Laughable Died Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
Playing Oregon Trail.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, That's a girl's name! Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
The man who invented the "VELCRO" died today....
...RIP.
My friend died doing what he loved most...
h**....
My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.
She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*
The secret to a long life
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
You can explore died braindead reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean died fatal dad jokes. There are also died puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
There once was a boy named "Odd."
People made fun of him because of his name, so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."
My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.
But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
My Korean friend died yesterday
So Yung...
A woman goes into a pharmacy
She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having s**... with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."
The guy who invented t**... lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the f**...
Doctors have confirmed that m**... is life threatening
Many men have died after having a s**...
My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
A man died today when a pile of books fell on him.!!!
He only had his shelf to blame.,,,,
Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"
He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
Some say Steve Jobs died too young.
Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"
"Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died."
After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...
But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...
...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...
Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
Racecar backwards is still racecar
but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.
There's a mouse named In and a mouse named Out. How does Out know that In has died?
Instincts
I think my wife died...
I mean, the s**... is the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up.
You meet a man on the Oregon trail...
You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.
A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his f**.... A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own f**....
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.
I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...
Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago
Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died
He stepped on a landmine
Floppy disks are like Jesus
They died to become the icon of saving
Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.
Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, s**...?" Before I even said a word!
The creator of Mad Libs died this week.
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
When my grandpa died he f**... and we thought he was still alive...
...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.
In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.
In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
A guy with a stutter died in prison
before he could finish his sentence.
The inventor of the USB died.
They lowered his coffin, raised it back out, flipped it over, lowered it again, raised it back out, flipped it over again, then lowered him again.
The inventor of Velcro died last week.
RIP
Everyone is a fan of Stephen Hawking now that he died.
I bet they can't name even 3 of his songs.
My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.
Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me
Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber
He died last week
surrounded by his family
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.
"The Impaler" was my favourite.
Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....
Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
What's the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring?
One is n**... in dye and the other died in new.
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.
Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died
...and then I heard it a few seconds later
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. Terry?! you say laughing, Terry's a girls name! Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.
You have died of dissin' Terry :(
A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.
He says to her:
'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and when our son died in a car c**...?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'
'yes'
'you know what?'
'no'
'i think you bring me bad luck'
my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum
f**... director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"
Me: "ship her home"
f**... director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"
Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"
My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one
She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.
Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.
Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?
I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.
My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke
A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".
A woman in my office died.
A woman in my office died.
It's not like I didn't notice but for months afterwards I kept on copying her into emails.
Some people got upset and I was like
'Sorry - I CC dead people.'
3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish
1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a v**....
3. His mother thought he was God.
Norm MacDonald died today
When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.
He read it out loud: E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are d**...!
RIP Norm.
My grief counselor suddenly died.
Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type
As he died, he kept insisting be positive , but it's hard without him.
A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven
A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."
Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."
Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."
Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"
The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting on my seat."
The inventor of the USB stick has died
At his f**... they gently lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it the other way, then lowered it again.
what's the difference between Paul Walker and Betty White?
Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.
My dad just died. This isn't a joke, I'm lost. I remember at his dads f**... he told me:
Why do they put fences around cemetery's? Because people are dying to get in.
I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his f**... to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?
Sad news…the creator of autocorrect has died
Restaurant in piece 🕯
Pregnant girlfriend
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one to try and cheer her up.
But it made her even more upset.
She screamed at me saying, What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?
After my ex died, I couldn't shower alone for 10 years
But I'm out of prison now
My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans
I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.
Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.
Me: Pinocchio?
Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"
After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains
A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!"
Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
The inventor of autocorrect died
The funnel will be held tomato.
My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)
After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.
But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
Chuck Norris actually died four years ago
Death just hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.
Queen Elizabeth II may have made it to 96 before she died...
But Princess Diana made it to 120
A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.
In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may sit on my left" said God.
Then God looked at the cat and said" and what do you believe in"?
The cat replied " I believe you are sitting in my seat".
What's the best Chuck Norris joke you've ever heard?
My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died
I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died
Which was lucky really, because he got hit by a bus
The inventor of the wind chill factor died this week.
He was 86 but felt more like he was 64.
Jesus died for your sins.
But did He stay dead?
At most, He lost a weekend for your sins.
Jesus was born on Christmas, died on Good Friday and rose on Easter.
What are the odds?!?!
I'm really sad my pet wildebeest died:(
I had to get a Gnu one
A Korean guy recently died in a car accident near me
He was yung, so yung.
My geometry teacher is really upset that her pet parrot died yesterday.
Polly gone.
Wife: I'm afraid our Neighbour died
Husband: Who, Ray?
Wife: It's inappropriate to cheer when someone dies
(My 7 year old came up with this joke)
What did the magician say when his assistant died during the show?
Abra cadaver!
A man goes to Spain on vacation
While he's there he goes to a restaurant and the waiter gives him an additional side dish along with his meal
The man loves the side dish and when he asks the waiter what it is, he says "A bull died in a bull wrestling show and these were its testicles"
The next day the man asks for the same side dish but notices that its tiny compared to the ones yesterday
He asks the waiter why they're so small and the waiter says "Sometimes the bull wins"
One day Ole's wife Lena died.
When Ole called the coroner he told them in a heavy norwegian accent that they lived on eucalyptus street.
The operator (unable to understand) asked if he could spell it.
Ole replied. "Ill just drag her over to "Oak"
