Diner Jokes

94 diner jokes and hilarious diner puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about diner that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Diner Short Jokes

Short diner jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The diner humour may include short dinner jokes also.

  1. Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing. Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...
  2. A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner. Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"
  3. I wish Johnny rocket would stop claiming to be an authentic 40s diner... ... I see black people eating there All the time.
  4. I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.
  5. A new lawyer walks into a diner. Where's the bar? she asks. A waiter responds, You passed it before you got here.
  6. So a pregnant woman walks into a diner. A pregnant woman walks into a diner, and the server says:
    "Hi there, are ya hungry?"
    The fetus replies:
    "Nah, I gestate."
  7. A problem at the restaurant Waiter!" shouted the furious diner. "How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!"
    "My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."
  8. A blonde is at the diner A blonde is at a diner and when the waitress comes to take the order, the blonde reads the name tag out loud:
    'Debbie, how sweet.... what do you call the other one?'
  9. Gluten free Diner: We don't eat dairy, eggs, meat, soy, gluten, or nuts. What do you recommend we get?
    Waitress: Out.
  10. What do you think about the new diner on the moon? Food was good but there really wasn't enough atmosphere

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Diner One Liners

Which diner one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with diner? I can suggest the ones about lunch dinner and dining.

  1. What is the cannibal King's favorite joke during diner ? "There's a heir in my soup !"
  2. Guy walks into a bar... Find out more on the next episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and dive.
  3. What did the diner waitress say to Attila? "More coffee, Hun?"
  4. I wanted my leftovers in a to-go box, but the diner was out of them. Foiled again.
  5. Got my check at a diner today... ...I tipped vibes .
  6. How did they know the panda robbed the diner? Because a panda eats shoots and leaves
  7. How is the government in 2018 like a diner? No substitutions!
  8. A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...
  9. There was an early bird special at the diner So I ordered Archaeopteryx.
  10. The CEO of Berkshire Hathaway should open a diner. And call it Warren's Buffet.
  11. What did the frog order at the new diner? French flies and a diet croak.
  12. What is only four dollars and a great deal at the Vampire diner? The phlebotomist's cup.
  13. What do you call a restaurant at the bottom of the sea? A Scuba Diner
  14. How is a panda like a gunman in a diner? They both eat shoots and leaves.
  15. I came across a 24 hour diner once... I said, "Hey man, maybe you should take a break".

Diner joke, I came across a 24 hour diner once...

Gather Around for Heartwarming Diner Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about diner you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dinner party jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make diner pranks.

How Worcestershire Sauce got its name

In the late 1800s in New Orleans a chef in a restaurant had just whipped up a concoction to be applied to meat and he asked a waiter to take it out to a well-lubed patron for a test. The diner was of course most agreeable and added quite a bit of it to his cut of beef. Upon tasting it, he rather liked it and turned around to hail the waiter by clumsily calling out, "Hey, whorsh diss'here sauce??", and so the name was thereupon given.

A guy driving through Alaska has car trouble.

He finds a garage in town, and the mechanic tells him he'll check out the car, and to go across the street to the diner and have lunch during the wait, because it will take about 30 minutes.
The guy goes to the diner, then back to the garage in a half hour, and asks the mechanic what's up.
Mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
Guy wipes his mouth and says, "No - that was just the vanilla ice cream I had for dessert."

What does a cyborg order at a diner?

A Cyborger

Penguin is driving down the road...

when his car breaks down. He gets it towed to the nearest mechanic who tells him it will be a while before it's fixed, so he goes to the diner next door to get some lunch while he waits.
He comes back an hour or so later and asks the mechanic what happened with his car...mechanic tells him that he blew a seal. He looks at the mechanic, wipes his lip, and says 'nope, that's just tartar sauce.'

So a man rides his camel through New York...

and leaves it to go to a diner. When he comes back, his camel is missing, so he goes to the police.
The police ask a few questions. "Was the camel male or female?"
The man replies, "I'm not entirely sure- Wait! I remember! It's male it has to be!
"How do you know?"
"Well, when I was riding through town people kept pointing and saying "Look at the shmuck on that camel!"

Just in time for the holidays

A guy goes back to his home town for Christmas, and he stops by the local diner to get his favorite breakfast, eggs Benedict. But he has a special request, he wants it served on a big shiny metal plate. The waiter doesn't understand why, so he asks him "Sir, why do you want eggs Benedict on a shiny metal plate?" And the man says "Because there's no place like chrome for the hollandaise."

Two opposing candidates for county office...

... happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

Guy sits down at a diner

He is looking at the menu deciding what he wants when the person next to him orders a double cheeseburger. The waitress takes the order and pulls two frozen burger patties from the freezer. She sticks one under each armpit.
The guy asks what she is doing. She shrugs and says "defrosting the meat". The guy thinks for a minute and says "I'll have the hot dog".

A fox walks into a diner

and orders a six layered sandwich.

A conversation between two strangers in a diner...

Man #1: You know, without the mustache you'd look just like my first wife.
Man #2: I don't have a mustache!
Man #1: She did.

When I was at the diner tonight my waitress had a black eye.

When I ordered I ordered real slow because apparently she don't listen so good.

At the sushi restaurant: What kind of eel is this?

Diner at the sushi restaurant: "What kind of eel is this?"
Waiter: "Do you love it?"
Diner: "yeah"
Waiter: "Then, that's a moray"

A man goes into a diner and sees the guy next to him repeatedly stabbing his Salad.

"Why are you stabbing your salad?" He asks.
"I'm making it a Caeser salad."

One fine day, down at the local diner.

A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:

**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**

His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He wants bacon and eggs."

Why do diners in Kansas put a red star next to Vanilla ice cream?

to warn that it may be considered "too spicey" for the average customer

A man walked in to a diner

He sat down and ordered bacon, eggs, toast, and a coffee. The waitress said "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve toast here."
He got up and said "well if you don't serve toast, I must leave at once."
He was lack-toast intolerant.

It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...

He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.
"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"
Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a q**...?"
The waitress is appalled. "Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton."
After she storms off, one of the president's advisors leans over and says "Hey, uh, George, it's pronounced *keesh*."

A man walks into a diner for breakfast...

He asks to look at the special. The waitress tells him the special is chicken tongue. Horrified, the man says "I would never eat something that came out of a chicken's mouth!"
"Fine," says the waitress, "What'll you have?"
The man replies, "Two scrambled eggs please."

A man steps in a diner and orders some coffee...

The waitress brings it over and lies it on the table. The moment the man takes a sip, he spits it out, shouting, "This coffee tastes like boiled dirt!", and the waitress says, "I wouldn't be surprised, it was ground this morning."

I was sitting in a diner waiting order, when I hear,

"Does anyone know cpr?"
I said, "I know the entire alphabet!"
We all laughed and laughed...except o**....

What did the ICE agents say after they finished eating at a diner?

"I think we'll take Juan for the road too."

Bill is out campaigning with Hillary...

they stop for lunch in a small diner and when Bill orders, he says, "I'll have a q**...."
The waitress giggles and Hillary glares, but says nothing.
The next day, at lunch in a diner, Bill orders: "I'll have a q**...."
Same response.
The third day, Bill ordering lunch says, "I'll have a q**...."
Not able to take the humiliation any more, Hillary slaps his arm and says, "d**... Bill! It's pronounced 'quiche!'"
^(Note: I like the Trump jokes, and the recent Bill joke, but I thought this old joke fit Bill better.)

A man goes into a white supremacist diner..

He orders "2 eggs over easy."
The waiter brought out just egg w**....
"Where is the rest of my food?" Asked the patron
The waiter replied "w**... only in my diner! This is no yoke!"

Private investigator

(At a fancy diner with wife and her friend)
Wife's friend: So, what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a private investigator
Wife: Kieth, you're allowed to say gynecologist
Me: People are eating, Linda!

The thermos. [Long]

A guy (MAN A) walks into a diner, sits down, and pulls a thermos from his backpack. Across the room, a man at the counter, (MAN B) noticed the man.
MAN B: "Hey you! What you got there?"
MAN A: "It's called a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot, and cold stuff cold!"
MAN B: "Wow! I gotta get me one of those!!!"
The next day, the same to men, (A and B) walk into the same diner.
MAN B: "Hey look! I picked me up one of those thermos things!"
MAN A: "Great! What did you bring for lunch?"
MAN B: "2 hotdogs and a popsicle for dessert!"

A man walks into a diner, and orders eggs Benedict with hollandaise sauce, served on a hubcap.

The waiter, perplexed, asks him why. He responds:
There's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise...

Bill Clinton and Al Gore decide to go eat out at a diner

After giving them some time, the waitress comes and asks if they are ready to order.
Bill goes, "Yes, I'd like to have a q**... please."
"A q**...?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the menu."
Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it is pronounced 'Quiche'..."

Old Christmas favorite

Got breakfast at the diner. They serve eggs Benedict on hub caps. Because there's no place like chrome for the hollandaise.

An Australian man sits down in an American diner

And orders a cup of coffee. The waiter comes back and hands the man his drink. He takes a drink and calls the waiter back.
Is something the matter? Says the waiter.
Yes, said the man. I ordered a coffee, but I got a cup of hazelnut creamer.
I'm sorry for the mix up sir, but you did specifically order a cup of hazelnut coffeemate.

At an local Alabama diner with my son, husband, and brother

That's when I realized, everyone in this room has been inside of me...

A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.
The waiter responds, I assure you it's not. In the morning he makes donuts.

Two guys go into a diner...

The waitress comes up and says, "What'll ya have."
The first man says, I'll have a hamburger.
The waitress lifts one arm, pulls a patty out of her armpit, lifts the arm and pulls a bun out of the other armpit.
She turns to the second guy, "What'll you have?"
The second guy says, "I was thinking of having a hot dog but I've changed my mind."

A diner was disgusted to find a hare in his salad

It was already halfway through the lettuce

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

I got kicked out of a Diner yesterday..

I guess I shouldn't have said massaged when the waitress asked how I'd like my eggs.

A diner ordered the chicken parmesan at a restaurant

Waiter: "Actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i'm very sorry, sir ."
Diner: "No parm, no fowl."

My local diner added crab meat to their burgers without telling me.

It was a real crabbypatty.

What does a chess player and an Australian diner have in common?

They both say, check mate .

The hot dog

So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look too good, either.
Deciding he'd better not take any chances, the guy orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.
The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.
The guy says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"
The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."
And the guy says, "Cancel the hot dog."

Waiter: "What'll it be?"

Diner: "I'll have the chameleon."
Waiter: "That's not on the menu."
Diner: "How can you be sure?"

Rabbi Schwartz and Father O'Malley were at a diner enjoying lunch

Father O'Malley put down his ham and cheese sandwich and commented, This sandwich is so good! Kosher dietary restrictions made sense in ancient times, but when are you going to join the modern age and eat delicious, wholesome food like this?
Without missing a beat, Rabbi Schwartz replied, At your wedding.

A man in a hurry goes to a diner and ordered a pancake

He asked, Will it be long?
The cook replied, No, it'll be round.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner

"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"
His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."
The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"

Diner: Can I ask about the menu please?

Waitress: The men I please are none of your business!

I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out Help, does anyone know CPR?! Yes! I cried. They're three letters in the alphabet! Everyone laughed

Well, except for o**..., I guess he didn't get the joke.

An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.

The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.
The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.
The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.
The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."

a traveling salesman ...

So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look much better.
Deciding not to take any chances, the salesman orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.
The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.
The salesman says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"
The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."
And the salesman says, "Cancel the hot dog."

There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.
As they are marveling about this, the waitress comes up to them. The biker gang says that the truck driver wasn't much of a fighter.
The waitress then looks out into the night and says, He doesn't look to be much of a driver either. He just ran over 3 motorcycles.

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check.

As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.
Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.

A man flags down a waitress at a diner...

"Hi... could I get a coffee please?"
"Of course... how do you take it?"
"Sugar, no cream"
"I'm sorry, we're out of cream. Would you like it without milk instead?"

This time of year reminds me of that time I spent Christmas on the road ...

I stopped into a little diner for breakfast, and ordered the Christmas Eggs Benedict. The waitress came and delivered it on a shiny metal plate. I said, "This is fancy." She replied, "Well hon', you know there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Two attorneys went into a diner

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

Rosco sat down at the truck stop diner and called the waitress over.

I'd like the beef stew and a kind word, he said to the waitress.
After she dropped off the stew he said What about the kind word?
The waitress smiled at him and whispered Don't eat the stew.

A man is in diner with his two young boys...

The waitress comes to the table to take their order. The man says, "I'll have the chicken fried steak."
She jots that down and asks the oldest boy "What would you like, sweetie?"
The boys answers, "I'll have a g**... cheeseburger."
The father angrily backhands the boy.
The waitress asks the other boy, "What would you like, hon?"
The boy says, "Well... I don't know. But you can bet your sweet a**... I ain't gonna have a g**... cheeseburger!"

Diner joke, A new lawyer walks into a diner.

jokes about diner