The Best 90 Diet Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Diet jokes. There are some diet preservatives jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these diet exercise puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Diet Jokes and Puns

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

Why can't a lesbian diet and wear make up at the same time?

Because..........It is hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins...

...that
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his
supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way
back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting
gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Diet joke, A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins...

Gandhi...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I'm on a whiskey diet...

I've lost three days already.


Skip a Day

During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."

When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"

The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."

"From hunger?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills.

Diet joke, The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.

Mahatma Gandhi...

...walked barefoot a lot, which probably produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. I've heard he also ate very little, which could have made him rather frail. The odd diet he kept leads me to believe he suffered from bad breath. I suppose you could have called him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A blonde walks into a library..

she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"

*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."

Did you hear about this year's newest fad diet coming out of New York and New Jersey?

The swim-fast diet.

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

You can explore diet nutritionist reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean diet dietitian dad jokes. There are also diet puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Thought I'd share a favorite on my cake day

Gandhi used to walk barefoot on most days, neglecting modern footwear, and eventually grew a strong set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather weak and with his odd diet, suffered from very, very bad breath. To others he smelled atrocious, this super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I started a new diet..

Where I only eat things I can pronounce. I thought it would help me lose weight, but I just became a better reader.

My former roommate was overweight so he asked me for a diet idea. I told him to stop eating after 8 PM.

He had dinner at 7 PM that day, and died of starvation a few days later.

Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?

It was on a strict diet of worms.

LESBIAN DIET

Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
A: Because they cant eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time.

Diet joke, LESBIAN DIET

I have high cholesterol, so my doctor has me on the "period" diet

One egg a month

Why did the blonde snort splenda?

She thought it was diet coke.

Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.


I started a diet two weeks ago

So far I've lost 14 days

Why did the blond snort NutraSweet?

She thought it was diet coke.

I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)

Not to brag, but I finished this 14 day diet...

in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

The very spiritual Gandhi walked everywhere, leaving him with impressive calluses. And he ate very little, which made him rather frail. His odd diet also plagued him with bad breath. I guess you could say.....

That he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me...

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.

"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,

"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."

"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"

"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."

"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."

So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."

I'm on the Gin & Tonic diet and its going great....

so far I've lost 2 days.

A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries'

But I'm on a glute-free diet

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

So there was a monk...

This particular monk could only eat garlic for his religious diet, which made him EXTREMELY weak, and also gave him bad breath. Also, like most other monks he wore no shoes, which gave him many callouses.
This made him a "super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis."

The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

Hey there's this new diet that can help lose pounds fast!

Its called the Brexit

I'm going to go on a Brexit diet

The pounds will drop fast.

What does a vampire drink while on a diet?

Blood Light®.

Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?

The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.

Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy.

The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.

I've been on this new Vodka diet.

It's great, I've lost 3 days already!

Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.

He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.

This diet also gave him very bad breath.

This made him...

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

Dear Diet Coke,

I feel like you're overreacting.

Sincerely,
Mentos

Ghandi

Mahatma Gandhi lived a strange life

Because of his odd diet, he was plagued by a constant case of bad breath. This diet also left him rather thin and frail.

Because he didn't wear shoes, and he walked everywhere, he developed an impressively thick set of calluses on the soles of his feet.

All-in-all, he was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

What distance does light travel on a diet?

Lite years.

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

What does a gay horse eat?

A nutritious and balanced diet provided by their owner, you bigots.

CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.

CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.

CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.

CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.

They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.

He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

I was considering going on an all almond diet.

But that's just nuts.

I'm trying to cut butter out of my diet...

...by a large margarine.

Problems in bed

A man and his wife have been having some problems in bed so one day the woman tells her husband, "Maybe you should get some pills to help you out."

He agrees.

When he gets home from work she asks him if he got the pills.

He replies, "Yeah, here you go," and with this he throws her a bottle of diet pills.

My driver's side window won't go down.

So I guess I'm on a diet now.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

If I had a dollar for every time my wife said she was going on a diet

I'd be able to buy her a treadmill she'd never use.

I'm on a whiskey diet

So far I've lost two weeks

I recently tried the fruitarian diet, where you can only eat things that fall from trees

I only lasted a day. All I had was 3 apples and an owl.

Dave : How's the diet going?

Dave : How's the diet going?

Karen : Well, today's my cheat day

Dave : What does that mean?

Guy in bed : Don't worry about it

What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.

Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.

I've been on a tequila diet...

And I've lost 4 days already

Mahatma Ghandi walked thousands of miles with bare feet...

This caused him to develop an impressive set of callouses.

He also are very little, which made him rather frail, and due to this strange diet, suffered from bad breath.

All told, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.

"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.

"No," replied the doctor.

"They're the only things we can slip under the door."

Don't worry about straying from your diet today.

It's Tom Brady's cheat day, too.

Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...

I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!

Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mass. I've even cut my screen time in half and am reading a book a week.

I have no idea who wrote this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste.

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.

In short, you could say he was a

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

My brother Joe started the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean

Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious.

Now, we all know that Mahatma Gandhi didn't wear shoes when he walked, so he had rather large calluses on his feet. He also did not eat much, making him rather frail, and due to his diet, his breath was unpleasant, to say the least.

He was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?

This is the whey.

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...

It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

I think about dieting sometimes...

It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?

To destroy the lbs.

My dietitian once told me "You are what you eat."

That was his last words though, I am a dietitian now.

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old? Ray replies, It's easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.

The reporter is not impressed. That's insane! he says. It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or 'something.' Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 110 years! Ray looks at the reporter and says, Y'know, maybe you're right.

I love my vegetarian-only diet.

Lambs, Cows, Deers, Rabbits. They're all vegetarians and they're delicious!!

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Wong came and gave me bitter herbs, and I got even worse. On death's door I called for Dr. Chang." "And what did Dr. Chang do?", his friend asks in wonder. The man replies happily, "Dr. Chang did the best of all, he didn't come, so I got well!"

Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?

You will tip over

The Dolly Parton Diet

A guy walks into a bar and orders a light beer. "How's your New Year's diet coming along?" the bartender asks. "It's going okay, but I'm not losing as much as my buddy Joe. He went on that new Dolly Parton diet," the guy says. "It's made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean."

I am doing a new Whiskey diet and it is working. So far I have lost

7 days

I wasn't getting enough fiber in my diet until recently, so my stool was very loose.

Now I've got my shit together.

Have you heard of the Michael Jackson diet?

You just have to start with the man in the mirror, and ask him to change his weighs.

My doctor told me I had to add more apples, pears, and berries to my diet

It was a fruitful checkup.

I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head.

It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.

I started a strictly carnivore diet, but I stopped

it was a fruitless endeavor

Han Solo's diet mainly consists of protein and fat...

But he allows himself one carb a night.

Bon Jovi has been on a fruitarian diet for a few months

He is living on a pear

I recently lost lots of weight by placing bread on my head.

The loaf hat diet

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the diet diet coke jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working diet viagra diet piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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