die Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious die stories

What are the best Die puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Die? Well here is a complete list of Die dad jokes:

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.


A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"


Doc, I ate one of those 'Do not Eat' silica packets. Am I going to die??

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?


My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.


Where do suicide bombers go when they die.....?



My grandpa told me this one.

So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my car?" The husband says again, "Well, it's already paid for..."
The wife, annoyed at this point, shoots, "What about my golf clubs?!?" And the husband says, "Oh, no. She's left handed."


A joke is like a frog..

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.

Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.


Two old guys decide to go out for drinks before they die.

Before Marty and Sam die they decide to go out for old times sake and just get properly gone showed at the bar. About 8 or 9 pints in Marty gets an idea. "Hey Sam, what do you say we get laid one more time before we clock out." Excited and drunk out of their minds they decide to go to the local whore house down the street. They lady at the counter realizes how drunk they are and decides if she puts them in a couple rooms with a blow up doll they won't know the difference. They get to their rooms go in and about 15 minutes later they come out. Sam looks at Marty and says "man if I didn't know any better I'd say my girl was dead cause she was cold and didn't move once. Marty says "Sam your lucky cause I'm pretty sure mine was a witch. I was nibbling on her neck and she farted and flew out the window."


Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same time.

There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.

After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward to meeting the virgin Mary".

To which Clinton replies "You're about five minutes too late"


What's the best part about having a hooker die on you?

The second hour is free.


A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."


"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."


Why did Bilbo Baggins live for so long?

Because old Hobbits die hard...


An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.


Latvian man die and go to hell

Latvian man die and go to hell.

Once there, devil punish. He say: Man, go burn in lake of fire.

But man is warm. Man is happy.

So devil make lake even hotter. But man now warmer. Now he is even more happy.

Devil get angry. So freeze fire lake into ice lake. Now lake is colder than coldest Latvian winter. But Latvia man now most happy!
He say, "Devil! Hell is freeze over! Latvia is finally happiest country!"

But is not true. Is only story. Also, man not in hell, only Latvia.


A Chinese man is on his death bed...

With his sight failing, he turns to the doctor and asks is his wife there?

The doctor assures him she is.

"And my sons, my beautiful sons, are they here?"

"They are."

"What about my sister?"

Consoling the poor man, the doctor tells him:"Don't worry, she's here, along with your brother in law, and all the rest of your family, you can die in peace."

With his last breath, the old Chinese man, struggling to make his voice heard says:

"If everyone is here, then who the fuck is minding the shop?".


The old man and his 3 wives

An old man at a bar tells the bartender, "I've had three wives but no luck. Unfortunately for me, all of my wives have passed away."

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry to hear that....how did your first wife die?"

"She ate poisonous mushrooms." Said the man.

The bartender gives his condolences then askes, "What about your second wife?"

The man again says, "She ate poisonous mushrooms."

The bartender questions asking the man about the third wife..."did the third wife eat poisonous mushrooms as well?" He finally asks.

"No, she was actually strangled to death." The old man said in response.

"Oh my gosh, why?!?" The bartender questioned in amazement.

"Because she wouldn't eat the mushrooms."


My wife was dying..

I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice "there's something i must confess."
"Sshh" i said. "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No. I must die in peace. I fucked your Brother, your best friend, his best friend and your Dad!"
"I know." I whispered. "That's why i poisoned you, you cunt. Now shutup and fucking die!"


The Devil went to a small church...

The congregation at a die hard church was in full swing when with a stench of brimstone and puff of smoke the devil appeared! All them members ran from the church except one little old man in the first row who sat looking calmly at him.
The devil loomed over the old man and growled " Do you realize who I am?"
" Sure do." the little old man replied.
" Do you know i can kill you with a thought?"
" Sure do."
" Do you realize i can mangle your body with a touch?"
" Sure do."
" Do you realize I can carry you off to Hell for eternity?"
" Sure do."
" Then why aren't you scared of me?" The Devil asked quietly.
" Been married to your sister for 50yrs."


A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"


Four nuns die and appear at the pearly gates.

Four nuns are in a car on a road trip but die in a car accident on the way.

They arrive at the pearly gates in heaven, where St. Peter says "I'm sure you ladies were all good since you're nuns, but you still gotta confess your sins and come clean before I can let you in" as he takes out a bucket of water.

St. Peter asks the first nun "what are you sins?" And the nun confesses that she gave a someone handjob once.

"Which hand?"
"My left hand"
"Place your left hand in this bucket of water and you shall be absolved of your sins"

Then St. Peter asks the 2nd nun the same question.
"I too gave a man a handjob once. With my right hand"
"Place your right hand in this bucket of water and you too shall be absolved of all your sins"

St Peter then asks the 3rd nun about her sins, but the 4th nun cuts him off...

"If you think I'm gargling the water in that bucket after she sticks her ass in it, you're crazy!"


Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:

"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."

Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.

"Who's there?" he called out.

"Moe! It's me Sam!"

"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.

"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.

"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.

"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."

"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."


As airplanes about to crash...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


An Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

As they are awaiting their fate they are approached by the cannibal chief.

"First we are going to kill you," the chief explained. "Then we will eat you. Then we will use your skin to make a canoe. But we are kind, so we will let you choose how you will die."

The Englishman said "I will die by the sword!" They gave him a sword and he screams "God save the Queen!" then he stabs himself in the gut.

The Frenchman says "I will die by the gun!" They give him a gun and he shouts "Vive la France!" And then shoots himself.

The American asked for a fork. The cannibals all start laughing, but figure this will be a good show so they give the American the fork.

As soon as he gets the fork in his hands the American starts stabbing himself all over, and screams: "Make a canoe out of this, you sons of bitches!"


Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?

Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.


My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"


Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.


A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone

**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!


An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge. The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, "If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, "If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Irishman then says, "If I get one more egg sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge."

The next day, all three get the same lunch, all three jump off the bridge, and all three die. At their funeral, the Englishman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like tuna." The Scotsman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like ham." The Irishman's wife says, "I don't understand it. He made his own sandwiches."


What do floppy disks and Jesus have in common?

They both had to die to become the icon of saving.


Three guys die in a car crash...

At the pearly gates, the angel says, I'm sorry, gentlemen. You were taken before your time. We can't send you back, but we'll give you one last request. You can have your family and friends say anything you want at your funeral, and it will become true. What do you want it to be?

One guy says, I want them to say that I was a very successful stockbroker with lots of cars and beautiful women.

The second guy says, I want them to say that I was a beloved man with lots of children, an adoring wife, and hundreds of friends.

The third guy says, I want them to say, 'Hey, he's moving!'"


A drill sergeant and his cadet..

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"


The wife was screaming at her Husband:

"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So, now you want me to stay?


A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."

"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."

"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.

"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.


The honest lawyer?

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. I know I am going to die he said and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.

It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. I'm glad you brought it up said the doctor, because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.

You people should be ashamed of yourselves stormed the lawyer stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this he said pulling out his check book,  look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!


If I die...

If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It's all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It's new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"No. She's left-handed."


How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.


Latvian man goes to buy iPhone..

Premise ridiculous! iPhone cannot be use to farm potato.
Also, salesman die of malnourish.


Make Up Your Mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"


When I die...

I want the people who I did group projects with to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.


Army Cadet

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"


Jake's final conversation

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to" his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."


An Australian takes a vacation in america...

He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road.

He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?"

The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia."

The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?"

"No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"


A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.

St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"


A man places $100, a fifth of Jameson and a bible on the table.

A man places $100, a fifth of Jameson and a bible on the table. His son cones in and the man tells him to sit down. He says to his son, "if you take the $100 you will grow to be a gambler. If you take the whiskey, you will die as a drunk in the streets. But if you take the bible, you will be a holy man of God and live a good and righteous life."

The son sits and thinks for a moment, he then reaches out and takes the bible, the whiskey and the money off the table and walks out the door. The man sits stunned for a moment before he jumps out of his seat and proclaims "By God!!! My son is going to be an Irish priest!"


A blond, brunette, and a red head die and go to hell...

God decides to give these three woman one last chance. He brings them to the stairway into heaven and says, "There are 100 stairs and at each step I will tell a joke. If you laugh you will be sent back to hell. If you make it to the top without laughing, I will let you enter heaven." So it began.

At the 30th step, God tells his joke and the brunette bursts out laughing. She then is sent back to hell. At the 70th step, God tells his joke and the red head starts laughing. She too was sent back to hell.

Now on the very last step, before God begins telling his joke, the blond starts laughing hysterically. God then asks the blond, "Why are you laughing? I have not told the joke yet?" The blond then replies, "I just got the first one!"


Sell my stuff

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"


What do you call it when you die and come back as a redneck?



Three guys are at a firing squad...

...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, "Fire!"


An Australian Man Comes to the US

And on his second day here he's driving down the wrong side of the road and BAAAM!! he slams head on into another car. Both drivers get out and the Australian apologizes saying "Sawrry mate, I just came from Australia". The American yells "What the hell man did you come here to die?". The Australlian answers "No I came here yesterdie".

Note: This joke was told to me by an eastern European woman at a party who was way out of my league. She did the Aussie voice really well. Its really quite lame, but I enjoy lame jokes and attractive women so this one stuck with me.



You've red some of the best die jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about die. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty die gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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