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Directly Jokes

96 directly jokes and hilarious directly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about directly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Directly Short Jokes

Short directly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The directly humour may include short immediately jokes also.

  1. Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today... And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
     
     
     
     
  2. The movie Speed didn't have a director... Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.
  3. My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
  4. "Yoda, are you sure we are heading in the right direction?" Yoda replies: "off course we are"
  5. Kim and Kanye's divorce is rough on their son, North West. It's like he's getting pulled in two different directions.
  6. I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore... They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.
  7. Why do koi fish travel in groups of four? To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.
  8. My wife is furious at me because I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right left away.
  9. Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government? Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
  10. My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up... So I just packed my bags and right...

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Directly One Liners

Which directly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with directly? I can suggest the ones about instantly and directed.

  1. Yoda, are you sure we are going in the right direction? Yoda: Off course we are.
  2. "Yoda, are you sure we're headed in the right direction?" Aaaaaaa.....
  3. one direction fans are the worst. oscillating fans are so much more convenient.
  4. Why can't republicans use hand sanitizer? Because the directions say to apply liberally
  5. My GF said she hates my sense of direction. So I packed my stuff and right.
  6. I hate One Direction fans... Oscillating ones cool down a room much better.
  7. My dad said I have no sense of direction in life. So I packed my stuff and right
  8. Wanna play Trump's new Monopoly game? Every place you land says *Go Directly to Jail*.
  9. What happens to Nitrogen when you put it in direct sunlight? It becomes DAYTROGEN!
  10. What direction did the pirate go to get his bread?? yeast!!
  11. My wife told me I have a terrible sense of direction I said, where did that come from?"
  12. If I had to describe myself in one word... ...it would be "bad at following directions."
  13. how do 5 gay men walk In one direction
  14. "This is not fair!" said the Russian guy who got bad directions to the fair
  15. My friend told me I have no sense of direction I said Where did that come from?

Directly joke, My friend told me I have no sense of direction

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about directly can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of directly puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Howlingly Hilarious Directly Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening

What funny jokes about directly you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean straight forward jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make directly prank.

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

Bagpiper at a f**...

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;

"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."

The two troublemakers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

An apple

A sudden desert storm had made a traveler lost his direction. The only thing he had was an apple. It was so precious, whenever he was thirsty or hungry, he would only look at the apple, then he would walk again full of hope.
Unfortunately, he still died in the desert. It was written on the police report: He would have walked out of the desert if he had had a Samsung or Nokia.

Joke directed insult

A woman walks into the doctors office. She says she wants a child, but doesnt want to have s**.... The doctor says ok and asks what kind of child she wants. The woman said she wanted a smart and handsome kid. The doctor then hands her a blue pill.
A few months later, the woman comes back and says she has had a miscarriage but still wants a child. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she wants. The woman said she will have a regular kid this time. The doctor then hands her a red pill.
Even more months later, the woman returns and says shes had a miscarriage but still wants a kid. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she will want. She says since the other ones did not work out she will have a ugly, s**... kid. The doctor says ok and hands her a pill.
*At this point the joke teller asks the victim what color they think the pill is.
*The response will most likely be "I don't know, what?"
*The joke teller then says "I don't know, try asking your mother."
Immaturity at its best.

The Polish farmer

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold

Raisin Bread

A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"

Did you hear about the new bra they call the Sheepdog?

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

A man is new in town

A man is new in town and asks the next passerby for directions:
"Excuse me, could you please tell me where the church is?"
"Yeah, it's on 3rd street."
"What, right next to the brothel?"
"What? No! The brothel is on 17th street."
"Oh, I see. Thank you very much!"

Daddy, what's it like being drunk?

A little girl goes up to her dad and asks "Daddy, what does it feel like being drunk?" "Well," the father replies "You see those 2 telephone poles over there in the distance?" he says, pointing in the direction of the poles. "A drunk person would see 4 telephone poles there." The little girl, confused, replies "But daddy, there is only one telephone pole over there"

I got jumped by three black men downtown the other day...

They were quite polite the whole time they were jumping me. Even gave me directions to the nearest auto parts store so I could get a new car battery.

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"
She: "I will do that right away, officer."
The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.
He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"
She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."

There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:

The directions say the medication must be taken with food.

Zoo

Two policeman on patrol see a man walking with a Gorilla. Of course, they stop to inquire. They ask, "So Buddy, what's up with the Gorilla?" The man replies, "I'm taking to the Zoo." Cops say "OK" be on your way. A day later the cops see the same man and gorilla....They stop. "Sir" the officer directs. "We saw you yesterday and thought you were taking him to the Zoo?" "I did", the man replies, "But today, I'm taking him to the movies."

If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for Word.

Stutter

An old man walks up to a kid waiting at a bus stop. He says to the boy h-how d-d-do I g-get t-to high st-street? The boy looks at him but doesn't answer. The old man asks the boy a second time, and no answer. By this time, another man came by the bus stop, and gave the directions. Knowing the boy as being a local kid, he says to him "why didn't you give that man directions? Your local you know where it is." The boy replied "d-did you t-think I-I w-wanted m-m-my a-a**... k-k-kicked?

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

A man named Eric Cole...

... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.

A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.
The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.

The perfect shot.

A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...

I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who's speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: I know! There's like hundreds of them!

If shoe size really is directly related to the size of a man's package...

Then clowns are way scarier than we all thought.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter

Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie

Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"
Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"
Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

My girlfriend is mad about the fact that I have a bad sense of direction

So I got up and right

Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful n**... woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
What's wrong? Says one boy.
My mom told me if I ever saw a n**... woman I would turn to stone! He says And something's already turning hard!

My wife kicked me out. She says it's because I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England . One of the women replies No idiot. Wales!!!!
The Foreigner is taken aback. I'm sorry, let me start over he says. Excuse me. Do you two whales happen to be from England?

The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday's performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-b**... and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

My wife wouldn't stop making fun of me for my sense of direction.

So I packed up and Right.

An Englishman stops p**... for directions.....

An Englishman stops p**... for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"
p**... says "Are you on foot or in the car?"
The Englishman says "In the car."
p**... replies "That's the quickest!"

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he's the one with the most money. Now there's only one left; McConaughey. DiCaprio turns to him and says,
Well what does that leave you with?
Matthew thinks about this for a while, until he finally turns to the two of them.
I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.

My boyfriend is always annoyed that I always mix up my directions, and he finally told me to leave,

So I packed my bags and I right left away

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"

My girlfriend is always complaining about how I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.

Clooney says, I'll direct.
DiCaprio says, I'll act.
McConaughey says, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.

A lady with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously , she asks a crew member 'just how far away from land are we?' Calmly, he reassures her ' you have nothing to worry about ,we're only 5 kilometers from land.' Relieved, she inquires 'oh, in which direction?'

That would be straight down, Miss........

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"

(Sorry)

I used to live paycheck to paycheck

But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the u**... and go outside and tee off.

At a corporate party…

The director of HR stood up and said If anyone has any comments or anything they'd like to say please come up to the microphone
An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room. Everyone covered their ears as he held it there. He then turned it away and handed it back to the HR director. To which the HR director said…
Thank you for your feedback.

An assassin is running towards Trump

His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts Mickey Mouse . This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.
Trump turns to his bodyguard and says Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse The bodyguard replies Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.

Clooney, Dicaprio, and McConaughey all want to put a movie together

Clooney says "I'll direct."
Dicaprio says "I'll act."
McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write."

Fun movie fact: Did you know that the movie "Speed" featuring Keanu had no director?

Because if it had direction, then the movie would be called "Velocity"

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

One day, Leonardo DiCaprio, Steven Spielberg and Matthew McConaughey get together and decide to make a movie.

DiCaprio says "I'll act."
Spielberg says "I'll direct."
McConaughey says "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

I was sick of my wife always making fun of my c**... sense of directions...

... so I packed my things and right!

A priest is walking around looking for the supermarket.

He sees a drug addict sitting on the ground and asks him for directions.
The addict shows him the way and goes back to his spot on the ground.
The priest starts to head his way but his heart goes out to the poor man so he returns to him.
"Young man I see that you are struggling, let me help you find your way to heaven"
The addict looks him up and down and says "Dude, you couldn't find the supermarket! You expect me to follow you to heaven?"

Describe yourself in three words

Bad at Following Directions

A driver stops to ask a man for directions

"What's the fastest route to the city," she asks.
"I don't know," the man replies, "but last week I took road 42."
"And that went well?" asks the driver.
"I'd say so, yes."
The driver, happy with the answer, thanks the man and drives on.
A little while later, however, she returns along the same road and finds the man.
"Excuse me," she says. "I can't for the life of me find road 42."
The man looks puzzled. "Of course not," he replies. "I told you: I took it last week. "

Why did the accordion player break up with his girlfriend? She kept trying to pull him in different directions.

Directly joke

jokes about directly

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these directly jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.