Dirty Jokes

funny jokes about dirty and hilarious stories

BEST DIRTY JOKES

Dirty jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Dirty of all time along with the funniest dirty gags ever told.

My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke.
Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

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So I was walking home from the bar the other night..
And I came across this girl; dirty, disheveled, and curled up by the dumpster out back.

I took her home and bathed her. As I was toweling her down I became aroused.

One thing led to another and before you knew it we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor.

For one minute she was flailing so hard you would think she was still alive.

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Since we're posting dirty limericks now.....
There once was a man from St. Lou

Who gave his dear sister a screw.

He said with aplomb:

"You're better than Mom."

Said she: "That's what Dad told me too."

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Told to me by /u/hasseth

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Helium
Helium walks into a bar, where he sees Argon, Krypton, and Neon sitting at a table. They cast dirty looks in his direction. Neon stands up and shouts across the bar, "Get your ass out of here! You don't deserve to be a noble gas, and they won't serve your kind here!"

Helium does not react.

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Adhering to my strict religious beliefs, I asked the girl at the front desk if the porn channel in my room could be disabled.

She gave me a real dirty look and exclaimed: "We only have regular porn, you SICK FUCK!"

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When a man talks dirty to a woman...
The man is charged for sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, He's also charged $3.95 per minute.

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What's the difference between a dirty old bus station and a lobster with boobs?
One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

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I go to the butchers the other day,
and I say to the butcher, "Hi there, I'm looking for Dan. He told me he works for you."
The butcher says, "Not any more he doesn't. I fired him yesterday."
"You fired him? What for?"
"I caught him round back with his dick in the bacon slicer."
"He had his *dick* inside the bacon slicer?"
"Yeah. I fired her too, the dirty bitch."

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So there's this incest family...
and the daughter wants to take the car out for the evening. She asks her father for permission and he says "Sure honey, but you have to suck my dick before you can take it." This being a normal custom she says "Okay" and starts the process. As she's doing the dirty deed she complains to her dad that his dick tastes like shit, to which her dad replies, "That's right, I forgot your brother has the car tonight."

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I need your very best knock-knock Jokes, clean or dirty for a sport my friends and I play. It needs to be able to make a complete stranger laugh.

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LATEST DIRTY JOKES

I promised to stop making dirty jokes
But it's hard..so hard.

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Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

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bucket: a dirty limerick
A horny young Scout, with a bucket,
Caught a goose and proceeded to fuck it
Far too roughly (it died),
Took it home, had it fried,
'Cause he thought it'd wasteful to chuck it.

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Dirty Johnny's sitting in his kindergarten class, learning about the alphabet.
The teacher is having the students review. She asks the class, "What's something that starts with the letter A?"

Immediately several hands go up, including Dirty Johnny's. The teacher thinks, oh no, I can't call on Johnny, he'll say asshole or something like that. So she calls on Martha, and Martha answers apple.

Next, she asks if anyone can think of something that starts with B and again Johnny's hand goes up. The teacher thinks, well, I can't call on him, he'll say bitch or something like that. So instead, she calls on Davey, who answers basketball.

This goes on all the way down the alphabet, until finally the teacher gets to R. Only Johnny raises his hand. The teacher pauses for a minute, and nobody else raises their hand, but she thinks, oh, it should be fine, nothing really nasty starts with R anyway.

"Okay, Johnny, what's something that starts with R?"

"RATS, teacher, big motherfuckin' RATS, with three-foot cocks!"

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Why did the dirty chicken cross the road twice?
Because he's a dirty double crosser.

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There are two types of people in the world...
Those who pee in the shower and dirty feckin liars!

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Got any funny fortune cookie idea's?
I own a restaurant and I have extremely funny fortune cookies, but I'm running out of fortune ideas! Help me! I need some raunchy, dirty and insulting fortunes! Show me what you got and you could see them in a fortune cookie one day!

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Bath time
Wanna hear a clean joke?

Billy took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Bubbles was a clown...

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What do you call a necrophiliac cumshot [Dirty (obviously)]
Ice Cream

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A black man and a white man are crossing the golden gate bridge.
When both of them get the urge to take a wizz so they start urinating from the bridge.

The white man comments to the black man how dirty the water is to which the black man replies.

And cold too.

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Importance of Planning
Why planning is important?

One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

See below for the question paper.

Q.1. Your Nameโ€ฆโ€ฆ.. โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ
(2 MARKS)

Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)

a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right

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Want to hear a dirty joke?
How do you catch a girl...IN A BOOBIE TRAP!!!!!!

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My wife and I have two different styles when it comes to cooking.
Me, I like to clean as I go, "working clean." It takes a little longer to get the food done, but there's no mess to clean up.

My wife, on the other hand, does it the other way. She focuses on the cooking, leaving the dirty things to pile up, and then cleans them never.

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There's no such thing as a funny joke about white people...prove me wrong
I am equal opportunity when it comes to dirty and offensive jokes. Black jokes, Asian jokes whatever, I think they're funny. However, I have never actually found a white people joke that I've actually really, truly laughed at. Please post your best white people joke. Show me funny ones do exist.

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You guys wanna hear a dirty story.....
A horse fell in the mud.

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There was a deaf mute
who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap.

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Wine Taster!
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine A-4 pilot drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.

The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

"It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it, "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

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Dirty Assassin
So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

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I won the dirty joke contest at scout camp with this
What's the best thing about twenty-two year olds? There's twenty of them.

It's better said then written.

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What's the difference between a dirty old bus station and a lobster with boobs?
One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

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DIRTY JOKES THAT ARE...

Dirty jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Dirty short jokes, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke.
Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

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Adhering to my strict religious beliefs, I asked the girl at the front desk if the porn channel in my room could be disabled.

She gave me a real dirty look and exclaimed: "We only have regular porn, you SICK FUCK!"

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What's the difference between a dirty old bus station and a lobster with boobs?
One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

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I need your very best knock-knock Jokes, clean or dirty for a sport my friends and I play. It needs to be able to make a complete stranger laugh.

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I only have only one vice...
and that's to be screwed on top of my dirty workbench.

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There was a deaf mute
who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap.

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How many dub-step artists does it take to clean a bathtub?
100\. One to actually clean it, and 99 to talk about how dirty it is.

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What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?
Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.

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Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

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Why is Tigger always dirty?
Because he plays with Pooh

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BEST SEX JOKES

Some of the dirtiest jokes and pick up lines about sex.

Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

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Dirty old man
An old man was sitting on a bench when a teenager with a rainbow mohawk walked by. The old man stared at him. Seeing him star, the teenager said "What's the matter old-timer, never done anything crazy in your life?" The old man replied "Many years ago, I got drunk at a wild party and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering whether you were my son."

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What do you and your shower have in common? You both get wet when I turn you on.

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My girlfriend wants me to talk dirty during sex, but I feel weird swearing at a 12 year old.

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The teacher asked Johnny, "What is sex?"
Johnny stood up and said: "Sex is a temptation caused my a sensation where a boy sticks his location into a girls destination to increase the population of the next generation"
The teacher stared at him and fainted.

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Vagina - the box a penis comes in.

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Life is like oral sex, one slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

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Roses are red
violets are blue.
My dick has glue
I offer it to you.

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What's the difference between a mosquito and a woman?
When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.

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A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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BEST WOMEN JOKES

Dirty funny jokes about women most of which are sexual.

Women are like bathrooms stalls....
....they're all dirty, except the handicap ones -Jim Jeffries

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What's the difference between a mosquito and a woman?
When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.

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668 โ€“ The neighbour of the beast.

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Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A: A whore fucks everybody and a bitch fucks everybody but you.

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What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

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*My dad helping me find a gf*
Dad: What do you want most in a woman?
Me: My dick.


*Grounded and high fived*

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Q: Why do men fart louder than women?
A: because they have a microphone and two speakers.

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How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

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How do you fix a woman's watch? Why should you? There's a clock on the oven.

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A man walks into a clock shop where a beautiful woman is working.


He walks to the counter unzips his fly and pulls out his cock.
The woman screams "excuse me sir this is a CLOCK SHOP".
I know replied the man "I want two hands and a face put on this".

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BEST WIFE JOKES

Funny jokes about dirty wife most of which are about relationships and marriage.

A married couple is lying in bed. (SFW)
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".

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Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

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Smart Husband!!
>Husband Sent a text to wife at night,"Hi babe i will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure your prepare my favorite dish before i return"
He sent another text,"Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in salary at the end of month and I am getting you a new car"
She text back, "OMG Really?"
Husband replied, "No i just wanted to make sure you got my first message".

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A man and his wife have a baby.
As soon as they are leaving the hospital the baby poops and the wife tells her husband to change him.

A year passes and the woman keeps noticing how the baby looks less and less like them so she does a DNA test.

The test comes back and the woman runs to her husband screaming that the baby isn't theirs.

He replies "Don't you remember you told me to change him right before we left, so I brought the dirty one back and got a clean one."

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This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.


She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

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Q: Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A: Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

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Monday โ€“ a very, very, good day! The leaderโ€™s daughter lost.

We found her and all of us made sex with her.
Tuesday โ€“ a very, very, good day! The leader's wife lost. We found her and all of us made sex with her.
Wednesday โ€“ a very, very, very, very, very, very, bad day! ... I lost! โ€ฆ Now they're looking for me.

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Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, โ€œYouโ€™ll never believe it, dear, but Iโ€™ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.โ€
โ€œReally,โ€ said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. โ€œWhat is it?โ€
โ€œBack to back.โ€
โ€œBut thatโ€™s crazy. We canโ€™t do anything back to back.โ€
โ€œYes we can. Iโ€™ve persuaded another couple to help out.โ€

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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.


He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."

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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.


He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."...

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WHAT ARE DIRTY JOKES ABOUT?

Dirty is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about dirty.

Are Dirty jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring dirty joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read dirty jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with dirty jokes on YouTube.

TOP FOOD JOKES THAT ARE DIRTY

Jokes about food, whether it is breakfast, lunch, snack or dinner.

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance.

Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

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One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"
So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!

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What do tofu and dildos have in common? They're both meat substitutes.

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Q: What's long and hard and has cum in it?
A: Cucumber, dirty people.

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We're like hot chocolate and marshmallows...
You're hot and I wanna be on top of you.

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The problem with sex in the movies is, that the popcorn usually spills.

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How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!

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Your legs are like an Oreo Cookie - I wanna split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle.

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Why pay $5 at Subway when you can get this footlong for free?

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An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.


The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever.
People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."
The banana says "You think thats bad?
People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."
The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy.
You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"

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Wanna go on an 'ate' with me? I'll give you the 'D' later.

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Girl, you should sell hotdogs, because you already know how to make a wiener stand!

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My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing?
Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.

50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man.
"I want a cheese sandwich!"

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

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When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.

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One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

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Q: If Nuts on your chest are Chestnuts and Nuts on a wall are Walnuts.

What are Nuts on your chin called?
A: A Cock in the mouth!

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What's the difference between eggs and yourself? Eggs get laid and you don't.

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Do you sell hot dogs? Because you know how to make a wiener stand.

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My wife and I have two different styles when it comes to cooking.
Me, I like to clean as I go, "working clean." It takes a little longer to get the food done, but there's no mess to clean up.

My wife, on the other hand, does it the other way. She focuses on the cooking, leaving the dirty things to pile up, and then cleans them never.

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Sure, I love to cook, but that doesn't mean I'm against eating out.

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What's the only thing white girls swallow?
Starbucks.

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Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up?
Because I'd gladly put my meat inside you.

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Are your legs made of Nutella?
Because I'd love to spread them!

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A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.


The doctor says, โ€œI know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?โ€
The girl thought and then asked, โ€œDoc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?โ€

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What is the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't shoot down your throat at 40 miles per hour.

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You must work at subway...cause you're givin' me a foot long.

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What's the worst part about going to a gay picnic? All the hotdogs taste like shut.

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Q: Why do vegetarians give good head?
A: Beause they're used to eating nuts.

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Remember all those memories from being a kid, like the time you got in the van and realized the man didn't have any candy?

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Party host: Anyone here allergic to nuts? Because I like to rest mine on the table.

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Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."

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I can teach you how to handle a cucumber.

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This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney.


About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed.
He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief.
The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.
About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off.
The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."
Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before.
She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?"
Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.
"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.
Ian replied, "Pepper."

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A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.


She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.


The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'"
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Wellโ€ฆ?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6โ€™2, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my Godโ€ฆ'"

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A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts.

Told her I like shaved vagina and anal. Apparently, this isn't an appropriate answer at KFC.

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That moment when you notice that one fork isn't really very clean when you're laying the table and you have to decide which family member you like the least.

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies:
"The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

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What have a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery driver got in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.

50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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A young fellow went to a Jewish Doctor and told the doctor he was worried because he could not get an erection.
Whereupon the doctor told him to eat Jewish Rye Bread.
So on his way home, the young man stopped a Jewish Bakery and asked for 25 Loaves of Rye Bread.
The Baker said "25 Loaves? It will get hard before you get rid of it."
Whereupon the patient in excitement said "Give me 50 loaves."

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While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the manโ€™s balls.


To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. โ€œHowโ€™s your sex life?โ€ asked the doctor.
โ€œPretty good,โ€ the man said, to the doctorโ€™s obvious relief.
But then the patient added, โ€œIโ€™ve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.โ€
โ€œWhatโ€™s that?โ€ the doctor asked anxiously.
โ€œWell, every time I urinate, my eyes water.โ€
โ€œHmm,โ€ said the doctor, thoughtfully.
โ€œThatโ€™s not all,โ€ continued the patient. โ€œWhen my wife does me orally, she gets heartburn.โ€
โ€œHmm,โ€ said the doctor, as his face reddened.
โ€œIt gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger standโ€ฆ.I get an erection!โ€

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A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant.


In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food.
He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirty meal," and walks out.
The waiter watches the guy go into a whorehouse.
The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in p**sy.
The waiter says, "You eat p**sy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti."
The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this p**sy, I'm not paying for it either."

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A man walks into his doctor's office and whines, "Doc, you've got to help me;

I've got a strawberry stuck up my ass."
The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, "I've got cream for that!"

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Q: What's the difference between jelly and jam?
A: I can't jelly my dick a baby's throat.

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Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "

what things we can eat?"
"Bread"
"Yes"
"Hamburger"
"Ok"
A five years girl answered "Light",
"Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?"
"Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".

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Q: Do you know what happends with a nigger if he sticks up 12 varningssigns in his ass?
A: He becomes a toblerone!

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A woman asks an agriculturalist: "

Please, tell me what shall I do? I have a garden but nothing grows there, like flowers or vegetables."
The agriculturalist says: "You know, it is to dung the garden with a good fertilizer."
The woman says: "And wouldnยดt it be better to plant the vegetables directly into the ass?"

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Dad tries to persuade his son to eat the egg he has prepared for him:
"Eat your egg my child to become as big as daddy!"
"I do not want," says the little one.
"Eat it my boy to become strong and powerful."
"Iโ€™m telling you, no!" insists the youngest.
"My dear son eat your egg to make your bird grow."
And the mom from the inside "George, you eat the eggโ€ฆ Iโ€™ll make burgers for the kid!"

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TOP DOCTOR JOKES THAT ARE DIRTY

Jokes about dirty doctors mostly about women.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

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Patient: "Iโ€™m in a hospital! Why am I in here?"
Doctor: "Youโ€™ve had an accident involving a bus."
Patient: "What happened?"
Doctor: "Well, Iโ€™ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them."
Patient: "Thatโ€™s terrible! Whatโ€™s the good news?"
Doctor: "Thereโ€™s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."

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Doctor: "You need to stop masturbating."
Patient: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I would like to start the exam."

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A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time and is awfully nervous.


When the doctor comes into the examining room, he notices immediately that she's very tense.
"Listen, dear. I know this must be scary for you. Do you want me to give you some thing to numb you down there?"
The girl doesn't say anything, but just nods her head yes.
So the doctor removes her underwear, puts his mouth in her crotch.
"Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb..."

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Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
A: Wet noses.

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My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.

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A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.


The doctor says, โ€œI know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?โ€
The girl thought and then asked, โ€œDoc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?โ€

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A man went to the doctorโ€™s office to get a double dose of Viagra.


The doctor told him that he couldnโ€™t allow him a double dose.
โ€œWhy not?โ€ asked the man.
โ€œBecause itโ€™s not safe,โ€ replied the doctor.
โ€œBut I need it really bad,โ€ said the man.
โ€œWell, why do you need it so badly?โ€ asked the doctor.
The man said, โ€œMy girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Canโ€™t you see? I must have a double dose.โ€
The doctor finally relented saying, โ€œOkay, Iโ€™ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.โ€

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, โ€œWhat happened to you?โ€
The man said, โ€œNo one showed up.โ€

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A pregnant woman is about to give birth.


The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.
Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.
Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, โ€œAre you my dad?โ€.
The doctor says, โ€œNo, I am your doctor!โ€.
With that, the baby pops right back inside.
โ€œDamn!โ€, says the doctor.
A short while later he sees the head push through again.
โ€œAre you my dad?โ€, asks the baby.
โ€œNo, I am your doctor.โ€, he replies.
Once again the baby vanishes back into his motherโ€™s womb.
The doctor turns to a nurse and says, โ€œNurse, get that babyโ€™s father in here right awayโ€“we may have a situation on our hands!โ€.
Moments later the babyโ€™s father is in the delivery room, and the babyโ€™s head once again pops out.
โ€œAre you my dad?โ€, the baby asks of the father.
The father replies, โ€œYes, little baby, I am your father!โ€
The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index fingerโ€“โ€How do you like that?โ€

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A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girlโ€™s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, โ€œYou must be a dentistโ€
The guy, surprised, says โ€œYesโ€ฆhow did you figure that out?โ€
The girl says, โ€œEasyโ€ฆ you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they were done, the girl says, โ€œYou must be a great dentist.โ€
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, โ€œYes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?โ€
The girl says, โ€œEasyโ€ฆ I didnโ€™t feel a thing!โ€

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While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the manโ€™s balls.


To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. โ€œHowโ€™s your sex life?โ€ asked the doctor.
โ€œPretty good,โ€ the man said, to the doctorโ€™s obvious relief.
But then the patient added, โ€œIโ€™ve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.โ€
โ€œWhatโ€™s that?โ€ the doctor asked anxiously.
โ€œWell, every time I urinate, my eyes water.โ€
โ€œHmm,โ€ said the doctor, thoughtfully.
โ€œThatโ€™s not all,โ€ continued the patient. โ€œWhen my wife does me orally, she gets heartburn.โ€
โ€œHmm,โ€ said the doctor, as his face reddened.
โ€œIt gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger standโ€ฆ.I get an erection!โ€

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A doctor from the inner city was conversing with an old friend from med school at a cafe when he said, "Man, can I tell you something?"
His friend nods. "Sure."
"Okay, so the other day I had this one really hot, foreign patient, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since..."
He goes on to tell his friend everything about her, from her long blond hair and ability to speak fluent French, to her shimmering blue eyes and soft skin.
His friend seemed more disgusted with each passing moment.
"Dude, that is not cool."
The doctor, indignant, defended himself.
"What's wrong with that? Lots of doctors are attracted to their patients."
His friend simply shook his head and replied, "Maybe, but I guarantee you none of those doctors were pediatricians..."

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A man goes to the doctor about the size if his penis.


He says to the doctor "My penis is too small."
Doctor gives the man some medicine, says "Drink this everytime you bump into something your penis will grow an inch."
So the man thanks the doctor and leaves.
He drinks the medicine on his way home he bumps into a lampot so his penis grew an inch.
Just a little further down the road he bumps into an Indian guy.
A thousand apologies, he penis grows one thousand inches, baffled by his extra long penis he decides to paint it red, hite and blue, and wrapped it round his neck, he decides to go to the cinema, he was watching a dirty movie, sat on the top of the row of seats, all of a sudden this voice comes on the speaker.
"Can the man with the red white and blue scarf stop chucking ice cream to the people below?"

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A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina.


In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.
When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out."
The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50.
After a long pause, the couple agreed.
The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in.
After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hell is going on?"
The doctor says, "Change of plans I'm going to drown the bastard."

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A woman came to his doctor with a left knee that was shot through.


The doctor asked her: "What does it mean? Why did you shoot accurately your left knee?"
The woman tells him only: "Sorry, but, you doctor, have told me that the heart is located two thumbs under my left breast."

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A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.


The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said.
"Now you have to remove them."

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Patient: "Doc, recently I've been very careless."
Doc: "How? Give me an example."
Patient: "Now I'm speaking with you, it seems that I'm talking to my dick."

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A man walks into his doctor's office and whines, "Doc, you've got to help me;

I've got a strawberry stuck up my ass."
The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, "I've got cream for that!"

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The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.


"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"Thatโ€™s not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

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A lady says to the psychiatrist, "

I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"

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What have a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery driver got in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.

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One day, a Sodomite went to his doctor's office to get an HIV blood test.


While there, his blood got drawn and he then left.
Two weeks later, he was back at his doctor's office in an examination room, waiting for the result of the HIV test.
Suddenly, his doctor walks into the examination room and says to the gay guy, "I'm awfully sorry to tell you that the test shows that you're definitely HIV positive."
The gay guy then asks the doctor, "So, what needs to be done now, doctor?"
The doctor says to the gay dude, "I want you to go home, sit down at your kitchen table and eat 20 hamburgers, 20 hot dogs, 20 pizzas, 20 bags of chips, and 20 gallons of ice cream."
The gay then asks his doctor, "How's doing all that gonna help me out with my HIV, doctor?"
The doctor then replied, "It's not gonna help you out with your HIV at all but it will definitely teach you what your asshole is really for."

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The pregnancy report of Santuโ€™s wife came.


Doctor said, "Oh, nothing to get excited, it was just the gas problem."
Santu looks up at the sky towards the God and says, "Lord, What have you given me, a penis or an Air Pump."

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Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.

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A young fellow went to a Jewish Doctor and told the doctor he was worried because he could not get an erection.
Whereupon the doctor told him to eat Jewish Rye Bread.
So on his way home, the young man stopped a Jewish Bakery and asked for 25 Loaves of Rye Bread.
The Baker said "25 Loaves? It will get hard before you get rid of it."
Whereupon the patient in excitement said "Give me 50 loaves."

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Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help.


One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker and the other is gay.
The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die.
So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist.
He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"

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Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. Iโ€™m a month overdue. I think weโ€™re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we canโ€™t tell anybody.โ€

The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
โ€œAm I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?โ€
โ€œYes. Speaking.โ€
AEC guy, โ€œYouโ€™re a month overdue, you know!โ€
โ€œHow do YOU know?โ€ stammers the young woman.
โ€œWell, maโ€™am, itโ€™s in our files!โ€ says the AEC guy.
โ€œWhat are you saying? Itโ€™s in your files. HOW?โ€
โ€œYes. We have a system of finding out whoโ€™s overdue.โ€
โ€œGOD! This is too much.โ€
โ€œMadam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.โ€
โ€œI know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.โ€
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
โ€œWhatโ€™s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?โ€ the husband shouts.
โ€œJust calm down,โ€ says the lady at the reception at AEC, โ€œItโ€™s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.โ€
โ€œPAY you? And if I refuse?โ€
โ€œWell, in that case, sir, weโ€™d have no option but to cut yours off.โ€
โ€œAnd what would my wife do then?โ€ the husband asks.
โ€œI donโ€™t know. I guess sheโ€™d have to use a candle.

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A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.
Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"
"We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

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A woman and baby are in the doctors surgery, the doc is concerned about the babys weight, "Is he bottle fed or breast fed?
The woman replies, "Breast fed."
The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts.
He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while ...
"No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk."
Woman replies, "I know, Im his granny ... but Im glad I came!"

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โ€œDoc, I think my son has VD,โ€ a patient told his urologist on the phone, โ€œThe only woman heโ€™s screwed is our maid.โ€
โ€œOkay, donโ€™t be hard on him. Heโ€™s just a kid,โ€ the medic soothed, โ€œGet him in here right away and Iโ€™ll take care of him.โ€
โ€œBut Iโ€™ve been screwing the maid too, and Iโ€™ve got the same symptoms he has.โ€
โ€œThen you come in with him and Iโ€™ll fix you both up,โ€ replied the doctor.
โ€œWell,โ€ the man admitted, โ€œI think my wife has it too.โ€
โ€œOh crap!โ€ the physician roared, โ€œThat means weโ€™ve all got it!โ€

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.


The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
He asked her, โ€œDo you know what Iโ€™m doing?โ€
โ€œYes,โ€ she replied, โ€œyouโ€™re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.โ€
โ€œThat is right,โ€ said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
โ€œDo you know what Iโ€™m doing now?โ€ he asked.
โ€œYes,โ€ the woman said, โ€œyouโ€™re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.โ€
โ€œCorrect,โ€ replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, โ€œDo you know what Iโ€™m doing now?โ€
โ€œYes,โ€ she said. โ€œYouโ€™re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!โ€

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TOP MONEY JOKES THAT ARE DIRTY

Jokes about spending money on birthdays, celebrations or stupid occasions.

What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?
Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.

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Hey, you wanna do a 68?
You go down on me, and I'll owe you one.

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Women are like swimming pools โ€“ they cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time you spend inside.

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This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.


She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

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Why pay $5 at Subway when you can get this footlong for free?

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If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment.

If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.

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An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking.


"Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"How do you turn them off?"

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Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.

50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man.
"I want a cheese sandwich!"

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Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

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A man and a woman meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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Why do Gay men pay such high car insurance? Because they are always getting creamed from behind!

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

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Q: Why is a blood bank more profitable than a sperm bank?
A: The sperm is handmade.

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I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "

1 dollar for dirty joke."
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"
Me: "John"
Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have."
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: "I don't know? A lot?"
Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A guy walks into a bar with a four-foot crocodile on a leash, following him like a dog.


The barman says gruffly: "No pets allowed here!"
The guy says, "But this is a trained crocodile. See what it can do!"
He sets the crocodile on a table and hits it on both ears.
The crocodile opens its jaws wide.
The guy unzips his pants, puts his pecker into the crocodile's jaws and hits the crocodile on the ears again.
The crocodile closes its jaws leaving just one-inch space, not touching the man's pecker.
Everybody in the bar is very impressed.
To build upon it, the guy declares: "I give a hundred dollars to anyone who does it!"
But everybody is afraid to - understandably, each would rather have an undamaged pecker than a hundred dollars.
Finally, a man wearing a pink suit, with an earring in one ear, says in an effeminate voice:
"I think I can do it!"
Everybody admires him, "What a brave man you are!"
The man continues, to the guy: "Just don't hit me so hard on the ears!"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million.
The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect.
After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study.
The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies.
So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Wise Golfer
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that sheโ€™ll become a hooker.


Sheโ€™s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, โ€œStand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, Iโ€™ll be parked around the corner.โ€
Sheโ€™s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, โ€œHow much?โ€
She says, โ€œA hundred dollars.โ€
He says, โ€œAll I got is thirtyโ€.
She says, โ€œHold on,โ€ and runs back to Harry and asks, โ€œWhat can he get for thirty?โ€
โ€œA hand jobโ€, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
He agrees.
She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE...
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, โ€œIโ€™ll be right back.โ€
She runs back to Harry, and asks, โ€œCan you loan this guy seventy bucks?โ€

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Q: What is the difference between your cock, and your bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A guy walks in the local whorehouse, says "

I want the cheapest one you got, I don't have much money."
The guy behind the counter says "How bout the $1.95 cent special?"
The customer says "ok", and he paid, headed to the room.
When he opened the door, he found this beautiful broad spread out, just waiting for him.
He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her.
Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears.
He freaked, "omg she's sick."
He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happe ning, and the guy says "hey Joe! The dead one's full again!"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Kamasutra says:
If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one.


And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

There are hundred holes in in my wife's body;

one of them is filled by my dick and the 99 others has been filled by money.

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.


"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"Thatโ€™s not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Insurance companies are trying to set new guidelines before approving Viagra coverage.


What will they use to set those guidelines?
A growth chart.

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

two nuns are painting a room
their doing it to help save money, they belong to a poor catholic church. one of the nuns looks at the other and says

"we should take off our robes so we don't get them dirty with paint"

the other nun agrees and they take off their robes panting naked now when suddenly there is a knock on the door

"who is it?"

asked one of the nuns and voice replied

"the blind man"

the nuns looked at each other and one says

"well he's a blind man he can't see anything"

so they open the door and in walks a man, he looks at the two women and says

"nice tits where do you want me to hang these?"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "

I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.


They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
โ€œI really should have mentioned this earlier, but Iโ€™m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.โ€
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driverโ€™s seat looking out the window.
โ€œWhy arenโ€™t we going anywhere?โ€ asked the girl.
โ€œWell, I should have mentioned this before, but Iโ€™m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25โ€ฆโ€

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

There are a hundred holes in the body of a woman;

one of them would be filled with a penis and 99 others could be filled with money.

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.

50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.


"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."
A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y.
The boots are sucked right in.
He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in.
He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in.
Inside he hears noises.
"Is someone else in here?" he asks.
"Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says.
"Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says.
"Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.


She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"ย 
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A man is in Vegas where he lost all of his money so he can't pay for a cab to return to the airport.


He sees a cab and begs the driver to give him a free ride to the airport but the cab driver declines.
The next year the man returns to Vegas and get filthy rich when he decides to leave for the airport.
There is a huge line of cabs, and at the very end of this line was the very driver who never gave him a ride the previous year.
The man walks up to the front cab "Excuse me, sir if you give me a free ride to the airport I'll let you give me a handjob."
The driver declines immediately.
The man then asks all the drivers in this line the same thing.
When he gets to the last driver, he pays the fee and the cab driver begins moving, when he moved by the line, the man puts two thumbs up through the window so all the other drivers could see.

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

George meets a genie in the street, which tells him to make a wish and it will make it true.


"I want to pee whiskey," he says.
โ€œBut are you sure? You can ask for money, wealth, anything you want."
"No I want to pee whiskey."
The genie thinks what can it do, it makes his wish true.
George goes home, calls his wife, Sue: "Woman, get nuts and two glasses."
Curious she was, she brings them.
"What do you want them? She asks him. Once we donโ€™t have any drinks."
From now on, we will both have as much whiskey as we want, says to her.
And really he fills the two glasses with whiskey.
They clink, drink one, drink two drinks, make some fun โ€ฆ and play a little game.

The other night the same happen.
"Woman, bring two glasses and nuts."
So they spend their evenings.

One night, however, the scene changed.
"Woman, bring nuts and a cup."
"A, for one?"
"You will drink from the bottle today."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.


She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run a few errands and leaves his employee in charge.


A woman comes in and wants to purchase a dildo.
She looks at the shelf behind the register.
"How much for the white one?"
"$10."
"How much for the black one?"
"$20."
She buys the white one.
A little later , another woman comes in and also wants to buy a dildo.
After asking the clerk for prices, she decides on the black one.
A third lady comes in for a dildo.
She checks the price of the white one , the black one and asks about the plaid one.
She makes her purchase and leaves.The proprietor returns and asks how things went.
"Great! I sold a white one, a black one, and I got thirty buck for your thermos!"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.


The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, heโ€™s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a ยฃ5.00 note.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...youโ€™re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; itโ€™s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another ยฃ5.00 note.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin."
At this stage the priest decides to take action.
"Tommy," he says, "thatโ€™s twice youโ€™ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"
"Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

TOP HUSBAND JOKES THAT ARE DIRTY

Funny jokes about dirty husband most of which are about relationships and marriage

Husband comes home and says:
Husband comes home and says:
- Honey, I invited a friend to have dinner with us today.
Screaming she replies:
- What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I did not buy any groceries, the dishes are dirty and I'm not in the mood to cook anything special.
- I know.
- So why did you invited him?
- Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Smart Husband!!
>Husband Sent a text to wife at night,"Hi babe i will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure your prepare my favorite dish before i return"
He sent another text,"Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in salary at the end of month and I am getting you a new car"
She text back, "OMG Really?"
Husband replied, "No i just wanted to make sure you got my first message".

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A man and his wife have a baby.
As soon as they are leaving the hospital the baby poops and the wife tells her husband to change him.

A year passes and the woman keeps noticing how the baby looks less and less like them so she does a DNA test.

The test comes back and the woman runs to her husband screaming that the baby isn't theirs.

He replies "Don't you remember you told me to change him right before we left, so I brought the dirty one back and got a clean one."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

An old lady went to visit her dentist.


When it was her turn she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants and raised her legs.
The dentist said: "Excuse me; I 'm not a gynecologist."
"I know," said the old lady "I want you to take my husband's teeth out."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

There were three women sitting at a bar, talking about how loose they were.


One woman said that her husband could fit his arm in up to his elbow.
The next woman said her man could fit his leg in up to his knee.
The last woman just slid over the bar stool.

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

On the other day in a cemetery, I saw a woman who was rubbing her ass to a grave.


When I asked the reason, she answered: "It was my husband when he was alive; always he told me: 'Your ass is so sweet whenever any dead man touches it he'll be alive!'"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

After 20 years of marriage, a wife finds out that her husband had been f*cking her for the past 20 years with a dildo!
she is so angry she asks her husband to "Explain the dildo".
The husband replies "explain the kids?!"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Q: What book do women like the most?
A: "Their husbands checkbook!"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Dirty joke!! -being a perv is what I do-
So a woman and her boyfriend are driving through the countryside when their car breaks down. They manage to move it to the side of the road, but not much further. For an hour or two, they wait for someone to drive by and help them, but after a while they become bored and get it on.
However, at one point, their car starts to shake so much ( ;-] ) that it rolls over.
The woman can get out, but her husband is trapped.
"Go get help!" He says.
"But I'm not covered!" She replies.
The man reaches for a shoe within his reach."Here. Cover your bottom half with my shoe."
So she takes it and runs, eventually coming across a bus station.
She runs up to a bus driver, clothing the shoe over her private area.
"You've got to help me! My husband is stuck!" The bus driver looks her over, and laughs lightly.
"Sorry, lady. I think he's already too far in."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Two Indian Woman..
So theres two Indian woman in the garden and their picking carrots. The first woman pulls a big long carrot out of the dirt and mud and says "Woah! This reminds me of my husband." the second woman replies "Really?! Ots that big?" the first woman bursts out with laughter. The second woman asks why shes laughing. The first woman replies with "i didn't mean its that big!! I meant it's that dirty!"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.


The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me, I am celebrating."ย 
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.ย 
As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence!" said the man.ย 
"I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different ****," he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.


The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said.
"Now you have to remove them."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

They were three men discussing how to make their wives to tell them if they cheated on them.


The first guy says: "I go home after work at night, lie on the couch, turn on the television and ask: 'Woman you cheated on me today!'
'Who, me my husband? Could I ever do such a thing?'
Pissed off as I am, I get up, put her down, punch her and in the end she canโ€™t take it anymore and admits: 'I cheated on you with Nickโ€ฆ'"
The secong guy says: "I do exactly the same thing. I punch her and finally she says: 'I cheated on you with Jakeโ€ฆ'"
The third guy says: "I have no problem at all. I go home, undress, put the sweat pants on, light my cigarette on, I go out to the balcony, see the neighbor spreading clothes and shout at her: 'Mary! You are a whore!'
And then she starts saying: 'Iโ€™m a whore? Or your wife who sleeps with John, Mark, Peterโ€ฆ!'"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, โ€œWife, weโ€™re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.โ€
The wife grimaces, โ€œBut I donโ€™t like fishing!โ€
โ€œLook! Weโ€™re going fishing and thatโ€™s final.โ€
โ€œDo I have to go fishing with youโ€ฆ I really donโ€™t want to go!โ€
โ€œRight Iโ€™ll give you three choicesโ€ฆ 1 You come fishing with me and the dogโ€ฆ 2 You give me a BLOW JOBโ€ฆ. 3 or you take it up the ass!โ€
The wife grimaces again, โ€œBut I donโ€™t want to do any of those things!โ€
โ€œWife Iโ€™ve given you three options.. Youโ€™ll HAVE to do one of them! Iโ€™m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!โ€
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, โ€œWell! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?โ€
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, โ€œO.K. Iโ€™ll give you a blow job!โ€
โ€œGreat!โ€ He says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business.
Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, โ€œOh! It tastes absolutely disgustingโ€ฆ It tastes all shitty!โ€
โ€œYes!โ€ says her husband โ€œThe dog didnโ€™t want to go fishing either.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

That famous dirty joje from family guy.
A bride-to-be is stressing out because her wedding night is coming up soon, and she is not a virgin but her future husband believes she is. She asks her friends what to do when one says, "Okay, here's what you do. Go to the store and buy some liver, stick it up there, and everything will be nice and tight and your husband will never know.
So the bride-to-be follows the advice and they engage in wild, crazy sex all night all over the house. But when she wakes up in the morning, the bride finds a note on her pillow that reads,
"Dearest, I'm sorry, but I don't think things will work between us. I had a great time, but this just won't work, sorry. P.S.-- Your vagina's in the sink."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy.
Besides it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate.
The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace.


He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.
Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.
He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub.
She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub."
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a virgin and to never had been with a woman all of his life.
After some years of pointless searching, she didnโ€™t found anyone with this description and forced to give an ad to the paper.

A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately.
On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick fresh up and then went back to the bedroom, happy.
When she entered the room she stood steal...
She saw her husband naked to the center of the room and all the furniture on the corner of the room.
"But.. What happened?" asked the woman obviously shocked.
"Look.. Iโ€™ve never been with a woman, but if itโ€™s the same as with the kangaroo, then Iโ€™ll need the whole room to catch you!"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

โ€œHoneyโ€, says the wife to her husband, โ€œlast night I had the most AMAZING dream.

.I dreamed that we were making love and next to our bed there was a black man from Africa who was waving a fan to us and that gave me great satisfaction..โ€
The couple decided to make the dream come true, so they found a black man and offered him 200 euros to wave the fan to them while they made love.
The three of them went home and the couple started having sex while the black man was waving the fan.
But still the wife couldnโ€™t get any satisfaction..So she proposed that they should change roles.
She would make love with the black man and the husband would wave the fan next to them.
The husband accepted and started waving the fanโ€ฆ

After a while, the wife screamed of pleasure and asked for more!
So the husband said to the black man: โ€œDo you understand now how you should wave the fan, you ashole?โ€

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.


The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.


Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, โ€œMary. Mary.โ€
โ€œIs that you, Fred?โ€
โ€œYes, Iโ€™ve come back like we agreed.โ€
โ€œWhatโ€™s it like?โ€
โ€œWell, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.โ€
โ€œOh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.โ€
โ€œNot exactly, Iโ€™m a sheep in Wales.โ€

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The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.


โ€œIโ€™m ashamed to bring this up,โ€ he said, โ€œbut the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.โ€
The woman was shocked. โ€œSuch a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.โ€
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, โ€œHeโ€™s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him itโ€™s not a big dealโ€ฆ just a sample.โ€
She thought a minute. โ€œA pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I donโ€™t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.

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TOP GAY JOKES THAT ARE DIRTY

Jokes about gays and homosexual men.

Three guys.
A gay man, a robber, and a pedophile are in heaven. God says, "If you commit one unjust act, you will descend to Hell." So the pedophile is walking along on the sidewalk and sees a little girl. He thinks dirty things and POOF, down to Hell. The gay man and the robber are walking along on the sidewalk and the robber spots a quarter lying on the ground. The robber bends over to grab the quarter and POOF, they're both in Hell.

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simple joke (but dirty)
what's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?
a fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out

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Hear about the new drug for lesbians? Trycocksagain.

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Why did God create gay men? So fat girls could dance.

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My dad used to always warn me about anal. He would say "Now son, this may hurt a bit".

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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong ...

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Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.

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Johny is the first day in jail in the cell with one mighty and a crazy prisoner and this crazy prisoner tells Johny: "You probably do not know that on the first day must every new prisoner must pass over the so-called welcomeยดs ceremonial. Ok, so I ask you directly. Do you want it with cream or without the cream?"
Johny says: "I want it with creme, of course."
The crazy prisoner yells and says: "Cremo, come here, please."

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Why do gay men fake orgasms? Because they will be in deep shit if they don't!

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Q: How do u call an gay Indian guy.
A: Indi-anus

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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does itโ€ฆ He's gay, definitely gay.

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How much semen does a gay guy have? A butt load.

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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? My pad or yours?

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Two condoms walk into a gay bar, look at each other and say "let's get shit-faced!"

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Q: What do gay guys have in common with bungee jumpers?
A: If the rubber breaks, they're in deep shit!

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My gay friend got fired from the sperm bank because they caught him drinking on the job.

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Why did the octapus? Because the seaweed.

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Why do Gay men pay such high car insurance? Because they are always getting creamed from behind!

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Q: Why did they make glow in the dark condoms?
A: So gay guys can play star wars.

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How do you get four queers on a bar stool? Turn it upside down.

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Q: What do a gay and a garbage truck have in common?
A: Both take it in the rear.

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Did you hear about the gay guy that's on the patch?
He's down to four butts a day.

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When two men have sex what position are they going to be in?
But what about when two dogs have sex?
That means that the two men are having sex doggy style then what ways are the dogs having sex?
That means that the dogs are having an affair with the men to have sex doggy style.

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What's the worst part about going to a gay picnic? All the hotdogs taste like shut.

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Did you hear about the gay guy who got kicked off the golf course? He was playing with too many strokes.

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What do gay men call hemorrhoids? Speed Bumps.

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How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
He spits on his partners back.

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Did you hear about the 2 gay men that got into a fight in a bar? They were ejected for exchanging blows.

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How do you know if a police officer is gay? The smell of his mustache.

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One day a Jew was giving an Asian a blowjob, then, the Asian said do you have homework.


The Jew said no and they continued the blowjob.
Adam was waiting outside for a long time before he decided to walk in.
He walked in to find the Jew getting it up the bum.
Adam decided he wanted to get some action too, so he walked up and took a swing at the Asian.
The Asian died and then the Jew yelled Aluakbah and bombed everyone.
Note: they were all boys.

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How can you make a gay man scream twice? Fudge him real hard.

Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.

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I could never fight a gay guy.
I don't know how to start.
"I'm gonna beat your ass...
I mean I'm gonna f*ck you up... no, I mean I'm stick my foot so far up your ass.. no, not like that, I mean Fuck you, damn it, I give up

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What did one gay sperm say to another? "How do we find an egg in all of this shit?"

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A man asks a guy if he likes fishdicks, the stupid guy answers like this because he thinks that he said fishsticks so he says,
"Yes, I Love them."
Then the man asks him again and says "Do you like having them in your mouth?"
Then the stupid Guy answears like this "Yes I like them in my mouth says the stupid guy confused"
Then the man says "What are you, a gayfish?"

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Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? He got caught drinking on the job.

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Q: How do you know a gay guy has farted?
A: He needs to change his pants afterward.

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A nun gets on a bus thats empty except for the driver.


She says "I'm going to die soon but I want to have sex before I die.ย Problem is I must remain a virgin so it has to be to ass. I can't commit adultery, so the man must be single.Can you fulfill my wish?"
"Yes" says the bus driver and fulfills her wish.
Feeling guilty he says "I'm sorry I lied, I'm married with 3 kids."
"Thats ok" replied the nun "I lied too."
"My name is Kevin and Im going to a fancy dress party."

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Rudolph the well hung reindeer,
Had a great enormous cock,
All he could ever do with it, was beat it off inside a sock,
All of the female reindeer, Had pussies that were just too small,
Poor old well hung Rudolph, Could not get any sex at all,
Then one horny Christmas eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your cock so strong...
Fuck my arsehole all night long!"
Then all the reindeer loved him, A few of them were heard to say,
"Rudolph the well hung reindeer... You're so lucky Santa's gay"

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One day, a Sodomite went to his doctor's office to get an HIV blood test.


While there, his blood got drawn and he then left.
Two weeks later, he was back at his doctor's office in an examination room, waiting for the result of the HIV test.
Suddenly, his doctor walks into the examination room and says to the gay guy, "I'm awfully sorry to tell you that the test shows that you're definitely HIV positive."
The gay guy then asks the doctor, "So, what needs to be done now, doctor?"
The doctor says to the gay dude, "I want you to go home, sit down at your kitchen table and eat 20 hamburgers, 20 hot dogs, 20 pizzas, 20 bags of chips, and 20 gallons of ice cream."
The gay then asks his doctor, "How's doing all that gonna help me out with my HIV, doctor?"
The doctor then replied, "It's not gonna help you out with your HIV at all but it will definitely teach you what your asshole is really for."

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Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None because they screw each other the dirty fucks.

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What is a gay person's favorite desert on a hot day? Ass cream cones.

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Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help.


One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker and the other is gay.
The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die.
So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist.
He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"

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What's the name of the latest gay sitcom? "Leave it, it's Beaver."

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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator.

It's about 10 feet long.
The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here.
It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator.
I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar.
Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth.
The alligator just keeps his mouth open.
After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

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If 2 guys are having sex and the house catches on fire.

Who gets out first, the guy on top or the guy on the bottom? The guy on the bottom cause he's already got his shit packed.

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Two gays were at a dance.
As they were jigging about the floor with each other.
Two massive guys entered the hall 6 foot 6 20 stone and full of muscle One gay asked his mate "Is that the bouncers that have just come in?"
"No" grinned the other,"That's the raffle."

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I was lonely because I had no women... until I met a man who had no hands.

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A gay says: "Dick has been made only for the ass; if it was suitable for pussy it should be made like an axe!

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"Hey, I have a magic dildo for sale," he says.


"What? There's no such thing," she replied.
"No seriously, if you don't believe me try it out in the bathroom. All you have to say is 'magic dildo my pussy.'"
A bit skeptical she agrees and takes the dildo to the bathroom.
A few minutes later she comes out.
"Wow, that was great!" She says.
She ends up buying the dildo and leaves the store.
On the drive home she starts to feel a little frisky and figures why not try out the magic dildo.
Well she's really enjoying herself.
The car is swerving and she rolls through a red.
She ends up getting pulled over by a cop.
After she rolls down her window she tells him the whole story.
She explains about the magic dildo and the shop.
The cop says, "Magic dildo my ass."

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Q: Why are gays so happy?
A: Becuase the luck does not have the courage turning back to them.

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TOP LESBIAN JOKES THAT ARE DIRTY

Jokes about lesbian and homosexual women.

How do lesbians handle their liquor?
By the ears.
(Lick her)

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Lesbians can also take Viagra.
They don't have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.

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Q: What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?
A: Snap-on tools!

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Whats the difference between a hockey player and a lesbian? (Dirty joke)
Hockey players shower after three periods.

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Q: What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue?
A: Well hung.

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How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table has no balls.

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Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

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CONCLUSION

Best of 597 Dirty Jokes. Hilarious dirty one liners, really funny dirty jokes & puns. Some are about sex, women, wife, husband, gay or lesbian, while others are about food, doctors and money. Not appropriate for kids.

You've read some of the best dirty jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of puns about dirty. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty dirty gags to your kids.

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