Dining Jokes

82 dining jokes and hilarious dining puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dining that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for a way to break the ice at your next dinner party? Look no further for a collection of jokes about dining - from outdoor dining, appetizers and buffets to steak houses and formal dining rooms - to keep the conversation rolling!

Funniest Dining Short Jokes

Short dining jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dining humour may include short diner jokes also.

  1. A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"
  2. My son asked me, Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge? I smiled and said, Sure..." "But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.
  3. I used to sell home security systems. It was super easy.
    I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
  4. Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him, and he's the light of the world, I do it, and it ruins Thanksgiving.
  5. Me: Yeah I'll probably die alone Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone?

    Me: Oh
  6. The hearing-aid A man is dining in a restaurant and speaks to a waiter.
    Man: Excuse me sir, I found a hearing-aid on my plate.
    Waiter: What?
  7. What do you call a dinner at a fancy restaurant with your 3 year old? Whine & dine
    I'll see myself out
  8. I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture. I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned.
  9. Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
    Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
  10. No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been dining off I Don't Like Mondays for 30 years.

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Dining One Liners

Which dining one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dining? I can suggest the ones about dinner and dinner table.

  1. Joke from my 4.5 yo son Where does a T-rex go for dinner?
    A DINE-osaur restaurant!
  2. What's the russian royalty's favorite type of fish? Czar-dines!
  3. What's a Russian emperors favorite fish? *CZAR-DINES*
  4. What do you call a Radioactive Dine-and-Dasher? A Cher-No-Bill
  5. What do you call someone who is neither hungry or full? Non-Dine-ary
  6. What do you call an expensive restaurant? Dine & Whine
  7. What do you call a small dog that doesn't pay for its meals? A dine-and-daschund
  8. What do you call a T-Rex made from kitchen equipment? A dine-o-saur
  9. Why do many people eat at second-class restaurants? Every crowd has a silver dining.
  10. What is the Islamic State's favorite crime? The Dine-and-Daesh.
  11. Fine dining. My name's _____, but ladies call me Al Fresco, because I LOVE eating out.
  12. Two can dine... if we 69
  13. What do you get after dining at a chinese brothel? Fortune n**...
  14. What is o**... bin Laden's favourite way to dine? Aaaalllllaaaahhhhh carte.

Dining Out Jokes

Here is a list of funny dining out jokes and even better dining out puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants? Best place to get Soba.
  • I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture, but when I got home... ...the tables were turned.
  • I saw a half lion, half eagle in the dining room at Hogwarts. Everyone was wondering how it had got in but it was obvious. It came through the Griffindor.
  • Dirty things Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear !
    Husband: Kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room...
  • I like to take my girlfriend to restaurants so she can complain I call it "whining and dining"
  • My 8 year old brother's best joke. What animal will you always see at a resturant?
    I think my brother is a future stand-up comic.
  • I was waiting on my food, when my waitress slipped on a wet spot in the dining room The cook yelled from the back sorry for the long wait times, but our server is currently down
  • My chemist wife refurnishes the dining room quite often She favors periodic tables over more permanent ones
  • Not paying for a meal is called a Dine and Dash.. Surely not paying for a haircut is a cut and run?
  • I went to the DIY shop I went to the DIY shop and bought a curtain rail. The shop assistant asked if I was putting it up myself. I replied "no you dirty sod. I'm putting it up in the dining room"

Dining Table Jokes

Here is a list of funny dining table jokes and even better dining table puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • When in bed, my girlfriend said "say dirty things to me" So I said "Bathroom, Kitchen and the Dining Table"
  • Whats the difference between a black man and a dining room table? A dining room table can stay and support a family of four.
  • "Were dining on the finest china tonight" A Chinese man then walks in and lays down on your table
  • If your girlfriend doesn't want to have s**... in the dining room... ... then s**... _on_ the table is _off_ the table.
Dining joke, If your girlfriend doesn't want to have s**... in the dining room...

Dining Room Jokes

Here is a list of funny dining room jokes and even better dining room puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A wife told his husband to whisper her dirty things, the man then replied, "The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory and the dining room."
  • Where will you find a dog in a Chinese family's home? Either the kitchen or the dining room
Dining joke, Where will you find a dog in a Chinese family's home?

Uplifting Dining Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about dining you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lunch dinner jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dining pranks.

A woman thinks her husband is going deaf.

A woman thinks her husband is going deaf, so she calls the doctor to ask what to do. He tells her to start far away in the house, ask a question, and come closer and closer, asking the question, until he can hear her. So, one day, while he's watching t.v. in the living room, she goes to th farthest room, the family room, and calls out, "honey, what do you want for dinner?" No answer. She goes to the dining room, one room closer, and asks again, "what do you want for dinner?" No answer. She goes into the kitchen and asks again, and again she gets no answer. Finally, she is in the living room with him, standing behind the couch, and asks, "Honey! What do you want for dinner?" The husband answers, "For the last time, chicken!"

Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."

The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."

A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...

...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.
After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"
"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"
"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

A Rich Woman And Her Butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

So this Pharaoh was making a dinner reservation...

Tutankhamen- I'd like to make a reservation for dinner, it's a special occasion. Name, Tutankhamen.
Restaurant Host- Oh, nice, who will you be dining with?
Tutankhamen- Oh my wife, also my sister and step-mother.
Restaurant Host- Ok, I'll put you in for a table for four, near the grotto.
Tutankhamen- Four? I'm just bringing Ankhesenamun.

A couple are dining at a German restaurant...

A couple are dining at a German restaurant, and so far it has been awful. The appetizers were cold, the beer was warm, and the main course has been in preparation for over two hours.
They call over their waitress to complain about the appetizers and the beer, and to ask where their entrees are.
She frowns and replies, "The wurst is yet to come."

Dining Out

A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit! said my wife.
And Sir? said the waiter. How did you find the pork belly?
Oh, about six years ago, we met at a sales convention.

Tonight we dine on the flesh of the enemy.

Or they shall be dining on ours.

I've heard of Lawyers who mount a stag's head in their study, or Doctors who mount a lion's head in their dining room...

I guess I just don't see the problem with a British Prime Minister mounting a pig's head wherever he pleases.

A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"

Dining Out

Patron 1: "I eat at a different restaurant every day."
Patron 2: "I don't tip, either."

A Man's Guide to Fine Dining

A man invited a woman over to his home for a seven-course meal.
That's lovely, she said. What are we going to have?
He said, A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

Translated Indian joke: Don't speak while you're eating.

Husband & Wife dining in a hotel:
Hubby: I wanna tell you something.
Wife: It's not good manners to talk while eating.
(After Eating)
Wife: Now tell me.
Hubby: There was a cockroach in your Biryani !!!
Listen to your Husband once in a while

I'm a 50 year old man dining with my 18 year old gf in a restaurant and this old woman called me a p**...

LPT: Be wary of catching h**... when dining at All You Can Eat Crab spots..

I mean, $20 is a great deal but I need to start hiring better quality prostitutes.

Why were the communists barred from entering the fine dining restaurant?

It's because they had no class

A Mississippi r**... goes to California

A r**... farmer from Mississippi goes to California. He pulls his truck into the local fine dining eatery for a nice evening meal.
During the course of the evening, the waiter makes small talk with him, discovers the r**... is from Mississippi and is visiting California for the first time. So, the waiter asks where he's been.
The young farmer says that he's been to San Joe-say (Jose').
The indignant waiter chides him, In California, the J's are pronounced like an h . It's San haw-se not Joe-say . So, how long are you going to stay here?
The Mississippian replied, Through Hune

I was dining at a restaurant when I noticed that my waitress had a black eye...

... so I ordered very slowly because she's obviously a bad listener.

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

Reality Check

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
Do you know her? the wife asks.
Yes, the husband says. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
My goodness! the wife says. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

My mom was checking out some glossy brochures to travel to a place she's never been where she'd be waited on hand and foot 24/7 with all inclusive dining and entertainment

I agreed and put her in a nursing home

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

A man is dining in a restaurant and he turns to the waiter.

"Waiter, waiter. What is this I am eating?"
The waiter says: "It's bean soup, sir."
"I don't care what it has been, I want to know what it is."

I went to a restaurant to dine last week.

When I returned to my car, there was a parking ticket stuck on the windshield.
Well, that was fine dining!


Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

A: "Is *anything* all right?"

Now serving: the Titanic Wedge Salad!

It's made from iceberg lettuce.
Note: I did not make this up. This is actually on the menu at my former workplace (the dining room at my grandmother's retirement home).

Two coworkers chat in the dining room

A: "Hey, you know what I did the other day? I found the courage to finally walk into the bosses office and assertively ask for a raise."
B:"Wow, really? How did it go?"
A:"We've reached a compromise. My pay doesn't change and in return I can keep my job."

Nickel & Dime Dining

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

A kangaroo was dining in a restaurant.

The server stopped by and complained: "Sir! Everytime I stop by you order soup!"
The kangaroo replied: "Why yes! That's because I'm a morsoupial!"


On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner.
Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!
I suppose, the husband responded, we could vacuum.

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a high school lad came up to his table.

Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?
What kind of favor? Sinatra asked.
"Well, I'm here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say 'Hi, Bernie!'
OK, kid, I'll try, said the singer, smiling.
A little later he dropped by the boy's table, and said, Hi, Bernie!
The boy looked up at him and snapped, Don't bother me now, Frankie. Can't you see I'm busy?

3 brothers in their 90s lived in the same house.

While the 92yo and 94yo were playing cards in the dining room, the 96yo calls down, "Guys, the bathtub is full, but I can't remember if I was about to get in, or if I just got out."
The 94yo shakes his head and starts up the stairs to help him out. Halfway up, he calls out, "Hey, guys? Was I going up the stairs or down the stairs?"
The 92yo shakes his head and mutters "I hope my memory never gets that bad, knock on wood," as he knocks on the dining table. Then he calls, "I'll be with you guys in a second. Let me check who's at the door first."

Dining joke, 3 brothers in their 90s lived in the same house.

jokes about dining