The Best 79 Didnt Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Didnt jokes. There are some didnt woulda jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these didnt couldnt puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Didnt Jokes and Puns
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
I found this on sickipedia complain if you want
A man is working as a taxi driver He just started his job He went and picked someone up about halfway through the journey the man taps him on the shoulder At this point The taxi driver freaks swerves nearly misses a bus and two cars and crashes into a building. The passenger says "Sorry I didnt know a small tap could scare you that much" The taxi driver replies "No sorry it's my fault I used to work as a hearse driver"
My friend asked what he should dress his 1 yr old daughter up as for halloween.
I told him a giant steak with a tiara on. He didnt get it, he asked "why would my daughter be steak?"
I told him, no a giant Miss Steak
Why didnt the shrimp let anyone else eat?
He was being SHELLFISH
I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door.
Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".
What is a ten letter word that starts with gas.
Automobile
The Super Bowl
Surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl, a diehard fan remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby.
"It was my husband's," the woman explained, "but he died."
"I'm very sorry," said the man. "Yet I'm really surprised that another relative, or friend, didnt jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him."
"Beats me," she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."
What did the drunken hobbit say when he bumped into a wizard?
sauromon, didnt see you there.
A teacher says to his class
A teacher tells his class :"If one of you thinks he s stupid please stand up".After a minute of silence a a kid in the backrow stands up.the teacher asks:"Do you really think you re stupid?" the kid says: "No i just didnt want to leave you the only one standing."
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
Black Ice
Slipped on ice today. Didnt know it was black ice until my wallet was gone.
You can explore didnt did reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean didnt wasnt dad jokes. There are also didnt puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Saw my ex...
On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
and the kid got kicked out of class...
Student: Teacher, can I get in trouble for something I didnt do?
Teacher: of course not, John. That would be silly.
Student: Okay good, because I didn't do my homework!
Why did the student fail the exam?
Spent too much time figuring out the Engels, so he didnt get the Marx.... thats what he gets for Stalin
My dad told me he was gay, i didnt believe him
until my other dad comfirmed it
There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.
Of course i left him hanging.
An old man is dying..
His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.
Two turtles had a collision at an intersection. .
The only witness was a snail. When interviewed by police the snail explained he didnt see anything as it all happened so fast.
My parents didnt take me seriously when i came out
It was because i couldn't keep a straight face
A man is donating at his local sperm bank, right as he finishes the doctor walks in....
covers his eyes, and says dont worry I didnt see nuttin
What do blacks and apples have in common?
If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree.
Da ho, no I didnt.
A man cheats with his wife's sister
Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!
Wife: You slept with my sister!
Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!
Wife: The autopsy!
PS: Didnt make this up
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me:I don't know why?
6: He didnt, he got hit by a truck!
I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it
Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings
My mom told me if i didnt get off the computer and do my homework she would bang my head against the keyboard
I think she mighfkgk57mo58ktzsrazxv78p
I got complaints about my dog chasing people on bikes
I didnt know my dog could ride a bike
I was seriously considering stealing a military strategy board game from the store yesterday...
...but i didnt. Im not much of a Risk taker.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
When they put a computer at the wheel of a car, why didnt it work ?
They needed to install a driver
A little boy is crying, because his pet bunny died...
his mother asks: How does it come you are crying much more now than when your grandma died?
little boy:I didnt have to pay for her with my allowance.
Why did the chicken fall in the well?
He didnt see that well.
Protons have mass?
I didnt know they were Catholic.
This kid threw a can of Coke into the trash and hit me...
Dont worry, it didnt hurt.
It was a soft drink.
I went to Taipei but didnt like it because
I am Type B.
Two men are sat at a cup final with an empty seat between them.....
The younger man says " I cant believe there is an empty seat here on a match of this importance"
"It was my wife seat, but she recently passed away" replied the older guy.
"oh im sorry to hear that, didnt you have any friends or family that wanted to come with you today?" Said the younger man.
"No" said the older guy.........."they are all at the funeral"
i went to a fancy dress party dressed as a globe and didnt speak to anyone all night.
I was in a world of my own
So my ex girlfriend called me told me she has clamydia...
it didnt surprise me
she was always a shellfish lover
Why did the pothead have weak knees and elbows?
He didnt have any joints.
I once knew a blacksmith who didnt like metal...
it was ironic.
I didnt learn anything in college...
I guess it was kind of my fault though. I double majored in psychology, and reverse psychology.
(Stolen from BJ Novak)
So i walked into a bait shop this morning
And i didnt even mean to.
My brother didnt like the school shooting jokes I was making
I think I should aim for a younger audience.
Why didnt the lifeguard save the drowning hippy?
Because he was to far out man
Lazy people
Statistics show that there are exactly 87345091
lazy people in the world who even didnt read the entire number.
Dont go back you're one of them now!
I didnt vaccinate my 9 kids
He turned out fine.
After the first 2 rounds of the NFL draft, this team's fans didnt think things could possibly get any worse...
...And here's the kicker...
I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix
That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.
This year was the first year I couldnt travel to Europe because of Covid-19.
Before this I couldnt because I didnt have money.
When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...
Idaho.
A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside! So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them
A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.
The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the chemist's wife.
"Oh, that's different. I didnt realise you had a prescription"
What's the difference between me and covid?
My dad didnt beat covid.
My teaching career.
I used to teach history, but thats all in the past.
I started teaching biology but my heart wasn't in it.
I tried teaching chemistry, but there were elements i didnt understand.
I was offered a job teaching maths, but something didn't add up.
I was sent to Germany to do food science, that was the wurst.
I've started teaching physics, its got potential.
Isaac Newton died a virgin
The man who discovered gravity didnt even go down
So I dated a furry once
I didnt know he was a furry at the time.
After a while, he showed me his true collars
Why did the Programmer quit his job?
[ Because , he , didnt , get , Arrays ]
In the court:
The judge: So is it true you saw your brother beat his mother in law?
Yes, sir
Then why didnt you try to help?
I could see he could handle her himself
So I nutted in this girls hair a few weeks ago....
I know Im black, but she didnt need to call it gorilla glue ):
So an African pastor is heading to his church Sunday morning
So as he's walking through the jungle he hears growling. He turns around and sees a lion. He starts running and running until he gives up and gets on his knees and starts praying: God please dont let this lion eat me.
The pastor stops praying because he couldn't hear the lion anymore. He turns around and sees the lion on his knees praying. The pastor says hey lion I didnt know you prayed and the lion says im saying Grace
The wife & I were staying at a fancy high rise hotel when the argument started.
Things didnt get any better as the night went on. She started to threaten that she would jump out the window. In a panic I called the front desk. They asked how could they help? I said you better send body up here right away, the window wont open.
there were 30 cows and 28 chicken. how many didnt?
10
Tragedy at the Guiness brewery
Paddy O Reilly works at the Guiness brewery, one day Mrs O Reilly gets a knock on the door, it's the manager.....he tells her there was a terrible accident and her husband drowned in a vat of Guiness.
She is devastated and finally manages to sob...please tell me he went quickly and didnt suffer.
The manager replied, I'm afraid not, in fact he got out 3 times to pee
I had to put my cat down today
He didnt like being picked up so decided put him on the ground
poor teacher
A teacher was teaching a class, when the students started creating chaos.
The teacher shouted "Whoever is standing will be declared as stupid"
Everyone went back to their seats except for one.
"So you admit you're stupid?" said the teacher,
"No, but i didnt want you to be alone"
God vs Satan
In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and Hell dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wall was build, Satan plays deaf and dumb when it comes to the bill.
After some time God is fed up with Satan's behaviour and confronts him. "If you dont pay your share, i'll sue you!"
Satan shrugs and laughs: "what are you going to do? I got all the lawyers here"
My favorite wisk broke
I saw the same one at the store but I didnt have any money for it so I decided to steal it. I knew the repercussions of shoplifting, but it was just a wisk I was willing to take.
[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 panties of the same pattern and color to his wife.
Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my panties.
Husband : Which people?
(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)
My wife called me from the cash machine for the card's pin number
I said 7496
she said it didnt work
I said 7469
she said it didnt work
I said 4796
she said the machine took away the card
I said thank god
the day after halloween, a trick or treater knocked on my door.....
he was dressed in just red tights and a red spandex shirt, red sneakers, red hat.
i said to him, "sorry little buddy, halloween is over, i dont have anything for you today...what are you supposed to be anyway>?"
he said "im a period, sorry im late..scared ya didnt i?"
needless to say he got a handfull of candy from one of my kids bags. how could you not reward that creativity?
First time in Vegas
I stayed for one night. Checked out in the morning, the bill was $250, and they had added resort fees, and I asked what the heck is that for?! She said the hotel had a pool and internet here and available for use. I said I didnt even use them! She said Well they were here and available and you could've used them.
So I just wrote out a check, but made it out for $50 and handed it to her. She said: Sir this check is for only $50.
I said That's right! I charged you $200 for sleeping with me.
But I didn't! she said.
I said: Well I was here and available, and you could have!
One time a kid offered me a San Diego waffle. Had no idea what it was, so I said sure. So he hands me an Eggo waffle covered in sand.
I didnt wanna look like an idiot, so I ate it.
The Italian Game
Pulled this on my wife on a road trip
Rules: In a thick Italian accent, you say "Imma A" and your target says "Imma not A" after you. You both go through the alphabet that way together
Me: Imma A!
Wife: Imma not A (confused)
Me: Imma B!
Wife: Imma not B
Me: Imma C!
Wife: Imma not C
Me: You're a *WHAT*?!
She groan-screamed and pretended i didnt exist for 10 miles
My boss went deer hunting. He winged a buck but ended up losing the trail.
I messaged him oh deer, that must have been stag-gering when you fawned out you didnt get it .
I met my ex at a race track
Didnt quite work out, we just drifted away
Drunk guy takes the bus
Drunk guy gets on a bus stumbling. The bus goes forward, drunk guy stumbles back. Each stop drunk guy stumbles forward. When he reaches his destination, bus driver says,
"Hey you didnt pay the fare"
Drunk guy, "what are you talking about I walked here!"
My friend never learned to shave properly
I guess her mom didnt razor right
the police called me
They told me they found my husband's body in the lake.
Thats great and all, but I didnt put the body there.
i got an award for being humble.
I obviously didnt accept it.
I asked my mom why she didnt hyphenate her last name.
Dad said she lost her hyphen when she got married.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the didnt badly jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working didnt youre piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.