Dining Jokes
78 dining jokes and hilarious dining puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dining that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a way to break the ice at your next dinner party? Look no further for a collection of jokes about dining - from outdoor dining, appetizers and buffets to steak houses and formal dining rooms - to keep the conversation rolling!
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Funniest Dining Short Jokes
Short dining jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dining humour may include short diner jokes also.
- A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"
- My son asked me, Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge? I smiled and said, Sure..." "But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.
- Me: Yeah I'll probably die alone Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone?
Me: Oh - The hearing-aid A man is dining in a restaurant and speaks to a waiter.
Man: Excuse me sir, I found a hearing-aid on my plate.
Waiter: What? - What do you call a dinner at a fancy restaurant with your 3 year old? Whine & dine
I'll see myself out - I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture. I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned.
- No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been dining off I Don't Like Mondays for 30 years.
- Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants? Best place to get Soba.
- I saw a half lion, half eagle in the dining room at Hogwarts. Everyone was wondering how it had got in but it was obvious. It came through the Griffindor.
- I like to take my girlfriend to restaurants so she can complain I call it "whining and dining"
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Dining One Liners
Which dining one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dining? I can suggest the ones about dinner and dinner table.
- Joke from my 4.5 yo son Where does a T-rex go for dinner?
A DINE-osaur restaurant! - What's the russian royalty's favorite type of fish? Czar-dines!
- What do you call a Radioactive Dine-and-Dasher? A Cher-No-Bill
- What do you call someone who is neither hungry or full? Non-Dine-ary
- What do you call an expensive restaurant? Dine & Whine
- What do you call a small dog that doesn't pay for its meals? A dine-and-daschund
- What do you call a T-Rex made from kitchen equipment? A dine-o-saur
- Why do many people eat at second-class restaurants? Every crowd has a silver dining.
- What is the Islamic State's favorite crime? The Dine-and-Daesh.
- Fine dining. My name's _____, but ladies call me Al Fresco, because I LOVE eating out.
- What do you get after dining at a chinese brothel? Fortune n**...
- What is o**... bin Laden's favourite way to dine? Aaaalllllaaaahhhhh carte.
- Two can dine... if we 69
Dining Out Jokes
Here is a list of funny dining out jokes and even better dining out puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My 8 year old brother's best joke. What animal will you always see at a resturant?
A DINE-O-SAUR.
I think my brother is a future stand-up comic. - I was waiting on my food, when my waitress slipped on a wet spot in the dining room The cook yelled from the back sorry for the long wait times, but our server is currently down
- My chemist wife refurnishes the dining room quite often She favors periodic tables over more permanent ones
- Not paying for a meal is called a Dine and Dash.. Surely not paying for a haircut is a cut and run?
- A kangaroo was dining in a restaurant. The server stopped by and complained: "Sir! Everytime I stop by you order soup!"
The kangaroo replied: "Why yes! That's because I'm a morsoupial!" - Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad... ...I feel it needs a dressing"
- A wife told his husband to whisper her dirty things, the man then replied, "The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory and the dining room."
- Last night, I had dinner at one of those illicit restaurants where you can dine on endangered species. I left there full of egret.
- Besides, rotisserie meat is too tough for those tiny army knives. Swiss people refuse to dine at Boston Market because they hate choosing sides.
- When the pope dines with homeless people hes an amazing person. When I do it I'm just another homeless person.
Dining Table Jokes
Here is a list of funny dining table jokes and even better dining table puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Whats the difference between a black man and a dining room table? A dining room table can stay and support a family of four.
- "Were dining on the finest china tonight" A Chinese man then walks in and lays down on your table
Dining Room Jokes
Here is a list of funny dining room jokes and even better dining room puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Where will you find a dog in a Chinese family's home? Either the kitchen or the dining room
Uplifting Dining Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about dining you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lunch dinner jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dining pranks.
A joke from Macrobius' "Saturnalia", ca. 5th century
Hereupon Evangelus said: 'Servilius Geminus happened to be dining at the home of Lucius Mallius, then considered the best painter in Rome, when he saw Mallius' two ugly sons: "You don't make children," he said, "the way you make pictures." "That," said Mallius, "is because I make children in the dark, pictures in the light."'
Hic Evangelus: Apud L. Mallium, qui optimus pictor Romae habebatur, Servilius Geminus forte coenabat: cumque filios eius deformes vidisset: Non similiter, inquit, Malli, fingis et pingis. Et Mallius: In tenebris enim fingo, inquit, luce pingo.
A man is dining in a fancy....
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you. "
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said,
"you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye. "
Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."
The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady and her butler
A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...
...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.
After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"
"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"
"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."
What is wrong with the soup?
A man is sitting at his table in the hotel dining room with a bowl of soup in-front of him. He calls the waiter over and asks him to taste the soup.
The waiter said; 'Is it something wrong with the soup?'
The man said; 'Just taste the soup!'
The waiter said; ' You haven't even touched the soup so how do you know it is something wrong with it?'
The man said; ' JUST TASTE THE BLXXDING SOUP WILL YHAA!'
The waiter said; 'OK THEN.......Where is the Spoon?'
The man Said; 'Aha!'
:) It is a really old post-war joke, but I thought it was worth sharing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Rich Woman And Her Butler
A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
So this Pharaoh was making a dinner reservation...
Tutankhamen- I'd like to make a reservation for dinner, it's a special occasion. Name, Tutankhamen.
Restaurant Host- Oh, nice, who will you be dining with?
Tutankhamen- Oh my wife, also my sister and step-mother.
Restaurant Host- Ok, I'll put you in for a table for four, near the grotto.
Tutankhamen- Four? I'm just bringing Ankhesenamun.
A couple are dining at a German restaurant...
A couple are dining at a German restaurant, and so far it has been awful. The appetizers were cold, the beer was warm, and the main course has been in preparation for over two hours.
They call over their waitress to complain about the appetizers and the beer, and to ask where their entrees are.
She frowns and replies, "The wurst is yet to come."
Dining Out
A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit! said my wife.
And Sir? said the waiter. How did you find the pork belly?
Oh, about six years ago, we met at a sales convention.
A man brings home flowers to his wife
A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"
Dining Out
Patron 1: "I eat at a different restaurant every day."
Patron 2: "I don't tip, either."
A Man's Guide to Fine Dining
A man invited a woman over to his home for a seven-course meal.
That's lovely, she said. What are we going to have?
He said, A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
Translated Indian joke: Don't speak while you're eating.
Husband & Wife dining in a hotel:
Hubby: I wanna tell you something.
Wife: It's not good manners to talk while eating.
.
(After Eating)
Wife: Now tell me.
Hubby: There was a cockroach in your Biryani !!!
Moral:
Listen to your Husband once in a while
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the DIY shop
I went to the DIY shop and bought a curtain rail. The shop assistant asked if I was putting it up myself. I replied "no you dirty sod. I'm putting it up in the dining room"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Rabbi is stranded on a desert island...
A Rabbi is stranded on a desert island. After years of solitude, he is finally rescued. His years of loneliness and the island's abundant resources have let him build many creature comforts. He shows his rescuers around the island.
"Here's my dining room," he says, pointing to an area with a palm-leaf roof.
"And here's my kitchen," he says, pointing to an area by the lagoon surrounded by stones.
"And here," he says, pointing to a beautiful hut, "is my synagogue where I go pray."
The rescuers see another building of equal beauty across the island. "What building is that over there?" they ask.
"Ugh, that's the other synagogue. You wouldn't catch me dead in there!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world.
I wish we could travel all over the world."
The fairy waved her wand and p**...!
He had the tickets in his hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy's turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and p**...!
He was 90.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a 50 year old man dining with my 18 year old gf in a restaurant and this old woman called me a p**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
LPT: Be wary of catching h**... when dining at All You Can Eat Crab spots..
I mean, $20 is a great deal but I need to start hiring better quality prostitutes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The husband jokes about his wife being fat
While the couple is dining, the husband says "Oh my god woman, aren't you eating too much? Look at you with that dress. You look just like our washing machine!". The wife is visibly upset, but stay silent for the rest of the day.
That night, already on the bed, the husband is feeling bad about what he said and try to make amends. "Okay dear, I'm sorry, let's put this nonsense behind us. How about we put this s**... washing machine to work, huh?" The wife looks at him and answers "Oh 'dear', I don't think that's necessary. That little piece of rag that you have there you can wash with your own hands in ten seconds."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If your girlfriend doesn't want to have s**... in the dining room...
... then s**... _on_ the table is _off_ the table.
Why were the communists barred from entering the fine dining restaurant?
It's because they had no class
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mississippi r**... goes to California
A r**... farmer from Mississippi goes to California. He pulls his truck into the local fine dining eatery for a nice evening meal.
During the course of the evening, the waiter makes small talk with him, discovers the r**... is from Mississippi and is visiting California for the first time. So, the waiter asks where he's been.
The young farmer says that he's been to San Joe-say (Jose').
The indignant waiter chides him, In California, the J's are pronounced like an h . It's San haw-se not Joe-say . So, how long are you going to stay here?
The Mississippian replied, Through Hune
A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table
She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."
My mom was checking out some glossy brochures to travel to a place she's never been where she'd be waited on hand and foot 24/7 with all inclusive dining and entertainment
I agreed and put her in a nursing home
An old couple has friends over for dinner one evening...
After a pleasant dinner, the women stay in the dining room to chat whilst the men retire to the living room.
One of the men says to the other,
We went to this wonderful restaurant the other week, you should visit it some time! Wonderful portion sizes and prices.
The other ponders this and replies,
What's it called?
He thinks about it for a moment before replying.
What's the name of that flower - you know, that thorny one? For Valentine's Day?
A rose?
Oh! Yes!
He turns around and yells into the other room, Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?
A man is dining in a restaurant and he turns to the waiter.
"Waiter, waiter. What is this I am eating?"
The waiter says: "It's bean soup, sir."
"I don't care what it has been, I want to know what it is."
I went to a restaurant to dine last week.
When I returned to my car, there was a parking ticket stuck on the windshield.
Well, that was fine dining!
Waiter
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: "Is *anything* all right?"
Now serving: the Titanic Wedge Salad!
It's made from iceberg lettuce.
Note: I did not make this up. This is actually on the menu at my former workplace (the dining room at my grandmother's retirement home).
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What has four legs, a tail and runs?
A cow in p**... hose.
What has four legs, a tale and smells?
A cow with the runs
What has four legs, a tail and walks?
A cow batting 400
What has four legs, a tail and flies?
A dirty cow
What has four legs, a tailand charges?
A cow with a USB port
What has four legs, a tail and leaves?
A dining cow
What has four legs, a tailand berries
A cow with a shovel (spoken joke only)
What has four legs, a tail, and drives?
A cowputer
What has four legs, a tail and feels
Emooooos
Two coworkers chat in the dining room
A: "Hey, you know what I did the other day? I found the courage to finally walk into the bosses office and assertively ask for a raise."
B:"Wow, really? How did it go?"
A:"We've reached a compromise. My pay doesn't change and in return I can keep my job."
Nickel & Dime Dining
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
Anniversary
On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner.
Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!
I suppose, the husband responded, we could vacuum.
Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a high school lad came up to his table.
Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?
What kind of favor? Sinatra asked.
"Well, I'm here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say 'Hi, Bernie!'
OK, kid, I'll try, said the singer, smiling.
A little later he dropped by the boy's table, and said, Hi, Bernie!
The boy looked up at him and snapped, Don't bother me now, Frankie. Can't you see I'm busy?
3 brothers in their 90s lived in the same house.
While the 92yo and 94yo were playing cards in the dining room, the 96yo calls down, "Guys, the bathtub is full, but I can't remember if I was about to get in, or if I just got out."
The 94yo shakes his head and starts up the stairs to help him out. Halfway up, he calls out, "Hey, guys? Was I going up the stairs or down the stairs?"
The 92yo shakes his head and mutters "I hope my memory never gets that bad, knock on wood," as he knocks on the dining table. Then he calls, "I'll be with you guys in a second. Let me check who's at the door first."
