dime Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious dime puns

If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"


If I had a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on...

I'd be like, "Why ya'll keep giving me all these dimes?"


If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on…

I'd be like Yo, what's with all these dimes?


If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you...

I would definitely think about you


A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.

"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."

"This is unfair!" cried the minister.

"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."


If I got a dime every time I exaggerated...

I'd have a jillion, gazillion bucks!


You heard about the new Jewish designed car?

It stops on a dime... & picks it up.


If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions...

I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.


Little Johnny was made fun of...

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"


If I had a dime for every time I said a racist comment......

I'd probably get robbed by a black guy.


So there is a a Russian, American, Cuban and a Mexican in a boat.

They are all hanging out relaxing, when suddenly the Cuban takes out a cuban cigar. He takes 2 puffs of it and throws it overboard.

"What are you doing? thats a really nice cuban cigar!" he was asked.
"Oh its no big deal, where I'm from they are a dime a dozen."
Thats pretty bad ass everyone thought and they continued to relax.

Soon the Russian pulled out a bottle of some very nice russian vodka, pored himself 2 shots and threw it overboard.
"Whats the deal, that was very nice russian vodka!" he was asked
"Oh what that? Thats nothing, where i'm from vodka flows like water, its really not a problem."
Everyone thought this was pretty bad ass.

Soon they are relaxing again and the American thinks:
"Hmm what can i do to impress everybody?"
So he grabs the Mexican and throws him overboard.


Good Mother in Law

A daughter was talking to her mom about married life, she told her mom that she wanted to divorce her husband because he liked anal sex. She told her mom that when she married her husband her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mom said honey, he is a millionaire, he gives you $10,000 a week for clothes, you travel all the time, you have houses all over the world, you get a new Mercedes every 6 months and you are bitching about 15 cents?


A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress What can a guy get for a dime? Not much, how about a glass of water? says the waitress. Sure, that will do. The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. Are you going to eat that chili? Nope, it's yours if you want it says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says Yep, same thing happened to me.


If I had a dime for every math problem I get wrong

I'd have $1.46


Have you heard about the new car from Israel?

Not only does it stop on the dime, but it picks it up too!


A Million Dollars

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.

"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"

GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"

GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."

The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"

GOD said, "In a minute."


Did you hear about the new Jewish Sports Car?

It stops on a dime then picks it up.


Dimension Dummies

The zero(th), first, second, third, and fourth dimension go to a party. A guy comes over and says "can I tell you guys a joke?" The fourth dimension says "No, I don't have time for that." The second dimension says "Chill, bro, you're acting so plain." The first dimension says "Hey guys, you're crossing the line." The third dimension says "Yeah, give him some space." "You've got a point," adds the zero(th) dimension. "Damn dimensions," says the guy "always plotting something."


A latino goes to a vending machine

He gets a soda for 75c. He puts in 65c. The machine says "dime", so he whispers quiero una pepsi porfavor


If I had a dime for every time I didn't think something through...

I'd have...well, I don't know really, I guess a lot of dimes.

Oh hey, just found a dime.


A Hispanic man goes to a vending machine...

A Hispanic man goes to a vending machine and puts in 40 cents. The machine displays "DIME" on the screen. The man gets close to the machine and whispers, "Yo quiero Pepsi"


Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company?

Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.


If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change

I'd still say no.


A guy wants to build a nuke. He goes to a supplier and asks...

"How much are the protons?"

"A dime a dozen, and the neutrons are free of charge."


So a Hispanic man walks into a bar...

He sees an old cigarette machine and decides to buy a pack. He puts in his change and the machine flashes the words, DIME, DIME, DIME. He looks around and whispers to the machine, Malboro.


Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth more. He quietly responded, "If I take the dime, they will stop offering me the money. I've made $20 already!"


An elderly couple

An elderly couple, he was 93 and she was 94, got broke. They didn't have a single dime and all options were exhausted.
They decided that she had to sell herself on the street, so she went out for a day of hard labor.
After a day she came back and put 20 dollars and 10 cents on the table.
- What the hell! Who paid 10 cents?
- Everybody...


I'm divorcing Norman

A woman said to her mother, "All the pervert wants is anal sex. My rectum is now the size of a 50-cent piece! It used to be about the size of a dime!"
Her mother replied, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over some asshole worth 40 fucking cents?"


Volkswagen announces it will open a facility in Israel to make a new advanced vehicle...

The new models are are so advanced not only will they stop on a dime, they'll actually pick it up.


Did you hear about the new Israeli sports car?

It turns on a dime then goes back and picks it up.


How many dimensions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. Two to rotate, one to get it done in time.


A latino goes to buy soda for 75 cents, he puts in 65

The machine reads "dime" so he gets closer and whispers "quiero Pepsi".


Why is 2 dimensional soda not popular?

Because it's always flat.


Jewish Car

Did you hear about the new Jewish car?

Not only can it turn on a dime, but it can go back and pick it up too


I'm going to get a dime-sized spider tattooed on my penis.

It's the only way I can get women to shout "Oh my God it's huge!" when they see my dick.


What are the most funny Dime jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Dime? Well, here are the best Dime dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Dime pick up lines to share with friends.

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