Dies Jokes
143 dies jokes and hilarious dies puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dies that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Dies Short Jokes
Short dies jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dies humour may include short dying jokes also.
- My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
- My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
- My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
- The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
- I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
- What's the best Chuck Norris joke you've ever heard? My personal favorite is: chuck norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died
- In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people. In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
- I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.
- Valentine's.... For the past 10 years I've been getting valentine's card from a secret admirer, so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
First my gran dies, now this! - After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!"
Share These Dies Jokes With Friends
Dies One Liners
Which dies one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dies? I can suggest the ones about lay dying and odds dying.
- What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died? My Korea is over
- A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
- When you die what body part dies last? The pupils, they dilate
- How did 10 die? because it was in the middle of 9 11.
- Racecar backwards is still racecar but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.
- The inventor of autocorrect died The funnel will be held tomato.
- My grief counselor suddenly died. Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.
- My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died She was eaten by a giant crab
- Son: Dad, how do star die? Dad: Drugs, usually.
- After my ex died, I couldn't shower alone for 10 years But I'm out of prison now
- Where do James Bond Actors go when they die? 00Heaven
- My Korean friend died yesterday So Yung...
- I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died ...and then I heard it a few seconds later
- I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died He stepped on a landmine
- The man who invented the "VELCRO" died today.... ...RIP.
Delightful Fun Dies Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about dies you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ensues jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dies pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane c**.... Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive..
Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...
The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.
His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...
with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have s**.... the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have s**... with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of s**...' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The morticians wife.
The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the f**..., he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.
He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happens when a mean girl dies?
They write an o-b**...-uary
The band The Doors have decided to change their name after the next member dies
It's gonna be Three Doors Down.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies...
...no one will say he's in a better place.
When life starts
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
Four engineers in a car...
Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."
After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"
Jehovah's Witness
I was just wondering………..if a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven's door….. does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???
A Jewish lady wants an obituary for her husband.
A Jewish lady calls the New York Times and says "I want an obituary for my husband." The person at the times says "it's 10$ a word". "10$ a word!" The lady exclaims. "Fine" she says "Burnstein dies". The lady says "there is a minimum of 5 words". "Fine" she grumbles, "Burnstein dies Buick for sale".
Why is the number 8 the only number that goes to heaven?
When it dies it becomes immortal.
∞
So a man dies and goes to Heaven...
In Heaven, he asks God what the coolest things about Heaven are.
God says, "Well, here in Heaven, a minute lasts a million years, and a penny is worth a million dollars."
The man replies, "Oh, cool! Can I have a penny?"
To which God tells him, "In a minute."
My fifth grade teacher told me this joke when I was in, well, fifth grade.
Real chemist never dies
...just stops reacting.
"What are those things on mommy's chest?"
A young boy once asked his father: "DAD, what are those things on mommy's chest?" The father replied: "Son, those are mommy's balloons you see, before she dies they get pumped up and she floats to heaven."
A couple days later, the father comes home early from work and sits on the couch. The young boy runs downstairs screaming: "DAD! DAD! MOM'S DYING!" The father get's up quickly and asks: "WHAT'S WRONG!!" The young boy replies: "UNCLE JAKE'S UPSTAIRS BLOWING UP MOMMY'S BALLOONS AND SHE'S YELLING OH GOD I'M COMING!"
A joke is like a frog..
When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The f**...
One day a man dies and in his will, he leaves $300,000 to his stock broker, financial adviser and his lawyer, each one receiving $100,000. In the will he also states that he wants all 3 of them to to leave half of the money they received ($50,000) in his coffin after the f**....
The day of the f**... comes and each man approaches the coffin to do what was asked of them and once they're all done, they meet up at the bar.
After a few drinks, the stock broker speaks up "I gotta be honest with you guys. I only left $10,000 in the coffin. But I mean, it's not like he'll be able to spend it, right?"
To which the financial adviser admits "Hey, don't feel bad. I only left $5,000 in the coffin. I mean, is he really expecting us to throw away that much money?"
At which point the lawyer speaks up and says in a disapproving tone "I can't believe you guys would be so greedy! I'll have you know I left a check for the full $50,000 in his coffin like he asked!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman's husband dies and gets cremated
She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that b**... I promised you? Well, here it comes"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?
A f**....
*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... dies and God calls him
After h**... dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"
h**... answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".
God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".
"See, not even you care about Jews!"
A man's dog dies
A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-
A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking
She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.
What's the best thing to do when someone close to you dies?
Move seats.
Email inventor dies aged 74
I sent my re:re:re:re:re:gards
When Vanna White dies...
Do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old man dies
In his f**..., the priest starts to speak and pays homage to the deceased: "He was a loving man, a devout Christian, a good husband, he raised two wonderful sons..."
The widow turns to her son and tells him discretly: "Go up there take a look at the coffin and make sure it's your dad."
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
A husband leaves his money in the attic...
His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.
The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."
A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."
An old Jewish man dies.
His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.
He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale".
If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"
Credit to my friend Chris
What happens when the pope dies
Another one popes up
Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem
One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.
'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'
'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'
'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'
A girl comes back home after many years to see her father before he dies...
She goes to his bedside and starts crying, "Dad, I'm sorry!"
He looks at her, smiles weakly, and says, "Goodbye, Sorry." He grins. "I'm *dead*."
My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?
-Because the other fish were crying.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man dies and goes to heaven...
When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman marries a man and has 10 children...
The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The next man dies so the woman remarries again and has ten more children.
That man dies so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the f**..., the priest mutters, "Good god! They're finally together!"
A man at the f**... asks another man on his left, Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?
The man on his left says, I think he means her legs...
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*
What do horror movies and printer ink have in common?
The black one always dies first.
On His Deathbed
On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. I can't believe you're doing this. said his friend. For your entire life you're been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now? Because I'd rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.
A zebra dies and goes to heaven
The zebra meets God and asks him the one true question that he's been wondering his whole life.
"God, am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes?"
God responds, "You are who you are."
It was then that the zebra knew he was white with black stripes. If he was black with white stripes, God would have told him, "You is who you is."
I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly
He wasn't even Il
How is a punchline like a starving African child?
If you spend too much time explaining why it's funny, it dies.
A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
The first thing he does is ask God, "Who really killed JFK?"
To which God replies, "It was Lee Harvey Oswald. He acted alone."
The conspiracy theorists thinks to him self for a moment then says, "This cover up of the truth goes even further than I thought!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When he dies my dad's arranged to be liquidized.
He won't go to any f**... he can't get drunk at.
When the inventor of the USB dies...
they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
If your soulmate dies before you meet them, do you get a backup soulmate?
"I meant questions about the midterm," my professor replied.
A man dies and goes to heaven...
He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven
At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".
Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".
So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.
A couple dies and goes to heaven
They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.
Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."
The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A libertarian walks into a bar. . .
The barman serves him t**... alcohol because there are no regulations.
He dies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man is about to die.
While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his f**... the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.
A baby is born
And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When Kim Kardashian dies...
Will she be put in a grave or melted along with the rest of the plastic?
Old Soviet joke. A woman runs to catch a bus.
She just makes it in time. "Thank God!" She exclaims as she gets on.
The bus driver shakes his head disapprovingly. "You know you cannot give thanks to God," he says. "You must instead give thanks to Comrade Stalin."
"And what if Comrade Stalin dies?" Asks the woman. "What should I do then?"
"Well if Comrade Stalin dies, then you can give thanks to God."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.
His f**... has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KÖFFIN product
The American dream:
To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$
My dad told me this one
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Plane Full Of Ugly People Crashes
A plane full of ugly people crashes and everyone on board dies. The peoples' souls then go to heaven, where they are greeted by God at the gate. God tells them that he will grant each person one wish. The first person says, I want to be beautiful . God snapped his fingers and it happened. Then the second person wished for the same thing. This continues as each person in line wishes to be beautiful. God notices the last man in line laughing hysterically. When it came to be the man's turn he laughed and said, I wish all those people were ugly again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.
When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his c**.... He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .
If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!
1981:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2005:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2018:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool is in the Champions League's final
3.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me and the wife love Skunks and decided to smuggle one home but had to get past border control, the wife says how we going to do this? I said put it down your p**..., she said what about the smell?
I said, well if it dies it dies...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each
The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the f**..., each person placed an envelope into the casket.
Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the last thing you hear before a r**... dies?
"Hey ya'll watch this"
Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.
Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]
A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven
He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."
Dejected, he goes into the other door. Its angel asks him why he was here.
He replies, "I had no choice"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Snoop Dogg dies before p**... becomes legal in the US,
He will be rolling in his grave.
What is it called when a Cowboy dies and then is resurrected into a new life?
Reintarnation.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a r**... dies in battle....
Does he go to y'allhalla?
Guy dies and is at the pearly gates
St. Peter says: before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive
Guy says One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me
St. Peter said wow, that's pretty impressive, but I don't see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?
The guy said oh, about five seconds ago
A man dies and goes to heaven
He sees Saint Peter, and starts to tell him a joke
"Masterchief and Cortana walk into a bar.."
Saint Peter cuts him off
"Is this about Halo?"
"Yeah"
"Don't bother, its just going to go over my head"
An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel
While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.
A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.
The husband thinks about it for a while and then says to the mortitian that he would like to have her transported home.
The mortitian asks the why he wouldn't let her be buried in Israel when he could save a lot of money!
The husband then says "well I've heard of a guy who died and was buried here many years ago and he came back after three days. I'm not gonna risk that!"
A man dies, goes to heaven, and sees a wall full of clocks.
The man asks God what all the clocks are for, and God explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."
Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's George Washington's", God answers. "The hands have never moved, indicating he never told a lie."
"Incredible," the man responds. "And whose clock is that?"
God responds. "That's Barack Obama's. The hands move, but very rarely, which means he doesn't lie much in his life."
"Where is Donald Trump's clock?" the man asks.
"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office," God says. "He uses it as a fan."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane that is about to c**....
The Jew says a prayer and jumps off, survives the landing but dies in the hospital. The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off, and becomes paralyzed for the rest of his life, but survives the fall. The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand, and says,"Thank God." The hand then proceeds drops him.
A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don't have to be?
Because it's sad when a dog dies.
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
Who will replace Kim Jon Un after he dies
Kim Jon dos
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"
"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do f**... mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. They don't have the same high standards that we do."
"Fine father, but I have one more question for ye. Would two hundred euro be enough of a donation to thank them for their services."
The priest's eye grew wide and he slapped the man on the back telling him, "Ahhh, man, why didn't you TELL me that your dog was Catholic?!"
