Dime Jokes

What are some Dime jokes?

If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on…

I'd be like Yo, what's with all these dimes?

If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you...

I would definitely think about you

A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.

"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."

"This is unfair!" cried the minister.

"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."

If I got a dime every time I exaggerated...

I'd have a jillion, gazillion bucks!

You heard about the new Jewish designed car?

It stops on a dime... & picks it up.

If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions...

I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

Little Johnny was made fun of...

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress What can a guy get for a dime? Not much, how about a glass of water? says the waitress. Sure, that will do. The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. Are you going to eat that chili? Nope, it's yours if you want it says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says Yep, same thing happened to me.

If I had a dime for every math problem I get wrong

I'd have $1.46

Have you heard about the new car from Israel?

Not only does it stop on the dime, but it picks it up too!

A Million Dollars

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.

"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"

GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"

GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."

The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"

GOD said, "In a minute."

A latino goes to a vending machine

He gets a soda for 75c. He puts in 65c. The machine says "dime", so he whispers quiero una pepsi porfavor

If I had a dime for every time I didn't think something through...

I'd have...well, I don't know really, I guess a lot of dimes.

Oh hey, just found a dime.

A Hispanic man goes to a vending machine...

A Hispanic man goes to a vending machine and puts in 40 cents. The machine displays "DIME" on the screen. The man gets close to the machine and whispers, "Yo quiero Pepsi"

Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company?

Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change

I'd still say no.

So a Hispanic man walks into a bar...

He sees an old cigarette machine and decides to buy a pack. He puts in his change and the machine flashes the words, DIME, DIME, DIME. He looks around and whispers to the machine, Malboro.

A guy wants to build a nuke. He goes to a supplier and asks...

"How much are the protons?"

"A dime a dozen, and the neutrons are free of charge."

Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth more. He quietly responded, "If I take the dime, they will stop offering me the money. I've made $20 already!"

Volkswagen announces it will open a facility in Israel to make a new advanced vehicle...

The new models are are so advanced not only will they stop on a dime, they'll actually pick it up.

Did you hear about the new Israeli sports car?

It turns on a dime then goes back and picks it up.

How many dimensions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. Two to rotate, one to get it done in time.

Jewish Car

Did you hear about the new Jewish car?

Not only can it turn on a dime, but it can go back and pick it up too

A latino goes to buy soda for 75 cents, he puts in 65

The machine reads "dime" so he gets closer and whispers "quiero Pepsi".

Why is 2 dimensional soda not popular?

Because it's always flat.

The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive.

"I was young, married and out of work," he lectured. "I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each."

"I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money and grew a big business."

"No," said the CEO. "Then my wife's father died and left me a fortune."

Fake people are like pennies

Two-faced and not worth a dime.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signalling

...I could buy a BMW.

I'm never again donating a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon.

They just take the money and run.

Not a dime of our taxes was used to buy bookmarks....

Politicians prefer to bend a page over.

A Mexican man puts two quarters and a nickel into a vending machine to buy a soda

but the price is 65 cents. Instead of dispensing the soda the machine it reads "DIME" so the man leans in and says Quiero una Coca

If I had a dime for every homeless man that asked for money

I would probably keep it for myself.

This vehicle stopped on a dime.

Unfortunately the dime was in Joeys pocket.

Carpe Dime

Seize the coin.

You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you?


First job

A teenager walks proudly home one afternoon to tell his farther dime good news.

Teen: Hey dad, guys what, today i got my first job!

Father: Congratulations son, I'm very proud of you. How much does it pay?

Teen: (confused) well, so far I'm out 20 bucks. But if she starts paying me, I may have found a career!

Why did the nickel jump of the building but the dime did not?

Because the dime had more cents.

Where does a two dimensional man live?

A flat.

My grandmother is so cross-eyed, she dropped a dime..

... And picked up two nickels.

Firestien just came out with a new Jewish tire.

It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up too.

My city has been putting in tons of toll booths. Yesterday I had to pay ten cents before they'd let me pass through an intersection!

At least I was able to turn on a dime.

They always told me you have to spend money to make money

I've maxed out 2 credit cards already and about to lose my home and I haven't made a single dime yet!

Did you hear about the new Jewish Tires?

They stop on a dime and pick it up too.

My dealer needed to do laundry

so i sold him a dime bag of quarters.

You know what's great about jewish tires?

They don't just turn on a dime, they pick it up too

Why did the nickle leave the penny on the ground?

It's not worth his dime.

If I had a dime for every time A beautiful woman looked at me longingly...

I'd have a cent and a half from that time I met Handsome Steve.

If I had a dime for every time I bragged about my bank balance

I'd have 10 cents.

Not a dime in my bank account was inherited.

It was gifted to me by my parents, whom are still alive and well!

If I had a dime for every nickel I had

I would have three cents

How do you know you're playing a Jewish Football team (American Football)

On defense, they only run the Dime Formation

How did the gangster die below the Empire State Building?

Someone dropped a dime on him.

If I had a dime for every time I got annoyed at American-english....

I wouldn't know how much I had. Why can't you americans just use numbers.

What do you call a homeless transformer?

Optimus dime.

I feel bad for whoever invented the change machine.

The poor guy never made a dime off of it.

Why was the orange-colored metal police officer found not guilty of trespassing inside the world largest dime?

Everyone knew that copper was in a cent.

Who was the sexiest U.S. president?

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 32nd U.S. President

He was a dime piece

Did you hear about the new Israeli Sportscar?

Not only will it stop on a dime but it'll pick the thing up too!

The Jews have designed a sports car...

It can stop on a dime, and the Jew got out and picked it up.

How to make Dime jokes?

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