Diner Jokes
94 diner jokes and hilarious diner puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about diner that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Diner Short Jokes
Short diner jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The diner humour may include short dinner jokes also.
- Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing. Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...
- A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner. Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"
- I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.
- A new lawyer walks into a diner. Where's the bar? she asks. A waiter responds, You passed it before you got here.
- So a pregnant woman walks into a diner. A pregnant woman walks into a diner, and the server says:
"Hi there, are ya hungry?"
The fetus replies:
"Nah, I gestate." - A problem at the restaurant Waiter!" shouted the furious diner. "How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!"
"My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager." - A blonde is at the diner A blonde is at a diner and when the waitress comes to take the order, the blonde reads the name tag out loud:
'Debbie, how sweet.... what do you call the other one?' - Gluten free Diner: We don't eat dairy, eggs, meat, soy, gluten, or nuts. What do you recommend we get?
Waitress: Out. - What do you think about the new diner on the moon? Food was good but there really wasn't enough atmosphere
- What did the ICE agents say after they finished eating at a diner? "I think we'll take Juan for the road too."
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Diner One Liners
Which diner one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with diner? I can suggest the ones about lunch dinner and dining.
- What is the cannibal King's favorite joke during diner ? "There's a heir in my soup !"
- Guy walks into a bar... Find out more on the next episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and dive.
- What did the diner waitress say to Attila? "More coffee, Hun?"
- I wanted my leftovers in a to-go box, but the diner was out of them. Foiled again.
- Got my check at a diner today... ...I tipped vibes .
- How is the government in 2018 like a diner? No substitutions!
- A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...
- There was an early bird special at the diner So I ordered Archaeopteryx.
- The CEO of Berkshire Hathaway should open a diner. And call it Warren's Buffet.
- What is only four dollars and a great deal at the Vampire diner? The phlebotomist's cup.
- What do you call a restaurant at the bottom of the sea? A Scuba Diner
- How is a panda like a gunman in a diner? They both eat shoots and leaves.
- I came across a 24 hour diner once... I said, "Hey man, maybe you should take a break".
- I went to a seafood diner last night. I pulled a mussell.
- Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!
Gather Around for Heartwarming Diner Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about diner you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dinner party jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make diner pranks.
How Worcestershire Sauce got its name
In the late 1800s in New Orleans a chef in a restaurant had just whipped up a concoction to be applied to meat and he asked a waiter to take it out to a well-lubed patron for a test. The diner was of course most agreeable and added quite a bit of it to his cut of beef. Upon tasting it, he rather liked it and turned around to hail the waiter by clumsily calling out, "Hey, whorsh diss'here sauce??", and so the name was thereupon given.
What does a cyborg order at a diner?
A Cyborger
A couple gets married.
The husband puts a box under their bed and gets his wife to promise not to look in the box. After 30 years the wife finally looked, to find $1817.35 and 3 empty beer cans. That night at diner the wife tells her husband about looking in the box, and asks him why he had the 3 beer cans in there. The husband said "for very time I cheated on you, I put a can in there to remind me never to do it again." the wife very happy about however she understood that her husband was on the road a lot and the temptation was to great, and it was only 3 times so they hugged and made their peace. Later, when the couple was in bed the wife asked about the money in the box. The husband replies by saying "well very time the box filled up I got a deposit on the cans."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man rides his camel through New York...
and leaves it to go to a diner. When he comes back, his camel is missing, so he goes to the police.
The police ask a few questions. "Was the camel male or female?"
The man replies, "I'm not entirely sure- Wait! I remember! It's male it has to be!
"How do you know?"
"Well, when I was riding through town people kept pointing and saying "Look at the shmuck on that camel!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
THE TASTEFUL BLIND MAN
A blind man walked into a diner and made a strange request to his waiter. He asked if he could have the unwashed fork of the last customer the waiter waited on. The perplexed waiter agreed and handed the blind man the unwashed fork. The blind man proceeded to put it in his mouth and said, "Hmmm, the meatloaf and mashed potatoes are good here. I'll have that."
The next day, the blind man returned to the diner and did the same thing. Now, on the third day, the waiter saw the blind man coming into the diner. He still didn't believe what the blind man was capable of, and he wanted to trick him. So he quickly grabbed a fork and asked his waitress wife, Jane, to pull down her p**... and rub it between her legs.
When the blind man asked for the fork, the waiter gave him the fork with a big smile on his face.
The blind man put it in his mouth, and said, "Hmmm, I didn't know Jane worked here."
Two opposing candidates for county office...
... happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
A starving man walks into a busy diner...
He sees one empty seat near the counter and quickly sits down. The man next to him is passed out and looks sickly, but there is a steaming bowl of oatmeal sitting next to him, untouched.
After 10 minutes no one has even brought the man water, let alone taken his order, so he sneakily slides the bowl of oatmeal towards him and begins eating ravenously.
After only a couple minutes, he nears the bottom of the bowl, and notices a giant dead cockroach at the bottom. Disgusted, he spews all of the oatmeal back into the bowl and onto the counter. Just then, the sickly man next to him wakes up.
"Oh, yea... you saw the cockroach, too?"
A gentleman orders a spinach omelette at a diner.
He asks his waitress if she had some hollendaise sauce to go along with his omelette, she said "I sure do, and I'll even bring it on our special chrome dishes."
He was confused a bit, but he didn't say anything. A few minutes later he got his omelette and sure enough, it was on a dish made entirely out of chrome. The man was very curious. He noticed he was the only one in the diner who had a dish like that.
He finished his omelette and when the waitress came by to leave the check he stopped her. "Excuse me Miss, but I've gotta ask you, why did you serve my omelette on a chrome dish?"
"You ordered it with hollendaise sauce right?"
"Yes"
"Well silly, everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollendaise."
A penguin is driving along in his convertible on a very hot day...
when it suddenly breaks down. He has it towed to a shop where the mechanic says it will be at least a couple hours while he finds the problem. The mechanic tells the penguin that he can go to a nearby diner to get out of the brutal heat.
The penguin goes into the diner and decides to order a bowl of ice cream to cool off. He dives right in and makes a real mess of himself. He orders another bowl and eats it so fast he's wearing most of it. There's melted ice cream all over his face.
Finally, the penguin pays his bill and heads back to the shop. The mechanic looks up from the penguin's car and says, "It looks like you blew a seal!" The pengiun says, "Nah, it's just ice cream."
A fox walks into a diner
and orders a six layered sandwich.
Three old ladies
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A conversation between two strangers in a diner...
Man #1: You know, without the mustache you'd look just like my first wife.
Man #2: I don't have a mustache!
Man #1: She did.
When I was at the diner tonight my waitress had a black eye.
When I ordered I ordered real slow because apparently she don't listen so good.
At the sushi restaurant: What kind of eel is this?
Diner at the sushi restaurant: "What kind of eel is this?"
Waiter: "Do you love it?"
Diner: "yeah"
Waiter: "Then, that's a moray"
A homeless man enters a diner
He asks the waitress What can a guy get for a dime? Not much, how about a glass of water? says the waitress. Sure, that will do. The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. Are you going to eat that chili? Nope, it's yours if you want it says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says Yep, same thing happened to me.
A man goes into a diner and sees the guy next to him repeatedly stabbing his Salad.
"Why are you stabbing your salad?" He asks.
"I'm making it a Caeser salad."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One fine day, down at the local diner.
A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:
**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**
His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He wants bacon and eggs."
Why do diners in Kansas put a red star next to Vanilla ice cream?
to warn that it may be considered "too spicey" for the average customer
A man walked in to a diner
He sat down and ordered bacon, eggs, toast, and a coffee. The waitress said "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve toast here."
He got up and said "well if you don't serve toast, I must leave at once."
He was lack-toast intolerant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...
He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.
"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"
Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a q**...?"
The waitress is appalled. "Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton."
After she storms off, one of the president's advisors leans over and says "Hey, uh, George, it's pronounced *keesh*."
A penguin has car trouble...(oldie)
He pulls his car into a gas/service/diner and asks them to check it out.
"OK buddy, we'll get right on it. Shouldn't take more than a couple minutes. You can wait in the diner if you want."
so mr. penguin goes to the diner and orders a large sundae. after he's done he goes back to the mechanic
"Hey pal, I hate to tell you this but it looks like you blew a seal!"
"Oh heavens no," says the penguin "its just ice cream"
*obviously not original but i've only heard it once so i thought id give it a shot
A man walks into a diner for breakfast...
He asks to look at the special. The waitress tells him the special is chicken tongue. Horrified, the man says "I would never eat something that came out of a chicken's mouth!"
"Fine," says the waitress, "What'll you have?"
The man replies, "Two scrambled eggs please."
Truck Driver and the Bikers
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
A man steps in a diner and orders some coffee...
The waitress brings it over and lies it on the table. The moment the man takes a sip, he spits it out, shouting, "This coffee tastes like boiled dirt!", and the waitress says, "I wouldn't be surprised, it was ground this morning."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old English gentleman walks into a diner in the USA
He sees the clients are either truckers or bikers and the place is a mess and has way more clients than they should, he sits down, asks for the menu and sees a large colorful print:
"Buy a meal and get a h**... from the coo For 10$!"
He walks into the kitchen and sees a gorgeous blone, he asks
"Excuse me young lady, are you the cook who gives..."extra services"?"
"Well yes I am..." She says playfully.
"Would you be a dear then and wash your hands please? I would like an omelette"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes into a white supremacist diner..
He orders "2 eggs over easy."
The waiter brought out just egg w**....
"Where is the rest of my food?" Asked the patron
The waiter replied "w**... only in my diner! This is no yoke!"
Private investigator
(At a fancy diner with wife and her friend)
Wife's friend: So, what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a private investigator
Wife: Kieth, you're allowed to say gynecologist
Me: People are eating, Linda!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bill Clinton and Al Gore decide to go eat out at a diner
After giving them some time, the waitress comes and asks if they are ready to order.
Bill goes, "Yes, I'd like to have a q**... please."
"A q**...?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the menu."
Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it is pronounced 'Quiche'..."
An Australian man sits down in an American diner
And orders a cup of coffee. The waiter comes back and hands the man his drink. He takes a drink and calls the waiter back.
Is something the matter? Says the waiter.
Yes, said the man. I ordered a coffee, but I got a cup of hazelnut creamer.
I'm sorry for the mix up sir, but you did specifically order a cup of hazelnut coffeemate.
A man sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
At an local Alabama diner with my son, husband, and brother
That's when I realized, everyone in this room has been inside of me...
A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...
The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.
The waiter responds, I assure you it's not. In the morning he makes donuts.
Two guys go into a diner...
The waitress comes up and says, "What'll ya have."
The first man says, I'll have a hamburger.
The waitress lifts one arm, pulls a patty out of her armpit, lifts the arm and pulls a bun out of the other armpit.
She turns to the second guy, "What'll you have?"
The second guy says, "I was thinking of having a hot dog but I've changed my mind."
A diner was disgusted to find a hare in his salad
It was already halfway through the lettuce
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili..
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili... Long The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as l got, too"
If you can buy dinner in a diner ...
Then what can you buy in Niger?
A man walks into a diner that claims to have the best chili in the world
He sits down at the counter and asks for a bowl of chili. The waitress responds "Sorry but the man next to you got our last bowl."
He looks over at the man and he's just sitting there not eating. He asks the man "Are you going to eat that or what?"
The man slides the bowl over to him and says "All yours"
The man starts chowing down until his spoon hits something in the chili, he looks down and sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all of the chili back into the bowl.
The other man says "Yeah thats about as far as I got too."
Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...
She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."
I got kicked out of a Diner yesterday..
I guess I shouldn't have said massaged when the waitress asked how I'd like my eggs.
I remember a time when, "speed,"
was something you acquire when you need to dip out of a diner bill.
A diner ordered the chicken parmesan at a restaurant
Waiter: "Actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i'm very sorry, sir ."
Diner: "No parm, no fowl."
My local diner added crab meat to their burgers without telling me.
It was a real crabbypatty.
What does a chess player and an Australian diner have in common?
They both say, check mate .
Waiter: "What'll it be?"
Diner: "I'll have the chameleon."
Waiter: "That's not on the menu."
Diner: "How can you be sure?"
Rabbi Schwartz and Father O'Malley were at a diner enjoying lunch
Father O'Malley put down his ham and cheese sandwich and commented, This sandwich is so good! Kosher dietary restrictions made sense in ancient times, but when are you going to join the modern age and eat delicious, wholesome food like this?
Without missing a beat, Rabbi Schwartz replied, At your wedding.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner
"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"
His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."
The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"
Diner: Can I ask about the menu please?
Waitress: The men I please are none of your business!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out Help, does anyone know CPR?! Yes! I cried. They're three letters in the alphabet! Everyone laughed
Well, except for o**..., I guess he didn't get the joke.
An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.
The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.
The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.
The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.
The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."
a traveling salesman ...
So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look much better.
Deciding not to take any chances, the salesman orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.
The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.
The salesman says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"
The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."
And the salesman says, "Cancel the hot dog."
There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.
He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.
As they are marveling about this, the waitress comes up to them. The biker gang says that the truck driver wasn't much of a fighter.
The waitress then looks out into the night and says, He doesn't look to be much of a driver either. He just ran over 3 motorcycles.
A waitress at a diner gives a man his check.
As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.
Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.
A man flags down a waitress at a diner...
"Hi... could I get a coffee please?"
"Of course... how do you take it?"
"Sugar, no cream"
"I'm sorry, we're out of cream. Would you like it without milk instead?"
This time of year reminds me of that time I spent Christmas on the road ...
I stopped into a little diner for breakfast, and ordered the Christmas Eggs Benedict. The waitress came and delivered it on a shiny metal plate. I said, "This is fancy." She replied, "Well hon', you know there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
Rosco sat down at the truck stop diner and called the waitress over.
I'd like the beef stew and a kind word, he said to the waitress.
After she dropped off the stew he said What about the kind word?
The waitress smiled at him and whispered Don't eat the stew.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is in diner with his two young boys...
The waitress comes to the table to take their order. The man says, "I'll have the chicken fried steak."
She jots that down and asks the oldest boy "What would you like, sweetie?"
The boys answers, "I'll have a g**... cheeseburger."
The father angrily backhands the boy.
The waitress asks the other boy, "What would you like, hon?"
The boy says, "Well... I don't know. But you can bet your sweet a**... I ain't gonna have a g**... cheeseburger!"
