Diet Jokes

What are some Diet jokes?

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.

He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.

Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.

Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.

He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.

This diet also gave him very bad breath.

This made him...


A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

Why did the blonde snort splenda?

She thought it was diet coke.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.

CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.

CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.

CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.

They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills.

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries'

But I'm on a glute-free diet

Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.

Thought I'd share a favorite on my cake day

Gandhi used to walk barefoot on most days, neglecting modern footwear, and eventually grew a strong set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather weak and with his odd diet, suffered from very, very bad breath. To others he smelled atrocious, this super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A blonde walks into a library..

she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"

*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."

If I had a dollar for every time my wife said she was going on a diet

I'd be able to buy her a treadmill she'd never use.

The very spiritual Gandhi walked everywhere, leaving him with impressive calluses. And he ate very little, which made him rather frail. His odd diet also plagued him with bad breath. I guess you could say.....

That he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

I'm going to go on a Brexit diet

The pounds will drop fast.

What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

Gandhi...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I have high cholesterol, so my doctor has me on the "period" diet

One egg a month

Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?

The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.

"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.

"No," replied the doctor.

"They're the only things we can slip under the door."

I'm on a whiskey diet...

I've lost three days already.

Not to brag, but I finished this 14 day diet...

in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

So there was a monk...

This particular monk could only eat garlic for his religious diet, which made him EXTREMELY weak, and also gave him bad breath. Also, like most other monks he wore no shoes, which gave him many callouses.
This made him a "super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis."

I started a diet two weeks ago

So far I've lost 14 days

Mahatma Gandhi...

...walked barefoot a lot, which probably produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. I've heard he also ate very little, which could have made him rather frail. The odd diet he kept leads me to believe he suffered from bad breath. I suppose you could have called him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I started a new diet..

Where I only eat things I can pronounce. I thought it would help me lose weight, but I just became a better reader.

Skip a Day

During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."

When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"

The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."

"From hunger?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

Why can't a lesbian diet and wear make up at the same time?

Because..........It is hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.

Problems in bed

A man and his wife have been having some problems in bed so one day the woman tells her husband, "Maybe you should get some pills to help you out."

He agrees.

When he gets home from work she asks him if he got the pills.

He replies, "Yeah, here you go," and with this he throws her a bottle of diet pills.

A news reporter arrives at the house of the world's oldest man.

The man has just turned 115 years old. The reporter asks him "So, what would you say is the secret to your long life?" The man replies, "Well, I'd say that it has to do with my nature. I never argue with others, which I think has prevented a lot of stress." The reporter is baffled by this answer, and says, "Well, surely that can't be the only reason you've lived this long! Don't you think it has more to do with your diet or exercise regime?" The old man thinks about about it for a moment, and answers back, "You know, maybe you're right."

Mahatma Gandhi wanted to be a babysitter...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Nevertheless, in his final years he decided that he wanted to be a babysitter and sent an application to the Babysitter University. Unfortunately they rejected him, stating that they could not accept an applicant that was "A super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis".

Did you hear about this year's newest fad diet coming out of New York and New Jersey?

The swim-fast diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.


I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.


When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.


Wow, that's amazing! the doctor says.


Did you follow my instructions?


The blonde nods…


I'll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."


From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.


No, from skipping, replied the blonde.

After developing erectile dysfunction, a man tries all the medically recognised treatment...

Pharmaceuticals, change in diet etc. Nothing worked. At the end of his rope, he gives a medicine man a try. The medicine man gives him a natural remedy and tells him, "When you're ready for it to take effect, say, '1,2,3'. When you're done, say, '1,2,3,4'."
The medicine man assured him it would work, so when he got home, he confidently strode into his bedroom. He ripped off his pants and said, "Honey, watch this! 1,2,3!" and instantly had the strongest erection of his life.
His wife said, "That's great, honey, but what's the '1,2,3' for?"

Moral of the story:Never end a sentence with a preposition.

Don't worry about straying from your diet today.

It's Tom Brady's cheat day, too.

Winning Blonde !!!

A beautiful blonde walks into a casino and over to a soda machine and arrives there just before a business man who's come to quench his thirst. She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents , studies the machine , presses the Diet Coke selection , and out comes a Diet coke , which she places on a counter by the machine. Then she reaches in her purse again and pulls out a dollar and inserts it in the machine.Studying the machine carefully, she presses the button for coca cola classic and out came a coke classic and 50 cents change.She takes the 50 cents and puts it in the machine , studies for a moment , and presses the sprite button.Out comes a sprite. As she is reaching into her purse again , the business man who has been waiting patiently for several minutes,speaks up"Excuse me miss , but are you done yet?" She looks at him and indignantly replies,"Well, Duh! I'm like , still winning!"

I'm trying to cut butter out of my diet...

...by a large margarine.

I was considering going on an all almond diet.

But that's just nuts.

I'm on the Gin & Tonic diet and its going great....

so far I've lost 2 days.

I recently tried the fruitarian diet, where you can only eat things that fall from trees

I only lasted a day. All I had was 3 apples and an owl.

Ghandi

Mahatma Gandhi lived a strange life

Because of his odd diet, he was plagued by a constant case of bad breath. This diet also left him rather thin and frail.

Because he didn't wear shoes, and he walked everywhere, he developed an impressively thick set of calluses on the soles of his feet.

All-in-all, he was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

LESBIAN DIET

Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
A: Because they cant eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time.

Mahatma Ghandi walked thousands of miles with bare feet...

This caused him to develop an impressive set of callouses.

He also are very little, which made him rather frail, and due to this strange diet, suffered from bad breath.

All told, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What distance does light travel on a diet?

Lite years.

Dear Diet Coke,

I feel like you're overreacting.

Sincerely,
Mentos

Hey there's this new diet that can help lose pounds fast!

Its called the Brexit

My driver's side window won't go down.

So I guess I'm on a diet now.

I've been on a tequila diet...

And I've lost 4 days already

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me...

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.

"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,

"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."

"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"

"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."

"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."

So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."

Why did the blond snort NutraSweet?

She thought it was diet coke.

Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy.

The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.

Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?

It was on a strict diet of worms.

I'm on a whiskey diet

So far I've lost two weeks

I've been on this new Vodka diet.

It's great, I've lost 3 days already!

What does a vampire drink while on a diet?

Blood Light®.

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins...

...that
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his
supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way
back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting
gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

What does a gay horse eat?

A nutritious and balanced diet provided by their owner, you bigots.

There once was an old mystic

He was too poor to afford shoes, so he often had sores on his feet, and since he was old, he could easily break his bones if he was not careful. He also had a very bad diet, so his breath smelt terrible.

I guess you could say he was a....

**Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed with Halitosis**

Don't trust any diet advice that tells you to eat light...

For that's most certainly the way to become a black hole.

My former roommate was overweight so he asked me for a diet idea. I told him to stop eating after 8 PM.

He had dinner at 7 PM that day, and died of starvation a few days later.

So, I've recently started a whiskey diet...

I've lost three days already.

Dave : How's the diet going?

Dave : How's the diet going?

Karen : Well, today's my cheat day

Dave : What does that mean?

Guy in bed : Don't worry about it

As per the doctor's recommendation, I have decided to rid my diet of trans fat.

Goodbye Tumblr!

A Blonde Goes On A Diet

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Obesity runs in my family.

An obese woman goes to the doctor. The doctor prescribes diet and exercise. The woman says, "Doctor, you don't understand. My mother is obese. My father is obese. My sister is obese. My brother is obese. My aunts are obese. Obesity runs in my family. " The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

My wife told me to go to the doctor to get some of those pills that help get an erection

Mfw I brought her a box of diet pills.

I don't want to brag about my 14-day diet

but I've completed it in 4 hours.

A reporter is interveiwing the worlds oldest man.

She ask him "how have you manged to live so long?"

The man replies "it's simple, I never argue with people."

The reporter says "surely there's something more to it? Diet? Exercise? Something?"

The man thinks for a moment and then says "if you say so..."

If you want to lose weight, start the Lance Armstrong diet

Just have one nut

Q: What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?

A: A desserter.

Topical Jokes for 11/2

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

In Alabama, a man who robbed a Subway said he did so because he tried the Subway Diet , but didn't lose weight. Police describe the suspect as armed and extremely gullible.

In New York City, a health department worker was suspended for using a robotic-sounding voice when answering the phone. During the man's suspension, his phone will be answered by an actual robot.

A Maryland man has been charged with sending an email that threatened to kill President Obama. Obama said it was the nicest email he's gotten in months.

In Texas, a man called the police after a woman broke into his home, and performed oral sex on him without his consent. Police arrived on the scene, and the man was arrested.

A polar bear walks into a restaurant..

The polar bear tells the waitress,
"I'll have a Diet Coke, a double cheeseburger and a-"
...

...

... "side of fries."

"What's with the long pause!?" The waitress asked.

The polar bear replied,
"I was born with them."

A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain

He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work

HAGS disease

"I am afraid you have HAGS disease," the doctor explained, "That is Herpes, Aids, Gonorrhea, and Syphilis, so we are immediately putting you on a pizza and pancake diet."

"Those foods will cure me?" he is asked.

"No," says the doctor, "But those foods we can slide under the door to the room we are locking you up in!"

A man visits a dentist

He has horrible pain in his mouth.

The dentist examines him, and says, "There is extensive damage in here, what is your diet like?"
The man says, "Hollandaise sauce. Morning, noon and night. I eat it on everything."
"Well, the damage seems very extensive, but I think I can fix it. You will need several root canals, and then I will install a chrome plate."
"A chrome plate? That seems really severe."
"Don't worry, you will be able to eat anything you want. No problems."
"Even hollandaise? I really love that sauce."
"Why sure, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

How does Thanos keep in shape?

With a balanced diet.

I recently switched to an all Middle Eastern diet and can't say I recommend it

I falafel.

How to make Diet jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Diet to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Diet? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Diet pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes