Dirt Jokes
106 dirt jokes and hilarious dirt puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dirt that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Dirt Short Jokes
Short dirt jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dirt humour may include short dust jokes also.
- I was almost upset that my coffee tasted like dirt today but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
- My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today "It tastes like dirt!"
I told him it was just ground this morning. - If you think your microwave spying on you is bad... Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
- When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive... It's a good thing my brother told me about it
- Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you. Your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
- Nun joke Two nuns were bicycling down an old dirt road on the countryside. One nun says, "I've never come this way before." The other replies, "It's the cobblestones."
- Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids? Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
- That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me
- Why do they bury politicians under 6 feet of dirt? Because deep down, they're good people.
- Don't be worried about your iPhone and laptop spying on you Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
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Dirt One Liners
Which dirt one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dirt? I can suggest the ones about filthy and gravel.
- I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it. The plot thickens.
- Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night... The plot thickens
- This coffee tastes like dirt Well it was ground this morning
- What's expensive and dirt cheap at the same time? Fresh grad
- I knew someone had added dirt to my garden. And so, the plot thickens
- My son told me the Bible is very clear, there are two genders. Dirt and ribs.
- my friends gave me dirt for my birthday I really appreciated the sediment
- Why do we give mud baths to old people? To get them used to dirt.
- When arguing, never throw dirt at your opponent All you do is lose ground
- I used to have an addiction to dirt But I've now been clean for over a year
- Whats the difference between dirt and miracle grow? Not mulch
- Despite inflation, what can everyone still afford? Soil, it's always dirt cheap.
- "This coffee tastes like dirt!" "What did you expect, it was ground this morning!"
- Politics is like window cleaning... ...the dirt is always on the other side!
- I once got in a fight with a pile of dirt... The pile of dirt won by a landslide.
Dirt Track Jokes
Here is a list of funny dirt track jokes and even better dirt track puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did Jesus do when Mary Magdalene tracked dirt through the house? Jesus swept.
- You know what they say... When the rivers running red take the dirt track
- A train saw Chuck Norris on the track and turned down a dirt road.
- I'm not Racist! I like all kinds of races. Drag racing, Nascar, dirt track, go-karts...
Dirt Biking Jokes
Here is a list of funny dirt biking jokes and even better dirt biking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend walked in the room just moments after I was making fun of his dirt bike. His ears must have been ringinginginging.
- Your mama is so dirty Her c**... have dirt bike races.
Happy Dirt Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about dirt you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean soil jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dirt pranks.
The teacher asked Johnny, "What is s**...?"
Johnny stood up and said: "s**... is a temptation caused my a sensation where a boy sticks his location into a girls destination to increase the population of the next generation"
The teacher stared at him and fainted.
What do you and your shower have in common? You both get wet when I turn you on.
Dirty old man
An old man was sitting on a bench when a teenager with a rainbow mohawk walked by. The old man stared at him. Seeing him star, the teenager said "What's the matter old-timer, never done anything crazy in your life?" The old man replied "Many years ago, I got drunk at a wild party and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering whether you were my son."
A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her s**... life.
Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.
She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"
He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."
Then she says, "And the s**... life?"
He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
Two kids are walking down a dirt path...
a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.
"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother who see her daughter crying.
"What's wrong?" asks the mother. The daughter tells her mother about the situation and when she is done her mother only smiles.
The next day the boy and girl are walking along the same path. The boy notices the girl is smiling even more than he is and demands to know why. The girl, turns to him, pulls up her skirt and says "my mom says as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"
Importance of Planning
Why planning is important?
One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See below for the question paper.
Q.1. Your Name…….. ………
(2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right
Dirty Joke
My s**... life with my wife has started degrading.
Guess it's time to Bury her corpse
A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars
A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
Two cowboys are out riding...
Two cowboys are out riding on a dirt trail when they come across a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The men stop and the first cowboy jumps off his horse and approaches the sheep. He then proceeds to take his pants off and have his way with the sheep. When he is done, the second cowboy jumps off his horse. "My turn!" he exclaims, and sticks his head in the fence.
Latvian Dreamin'
Little boy go to father. Is midnight. Say boy, "Father! I dream I is Mr. Potato! Have big eyes and smile! Even having shoes! I wish I Mr. Potato for all ever!"
Man woke in midnight all sudden. Rubs eyes. Remembers boy dead by mule, and is no potato. Only cold. Is all dream. Lay back on dirt. No smiles. No shoes.
What does a dirty hippie say after you ask him to get off your couch?
Namaste
Two men walk out of a bar, both are drunk and ready to fight!
One draws a line in the dirt and says to the other man, "If you cross this line i will punch you!"
That was the punchline.
So this piece of rope walks into a bar...
...and he tries to order a drink, the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind roun' here!" The piece of rope walks outside, ties himself in half a couple times, rubs himself in the dirt and drags his edges. He walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Hey! Ain't you that same piece of rope?!" The piece of rope says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
First dirty joke my dad told me, it's about 30 years old and I still tell it.
What's the difference between a lady in church and a lady in a bathtub?
The lady in church has hope in her soul.
Totally Nerdy Joke: Einstein, Newton, and Pascal playing hide and seek
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. It's einstein's turn to count. Pascal runs away and hides under some bushes. Newton draws a large box in the dirt and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting, sees Newton and declares "Aha! Newton, I found you!" Newton replies "No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal."
Why didn't Cinderella go to the ball?
She didn't want to choke!
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He used a pencil to budget
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?
A $100 bill.
What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vaccuum?
The position of the dirt bag.
[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?
I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an e**....
Girl: "Hey, what's up?"
Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"
What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?
A wet nose.
A sack full of chickens
Two r**... walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack. The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight." The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the first r**..., "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best b**... I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last b**... of my entire life."
My girlfriend's best friend had her arm stuck in the dirt this morning
She asked me how to get her hand out quickly.
I told her, "Dig south for her arm, bae."
Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.
If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.
A guy goes to the the doctor. He finds out he has cancer and three months to live. He asks the doctor is there anything we can do?
The doctor says: "Well you could take mud baths.
The guy says: "Oh great will that help me live longer?"
The Doctor says: "No, it but it will get you used to being in the dirt"
Whats the difference between a golf ball and a g**...?
Guys will actually look for the golf ball.
A man is waiting for a bus, when he sees a blonde across the street digging a hole...
...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing?"
"We're working" the first blonde replies.
"Just the two of you?" He inquires.
"Well" the second blonde chimes in, "there's usually three of us, but the girl that plants the trees called out sick"
I was doing the laundry today and I started reading the side of the detergent and it said…
Tough on Grime.
Smashes Dirt.
Hard on Stains.
I thought, wow, that last one's a bit too much information…
A Creationist and Atheist Debate
Creationist: If man evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Atheist: If Adam came from dirt, why is there still dirt?
Please say dirty things
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
Two guys stumble out of a bar on night to fight.
The first man draws a line in the dirt and says " if you cross this line i'll punch you"
That was the punch line.
Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
Because deep down, they're really good people
Stephen Hawking has his first date in a long time...
When he returned from the date, he had a twisted ankle, a broken wrist, his glasses were cracked and there was dirt all over his clothes.
Apparently she stood him up.
What was the guitar teacher arrested for?
f**... a minor
A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church.
Man: Father I have sinned.
Yesterday my wife was leaning against the sofa and she was wearing a short Dress she looked so s**... I couldn't control myself. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her from behind uncontrollably.
Priest: oh no no they don't like that sort of behaviour is heaven.
Man: No they don't like it in Walmart either.
Why did the mermaid wear seashells?
She grew outta her beeshells!!!
A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.
"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate s**..., and the s**... bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
What is the difference between a h**... and a drug dealer?
A h**... can clean her crack and resell it.
I had a rare condition growing up where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day.
Thankfully my brother told me, I could have died.
What's the difference between a vaccuum and a Harley motorcycle?
The vaccuum carries its dirt bag on the inside.
Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek.
Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.
Einstein opens his eyes and says "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
"No," says Newton. "You found a Newton in one square meter. You found Pascal!"
Why did the ketchup blush?
He saw the salad dressing.
When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?
When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.
How do you make your wife scream during s**...?
Call her and tell her about it.
A blonde is driving down the road when she spots another blonde in a row boat in the middle of a dirt field.
She pulls over, jumps out of her car and screams You're the reason us blondes get a bad name! I should swim out there and kick your a**...!!
What did one saggy b**... say to the other saggy b**...?
We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!
A scientist went to God and said triumphantly, We've worked out how to make a man without you. God laughed and said, Okay then, show me. Go ahead.
So the scientist bent down and picked up a handful of dirt but God stopped him.
Oh no you don't. said God. Get your own dirt.
Why Hasn't Santa got any kids?
He only comes once a year and that's down a chimney
I played hide seek as a kid and the ultimate winner hid so good we never found him. Years later they found him under a pile of dirt
Turns out He won by a landslide
If you think that your microwave is collecting data and the Tv is spying on you is bad enough...
The vacuum have been gathering dirt on your for years...
People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about.
It's your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about....
....it's been collecting dirt on you for years.
The dirtiest pub I've ever seen was called the fiddle
It was a vile inn.
A blonde was driving down the highway and noticed another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field
She pulled over to the side of the road and yelled,
It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!
And continued, you're lucky I can't swim, or I'd come over there and kick your a**...!
If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,
Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years
A customer orders a coffee
The waiter brings the coffee and sets it on the table.
The customer takes a sip, and promptly spits it out, spraying everywhere.
"This tastes like dirt!!!" He shouts at the waiter.
"Yes", the waiter says. "It's fresh ground".
The Dirty Harry line wouldn't have worked in the flintlock era
"Did he fire one shot or only zero?"
Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?
Because he's a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*t**....
*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!
