Director Jokes
137 director jokes and hilarious director puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about director that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a good laugh? Read this article for some hilarious director jokes! From director of nursing to director of finance, director of photography to managing director and headmaster, you'll find jokes about every type of director in this collection. From band and choir directors to funeral directors and CEOs, get ready to smirk at all of the best director jokes.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Director Short Jokes
Short director jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The director humour may include short master jokes also.
- The movie Speed didn't have a director... Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.
- The moon landings were faked… But the director was such a perfectionist that he demanded they be filmed on location.
- Fun movie fact: Did you know that the movie "Speed" featuring Keanu had no director? Because if it had direction, then the movie would be called "Velocity"
- A CEO and his board of directors gather for a meeting CEO: We need to stop testing our products on animals.
BOD: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.
CEO: Yeah but we make hammer - Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house... it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...
- I hate seeing directors make the same movie. It gets boring, I guess I'm... Board of directors
- Question: Can the President fire the Director of the FBI? Yes, of course. If he can put Trump in office, President Putin can certainly fire Comey too.
- A guy named Ryan Edit won first place in a marathon. Race director: Here you go, these are for you.
- James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3 I guess you can unfire a Gunn.
- How do you lose your wife, your kid, and your job in one week? Become the White House Communications Director.
Share These Director Jokes With Friends
Director One Liners
Which director one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with director? I can suggest the ones about manager and actor.
- Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm... I'm the CIEIO
- The director of EA walks into a bar *Download the punchline for only 4.99*
- I'm starting a job as a director.. .. of old McDonald's farm, I'm the CIEIO.
- Just got a job as Senior Director of Old McDonald's farm. I'm their new CIEIO.
- The moon landing was faked.... but the director was so good he shot on location
- What did the band director name his twin daughters? Ana1 Ana2
- The moon landing was fake But the film director demanded they film on site
- Who is the director of the first wireless movie? Christopher No-LAN
- Who Is every lumberjack's favourite director? TIMBURRRTON!
- Why did the director get kicked out of the bar? He was making a scene!
- What do you call a film director with an STD? Alfred 'ItchCock
- What did the movie director say when he finished his burrito? That's a wrap!
- Go out camping during the lockdown to become a famous movie director. Tentin Quarantino.
- What did the director say when his dinner arrived? That's a wrap.
- Directors are seriously the worst ....they always have to make a scene.
Funeral Director Jokes
Here is a list of funny funeral director jokes and even better funeral director puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "The total cost would be £3000," said the f**... director. "And that includes digging the grave."
"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.
He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."
- f**... director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife? Schroedinger: Yep.
- f**... director takes his hearse to the mechanic, "My car gets really bad mileage." Mechanic says, "I'm sorry sir I don't think I can help, It's because of all the dead weight in the back."
- I can't understand how f**... directors have raised the price of funerals.... By blaming it on the cost of living!
- I'm a f**... home director People are always dying to get my attention
- What did the f**... director do with Alan Turing's dead body? He encrypted it
- "Will it cost extra to bury my wife?" I said to the f**... director, "Will it cost extra to bury my wife?"
He asked, "Why, is she a big woman?"
"No, still alive." - What is the busiest industry in the World? f**... Directors.
And they say it's a dying trade? - Jesus the Mexican stuntman. Jesus was a Mexican stuntman who died while making a film. At his f**..., his mother said to the director, "Jesus died for your scenes."
- Why do f**... directors hold most services before 12 pm? Because they're mourning people.
Film Director Jokes
Here is a list of funny film director jokes and even better film director puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A director and composer are arguing about the score of a film Composer: Is it really THAT important that there are no voices in any of the tracks?
Director: It's instrumental - What would you call a Hollywood film director who is isolating from Covid Quentin Quarantino.
- Say what you want about The Human Centipede The film's director really knew how to bring people together...
- My wife is a film director and I really can not stand it. Every time we go out somewhere, she makes a scene.
- I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible. I think it's flabbercasting.
- I've only told my closest friend that I lost my job as a film director. ##
## I don't want to make a scene. - My friend said "Women directors have never had major success with a live action film" So I said, "Nonsense! Just look at the Matrix trilogy."
- Just came off a job filming an advert for Mexican food. I thought the last shot was of some tortillas, but as we finished, the director shouted, 'That's a wrap.'
- The moon landings are staged and, in fact, completely created by a film crew and everything. The only thing is that the director was too lazy so he said just to film it on location.
- Did you see the headline about the film director who stormed off set after someone filled his trailer with herbs? Michael Bay Leaves
Band Director Jokes
Here is a list of funny band director jokes and even better band director puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Heard this one from my trumpet playing band director Does anyone know the Trumpeteer handshake?
"Hi, I'm better than you" - My band director wanted to throw a "taping" party to organize our sheets of music. I told him that I'll bring the Scotch.
- Why do Band Directors do so good at Stand-Up Comedy? Their jokes are very well orchestrated.
( - How did the band director get fired? He fingered A Minor.
- What did the band director say to the misbehaving kid? You're in treble mister!
- Why didn't the band director ever criticize the percussion section? He didn't want to drum up discord.
- I asked my band director if he could raise my F. He gave me an ff instead.
- A band director asked his band why it is so difficult for everybody to come in at the same time. A student replied saying...
Mabey they all don't fit through the door. - Why couldn't the band director pick a piece in 4/4 time? It's too common
Director Cut Jokes
Here is a list of funny director cut jokes and even better director cut puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What happens when Quentin Tarantino remakes Cinderella? a three and a half minute extended director's cut of the slipper scene
- So I heard Stephan Spielberg goes to the same barbers every week... ... He gets the directors cut
- There's the director's cut but why isn't there a director's uncut? Because they're Jewish.
- I watched a film where Steven Spielberg was circumcised... ... it was a Director's Cut.
- I was really excited about the latest Director's Cut of Bambi! Tenderloin
- What did the movie director say to offend the emo kid? Cut!
- What hairstyle does Christopher Nolan get at the barber? A director's cut
- How does a Florida State grad know s**... is over? The director says Cut!
- Yo mama's so fat Her s**... tape had to be the directors cut.
Director Of Nursing Jokes
Here is a list of funny director of nursing jokes and even better director of nursing puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just got a job as a senior director in a nursing home. I tell old people where to go.
Laughter Director Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about director you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean leader jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make director pranks.
How many aspiring actresses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know - normally they screw in the casting director's hot tub
Bagpiper at a f**...
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;
"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...
After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.
Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
Why a fourth time?
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a f**... director.' After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a f**... director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...
During the trip the wife tragically dies. A f**... director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The f**... director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."
During the shooting of a movie...
Director: Now we'll let the lion out of the cage and he'll chase but don't worry he won't eat you.
Actor: What makes you so sure?
Director: It's in the script.
Actor: Has the lion read the script?
Hunger Games : Mockingjay
For the last installments of the Hunger Games series, the director has decided to make a change. In the new movies, Philip Seymour Hoffman will unexpectedly be killed by the heroine.
How many first-time theater directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know, what do you guys think?
How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. No one ever watches the choir director.
During a visit to the mental hospital....
..a visitor asks the Director what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are going to be in a movie about classical composers...
They are talking to the director about what roles they want to play.
Sean Connery says "I would shertainly like to play Moshart."
Sylvester Stallone says "Uh, well, I guess I wanna play Beethoven."
And so Arnold pauses a moment, and then says "I'll be Bach."
A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.
At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and c**... into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...
"Oh the Humanities!"
Today I asked the Director of Admissions at my University what the best thing about her job was...
And she said, "Well, I gotta admit..."
An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.
This time to a f**... director.
The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.
She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a f**... director.
The reporter asks her why?
1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go.
An old man dies...
...and at the f**..., his family members walk to the casket to say their final respects. When they're done, the old mans son notices a bulge in his fathers pants. When he goes to ask the f**... director about it, the director says "Oh, don't worry about that, it's just mourning wood"
An old man is fishing in a lake next to a country road
Suddenly, he sees a f**... procession driving slowly down the road.
So he stands next to the road, puts his cigarette away, takes off his hat and waits flow the procession to pass.
2 hours later, the f**... director comes up to the man , this time by himself.
"That was very respectful, what you did. I want to thank you for your manners."
"Well," says the man, "it's the least I can do for my wife."
The penny making machine at the US mint stopped working the other day....
The director of the mint himself came to the machines engineer to ask him what the problem was.
"I can't figure it out!" exclaimed the puzzled engineer. "It doesn't make cents!!"
(Best told in person)
Lenin in Warsaw
A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, n**..., having mad s**... with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.
Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.
First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin?
The director answers: In Warsaw.
Trump receives a message
Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the FBI.
The Director of the FBI suggested Trump should turn the message upside down.
How many movie directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter, but the last one has to be M. Night Shyamalan, to give it a twist at the end.
I was recently at a mental institution and asked the director how he knew when someone needed to be admitted...
He said: "We fill up a bath tub with water and offer the person a teaspoon, a tea cup, and a bucket to empty the tub."
I said: "Oh, a normal person would chose the bucket cause it's bigger!"
He replied: "No, a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the window or the door?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a call from his agent...
Who tells him that an up-and-coming director is looking for German- and Austrian-born actors for a movie.
"It's a little different than the stuff you're known for," the agent says, "It's a period piece about classical music composers. Should I arrange an audition?"
"There is no need," Arnold says. "I'll be Bach."
What do you call a film director that has c**...?
Alfred Itchcock
The director of the "Guardians of the Galaxy" series will not be making the third part
I guess Disney really knows how to fire a Gunn
I'm going to be working as the senior director at Old McDonald's farm.
They've made me the CIEIO
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
My wife told me this one...
Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.
DiCaprio says I'll be the lead actor
Clooney says I guess I'll be the director then
McConaughey says I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day
The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.
Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.
DiCaprio says I'll be the lead actor
Clooney says I guess I'll be the director McConaughey says I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant
The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman's doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.
What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren - and you tell her she's pregnant?
The doctor continues to write his notes and without looking up at his colleague says, tell me, does she still have the hiccups?
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum
f**... director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"
Me: "ship her home"
f**... director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"
Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"
What's the difference between wit and a joke?
A young filmmaker excited to be part of his first film festival is attending a talk between a director and a writer. At the end of the talk he gets up and shouts out, "If I could ask a question, what's the difference between wit and a joke?"
The writer looks at him for a second, picks up his glass of water and pours it on his own head, says
"This, is a joke"
Surprised by the sudden act, the young filmmaker proceeds hesitantly, "And what is wit?"
The writer responds, "Wit is dry".
A inspector visits a sanatoriun to check its conditions.
During the tour the director takes him to one of their newly designed test rooms, claiming its foolproof.
"We fill up this bathtub to the brim see? Then we hand to the inmate a spoon and a cup and ask him to empty the tub" Says the director
The inspector nods and replies with a smile "Ah, i see. And the inmate, if sane will choose the cup because it's the biggest."
The director then looks at the inspector and raises a brow "No, the sane one will just open the drain"
A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw.
Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, n**..., having mad s**... with another man. And then another.
And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin? The director answers:
In Warsaw.
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
At a corporate party…
The director of HR stood up and said If anyone has any comments or anything they'd like to say please come up to the microphone
An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room. Everyone covered their ears as he held it there. He then turned it away and handed it back to the HR director. To which the HR director said…
Thank you for your feedback.
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and then ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would just use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug....do you want a bed near the window?"
The board of directors for Old McDonald's Farm has decided to give me a promotion.
I'm the new C-I-E-I-O.
A worrying LOTR addiction
Lately I've been watching a *lot* of Lord of the Rings. It started with watching the original versions after work to de-stress. Then I moved on to sneaking the Extended Editions. Recently, I started secretly hoarding the Director's cut versions. I think I may have a problem.
It's becoming hobbitual
A Hollywood janitor decided to try his hand at directing
He's billing himself as "the director who swept the Oscars"
Why was the director's wife constantly anxious in public?
Because her husband was always making a scene.
I was auditioning for a play today, and the director yelled at me. He said my acting reminded him of a female reproductive o**...! Needless to say I stormed off…
But after I thought about it, I went back. I had to apologize for o**... acting.
How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum
A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"
"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
"I see," says the politician, "and if he's got any sense he'll choose the bucket."
"No," says the director, "If he's got any sense he'll pull the plug out. Would you like a room with a view?"
I got thrown off of a TV commercial set a few years ago.
We were filming an ad for Taco Bell. The director didn't like being corrected. He kept saying "That's a wrap" when clearly it was a Taco Supreme.
The employees play basketball or soccer
Department directors play tennis. CEOs play golf!
The higher the position, the smaller the balls...
