diet Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious diet puns

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

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Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

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the head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

the brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.

the brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.

the brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.

"a Diet Coke?!," exclaim the others.. "don't you drink Guinness?"

"well shit no one else was having beer I didn't want to be the only one," he complained.

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My wife told me to go to the doctor and get those pills that "help" with an erection...

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

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Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.

He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

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Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

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I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)

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I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

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My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.

Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.

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Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.

He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.

This diet also gave him very bad breath.

This made him...


A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

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Why did the blonde snort splenda?

She thought it was diet coke.

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I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

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My wife told me to get dick pills

She told me to get those pills that make your dick standup.

Man was she surprised when I came back from the pharmacy with diet pills

Pls help, I'm locked out of my house

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CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.

CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.

CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.

CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.

They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

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The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

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The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills.

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"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

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My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries'

But I'm on a glute-free diet

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Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.

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Woman sends her husband to the doctor, because he has erectile problems

He comes home with a bottle of pills. Wife asks, "so, did he give you Viagra, or Cialis?"

Guy says, "Neither, he gave me really strong diet pills."

Wife says, "that's weird, why would you have to take diet pills?"

Handing her the bottle, the man says, "They're not for me. You take one at breakfast and one at bedtime."

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Thought I'd share a favorite on my cake day

Gandhi used to walk barefoot on most days, neglecting modern footwear, and eventually grew a strong set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather weak and with his odd diet, suffered from very, very bad breath. To others he smelled atrocious, this super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Viagra side effect.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a golf buddy of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.

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A blonde walks into a library..

she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"

*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."

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If I had a dollar for every time my wife said she was going on a diet

I'd be able to buy her a treadmill she'd never use.

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An obese man was standing naked in front of his doctor

He said "Doc. I haven't seen my dick in 3 years". Doctor said "Then why don't you diet?" The fat man replied "What color is it now?"

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The very spiritual Gandhi walked everywhere, leaving him with impressive calluses. And he ate very little, which made him rather frail. His odd diet also plagued him with bad breath. I guess you could say.....

That he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

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I'm going to go on a Brexit diet

The pounds will drop fast.

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This is from my boss

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

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Gandhi...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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I have high cholesterol, so my doctor has me on the "period" diet

One egg a month

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Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?

The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.

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What are the most funny Diet jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Diet? Well, here are the best Diet dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Diet pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes