlong for free?

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Women are like swimming pools – they cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time you spend inside.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.


She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking.


"Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"How do you turn them off?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.

50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man.
"I want a cheese sandwich!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment.

If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man and a woman meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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Why do Gay men pay such high car insurance? Because they are always getting creamed from behind!

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Joke
Q: Why do Jews like watching dirty movies backwards?

A: Because they like the part were prostitute gives the money back!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Q: Why is a blood bank more profitable than a sperm bank?
A: The sperm is handmade.

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million.
The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect.
After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study.
The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies.
So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a bar with a four-foot crocodile on a leash, following him like a dog.


The barman says gruffly: "No pets allowed here!"
The guy says, "But this is a trained crocodile. See what it can do!"
He sets the crocodile on a table and hits it on both ears.
The crocodile opens its jaws wide.
The guy unzips his pants, puts his pecker into the crocodile's jaws and hits the crocodile on the ears again.
The crocodile closes its jaws leaving just one-inch space, not touching the man's pecker.
Everybody in the bar is very impressed.
To build upon it, the guy declares: "I give a hundred dollars to anyone who does it!"
But everybody is afraid to - understandably, each would rather have an undamaged pecker than a hundred dollars.
Finally, a man wearing a pink suit, with an earring in one ear, says in an effeminate voice:
"I think I can do it!"
Everybody admires him, "What a brave man you are!"
The man continues, to the guy: "Just don't hit me so hard on the ears!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There are hundred holes in in my wife's body;

one of them is filled by my dick and the 99 others has been filled by money.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "

1 dollar for dirty joke."
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"
Me: "John"
Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have."
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: "I don't know? A lot?"
Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.


"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That’s not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Insurance companies are trying to set new guidelines before approving Viagra coverage.


What will they use to set those guidelines?
A growth chart.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.


The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a Β£5.00 note.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another Β£5.00 note.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin."
At this stage the priest decides to take action.
"Tommy," he says, "that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"
"Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run a few errands and leaves his employee in charge.


A woman comes in and wants to purchase a dildo.
She looks at the shelf behind the register.
"How much for the white one?"
"$10."
"How much for the black one?"
"$20."
She buys the white one.
A little later , another woman comes in and also wants to buy a dildo.
After asking the clerk for prices, she decides on the black one.
A third lady comes in for a dildo.
She checks the price of the white one , the black one and asks about the plaid one.
She makes her purchase and leaves.The proprietor returns and asks how things went.
"Great! I sold a white one, a black one, and I got thirty buck for your thermos!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks in the local whorehouse, says "

I want the cheapest one you got, I don't have much money."
The guy behind the counter says "How bout the $1.95 cent special?"
The customer says "ok", and he paid, headed to the room.
When he opened the door, he found this beautiful broad spread out, just waiting for him.
He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her.
Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears.
He freaked, "omg she's sick."
He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happe ning, and the guy says "hey Joe! The dead one's full again!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.


She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.


They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
β€œI really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
β€œWhy aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
β€œWell, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

πŸ‘πŸΌ

George meets a genie in the street, which tells him to make a wish and it will make it true.


"I want to pee whiskey," he says.
β€œBut are you sure? You can ask for money, wealth, anything you want."
"No I want to pee whiskey."
The genie thinks what can it do, it makes his wish true.
George goes home, calls his wife, Sue: "Woman, get nuts and two glasses."
Curious she was, she brings them.
"What do you want them? She asks him. Once we don’t have any drinks."
From now on, we will both have as much whiskey as we want, says to her.
And really he fills the two glasses with whiskey.
They clink, drink one, drink two drinks, make some fun … and play a little game.

The other night the same happen.
"Woman, bring two glasses and nuts."
So they spend their evenings.

One night, however, the scene changed.
"Woman, bring nuts and a cup."
"A, for one?"
"You will drink from the bottle today."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Kamasutra says:
If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one.


And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "

I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.


She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"Β 
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is in Vegas where he lost all of his money so he can't pay for a cab to return to the airport.


He sees a cab and begs the driver to give him a free ride to the airport but the cab driver declines.
The next year the man returns to Vegas and get filthy rich when he decides to leave for the airport.
There is a huge line of cabs, and at the very end of this line was the very driver who never gave him a ride the previous year.
The man walks up to the front cab "Excuse me, sir if you give me a free ride to the airport I'll let you give me a handjob."
The driver declines immediately.
The man then asks all the drivers in this line the same thing.
When he gets to the last driver, he pays the fee and the cab driver begins moving, when he moved by the line, the man puts two thumbs up through the window so all the other drivers could see.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When washing dirty money, always remember..
Put it in the dryer or it won't stay together.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.


"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."
A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y.
The boots are sucked right in.
He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in.
He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in.
Inside he hears noises.
"Is someone else in here?" he asks.
"Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says.
"Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says.
"Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.

50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There are a hundred holes in the body of a woman;

one of them would be filled with a penis and 99 others could be filled with money.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.


She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, β€œStand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, β€œHow much?”
She says, β€œA hundred dollars.”
He says, β€œAll I got is thirty”.
She says, β€œHold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, β€œWhat can he get for thirty?”
β€œA hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
He agrees.
She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE...
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, β€œI’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry, and asks, β€œCan you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Q: What is the difference between your cock, and your bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

TOP HUSBAND JOKES THAT ARE DIRTY

Funny jokes about dirty husband most of which are about relationships and marriage

Wife: I have a bag full of dirty & used clothing I'd like to donate....!
Husband: Why not just throw these in the trash? That's much easier for you.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes with basket full satisfaction.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Husband and his wife at night conversation
Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
"Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes
and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

He sent another text,
"And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary
at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

Shetext back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied,
"No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Husband comes home and says:
Husband comes home and says:
- Honey, I invited a friend to have dinner with us today.
Screaming she replies:
- What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I did not buy any groceries, the dishes are dirty and I'm not in the mood to cook anything special.
- I know.
- So why did you invited him?
- Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A wife says to her husband....
"I want you to whishper dirty things in me ear,,
to which the husband replies:
"Kitchen,bathroom,livingroom"...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Please say dirty things
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A husband texts his wife from the office, "Hey Hon! Can you please throw my dirty clothes in the laundry?"
Several minutes passed and there was no response so he texted back.

"Oh I forgot to mention that I got a huge bonus! I really think we can get you that new car at the end of the month!"

"OMG!!!!! Are you serious?!!", she texted back.

"Nah, I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A joke about Viagra my grandfather told me. Slightly dirty.
A woman walks into a pharmacy and goes directly to the pharmacist.

Woman: Excuse me sir, my husband is having trouble getting hard and it's really affecting our sex life. Is there anything you'd recommend?

Pharmacist: Yes, I would recommend Viagra. It helps increase the blood flow to the penis, therefore it will be easier to get an erection.

Woman: Oh I see! And this is an expensive drug?

Pharmacist: Not at all, it only costs $10.00 a pill.

Woman: Very good! Can you get it over the counter?

He looks down or a few seconds...

Pharmacist: Well if I took a couple of them I probably could

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Guy invites friend over for dinner
Honey, said this husband to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.
What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!
I know all that.
Then why did you invite a friend for supper?
Because the dumb shit is thinking about getting married.

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A Clever & Smart Husband
I Sent A Text To My Wife Last Night: Hi Babe I'm At The Pub With Some Lads, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favourite Dish Before I Return.

I Sent Another Text: Babe I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I'm Getting You A New Car

She Text Back In One Second: OMG Really?

I Replied: No I Just Wanted To Make Sure You Got My First Message.

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Dirty joke!! -being a perv is what I do-
So a woman and her boyfriend are driving through the countryside when their car breaks down. They manage to move it to the side of the road, but not much further. For an hour or two, they wait for someone to drive by and help them, but after a while they become bored and get it on.
However, at one point, their car starts to shake so much ( ;-] ) that it rolls over.
The woman can get out, but her husband is trapped.
"Go get help!" He says.
"But I'm not covered!" She replies.
The man reaches for a shoe within his reach."Here. Cover your bottom half with my shoe."
So she takes it and runs, eventually coming across a bus station.
She runs up to a bus driver, clothing the shoe over her private area.
"You've got to help me! My husband is stuck!" The bus driver looks her over, and laughs lightly.
"Sorry, lady. I think he's already too far in."

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Dirty things
Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear !

Husband: Kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room...

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Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!
Husband: kitchen, living room, dining room, patio...

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Smart Husband!!
>Husband Sent a text to wife at night,"Hi babe i will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure your prepare my favorite dish before i return"
He sent another text,"Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in salary at the end of month and I am getting you a new car"
She text back, "OMG Really?"
Husband replied, "No i just wanted to make sure you got my first message".

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A man visits a a lovely old couple for dinner.
The man sits down after the table has been set. The man looks down and says, "these dishes are still dirty!" The husband says, "they are as clean as creek water gets 'em!"

The man then goes to the restroom and sees the disgusting toilet bowl, he comes back saying, "do you ever clean around here?" The husband again says, "that's as clean as creek water gets 'em."

Finally the man decides to head to bed and goes into the guest bedroom to find a dog laying on the bed. He comes out yelling, "I am not sleeping with a dog!" The husband looks over and shrugs, "that's just ol' creek water, he never hurt no one."

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A wife told his husband to whisper her dirty things, the man then replied, "The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory and the dining room."

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Dirty Wife!!
A wife says to her husband, "I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."

The husband gazingly looks into the eyes of his wife... Kisses her sensually and positions himself behind her....

He then whispers into her ear, "Kitchen, bathroom, living room"

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A man and his wife have a baby.
As soon as they are leaving the hospital the baby poops and the wife tells her husband to change him.

A year passes and the woman keeps noticing how the baby looks less and less like them so she does a DNA test.

The test comes back and the woman runs to her husband screaming that the baby isn't theirs.

He replies "Don't you remember you told me to change him right before we left, so I brought the dirty one back and got a clean one."

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An old lady went to visit her dentist.


When it was her turn she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants and raised her legs.
The dentist said: "Excuse me; I 'm not a gynecologist."
"I know," said the old lady "I want you to take my husband's teeth out."

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Husband And Wife
Husband sent a text to wife at night,
Hi I will get late, plz try and wash all my dirty clothes
And make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return.
He sent another text, I forgot to tell u that I got an increase in
My salary at the end of month I'm getting u a new car
She text back, Omg really?
Husband Replied: No I just wanted to make sure u got my 1st msg.

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There were three women sitting at a bar, talking about how loose they were.


One woman said that her husband could fit his arm in up to his elbow.
The next woman said her man could fit his leg in up to his knee.
The last woman just slid over the bar stool.

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Husband & wife
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

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After 20 years of marriage, a wife finds out that her husband had been f*cking her for the past 20 years with a dildo!
she is so angry she asks her husband to "Explain the dildo".
The husband replies "explain the kids?!"

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On the other day in a cemetery, I saw a woman who was rubbing her ass to a grave.


When I asked the reason, she answered: "It was my husband when he was alive; always he told me: 'Your ass is so sweet whenever any dead man touches it he'll be alive!'"

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Q: What book do women like the most?
A: "Their husbands checkbook!"

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β€œHoney”, says the wife to her husband, β€œlast night I had the most AMAZING dream.

.I dreamed that we were making love and next to our bed there was a black man from Africa who was waving a fan to us and that gave me great satisfaction..”
The couple decided to make the dream come true, so they found a black man and offered him 200 euros to wave the fan to them while they made love.
The three of them went home and the couple started having sex while the black man was waving the fan.
But still the wife couldn’t get any satisfaction..So she proposed that they should change roles.
She would make love with the black man and the husband would wave the fan next to them.
The husband accepted and started waving the fan…

After a while, the wife screamed of pleasure and asked for more!
So the husband said to the black man: β€œDo you understand now how you should wave the fan, you ashole?”

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A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a virgin and to never had been with a woman all of his life.
After some years of pointless searching, she didn’t found anyone with this description and forced to give an ad to the paper.

A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately.
On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick fresh up and then went back to the bedroom, happy.
When she entered the room she stood steal...
She saw her husband naked to the center of the room and all the furniture on the corner of the room.
"But.. What happened?" asked the woman obviously shocked.
"Look.. I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s the same as with the kangaroo, then I’ll need the whole room to catch you!"

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A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace.


He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.
Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.
He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub.
She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub."
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

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A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy.
Besides it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate.
The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

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A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.


The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said.
"Now you have to remove them."

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They were three men discussing how to make their wives to tell them if they cheated on them.


The first guy says: "I go home after work at night, lie on the couch, turn on the television and ask: 'Woman you cheated on me today!'
'Who, me my husband? Could I ever do such a thing?'
Pissed off as I am, I get up, put her down, punch her and in the end she can’t take it anymore and admits: 'I cheated on you with Nick…'"
The secong guy says: "I do exactly the same thing. I punch her and finally she says: 'I cheated on you with Jake…'"
The third guy says: "I have no problem at all. I go home, undress, put the sweat pants on, light my cigarette on, I go out to the balcony, see the neighbor spreading clothes and shout at her: 'Mary! You are a whore!'
And then she starts saying: 'I’m a whore? Or your wife who sleeps with John, Mark, Peter…!'"

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Keep your socks on and run
Woman to her husband while at it: "Oooh honey. Please say some dirty things to me!"



Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

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A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, β€œWife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, β€œBut I don’t like fishing!”
β€œLook! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
β€œDo I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”
β€œRight I’ll give you three choices… 1 You come fishing with me and the dog… 2 You give me a BLOW JOB…. 3 or you take it up the ass!”
The wife grimaces again, β€œBut I don’t want to do any of those things!”
β€œWife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, β€œWell! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, β€œO.K. I’ll give you a blow job!”
β€œGreat!” He says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business.
Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, β€œOh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shitty!”
β€œYes!” says her husband β€œThe dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”

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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.


The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me, I am celebrating."Β 
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.Β 
As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence!" said the man.Β 
"I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different ****," he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!"

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The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.


β€œI’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, β€œbut the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.”
The woman was shocked. β€œSuch a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.”
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, β€œHe’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.”
She thought a minute. β€œA pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.


Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, β€œMary. Mary.”
β€œIs that you, Fred?”
β€œYes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
β€œWhat’s it like?”
β€œWell, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.”
β€œOh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.”
β€œNot exactly, I’m a sheep in Wales.”

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.


The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

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TOP GAY JOKES THAT ARE DIRTY

Jokes about gays and homosexual men.

Three guys.
A gay man, a robber, and a pedophile are in heaven. God says, "If you commit one unjust act, you will descend to Hell." So the pedophile is walking along on the sidewalk and sees a little girl. He thinks dirty things and POOF, down to Hell. The gay man and the robber are walking along on the sidewalk and the robber spots a quarter lying on the ground. The robber bends over to grab the quarter and POOF, they're both in Hell.

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simple joke (but dirty)
what's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?
a fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out

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Hear about the new drug for lesbians? Trycocksagain.

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Why did God create gay men? So fat girls could dance.

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My dad used to always warn me about anal. He would say "Now son, this may hurt a bit".

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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong ...

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Q: How do u call an gay Indian guy.
A: Indi-anus

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Johny is the first day in jail in the cell with one mighty and a crazy prisoner and this crazy prisoner tells Johny: "You probably do not know that on the first day must every new prisoner must pass over the so-called welcomeΒ΄s ceremonial. Ok, so I ask you directly. Do you want it with cream or without the cream?"
Johny says: "I want it with creme, of course."
The crazy prisoner yells and says: "Cremo, come here, please."

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Why do gay men fake orgasms? Because they will be in deep shit if they don't!

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Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.

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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

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How much semen does a gay guy have? A butt load.

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Q: Why did they make glow in the dark condoms?
A: So gay guys can play star wars.

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Two condoms walk into a gay bar, look at each other and say "let's get shit-faced!"

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Why did the octapus? Because the seaweed.

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Q: What do gay guys have in common with bungee jumpers?
A: If the rubber breaks, they're in deep shit!

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My gay friend got fired from the sperm bank because they caught him drinking on the job.

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Why do Gay men pay such high car insurance? Because they are always getting creamed from behind!

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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? My pad or yours?

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One day a Jew was giving an Asian a blowjob, then, the Asian said do you have homework.


The Jew said no and they continued the blowjob.
Adam was waiting outside for a long time before he decided to walk in.
He walked in to find the Jew getting it up the bum.
Adam decided he wanted to get some action too, so he walked up and took a swing at the Asian.
The Asian died and then the Jew yelled Aluakbah and bombed everyone.
Note: they were all boys.

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Q: What do a gay and a garbage truck have in common?
A: Both take it in the rear.

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Did you hear about the gay guy that's on the patch?
He's down to four butts a day.

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When two men have sex what position are they going to be in?
But what about when two dogs have sex?
That means that the two men are having sex doggy style then what ways are the dogs having sex?
That means that the dogs are having an affair with the men to have sex doggy style.

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What's the worst part about going to a gay picnic? All the hotdogs taste like shut.

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Did you hear about the gay guy who got kicked off the golf course? He was playing with too many strokes.

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What do gay men call hemorrhoids? Speed Bumps.

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How do you get four queers on a bar stool? Turn it upside down.

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Did you hear about the 2 gay men that got into a fight in a bar? They were ejected for exchanging blows.

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How do you know if a police officer is gay? The smell of his mustache.

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How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
He spits on his partners back.

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How can you make a gay man scream twice? Fudge him real hard.

Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.

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I could never fight a gay guy.
I don't know how to start.
"I'm gonna beat your ass...
I mean I'm gonna f*ck you up... no, I mean I'm stick my foot so far up your ass.. no, not like that, I mean Fuck you, damn it, I give up

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What did one gay sperm say to another? "How do we find an egg in all of this shit?"

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Q: How do you know a gay guy has farted?
A: He needs to change his pants afterward.

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Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help.


One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker and the other is gay.
The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die.
So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist.
He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"

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Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? He got caught drinking on the job.

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Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None because they screw each other the dirty fucks.

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A gay says: "Dick has been made only for the ass; if it was suitable for pussy it should be made like an axe!

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Rudolph the well hung reindeer,
Had a great enormous cock,
All he could ever do with it, was beat it off inside a sock,
All of the female reindeer, Had pussies that were just too small,
Poor old well hung Rudolph, Could not get any sex at all,
Then one horny Christmas eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your cock so strong...
Fuck my arsehole all night long!"
Then all the reindeer loved him, A few of them were heard to say,
"Rudolph the well hung reindeer... You're so lucky Santa's gay"

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One day, a Sodomite went to his doctor's office to get an HIV blood test.


While there, his blood got drawn and he then left.
Two weeks later, he was back at his doctor's office in an examination room, waiting for the result of the HIV test.
Suddenly, his doctor walks into the examination room and says to the gay guy, "I'm awfully sorry to tell you that the test shows that you're definitely HIV positive."
The gay guy then asks the doctor, "So, what needs to be done now, doctor?"
The doctor says to the gay dude, "I want you to go home, sit down at your kitchen table and eat 20 hamburgers, 20 hot dogs, 20 pizzas, 20 bags of chips, and 20 gallons of ice cream."
The gay then asks his doctor, "How's doing all that gonna help me out with my HIV, doctor?"
The doctor then replied, "It's not gonna help you out with your HIV at all but it will definitely teach you what your asshole is really for."

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"Hey, I have a magic dildo for sale," he says.


"What? There's no such thing," she replied.
"No seriously, if you don't believe me try it out in the bathroom. All you have to say is 'magic dildo my pussy.'"
A bit skeptical she agrees and takes the dildo to the bathroom.
A few minutes later she comes out.
"Wow, that was great!" She says.
She ends up buying the dildo and leaves the store.
On the drive home she starts to feel a little frisky and figures why not try out the magic dildo.
Well she's really enjoying herself.
The car is swerving and she rolls through a red.
She ends up getting pulled over by a cop.
After she rolls down her window she tells him the whole story.
She explains about the magic dildo and the shop.
The cop says, "Magic dildo my ass."

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A couple of dirty Jew jokes...
Why don't Jews eat pussy?
too close to the gas chamber!

What to you call a gay Jew?
Hewblew!

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I want to make gay sex illegal!
So I can feel dirty when I do it.

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What did the gay man call his SO?
His right-hand man, cause he does the dirty work for him.

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If 2 guys are having sex and the house catches on fire.

Who gets out first, the guy on top or the guy on the bottom? The guy on the bottom cause he's already got his shit packed.

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What is a gay person's favorite desert on a hot day? Ass cream cones.

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A man asks a guy if he likes fishdicks, the stupid guy answers like this because he thinks that he said fishsticks so he says,
"Yes, I Love them."
Then the man asks him again and says "Do you like having them in your mouth?"
Then the stupid Guy answears like this "Yes I like them in my mouth says the stupid guy confused"
Then the man says "What are you, a gayfish?"

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What's the name of the latest gay sitcom? "Leave it, it's Beaver."

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A nun gets on a bus thats empty except for the driver.


She says "I'm going to die soon but I want to have sex before I die.Β Problem is I must remain a virgin so it has to be to ass. I can't commit adultery, so the man must be single.Can you fulfill my wish?"
"Yes" says the bus driver and fulfills her wish.
Feeling guilty he says "I'm sorry I lied, I'm married with 3 kids."
"Thats ok" replied the nun "I lied too."
"My name is Kevin and Im going to a fancy dress party."

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Two gays were at a dance.
As they were jigging about the floor with each other.
Two massive guys entered the hall 6 foot 6 20 stone and full of muscle One gay asked his mate "Is that the bouncers that have just come in?"
"No" grinned the other,"That's the raffle."

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I was lonely because I had no women... until I met a man who had no hands.

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Q: Why are gays so happy?
A: Becuase the luck does not have the courage turning back to them.

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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator.

It's about 10 feet long.
The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here.
It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator.
I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar.
Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth.
The alligator just keeps his mouth open.
After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

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I got our gay neighbour to ejaculate onto my dirty plate.
My wife told me to use Fairy Liquid.

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TOP LESBIAN JOKES THAT ARE DIRTY

Jokes about lesbian and homosexual women.

How do lesbians handle their liquor?
By the ears.
(Lick her)

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Lesbians can also take Viagra.
They don't have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.

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Q: What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?
A: Snap-on tools!

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Whats the difference between a hockey player and a lesbian? (Dirty joke)
Hockey players shower after three periods.

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Q: What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue?
A: Well hung.

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How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table has no balls.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

CONCLUSION

Best of 597 Dirty Jokes. Hilarious dirty one liners, really funny dirty jokes & puns. Some are about sex, women, wife, husband, gay or lesbian, while others are about food, doctors and money. Not appropriate for kids.

You've read some of the best dirty jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty dirty gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in January 2020.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these dirty jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Dirty jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Dirty joke? You are free to share every Dirty joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

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