Died Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn't give a shit.

Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

A guy with a stutter died in prison

before he could finish his sentence.

The creator of Mad Libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.

The blonde bursts into tears

Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.

Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

Racecar backwards is still racecar

but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.

You meet a man on the Oregon trail...

You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

A woman goes into a pharmacy

She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

β€’ My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"

"Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"

"Not this time. Our dog died."

After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.

My grief counselor died last week.

Luckily, he was so good I didn't give a shit

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...

Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago

There's a mouse named In and a mouse named Out. How does Out know that In has died?

Instincts

My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type for the blood transfusion

As he was dying he kept insisting be positive but it's hard without him.

I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died

He stepped on a landmine

Who was the greatest prostitute of all time?

Ms. Pacman. for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls until she died

The man who invented the "VELCRO" died today....

...RIP.

Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening

Many men have died after having a stroke

My friend died doing what he loved most...

Heroin.

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab

Some say Steve Jobs died too young.

Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.

Playing Oregon Trail.

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, That's a girl's name! Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.

Everyone is a fan of Stephen Hawking now that he died.

I bet they can't name even 3 of his songs.

Floppy disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

Go kill that son of a bitch

One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog. Suddenly a Pakistani came out from the bushes and shot the poor dog three times. The dog died.

The billionaire screamed at the killer, Why did you do that?

The killer answered, "Your wife gave me Β£ 50,000 and told me: Go kill that son of a bitch.

The billionaire hugged the killer and with tears in his eyes he said... "I am forever grateful to your English teacher.

The inventor of Velcro died last week.

RIP

Unjustice In Hell

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What's so funny about that?

I'm aΒ gynecologist.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

There once was a boy named "Odd."

People made fun of him because of his name, so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.

Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.

Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

I think my wife died...

I mean, the sex is the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up.

The inventor of the USB died.

They lowered his coffin, raised it back out, flipped it over, lowered it again, raised it back out, flipped it over again, then lowered him again.

A man died today when a pile of books fell on him.!!!

He only had his shelf to blame.,,,,

People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11...

He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia...

Why is the birthrate in Japan so low?

Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.

When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea

Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

A man says to his son: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe"?"

"You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"

"Not this time, your dog died."

My friend died when he couldn't remember his blood type

He kept saying "be positive", but it's hard without him.

A husband died

A husband died.

A few years later, his wife died.

As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

My Chinese friend died the other day...

So Yung.

A Blond goes to work in tears.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.

We think that's what killed her.

My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically.

He was mauled by a giant crab.

Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?

He pasta way.
I never sausage a tragic thing.
He is now a pizza history.
Sending olive my support to his family.
We cannoli do so much though.
I feel for his wife. Cheese still not over it.
I guess he just ran out of thyme.

When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

Jesus and floppy discs are very similar

They both died to become the image of saving

The batteries in my flashlight died

I was delighted

I came, I saw, I died

or as we say in Latin:

Veni, Vidi, Avicii.

My Wife's star sign is Cancer and it's pretty ironic how she died...

She was attacked by a giant crab

My HP printer died today

It was like a Brother to me.

After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

Gawker must have been playing The Oregon Trail

'cause they just died of dissin' Terry.

A lawyer named Strange died.

His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write "Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "Whenever anyone walks by," he explained "they'll be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

My trampoline died today

RIP

If Jesus Christ died for our sins...

then who died for our cos and tans?

The inventor of autocorrect died today

His funfair will be hello on sundial

A father tells his 10 year old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.

UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died...

Which was lucky, because he stepped on a Landmine.

What are the funniest died jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Died? Well, here are the best Died puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Died pick up lines to share with friends.

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