Cheerful Fun Die Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
I know he means well.
two h**... trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud? .
God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232 .
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the o**... turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought .
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to h**...? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:
"How long will I live?"
The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."
"Which holiday?" Putin asked.
"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist s**... bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.
Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.
Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?
God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the o**... turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought.
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
What is it called when you die and come back as a h**...?
Reintarnation
When you die what body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
You can explore die dead reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean die flipperwaldt dad jokes. There are also die puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
When I die, I have but 2 requests.
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.
The second, I don't want to be cremated.
How did 10 die?
because it was in the middle of 9 11.
I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".
I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.
My wife was dying.
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess.
Everything's alright."
"No, I must die in peace. I had s**... with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, " That's why I poisoned you."
m**... in the jungle
A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
"I've just had s**... education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.
Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.
They find three parachutes.
Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, The world needs a great person like me!
Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, I need to help make choices for our world , so he jumps off the plane.
At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane.
The Pope says to the boy, take the last parachute, I am too old and I'm going to die soon one day.
Actually there are two left. Donald Trump took my backpack.
After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because...
...they dilate!
Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.
Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.
Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.
Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.
(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)
Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.
An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.
He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"
The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."
I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic s**... bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago
A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.
The pirates' leader, waving his gun, shouted: the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!
The official responded, calmly: I will give you twenty million, but you'll write me a receipt of forty million.
When I die, I want my remains scattered over Disney World.
Also, I don't want to be cremated.
How did 10 die?
He was caught in the middle of 9/11
My wife asked me, If I die, will you re-marry?
I replied, I don't know love, I don't think about those sorts of things.
Well If you did, would she live in our house? she asked
I said, I don't know, I haven't thought about it!
Then she asked Would you let her wear my clothes?
I replied Nah she's not your size
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"
He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven
When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"
St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."
The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?"
St. Peter responds, "We added up your client billing time sheets."
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had s**... education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.
Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"
The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
Where do s**... b**... go after they die?
Everywhere
Don't die a v**....
Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
Son: Dad, how do stars die?
Dad: Drugs, usually.
This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.
So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back.
But, when you do, they're all running and screaming.
My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . .
As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"
According to ancient Japanese lore, a person's aura takes a particular colour right before they die.
Cyan Aura.
Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?
00Heaven
Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.
A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.
The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!
Confused, he says, Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.
After a few minutes, the woman, still sobbing, asks, How many is a Brazilian?
An old man is dying..
His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.
A man is stranded in the desert when he comes across a genie's lamp. He rubs it and the genie grants him just one wish. The man said, "I could die happy here, if I could just get..."
... one more 's'.
When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.
That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.
An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the n**....
The n**... ask if they have any last wishes
The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die"
The Scottish man says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die"
The Englishman says "I wanna die first"
The next time your wife gets angry...
put a cape (or bath towel) over her shoulders then tell her: "Now, you're Super Angry!"
Maybe she'll laugh...or maybe you'll die.
I'm going to kill myself....
or die trying.
Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.
Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.
I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...
... as long as I die on Thursday.
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
A joke is like a frog..
When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.
What's the best part about having a h**... die on you?
The second hour is free.
How did Mace die?
He fell out the Windu.
"Daddy, how do stars die?"
"Drugs, normally."
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him Can we get married in heaven?
St. Peter says Hold on, I'll check.
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says Yes, you can get married in heaven.
The couple then asks What about a divorce?
St. Peter replies I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it's gonna take to find a lawyer?
When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex's front lawn.
2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado-
Son: I'm adopted?!
Mother: No, you're adorable
Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom
Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
Why did Bilbo Baggins live for so long?
Because old Hobbits die hard...
An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit s**....
She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.
The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left n**....
The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.
Where do s**... b**... go after they die
All over the place
Male bees die after mating. That's basically their entire lives.
Honey. Nut. Cheerio.
Guy is drinking alone at the bar, visibly sad.
The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"
The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".
The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".
The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".
Two women are talking in Heaven
One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."
Putin met with Zalenskyy and said "After I die, I bet you'll p**... on my grave"
And Zalenskyy said "No, after I got out of the army I promised myself I would never wait in a line again"
An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.
He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.
"Did I come here to die?" he asks.
The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"
The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.
"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.
As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom one last time.... only to see his most trusted knight, chasing after him, shouting.....
"IT'S THE WRONG KEY! IT'S THE WRONG KEY!"
How will you know if you die of the Delta variant of COVID?
On your way to heaven or wherever, you'll make a stop in Atlanta.
*
Where do Muslim people go when they die?
Everywhere
I'm afraid to die alone.
So I became a bus driver.
A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
The next time your gf gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and exlaim:
Now you're SUPER ANGRY
Maybe she'll laugh
Maybe you'll die
So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...
"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"
An Australian man wakes up in the hospital...
... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"
when i die i want my kids to carry my casket.
So they can let me down one more time.
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?
"Dad, how do stars die?"
– Usually an overdose.
Facts of life
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."
Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."
The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".
There's an old man on his deathbed...
... sensing his time is near he beckens for his wife to join his side. She sits down next to him and clutches his hand and leans in to hear what he has to say.
In a shakey voice he says: "Maybel, when I die, I want you to marry Jenkins."
Taken back a moment, she looks at her husband and says: "Jenkins?! Why, I thought you hated him!"
The old man cackles and in his last breath he says "AND I STILL DO!"
I didn't want to die alone...
So I became a bus driver.
How did the Hawaiian hipster die?
He walked on lava before it was cool.
Board Game Shop
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is 'die'.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Two chemists walk into a bar..
"I'll have H2O," one says.
"I'll have H20, too," says the other.
Neither die, because the bartender understands the context.
Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?
As an airplane is about to c**..., a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
All you need in life is 1 good friend
To delete your web browsing history after you die
They say that when you die you become closer to God
Because you no longer exist
