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Diet Jokes

155 diet jokes and hilarious diet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about diet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

A great collection of jokes about dieting that are sure to make you laugh! Get your daily dose of funny on topics from keto dieting to calorie counting and more. Whether you're a nutritionist, on a strict regimen, or just looking for a giggle, these diet jokes are sure to hit the spot.

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Funniest Diet Short Jokes

Short diet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The diet humour may include short nutrition jokes also.

  1. I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.
  2. Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.... .....and it was delicious
  3. I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet" It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
    (England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)
  4. My friend said, I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters. Me: That's a terrible diet for a baby.
  5. A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.
  6. I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house It was delicious
  7. Han Solo's diet mainly consists of protein and fat... But he allows himself one carb a night.
  8. Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet? You will tip over
  9. Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet: Breakfast and dinner.
    My dad told me this joke please laugh.
  10. If I had a dollar for every time my wife said she was going on a diet I'd be able to buy her a treadmill she'd never use.

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Diet One Liners

Which diet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with diet? I can suggest the ones about meal and eating.

  1. Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low? She thought it was diet coke.
  2. Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet? To destroy the lbs.
  3. I had to quit my vegetarian diet Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
  4. Why did the blonde snort splenda? She thought it was diet coke.
  5. The David Cameron diet: You'll never lose your pounds quicker.
  6. Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled? His toga size went from L to XL.
  7. I'm going to go on a Brexit diet The pounds will drop fast.
  8. What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet? Ciao belli
  9. I have high cholesterol, so my doctor has me on the "period" diet One egg a month
  10. I'm on a whiskey diet... I've lost three days already.
  11. Not to brag, but I finished this 14 day diet... in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
  12. I started a diet two weeks ago So far I've lost 14 days
  13. How much dessert does a dieting Jedi eat at an Italian restaurant? Only one cannoli.
  14. What do you call a guy on a diet? Les
  15. Don't worry about straying from your diet today. It's Tom Brady's cheat day, too.

No Diet Day Jokes

Here is a list of funny no diet day jokes and even better no diet day puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm on the Gin & Tonic diet and its going great.... so far I've lost 2 days.
  • I recently tried the fruitarian diet, where you can only eat things that fall from trees I only lasted a day. All I had was 3 apples and an owl.
  • I've been on a tequila diet... And I've lost 4 days already
  • Dave : How's the diet going? Dave : How's the diet going?
    Karen : Well, today's my cheat day
    Dave : What does that mean?
    Guy in bed : Don't worry about it
  • I am doing a new Whiskey diet and it is working. So far I have lost 7 days
  • My former roommate was overweight so he asked me for a diet idea. I told him to stop eating after 8 PM. He had dinner at 7 PM that day, and died of starvation a few days later.
  • What is the most popular day to start a diet? Tomorrow
  • So, I've recently started a whiskey diet... I've lost three days already.
  • I don't want to brag about my 14-day diet but I've completed it in 4 hours.
  • Diet Day 1: Just removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

Balanced Diet Jokes

Here is a list of funny balanced diet jokes and even better balanced diet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What does a gay horse eat? A nutritious and balanced diet provided by their owner, you bigots.
  • How does Thanos keep in shape? With a balanced diet.
  • What does a tight-rope walker eat for breakfast? A Balanced Diet!
  • My doctor says I'm not eating a balanced diet...that's absurd. I eat as many cookies with my left hand as I do with my right!
  • Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker? It wanted a balanced diet.
  • I precariously stack my chips on top of each other. Because I like to eat a balanced diet.
  • What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!
  • I was told I need a more balanced diet. . . . Now I drink with a beer in each hand!
  • My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.
  • Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet
    A: A Budweiser in each hand!
Diet joke

Diet Plan Jokes

Here is a list of funny diet plan jokes and even better diet plan puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds It's called Brexit
  • I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but... ...I just finished it in 72 hours.
  • What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France? "The American Weight Loss Plan."
  • I started two diet plans today Because one wasn't enough to fill my appetite.
  • This NEW diet plan will make you almost NEVER hungry Depression
    Side effects: Depression
  • My personal trainer gave me a diet plan and it was really useful. Now I know that my paper shredder works.
  • What did the Catholic bodybuilder say when he went to confession after falling off a new diet plan? Forgive me Father, For i have binged
  • Brexit was a great diet plan ...because everyone in the UK lost a few pounds overnight.
  • I finally found a diet plan that works. It's called 'The Cost of Food'.
  • I'm worried about the American diet; Looks like they are planning on rich turkey twice this month.

Healthy Diet Jokes

Here is a list of funny healthy diet jokes and even better healthy diet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets? It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.
  • Doctor said a healthy diet consisted of a lot of colors... So I ate skittles
  • If greens are the staples of a healthy diet... I'm gonna need some paperclips.
  • "With our special weight loss supplements and a healthy diet, you can lose over 30 pounds a month!" Fat chance...
  • All my friends from Ecuador seem to be really healthy. I guess the Quito diet is working for them.
  • Healthy human blood must be a low-carb meal... Because it's the most-keto diet.
  • What disease do mumble rappers catch when their diet is not healthy enough? Skrrrvy

Keto Diet Jokes

Here is a list of funny keto diet jokes and even better keto diet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why are these low carb diets like keto so controversial? Because they go against the grain
  • What do you call a bunch of Muslims on a low carb diet? A Mosque-Keto
  • My friend's on the keto diet I, however, am on the taquito die.
Diet joke, My friend's on the keto diet

Ridiculous Diet Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

What funny jokes about diet you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fitness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make diet pranks.

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an e**......

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

Why can't a lesbian diet and wear make up at the same time?

Because..........It is hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins...

...that
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his
supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way
back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting
gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Gandhi...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Skip a Day

During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."
When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"
The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."

The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an e**....

You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills.

Mahatma Gandhi...

...walked barefoot a lot, which probably produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. I've heard he also ate very little, which could have made him rather frail. The odd diet he kept leads me to believe he suffered from bad breath. I suppose you could have called him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A blonde walks into a library..

she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"

*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."

Did you hear about this year's newest fad diet coming out of New York and New Jersey?

The swim-fast diet.

e**... your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an e**.... He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

Thought I'd share a favorite on my cake day

Gandhi used to walk barefoot on most days, neglecting modern footwear, and eventually grew a strong set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather weak and with his odd diet, suffered from very, very bad breath. To others he smelled atrocious, this super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I started a new diet..

Where I only eat things I can pronounce. I thought it would help me lose weight, but I just became a better reader.

Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?

It was on a strict diet of worms.

LESBIAN DIET

Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
A: Because they cant eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time.

Why did the blond snort NutraSweet?

She thought it was diet coke.

There once was an old mystic

He was too poor to afford shoes, so he often had sores on his feet, and since he was old, he could easily break his bones if he was not careful. He also had a very bad diet, so his breath smelt terrible.
I guess you could say he was a....
**Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed with Halitosis**

The very spiritual Gandhi walked everywhere, leaving him with impressive calluses. And he ate very little, which made him rather frail. His odd diet also plagued him with bad breath. I guess you could say.....

That he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me...

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."

My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the b**... like groceries'

But I'm on a glute-free diet

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"
"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

So there was a monk...

This particular monk could only eat garlic for his religious diet, which made him EXTREMELY weak, and also gave him bad breath. Also, like most other monks he wore no shoes, which gave him many callouses.
This made him a "super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis."

Hey there's this new diet that can help lose pounds fast!

Its called the Brexit

What does a vampire drink while on a diet?

Blood Light®.

Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?

The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.

Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy.

The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.

I've been on this new v**... diet.

It's great, I've lost 3 days already!

Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.
He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.
This diet also gave him very bad breath.
This made him...
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

Dear Diet Coke,

I feel like you're overreacting.
Sincerely,
Mentos

Ghandi

Mahatma Gandhi lived a strange life
Because of his odd diet, he was plagued by a constant case of bad breath. This diet also left him rather thin and frail.
Because he didn't wear shoes, and he walked everywhere, he developed an impressively thick set of calluses on the soles of his feet.
All-in-all, he was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

What distance does light travel on a diet?

Lite years.

CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.
CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.
CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.
CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.
They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

Don't trust any diet advice that tells you to eat light...

For that's most certainly the way to become a black hole.

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I was considering going on an all almond diet.

But that's just nuts.

I'm trying to cut butter out of my diet...

...by a large margarine.

Problems in bed

A man and his wife have been having some problems in bed so one day the woman tells her husband, "Maybe you should get some pills to help you out."
He agrees.
When he gets home from work she asks him if he got the pills.
He replies, "Yeah, here you go," and with this he throws her a bottle of diet pills.

My driver's side window won't go down.

So I guess I'm on a diet now.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an e**....
When he came back he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

I'm on a whiskey diet

So far I've lost two weeks

Mahatma Ghandi walked thousands of miles with bare feet...

This caused him to develop an impressive set of callouses.
He also are very little, which made him rather frail, and due to this strange diet, suffered from bad breath.
All told, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.
"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."
"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.
"No," replied the doctor.
"They're the only things we can slip under the door."

Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...

I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!
Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mass. I've even cut my screen time in half and am reading a book a week.
I have no idea who wrote this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste.

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.
In short, you could say he was a
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

My brother Joe started the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean

Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious.

Now, we all know that Mahatma Gandhi didn't wear shoes when he walked, so he had rather large calluses on his feet. He also did not eat much, making him rather frail, and due to his diet, his breath was unpleasant, to say the least.
He was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?

This is the whey.

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...

It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

I think about dieting sometimes...

It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

My dietitian once told me "You are what you eat."

That was his last words though, I am a dietitian now.

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old? Ray replies, It's easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.

The reporter is not impressed. That's insane! he says. It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or 'something.' Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 110 years! Ray looks at the reporter and says, Y'know, maybe you're right.

I love my vegetarian-only diet.

Lambs, Cows, Deers, Rabbits. They're all vegetarians and they're delicious!!

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Wong came and gave me bitter herbs, and I got even worse. On death's door I called for Dr. Chang." "And what did Dr. Chang do?", his friend asks in wonder. The man replies happily, "Dr. Chang did the best of all, he didn't come, so I got well!"

The Dolly Parton Diet

A guy walks into a bar and orders a light beer. "How's your New Year's diet coming along?" the bartender asks. "It's going okay, but I'm not losing as much as my buddy Joe. He went on that new Dolly Parton diet," the guy says. "It's made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean."

Diet joke, The Dolly Parton Diet

jokes about diet