The Best 84 Directly Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Directly jokes. There are some directly teary jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these directly use as directed puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Directly Jokes and Puns
Jesus walks into a restaurant
Waiter: -Would you like a drink?
Jesus : -Water is fine.
Jesus: \*looks directly into camera\*
The Farmer
A Farmer, carrying a sheep under one arm, storms into his bedroom where his wife is in bed, quietly reading.
The farmer stares his wife directly in the eyes and yells "THIS IS THE PIG I HAVE SEX WITH WHEN YOU HAVE A HEADACHE!!"
The farmers wife looks him up and down and states " Thats a sheep, not a pig"
The farmer replies "I WASNT TALKING TO YOU!!"
A plane crashes on the border.
A plane was full of passengers. The engines go out and the plane crashed directly on the American and Canadian border. Where do you bury the survivors? None of them were either American or Canadian.
[Why would you bury the survivors?] (/spoiler)
if men fall asleep directly after sex . . .
why is it so hard to catch a rapist?
-Jimmy Carr
p.s. never high five a rabbi
The Polish farmer
During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold
A man is feeling horrible and goes to the doctor.
The doctor runs numerous tests that last for hours. Finally, he walks back in, a grim expression on his face.
"I have your results back," the doctor says, "and I'm afraid it's not good. I'm going to tell you this directly, you really don't have long to live."
The man is understandably stunned and struggles to find the right words. "I-I... how long do I have?"
The doctor sighs. "10."
There's a pause before the man speaks "Ten? Ten what? Ten weeks, ten months?"
"9."
My local butcher's shop is so clean
You could eat a raw sausage directly out of the butcher's trouser pocket. I know this because I spotted my wife doing it in the back of his shop the other day and she seems to have suffered no ill-effects.
I hear the Star Wars universe is so advanced, you can get Chinese food directly over the internet...
They use an e-wok.
In the process of robbing a bank, a robber's mask came off
He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.
He then turned to a man, who just happened to be in the bank at the time of the robbery, then he asked if the man saw his face.
The man replied with, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."
A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer
He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"
She: "I will do that right away, officer."
The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.
He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"
She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."
Jose takes a trip to the USA
Jose just returned to Mexico and couldn't wait to me about his trip to the USA.
He said he went to a baseball game and sat in the outfield stands, directly underneath the flagpole. He said the game was great and all the Americans were so polite. Before the game stated, they turned to him and saluted him. Then they started singing to him, "Jose, can you see!"
You can explore directly mabel reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean directly kindly dad jokes. There are also directly puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
An old Viking teaching young ones
Once we land and enter a vilage, look for a church. If there is a church there is nothing left to pillage in the village, so just go directly to the church.
So a lot of people hate feminists, and a lot of people hate cops
But to the credit of feminists, their triggers have never been directly responsible for killing someone
A man was eaten when he attempted to tell a joke directly to a crocodile's mouth.
He didn't live to tell the tail.
Scientists detected gravitational waves directly for the first time
Your mom's gonna get half the Nobel prize.
Scientists recently developed a weapon that directly targets the Higgs Boson
It's classified as a weapon of mass destruction.
Why is American Airlines the best airlines company?
Because they are the only one to drop you directly to your office.
I imported a Honda directly from Japan and was forced to pay a large tariff...
...that's OK though because it's my Civic duty.
Five swedish men in a pool
The swedes were swimming and suddenly a condom popped to the surface of the water.
Directly one of the mans asks: "who farted?"
My mom always said "If you lose something, go directly to the last place you saw it."
Which is why I'm looking for my dead mom in the empty field next to my house.
Everyone knows the suicide hotlines in the Middle East
connect directly to terrorist recruiters.
On the train in Bangkok....
...a young, long-haired, busty Thai sat down directly opposite me & started putting on lipstick.
I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."
But he did.
My sister would make a great politician...
...she avoids directly answering questions and always leads the blame to someone else, whether she has proof or not.
Elon Musk announced today that SpaceX is no longer planning a trip to Mars
and that lucky passengers will instead be launched directly into the surface of the sun.
Soviet Monopoly
"Go to gulag! Go directly to gulag! Do not pass go, do not collect food stamps and vodkac
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar, orders a beer, walks over to the piano, and sets his beer down on it. The piano man's monkey climbs over and pees directly into the glass of beer. The man says
"Hey, do you know your monkey peed in my glass?!?"
The piano man says
"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll play it for you."
Donald Trump calls the media 'fake news' even when they're directly quoting something he said/tweeted...
...but since most of the things he says are fake, by transitive property, the news is fake too
a pervert calls a retirement home
an old lady picks up.
he starts directly "hey granny guess what i am holding in my hand ? "
granny replies " oh if it fits in one hand only then i am not interested "
A guy walks into a car.
Okay, so he wasn't so much walking as he was running at about 45 mph directly into my car. He was drinking heavily and was on his phone. It was totally his fault officer.
A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.
He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.
The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."
What is it called when a gas turns directly into a solid?
Sharting
This kid walked up to me and called me gay..
I couldn't believe it. I wanted to punch this kid directly in the mouth. With my lips. Softly.
A baseball pitcher is walking home...
after a long and exhausting game. Suddenly, bright lights appear in the sky directly above him, and a beautiful angel descends from above, wearing an umpire's mask and a catcher's mitt.
The pitcher looks up, gapes and thinks, "Heavens! She's so pretty."
Without skipping a beat, his shoulders slump back, his grin shines out of his mouth, he winks and says, "Hey baby. Wanna play some catch? Looking up at you makes me want to throw up."
My dad once told me, "Don't look directly into the sun during the eclipse"
Then I said, "hey dad I'm over here!"
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Directly after witnessing the total solar eclipse, my vision was 180/20...
...my vision was also 180/20 before the eclipse, but still.
Whenever I'm over at a friends house I pee directly into the water
But don't worry, I fart loudly to mask up the sound
I TiVo'd the total eclipse and just caught up and I'm confused...
is it okay to look directly at the sun now?
A nice clean jewish joke
The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?
Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?
So I hear EA has removed all refund options from their website, and now customers have to call them directly. But hey:
"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment from successfully navigating our automated phone menu."
Glasses
Man: My grandfather lived for 96 years and he never used glasses.
Woman: Yes, I know, some people in my family also drink directly from the bottle.
Did you know 1 in 200 men are directly descended from the leader of the Mongol Empire?
I was shocked too, but it made a lot more sense once I realized that back then there were no Genghis condoms.
Coffee drinking trio
3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.
1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.
2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.
3rd: yeah? We'll I don't even use a kettle. I chew the coffee beans, drink some water and just go sit on the stove for a while.
A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building:
Mr. Tepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-Room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
We got 18 rolls, answers the neighbor.
Two months later the guy news his neighbor again and says, It's really funny - I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.
The neighbor smiles and replies, Yeah, so did we.
If shoe size really is directly related to the size of a man's package...
Then clowns are way scarier than we all thought.
If you get an email saying "click this link to hear Nickelback's new album for free" DO NOT CLICK IT
It will take you directly to a site where you can hear Nickelback's new album for free.
What do we want? A thesaurus!
When do we want it?
Straightaway, forthwith, directly, immediately, instantly, away, first off, momentarily, on the double, promptly, pronto, right away, shortly, today, nowadays, PDQ, at once, at the moment, at this time.
If you look at our government through a mirror, there is nothing left.
Because if you look at it directly, there is nothing right.
The Nigerian football team is disappointed with Saturdays performance.
They will personally refund all tickets and travel expenses to their fans. Just send them bank details, sort codes and and PIC'S to allow them to send the money directly.
A man is walking down the street, when he starts to hear a chanting sound coming from behind a fence... 13..13..13..13..13..
As he gets closer he see's a small hole in the fence, the chanting's getting louder and faster... **13..13..13..** As he gets closer the chanting comes to a fearsome cresecendo, as he looks directly into the hole...
And a finger jabs him DIRECTLY in the eye, as the chanting resumes louder than ever... **14..14..14..14..**
The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday's performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.
All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …
What's it called when a substance goes directly from solid to gas?
Premature evaporation
A man is teaching his son to drive. NSFW
They both get in the car and the son starts to back it out of the garage. Before the dad has time to stop him, his son backs directly into his moms parked car.
Mom, inside, hears the crash and comes running out. "What happened?!"
The dad points at his son and says "it was all his fault"
The mom reply's with, "Well... how could you have printed the accident?"
Dad looks directly at his so and says. "I really should have just pulled out."
Yo mama so fat, you can see directly behind her
Gravitational lensing
Yo mama so huge, you can see everything directly behind her
Because of the gravitational lensing.
The increase in the number of people reported missing in any given area
is directly related to the increasing number of traffic circles being built.
I think chess has taught me the wrong lessons in life...
Because in chess, if you stand directly in front of a bishop, he can't get you.
But in church...
Why did Jesus not directly go to heaven as he died on the cross?
Take-off weight too high.
Cigars are most ecological product in world.
It kills pollution directly from source.
I have to stand directly in front of my ninety-four year old grandfather and repeat myself many, many times to get his attention. And he isn't even deaf.
He's just a trifle hard of caring.
A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler
so I coughed directly in his mouth
As the world can communicate freely online directly to anyone, we find ourselves in virtual information abundance, spoiled for choice!
You can now choose between funny propaganda, serious propaganda, dramatic propaganda, scary propaganda, or sad propaganda!
A couple is fighting more than usual these last few years...
After each fight the wife goes directly to the bathroom and cleans it. Once they make up the husband ask the wife
Why do you clean the bathroom every time we fight?
The wife looks at her husband, it's not only soothing but I use your toothbrush to scrub the toilet
Chinese and Indian troops have been fighting each other with sticks and rocks...
looks like they decided to go directly to world war 4.
In Minnesota, it gets so cold...
...that you can eat softserve directly from the udder!
I am thinking of buying a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the necessary tariffs.
It'll be my Civic duty.
These days, iron and steel are traded on the international commodity market, and if you need some, you just need to contact a trader.
Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.
Whoever smelted, dealt it.
Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?
Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study
Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"
I was just notified that I have been nominated as the craziest man alive.
The message was beamed directly into my skull.
A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.
She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn't sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.
Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.
1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the urinal and go outside and tee off.
A man sitting out on his back patio
A man sitting out on his back patio sees a deer randomly walk out of the woods. He notices it's a doe and for some reason she's walking a little funny. She's takes a few more steps toward him, stops, looks up directly at the man and whimpers out that's the last time I do that for Five Bucks .
They have had to cancel this years Census in Afghanistan
This is directly due to the tally-ban
how to eat a human
a shark teaching his son " always circle around these humans 5 times before eating them"
the son replied " why can't I just eat them directly ?"
the shark replied " well, if you wanna eat them along with their feces it's your choice"
Baby name
A gal asks her mother for advice on how to get her boyfriend to propose. Her mom suggests not asking directly, but instead asking what he would name their baby, if they had one.
So, after sex one night, she asks her boyfriend, If we had a son, what would we name him?
Her boyfriend tied a knot at the top of the spent condom and said If he gets out of that, we're calling him Houdini .
At a corporate party…
The director of HR stood up and said If anyone has any comments or anything they'd like to say please come up to the microphone
An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room. Everyone covered their ears as he held it there. He then turned it away and handed it back to the HR director. To which the HR director said…
Thank you for your feedback.
While visiting London an American.....
While visiting London an American entered a Vietnamese soup restaurant and proceeded directly to the counter to place an order. A line of customers off to the side began groaning and mumbling. A man at the front pointed to the back of the line and angrily said "Pho Queue!"
The Marriage,,,
Paula, a mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter
Janet's plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find
adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula
noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic
markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head.
Janet introduced this man as her new husband.
Paula gasped out loud in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I
said for you to marry a rich Doctor .... a rich Doctor!"
Apple has announced new hardware that mounts directly to your forehead and lets you surf the internet using augmented reality glasses.
It's called the iBrowser
A truck driver was having a quiet drink at a Road House in the middle of nowhere when 4 bikies turned up.
They walked inside and had a look around to see the driver was the only one else in the bar. They walked directly up to him and without warning, started to beat the living shit out of him.
Eventually, they let him leave and they walk up to the bar to get a drink. The first one says to the bartender, That guy wasn't much of a fighter.
The bartender looks outside and says He's not much of a truck driver either. He just ran over all of your bikes.
Everytime someone asks me why I drive out to the country on the weekends, I tell them directly that I go to punch the biggest trees I can find
I don't like beating around the bush
Cutback
Ellen and Jack worked for a small company owned by Bob.
Hard times hit and Bob was having to cut back.
He called a meeting and looking directly at Ellen stated I've got to lay you or Jack off.
Ellen replied Well you gonna have to Jack off then, cause I got a headache.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the directly bluntly jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working directly amazement piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.