Dining Out Jokes

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having s**....
The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having s**....
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
show up n**...,
bring beer.

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.
A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, “Hippocrates, come!”
Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.
Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones.
He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.
The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, “Sliderule, come!”
Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.
The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.
The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called “b**..., come!”
b**... entered and was told to do his stuff.
b**... immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

A joke from Macrobius' "Saturnalia", ca. 5th century

Hereupon Evangelus said: 'Servilius Geminus happened to be dining at the home of Lucius Mallius, then considered the best painter in Rome, when he saw Mallius' two ugly sons: "You don't make children," he said, "the way you make pictures." "That," said Mallius, "is because I make children in the dark, pictures in the light."'
Hic Evangelus: Apud L. Mallium, qui optimus pictor Romae habebatur, Servilius Geminus forte coenabat: cumque filios eius deformes vidisset: Non similiter, inquit, Malli, fingis et pingis. Et Mallius: In tenebris enim fingo, inquit, luce pingo.

A man left a letter for his wife on the dining table

The letter read:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset...I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

An elder couple goes to restaurant in Paris

An elder couple goes to a restaurant for the man's 100th birthday. Upon entering a favorite restaurant of his, they found out it is fully booked.
In an attempt to seal a table still, the woman starts explaining how her husband fought in World War II for his country, that he came to this particular restaurant with his army friends. He probably wouldn't live much longer than this, and though his army friends were long gone, he wanted to dine here one last time.
Moved by his story the manager fixed them a table and gave them the best possible service he could. After a wealthy fine dinner, with some really great wines the couple proceeds to check out.
When paying the manager asked the man, who had been rather quiet so far, if everything was ok. To which the man replied: Das Essen war sehr gut, vielen Dank!

A woman thinks her husband is going deaf.

A woman thinks her husband is going deaf, so she calls the doctor to ask what to do. He tells her to start far away in the house, ask a question, and come closer and closer, asking the question, until he can hear her. So, one day, while he's watching t.v. in the living room, she goes to th farthest room, the family room, and calls out, "honey, what do you want for dinner?" No answer. She goes to the dining room, one room closer, and asks again, "what do you want for dinner?" No answer. She goes into the kitchen and asks again, and again she gets no answer. Finally, she is in the living room with him, standing behind the couch, and asks, "Honey! What do you want for dinner?" The husband answers, "For the last time, chicken!"

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having s**......

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having s**.... The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having s**.... The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, where he sees a gorgeous redhead across the table from him...

...He'd noticed her when he first sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye goes flying at the man. He reflexively grabs her eye out of the air and hands it back to her. "Oh my, I am so sorry!" the woman said as she put the eye back in. "Not a problem ma'am, would you like to come over to my place this evening?" said the man. She agreed and stayed the night.
After a wild night, the man wakes up to the woman cooking breakfast for him, and it tasted delicious! The man says "You are the perfect woman! Do you do this to every man you meet?" "Actually, you're the first," said the woman. "You just happened to catch my eye"

The Needle

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies...
Wait for it...
It's coming...
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye!!!!'

A kid works up the nerve to ask his crush to prom...

And first he must buy the tickets. So he heads to the ticket line and waits for about a half hour until he reaches the front and finally buys two tickets for him and his date.
Then he has to buy a tuxedo, so he heads over to the tux shop but due to prom season, it is overflowing with customers all waiting to get their prom tuxes. So he waits in line for about an hour until finally he can get fitted. He buys a green vest to match his date's dress.
Then he and his date decide they want to take a limo to prom, so he heads over to the limousine rental place and stands in line for an hour and a half waiting to order a limo. When he finally gets to the front, he orders a long white limo for 8 people.
The big day finally arrives and the kid and his date and their six friends all pull up to the dining hall in their white limo but because they've arrived a little late, they have to wait in line for about 25 minutes before they can get in.
Once in the dining hall, the kid and his date head to the dinner buffet and stand behind dozens of hungry students waiting to get their food. After a 35 minute line, they finally sit down with their food when the kid's date realizes she forgot to grab a beverage.
He heads over to the punch bowl to get her some juice and is surprised to see there's no punch line.

A guy really loved beans...

...so much that he had to stop eating them because they gave him horrible gas. After a couple of months, he went out to eat and decided to cave in just this one time since he'd been doing so well. He ended up eating 3 bowls of beans before his girlfriend called to make dinner plans. He knew he was going to be gassy, but he figured he could work it out. So that night, he goes over to his girlfriend's house. When he gets there, she tells him that she has a surprise for him but wants to blindfold him. She does, and leads him through the house and to the dining room table. She says she'll be right back, and he hears her leave. After just a few seconds, he gets a familiar rumble in his stomach. The urge to f**... is so great, but knowing his girlfriend is not in the room, he leans all the way to one side and lets it rip. Then the smell. He almost gagged himself, it was horrible. He waved his arms trying to dissipate the smell, and it seemed to go away just before his girlfriend came back in. "Ready?" She asked. He nodded, so she took off the blindfold. She yells, "surprise!" All of the other guests just stood there looking horrified.

A lady and her butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...

...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.
After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"
"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"
"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

What is wrong with the soup?

A man is sitting at his table in the hotel dining room with a bowl of soup in-front of him. He calls the waiter over and asks him to taste the soup.
The waiter said; 'Is it something wrong with the soup?'
The man said; 'Just taste the soup!'
The waiter said; ' You haven't even touched the soup so how do you know it is something wrong with it?'
The man said; ' JUST TASTE THE BLXXDING SOUP WILL YHAA!'
The waiter said; 'OK THEN.......Where is the Spoon?'
The man Said; 'Aha!'
:) It is a really old post-war joke, but I thought it was worth sharing.

A Rich Woman And Her Butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

Ask Jeeves

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said, "take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said, "remove my bra and p**...." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Dining at the Mall.....

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My Dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response.
I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got s**... once and s**... a Peacock. I was just wondering
if you were my daughter"

Two women meet over a coffee.

"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"
"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."
"Majestic."
"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"
"Majestic!"
"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."
"Definitely majestic!"
"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"
"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking h**...'"

Translated Indian joke: Don't speak while you're eating.

Husband & Wife dining in a hotel:
Hubby: I wanna tell you something.
Wife: It's not good manners to talk while eating.
.
(After Eating)
Wife: Now tell me.
Hubby: There was a cockroach in your Biryani !!!
Moral:
Listen to your Husband once in a while

A Rabbi is stranded on a desert island...

A Rabbi is stranded on a desert island. After years of solitude, he is finally rescued. His years of loneliness and the island's abundant resources have let him build many creature comforts. He shows his rescuers around the island.
"Here's my dining room," he says, pointing to an area with a palm-leaf roof.
"And here's my kitchen," he says, pointing to an area by the lagoon surrounded by stones.
"And here," he says, pointing to a beautiful hut, "is my synagogue where I go pray."
The rescuers see another building of equal beauty across the island. "What building is that over there?" they ask.
"Ugh, that's the other synagogue. You wouldn't catch me dead in there!"

A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world.
I wish we could travel all over the world."
The fairy waved her wand and p**...!
He had the tickets in his hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy's turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and p**...!
He was 90.

The husband jokes about his wife being fat

While the couple is dining, the husband says "Oh my god woman, aren't you eating too much? Look at you with that dress. You look just like our washing machine!". The wife is visibly upset, but stay silent for the rest of the day.
That night, already on the bed, the husband is feeling bad about what he said and try to make amends. "Okay dear, I'm sorry, let's put this nonsense behind us. How about we put this s**... washing machine to work, huh?" The wife looks at him and answers "Oh 'dear', I don't think that's necessary. That little piece of rag that you have there you can wash with your own hands in ten seconds."

A Mississippi r**... goes to California

A r**... farmer from Mississippi goes to California. He pulls his truck into the local fine dining eatery for a nice evening meal.
During the course of the evening, the waiter makes small talk with him, discovers the r**... is from Mississippi and is visiting California for the first time. So, the waiter asks where he's been.
The young farmer says that he's been to San Joe-say (Jose').
The indignant waiter chides him, In California, the J's are pronounced like an h . It's San haw-se not Joe-say . So, how long are you going to stay here?
The Mississippian replied, Through Hune

An old couple has friends over for dinner one evening...

After a pleasant dinner, the women stay in the dining room to chat whilst the men retire to the living room.
One of the men says to the other,
We went to this wonderful restaurant the other week, you should visit it some time! Wonderful portion sizes and prices.
The other ponders this and replies,
What's it called?
He thinks about it for a moment before replying.
What's the name of that flower - you know, that thorny one? For Valentine's Day?
A rose?
Oh! Yes!
He turns around and yells into the other room, Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?