The Best 70 Director Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Director jokes. There are some director scenes jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these director programme director puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Director Jokes and Puns

The moon landing was fake

But the film director demanded they film on site

Bagpiper at a Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;

"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."

Mental Hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Director joke, Mental Hospital

An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...

After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.

Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!

Heard this one from my trumpet playing band director

Does anyone know the Trumpeteer handshake?
"Hi, I'm better than you"


A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."

"The total cost would be Β£3000," said the funeral director.

"And that includes digging the grave."

"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.

He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."

Director joke, "The total cost would be Β£3000," said the funeral director.

During the shooting of a movie...

Director: Now we'll let the lion out of the cage and he'll chase but don't worry he won't eat you.

Actor: What makes you so sure?

Director: It's in the script.

Actor: Has the lion read the script?

Hunger Games : Mockingjay

For the last installments of the Hunger Games series, the director has decided to make a change. In the new movies, Philip Seymour Hoffman will unexpectedly be killed by the heroine.

How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. No one ever watches the choir director.

During a visit to the mental hospital....

..a visitor asks the Director what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

You can explore director premiere reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean director supervisor dad jokes. There are also director puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Who Is every lumberjack's favourite director?

TIMBURRRTON!

My wife is a film director and I really can not stand it.

Every time we go out somewhere, she makes a scene.

So a cinematographer, writer, and production designer walk into a bar....

and the director takes all the credit.

Why did the director get kicked out of the bar?

He was making a scene!

Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are going to be in a movie about classical composers...

They are talking to the director about what roles they want to play.

Sean Connery says "I would shertainly like to play Moshart."

Sylvester Stallone says "Uh, well, I guess I wanna play Beethoven."

And so Arnold pauses a moment, and then says "I'll be Bach."

Director joke, Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are going to be in a movie about classic

Who is the director of the first wireless movie?

Christopher No-LAN

A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.

At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and crash into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...

"Oh the Humanities!"

Today I asked the Director of Admissions at my University what the best thing about her job was...

And she said, "Well, I gotta admit..."


An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.

This time to a funeral director.

The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.

She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why?

1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go.

An old man dies...

...and at the funeral, his family members walk to the casket to say their final respects. When they're done, the old mans son notices a bulge in his fathers pants. When he goes to ask the funeral director about it, the director says "Oh, don't worry about that, it's just mourning wood"

An old man is fishing in a lake next to a country road

Suddenly, he sees a funeral procession driving slowly down the road.

So he stands next to the road, puts his cigarette away, takes off his hat and waits flow the procession to pass.

2 hours later, the funeral director comes up to the man , this time by himself.

"That was very respectful, what you did. I want to thank you for your manners."

"Well," says the man, "it's the least I can do for my wife."

The director of EA walks into a bar

*Download the punchline for only 4.99*

What did the funeral director do with Alan Turing's dead body?

He encrypted it

The penny making machine at the US mint stopped working the other day....

The director of the mint himself came to the machines engineer to ask him what the problem was.

"I can't figure it out!" exclaimed the puzzled engineer. "It doesn't make cents!!"

(Best told in person)

"Will it cost extra to bury my wife?"

I said to the funeral director, "Will it cost extra to bury my wife?"

He asked, "Why, is she a big woman?"

"No, still alive."

Question: Can the President fire the Director of the FBI?

Yes, of course. If he can put Trump in office, President Putin can certainly fire Comey too.

Jesus the Mexican stuntman.

Jesus was a Mexican stuntman who died while making a film. At his funeral, his mother said to the director, "Jesus died for your scenes."

Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opensβ€”on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.

Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, butβ€”where was Lenin?

The director answers: In Warsaw.

Trump receives a message

Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the FBI.

The Director of the FBI suggested Trump should turn the message upside down.

Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house...

it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...

How do you lose your wife, your kid, and your job in one week?

Become the White House Communications Director.

I was recently at a mental institution and asked the director how he knew when someone needed to be admitted...

He said: "We fill up a bath tub with water and offer the person a teaspoon, a tea cup, and a bucket to empty the tub."

I said: "Oh, a normal person would chose the bucket cause it's bigger!"

He replied: "No, a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the window or the door?"

Did you hear about Tom Hiddleston's secret audition to be in the next Marvel movie? Apparently he dropped his voice an octave to throw the casting director off balance...

He was auditioning as a low key, low-key, Loki.

The moon landings were faked…

But the director was such a perfectionist that he demanded they be filmed on location.

Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a call from his agent...

Who tells him that an up-and-coming director is looking for German- and Austrian-born actors for a movie.

"It's a little different than the stuff you're known for," the agent says, "It's a period piece about classical music composers. Should I arrange an audition?"

"There is no need," Arnold says. "I'll be Bach."

Did you hear about the woman who quit her job as Trump's communications director?

Yes, but I thought hope left the White House ages ago.

What do you call a film director with an STD?

Alfred 'ItchCock

The moon landing was faked....

but the director was so good he shot on location

Two midget asians sit atop each other and get makeup to look Caucasian for a movie, the director says no because

two wongs don't make a white

I've only told my closest friend that I lost my job as a film director.

##

## I don't want to make a scene.

What do you call a film director that has crabs?

Alfred Itchcock

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm...

I'm the CIEIO

The director of the "Guardians of the Galaxy" series will not be making the third part

I guess Disney really knows how to fire a Gunn

I'm going to be working as the senior director at Old McDonald's farm.

They've made me the CIEIO

Funeral director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife?

Schroedinger: Yep.

James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?

I finally popped the question! Everything was beautiful, music was playing, we were dressed to the nines. Her whole family was there! It felt like the perfect moment - She was so surprised!

So was the funeral director.

My wife told me this one...

Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.

DiCaprio says I'll be the lead actor

Clooney says I guess I'll be the director then

McConaughey says I'll write, I'll write, I'll write

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"

"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"

... An old joke in honor of the great man.

Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.

DiCaprio says I'll be the lead actor
Clooney says I guess I'll be the director McConaughey says I'll write, I'll write, I'll write

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman's doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren - and you tell her she's pregnant?

The doctor continues to write his notes and without looking up at his colleague says, tell me, does she still have the hiccups?

What would you call a Hollywood film director who is isolating from Covid

Quentin Quarantino.

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.

As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".

Just got a job as Senior Director of Old McDonald's farm.

I'm their new CIEIO.

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"

Everything in 2020 happened to be recorded for a movie and the director is...

Quarantin Tatarino

What's the difference between wit and a joke?

A young filmmaker excited to be part of his first film festival is attending a talk between a director and a writer. At the end of the talk he gets up and shouts out, "If I could ask a question, what's the difference between wit and a joke?"

The writer looks at him for a second, picks up his glass of water and pours it on his own head, says
"This, is a joke"

Surprised by the sudden act, the young filmmaker proceeds hesitantly, "And what is wit?"

The writer responds, "Wit is dry".

A inspector visits a sanatoriun to check its conditions.

During the tour the director takes him to one of their newly designed test rooms, claiming its foolproof.

"We fill up this bathtub to the brim see? Then we hand to the inmate a spoon and a cup and ask him to empty the tub" Says the director

The inspector nods and replies with a smile "Ah, i see. And the inmate, if sane will choose the cup because it's the biggest."

The director then looks at the inspector and raises a brow "No, the sane one will just open the drain"

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.

A guy named Ryan Edit won first place in a marathon.

Race director: Here you go, these are for you.

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw.

Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opensβ€”on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another.

And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, butβ€”where was Lenin? The director answers:

In Warsaw.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

At a corporate party…

The director of HR stood up and said If anyone has any comments or anything they'd like to say please come up to the microphone

An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room. Everyone covered their ears as he held it there. He then turned it away and handed it back to the HR director. To which the HR director said…

Thank you for your feedback.

I'm starting a job as a director..

.. of old McDonald's farm, I'm the CIEIO.

A young lad sees the Director of the company he works at park up in a brand new Aston Martin.

'Nice car' says the lad.

The Director looks at him coolly on the eye and says 'See this lad, if you work hard, do loads of unpaid hours and consistently exceed your punishing sales targets, well lad, this time next year ...... I can buy another one.'

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and then ask them to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would just use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug....do you want a bed near the window?"

What did the band director name his twin daughters?

Ana1 Ana2

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the director band director jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working director choir director piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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