die Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious die puns

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."Β 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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There was a woman with 100 children…

There was a woman with 100 children. She lacked the creativity to name all of them so she just names them 1-100. 99 of the kids die. The only survivor is the kid named 90. 90 grows up and has kids of her own. One day, the kids find a stray dog. 90 did not want them to keep it. The kids decide to keep the dog secretly. They name the dog this so that they can say things like Let's take this outside without 90 finding out. One day, this suddenly dies in a car accident.

Only 90's kids remember this.

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Doc, I ate one of those 'Do not Eat' silica packets. Am I going to die??

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

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My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

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What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation

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How did 10 die?

because it was in the middle of 9 11.

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I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

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Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:

"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."

The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

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I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

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My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!

You lied to me!

You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.

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How did 10 die?

He was caught in the middle of 9/11

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I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

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Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

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My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

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Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

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Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

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A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."

Joke my 95 year old grandpa told me.

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Why did 10 die?

He was in the middle of 9/11.

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TIL Pigeons die when they have sex

At least the one I fucked did

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Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere

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Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven.

Now that they have the chance to ask any question of God, one of them asks "Who was REALLY responsible for 9/11?". God responds "A group of Al-Qaeda terrorists led by Osama Bin Laden and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed."

The conspiracy theorist gulps and turns to his friend. "Fuck. This goes even higher up than we thought."

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Don't die a virgin.

Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you.

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Did you know, that pigeons die when they have sex?

At least the one I fucked did.

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10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!".

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St Peter calls after them. "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

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Why did 10 die?

He was in the middle of 9/11

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Son: Dad, how do stars die?

Dad: Drugs, usually.

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Three girls die and go to heaven...

They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."

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A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'

Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared..

To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake..

After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'

The husband put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..'

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This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

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My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

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Where do suicide bombers go when they die.....?

......EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!

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Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash.

A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't
afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, "I'm the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped.
The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton, says to Bernie Sanders "Take the last parachute."
Bernie says, "It's ok Hillary, there is a parachute for both of us. The
world's smartest man just took my backpack."

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An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never run out of flesh to sever. Your eyes will-"

"Are there printers?" The man interjects.

"....Printers? Um no, not that I know of, but-"

"Okay this place sounds fine, let's go."

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Friendship between man and woman.

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.


Friendship between men:


A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

___
*This is a repost but I really think we should never let this die.*

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The problem with letting Jesus take the wheel...

Is that that motherfucker ain't afraid to die.

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My grandpa told me this one.

So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my car?" The husband says again, "Well, it's already paid for..."
The wife, annoyed at this point, shoots, "What about my golf clubs?!?" And the husband says, "Oh, no. She's left handed."

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Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

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An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

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A man is stranded in the desert when he comes across a genie's lamp. He rubs it and the genie grants him just one wish. The man said, "I could die happy here, if I could just get..."

... one more 's'.

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When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.

That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

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Two girls die and go to Heaven...

They meet up there, realizing they know each other and are surprised to see the other one dead.

"Wow! What happened to you?" Asks the firs one.

"Hypothermia.. It was soo cold, but after a while I just wanted to sleep and looks like I am never waking up. How about you?"

"Heart attack"

"Whaat! You are in your twenties! What happened? "

"Well, for a while now I've been suspecting that my husband cheats on me. So this one night I told him I was gonna be working late, but I came home early. I was damn sure there was a girl there. I looked everywhere, but to no avail. Under the bed, in the closet, in the bathroom, in the basement. I was so frustrated by the end, that my heart just collapsed."

"Well" said the other one "Had you checked the fridge, we both would've been alive right now"

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The next time your wife gets angry...

put a cape (or bath towel) over her shoulders then tell her: "Now, you're Super Angry!"

Maybe she'll laugh...or maybe you'll die.

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I'm going to kill myself....

or die trying.

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Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.

Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion .... Marion"

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"


"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.

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I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

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A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"

His father responded, "When you are in a garden, which flower do you pick?"

The child responded, "The Ugly Ones."

The father, unprepared for that respsonse, asked, "Why?"

"Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden"

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10 catholic priests all die in a bus accident....

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter acknowledges them.

He sees that they're all priests and immediately says, "If any of you are paedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!"

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter calls after them,

"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

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A joke is like a frog..

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.

Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

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Wives seem to love this one

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

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Two old guys decide to go out for drinks before they die.

Before Marty and Sam die they decide to go out for old times sake and just get properly gone showed at the bar. About 8 or 9 pints in Marty gets an idea. "Hey Sam, what do you say we get laid one more time before we clock out." Excited and drunk out of their minds they decide to go to the local whore house down the street. They lady at the counter realizes how drunk they are and decides if she puts them in a couple rooms with a blow up doll they won't know the difference. They get to their rooms go in and about 15 minutes later they come out. Sam looks at Marty and says "man if I didn't know any better I'd say my girl was dead cause she was cold and didn't move once. Marty says "Sam your lucky cause I'm pretty sure mine was a witch. I was nibbling on her neck and she farted and flew out the window."

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Divorce in heaven?

A young couple, on their way to the church to get married, die in a car crash... At the pearly gates they are greeted by Archangel Michael and they immediately ask:

– Tell us, Michael, is it possible to get married in heaven?

Archangel, responds, puzzled:

– Hang on a minute, nobody asked this before, let me go and find out.

After he leaves the young couple starts to ponder what will happen if they don't get along and eventually want to get divorced? They patiently wait for Archangel's return and finally, after three months, he arrives with a smile on his face:

– Great news you two! I found out that yes, you can get married in heaven!

So the young couple says:

– Listen, Michael, we were wondering, what if we stop loving each other and want to get a divorce in the future, is that possible? Can you find out?

Archangel turns around reluctantly and heads back towards the gates, grumbling to himself:

– Three months, three months it took me to find a priest in heaven... now they want me to go and find a lawyer?!

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same time.

There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.

After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward to meeting the virgin Mary".

To which Clinton replies "You're about five minutes too late"

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What's the best part about having a hooker die on you?

The second hour is free.

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Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.

-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

-The rest of the world is in shock.

-Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

-Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.

-Latin American countries are sending clothing.

-New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

-The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

-Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

-President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.

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Three guys die and go to heaven.

God tells them, "Your vehicle in heaven will be determined based on how well you treated your wife."


The first guy says, "I never cheated on my wife." As such, he gets a Lamborghini.

The second guy says, "I cheated on my wife a little." So he gets a used car.

The third guy says, "I cheated on my wife a lot." So he gets a ~~motorcycle~~ ~~dirtbike~~ ~~bicycle~~ shitty bicycle.


The second and third guys see the first guy crying. They ask, "Why are you crying? You got the best vehicle of all."

The first guy says, "I just saw my wife on rollerskates."

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Three priests and their wives die in a plane crash...

So three priests and their wives are flying back from an interdenominational conference when the plane crashes and they all die.

They all arrive at the pearly gates at the same time.

St. Peter says to the first priest, "I am sorry, but I cannot let you in. You adored sugar and sweets. You had the biggest sweet tooth, and was so involved with sugar and sweets that you married a woman named Candy." Off they go to hell.

St. Peter then addresses the second priest, "I am sorry but I cannot let you in. You truly did not love the Lord, you only loved money. In fact, you loved it so much that you married a woman named Penny." Off they go to hell.

The third priest says to his wife, "Fanny, we don't have a chance."

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Where do Suicide Bombers go when they die

Everywhere

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A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

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A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."

So she climbs down off the railing and give the dude one of the most amazing experiences of his life. When it's over, he's completely dazed. "That was incredible!" he says. "Why the hell is someone as gorgeous as you with such... *talents* trying to kill themselves anyway?"

"It's my father. He disowned me."

"But why!?"

"For dressing up as a woman."

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How did Mace die?

He fell out the Windu.

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"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."

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When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex's front lawn.

2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.

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Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically.

Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: "remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy.

God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events.

They both look up and say: "Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there".

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This woman is at her 95 year old fathers funeral

and she is sitting next to her 95 year old mother. While the eulogy is being read, the daughter leans over to her mother and says "Mom, you were there when dad died weren't you?" The mother said "Yes." The daughter asked, "Mom, how did he die?" The mother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were having sex." The daughter said "Mom! Don't you think that 95 years old is a little old to be having sex?! Don't you think that is a little irresponsible?!" The mother said "Well no, we found that the perfect time to do it was on Sunday because from our bedroom we could hear the church bells ringing. This was his perfect rhythm. He would go in on ding and out on dong, in on ding and out on dong. And he would still be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't rolled by."

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Why did Bilbo Baggins live for so long?

Because old Hobbits die hard...

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Where do suicide bombers go after they die

All over the place

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An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

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An Asian guy and this girl are driving in a car...

The girl decides it would be nice of her to give the guy a blowjob. They both agree. She starts to take off his pants, but before she gets past his underwear the girl looks up and says"Is it true what they say about Asian guys?" and he turns to her and says" Sadly it is." then he crashes the car and they both die.

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Did you know pigeons die when they have sex?

At least the one i had with did.

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Guy is drinking alone at the bar, visibly sad.

The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"

The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".

The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".

The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".

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4 Nuns get in a car accident and die...

When they get to Heaven, they are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them they must be pure before they can gain entrance to Heaven.
He asks the first one "Have you ever touched a penis?" She sheepishly replies yes, she touched one with the tip of her finger. St. Peter tells her she must dip her finger in the holy water before she can enter. He then turns to the second one and asks the same question. She becomes quite embarrassed and admits to giving her boyfriend in High School a hand job. St. Peter tells her that she must rinse her hand in the holy water before entering.
Turning to the third nun, he asks the same question. But before she can answer, the fourth one shoves her aside yelling, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! There is no way that I am gargling that holy water after she rinses her ass in it!"

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Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."

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Latvian man die and go to hell

Latvian man die and go to hell.

Once there, devil punish. He say: Man, go burn in lake of fire.

But man is warm. Man is happy.

So devil make lake even hotter. But man now warmer. Now he is even more happy.

Devil get angry. So freeze fire lake into ice lake. Now lake is colder than coldest Latvian winter. But Latvia man now most happy!
He say, "Devil! Hell is freeze over! Latvia is finally happiest country!"

But is not true. Is only story. Also, man not in hell, only Latvia.

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Missionaries.

A priest and a nun are traveling across the Sahara on a missionary trip when the camel they were traveling on died, falling and crushing their water supply. The priest looks at the young, attractive nun and thinks "If we are to die in the service of our lord, surely he will forgive an old man one indulgence." He looks to the nun,takes of his pants, and tells her, "I have something to show you." "My Goodness!" the young, naive nun exclaims. "What is that?" The priest responds "It's my staff of life. A man puts it inside a woman to bring life into this world." "Staff of life?" she says. "Thank God! Shove that thing up the camels ass and let's get the hell outta here!"

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[Dirty] Did you know pigeons die after they have sex?

At least, the one I fucked did.

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A Chinese man is on his death bed...

With his sight failing, he turns to the doctor and asks is his wife there?

The doctor assures him she is.

"And my sons, my beautiful sons, are they here?"

"They are."

"What about my sister?"

Consoling the poor man, the doctor tells him:"Don't worry, she's here, along with your brother in law, and all the rest of your family, you can die in peace."

With his last breath, the old Chinese man, struggling to make his voice heard says:

"If everyone is here, then who the fuck is minding the shop?".

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"What would you like?" asks the bartender.

"What would I like?!" replies Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife!"

"No, no!" says the bartender patiently. "I meant, what do you want?"

"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"

"What's it to be!?" says the bartender, less patiently.

"A boy or a girl, I don't care."

"You misunderstand me!" says the bartender impatiently. "I only asked what you want to drink."

"Oh." says Bob. "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"

"Nothing at all." says the bartender. "I'm perfectly healthy."

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A plane was going down

You have the pope, a priest, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The priest responds "Do you think we have time?" "Edit" i made this joke at 4am so chill about the grammar.

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I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie....

Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?"

"Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."

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Where do Muslim people go when they die?

Everywhere

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I'm afraid to die alone.

So I became a bus driver.

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Three nuns die and go to heaven... [NSFW]

.. Peter welcomes them at the gate and says:

"Before I can let the three of you enter Heaven, I have to ask you a question. It will simply be formality for you, but I have to anyways". He approaches the first nun and asks "Do you have any sin to confess? " The nun looks down and confesses, shamefully, that she did committed a sin and it was of sexual nature. What is it? asks Peter I gave a handjob to our priest .
Disconcerted, Peter presents a fountain to the nun and tells her Wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter the gate . She washes her hands and enters heaven.
Peter then approaches the second nun and asks Do you have any… Suddendly, the third nun runs to the fountain, takes a big sip of holy water and washes her mouth. Peter, taken aback, yells at her Ya allah ! What the heck are you doing ?"

The third nun spits and yells back "Well, I'd rather do it now than after she washes her asshole in it "

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My wife was dying...

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

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So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

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An Australian man wakes up in the hospital...

... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"

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The old man and his 3 wives

An old man at a bar tells the bartender, "I've had three wives but no luck. Unfortunately for me, all of my wives have passed away."

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry to hear that....how did your first wife die?"

"She ate poisonous mushrooms." Said the man.

The bartender gives his condolences then askes, "What about your second wife?"

The man again says, "She ate poisonous mushrooms."

The bartender questions asking the man about the third wife..."did the third wife eat poisonous mushrooms as well?" He finally asks.

"No, she was actually strangled to death." The old man said in response.

"Oh my gosh, why?!?" The bartender questioned in amazement.

"Because she wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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when i die i want my kids to carry my casket.

So they can let me down one more time.

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Son : Dad.... This movie is so scary... Is that woman going to die??

Dad : Judging by the size of that horse's dick, Yes she is

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Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

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One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologerΒ predicted that the Queen would die next day.

WhenΒ she really died the next day, theΒ King wanted to get the astrologer killedΒ as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the court and the King asked him:Β "You seem to predict very well. Tell me, when are you going to die?"

The astrologer, with dead seriousness on his tone, said-"I shall die three days before you, Oh great king of kings!".

His life was spared.

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"Dad, how do stars die?"

– Usually an overdose.

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"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally"

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My wife was dying..

I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice "there's something i must confess."
"Sshh" i said. "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No. I must die in peace. I fucked your Brother, your best friend, his best friend and your Dad!"
"I know." I whispered. "That's why i poisoned you, you cunt. Now shutup and fucking die!"

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Facts of life

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

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In line at Heaven's Gate.

A Lutheran, Muslim, and a Jew die in a car wreck together and end up in line at the Gate to Heaven together.

The Lutheran walks up and Saint Peter asks his religion and then checks his books and says, "Lutherans: room 11, but be very quiet going past room 4."

The Muslim walks up and Saint Peter tells him, "Muslims: room 8, but be very quiet when you pass room 4."

The Jew steps up and is told to go to room 6 and to be quiet passing room 4. Curious, he asked Saint Peter why everyone has to be quiet passing room 4?

Saint Peter says, "Room 4 is Catholics, they think they are the only ones here."

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An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ

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Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

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I came, I saw, I died

or as we say in Latin:

Veni, Vidi, Avicii.

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How did Mace die in Star Wars?

Through the Windu

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There's an old man on his deathbed...

... sensing his time is near he beckens for his wife to join his side. She sits down next to him and clutches his hand and leans in to hear what he has to say.

In a shakey voice he says: "Maybel, when I die, I want you to marry Jenkins."

Taken back a moment, she looks at her husband and says: "Jenkins?! Why, I thought you hated him!"

The old man cackles and in his last breath he says "AND I STILL DO!"

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Choose Your Death

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.

The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.

The Irishman says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Irishman takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.

The chief screams, "What are you doing?"

He looks at the chief and says, "Fuck your canoe, asshole!"

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The Devil went to a small church...

The congregation at a die hard church was in full swing when with a stench of brimstone and puff of smoke the devil appeared! All them members ran from the church except one little old man in the first row who sat looking calmly at him.
The devil loomed over the old man and growled " Do you realize who I am?"
" Sure do." the little old man replied.
" Do you know i can kill you with a thought?"
" Sure do."
" Do you realize i can mangle your body with a touch?"
" Sure do."
" Do you realize I can carry you off to Hell for eternity?"
" Sure do."
" Then why aren't you scared of me?" The Devil asked quietly.
" Been married to your sister for 50yrs."

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I didn't want to die alone...

So I became a bus driver.

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Did you know that pigeons die after they have sex?

At least the one I fucked did.

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Board Game Shop

Me: I want a dice.


Clerk: The correct term is 'die'.


Me: I want 2 die.


Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die.


Me: I want 2 die alone.

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How did the Hawaiian hipster die?

He walked on lava before it was cool.

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Nun Shall Pass

The waiting line to get into heaven is managed by St. Peter.
A busload of Nuns die and are in line.

The first nun goes to St. Peter and he says
OK I have to ask, have you ever seen a penis?

The nun replies, I saw one once.

St. Peter said, Well, it's OK, just wash your eyes with this
holy water. So she did and POOF she went to Heaven.

The second nun came up and was asked the same thing.
She replied, Well I touched one once...

St. Peter told her Well, it's OK, just wash your hands in this
holy water. So she did and POOF she too went to Heaven.

Suddenly, a nun near the back of the line pushed her way to
the front of the line. St. Peter asked, What are you doing?!

The nun who cut in line responded, I just wanted to wash my
mouth before Sister Anna put her ass in it.

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Don't die a Virgin

Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there.

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Two chemists walk into a bar..

"I'll have H2O," one says.
"I'll have H20, too," says the other.

Neither die, because the bartender understands the context.

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Where do Muslims go after they die?

Everywhere

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Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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Two soldiers are walking through the desert...

And a scorpion crawls up on one of the Tim's leg and stings him right in the dick. Johnny calls the base and asks to talk with the medic. He tells him what happened to Tim and asks what the best course of action would be. Since the base is far away, the medic tells Johnny that he has to suck the venom out of the wound before it spreads. Tim asks: "What did the medic say?"
Johnny says: "He says you're gonna fucking die"

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They say that when you die you become closer to God

Because you no longer exist

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A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

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My parrot died today...

It's last words were: fuck I think my parrot is about to die

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Guy: I buried my wife 2 days ago! Friend: Shit! I'm sorry, man. When did she die?

Guy:Probably sometime yesterday

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I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

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I've decided to freeze myself at -273Β°C.

My friend thinks I'll die, but I think I'll be 0K.

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Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. In order to get in, he tells them, you must each produce something representative of the holidays.

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. This represents a candle of hope. Impressed, Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. These are bells. He's allowed in too.

So, Peter says to the third man, what do you have?

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

What do these have to do with Christmas? asks Peter.

They're Carol's.

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A wife got so mad at her husband...

that she packed his bags and told him to get the hell out of the house. As he walked out, she screamed, "I hope you die a slow, painful death!" He turned around and said, "Does that mean you want me to stay?"

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A pilot and a priest die.

When both arrive at Heavens Gate holy Petrus says to the pilot:
"You are first! God will decide wether you rott in hell or party in heaven." So the pilot heads for Gods office trambling by fear.
A few minutes later he runs out of the office jelling: "JIPPY JAY JEAY! Heaven here I come!".
After Petrus noticed he says to the priest:" Well...I guess you are next."
So the priest walks into Gods office and finds the lord sitting at his desk. The lord then sayed quickly:" No! Rott in Hell!"
The priest is shocked and replies loudly :" But God! I have spend my whole live worshipping you! What my I have done to deserve this? And why do you let this stewardess fucking pilot in the most holy place?".
"Well..." God replies:" As soon as you start to preach everybody falls asleap. But as soon as the pilot lifts up everybody starts to pray".

Please excuse me if there are any grammar mistakes. I am German.

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Four nuns die and appear at the pearly gates.

Four nuns are in a car on a road trip but die in a car accident on the way.

They arrive at the pearly gates in heaven, where St. Peter says "I'm sure you ladies were all good since you're nuns, but you still gotta confess your sins and come clean before I can let you in" as he takes out a bucket of water.

St. Peter asks the first nun "what are you sins?" And the nun confesses that she gave a someone handjob once.

"Which hand?"
"My left hand"
"Place your left hand in this bucket of water and you shall be absolved of your sins"

Then St. Peter asks the 2nd nun the same question.
"I too gave a man a handjob once. With my right hand"
"Place your right hand in this bucket of water and you too shall be absolved of all your sins"

St Peter then asks the 3rd nun about her sins, but the 4th nun cuts him off...

"If you think I'm gargling the water in that bucket after she sticks her ass in it, you're crazy!"

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You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins

Just be a catholic priest

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Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:

"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."

Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.

"Who's there?" he called out.

"Moe! It's me Sam!"

"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.

"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.

"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.

"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."

"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

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A Jew is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel

The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, "Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you'll die here."

The Jew replied, "It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven."

The Guard asked, "What if you go to hell?"

To which the Jew said, "Well, I already know Russian..."



*joke not meant to disparage Russians

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What happens to someone when they overdose on Viagra?

They die hard.

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3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells"

He is allowed into heaven

The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear

Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?!

The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"

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BIG FIGHT

My wife and I had a huge fight and she told me to get the hell out.
To spite her I went upstairs and packed my suitcases. Coming down the staircase, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs.
'I hope you die a slow and painful death, you bastard,' she hissed.
I reply,' So, now you're asking me to stay?'

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When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..

..take it out, flip it over and lower again.

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As airplanes about to crash...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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Why did the number 10 die?

It was in the middle of 9/11

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Vaccinated kids are more likely to develop autism

The unvaccinated die before they get the chance

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Fidel Castro said he wouldn't die until America was destroyed.

Well, looks like he died 17 days after.

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Normal Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

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An old man is about to die.

While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.

One week later the old man dies.

At his funeral the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.

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Why did 10 die?

Because he was in the middle of 9/11

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How did 10 die?

He was in the middle of 9/11

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Billy's dead canary

Billy's canary was dead lying on the bottom of his cage. Billy asked his Dad why when things die they lay on their back with their eyes closed and their legs in the air. His Dad told him it was so God could grab them by their feet and take them to heaven. A few days later when his Dad was pulling into the driveway after work, Billy came running out screaming ..."Daddy, Daddy..Mommy nearly died today !" "What happened ?" Asked Billy's Dad. "Well" said Billy " I came home from school today and there was Mommy in the bedroom on her back with her eyes closed and her legs in the air, just like my canary, and she was saying 'God I'm coming...God I'm coming' and if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down...he would have got her !"

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NSFW A husband and wife have 4 sons

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

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3 Men die and go to heaven...

3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, "Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."
First man steps up and St. Peter says, "Ok Shawn it says here you have been completely faithful. As promised here is your vehicle a Ferrari f430."
Shawn grabs the keys and takes off down the road.
The second man steps forward.
"Ok James you too have been faithful here are the keys to your McClaren F1."
James snatches the key and disappears promptly.
The third man slowly shuffles forward...
"Kevin it saddens me to see that you have committed adultery twice, you must drive this 1989 Accord with only spare tires."
He too leaves.
When Kevin arrives at heaven he sees James and Shawn but Shawn is clearly angry, Kevin asks what's the matter to which Shawn replies, "I JUST PASSED MY WIFE ON A DAMN SKATEBOARD!"

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What's it called when you backtalk someone so hard they die?

A sassination.

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As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

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My daughter asked if I am going to die someday

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

She looked relieved.

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Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

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a husband is about to die...

he goes out with his friends to give them the bad news. he tells them he has an announcement to make

-" i wanted to thank you guys for being there for me, i want to inform you that i have AIDS and i will die in a week. "

everyone was devastated cried and left with their heart a little broken.

when the man arrived home, he told his wife everything. after finishing she screamed:

-"AIDS! why did you tell them you have AIDS? you have cancer, not aids!"

the man turns to his wife and says.

-"im going to die, but im going to make sure no one goes to bed with you too".

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Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.

"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.

"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."

And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."

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What are the best Die puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Die? Well, here are the best jokes about Die to have fun with.

Joko Jokes