Did Jesus Tell Jokes
92 did jesus tell jokes and hilarious did jesus tell puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about did jesus tell that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Did Jesus Tell Short Jokes
Short did jesus tell jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The did jesus tell humour may include short jews telling jokes also.
- Jesus told his desciples: "I tell you the truth, that Y = X^2 + 3X -5." But they didn't understand… …because Jesus was speaking parabolically.
- I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon… Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!
- Next time someone asks you if you've found Jesus Tell them that it wasn't your turn to watch him, and they should have used bigger nails.
- I've invented a new opiod, which I've called Jesus. All the churches near me are telling kids not to take the Lord's name in vein.
- Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day. It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.
- Jesus tells Peter, "Come forth and you shall have eternal glory!" Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
- Hey, Jesus! Angel: Hey, Jesus! Some atheists are waiting for you at the gates of heaven!
Jesus: Tell them I'm not here - Jesus is in heaven, telling everyone about the time he rose from the dead That's nothing said Buddha. When I died, I stayed dead!
- Jesus must have had a chiseled, muscular body... I mean, he did cross fit, for God's sake. And the Bible tells us he was cut, ripped, and shredded.
- The sermon on the mount Jesus: "Verily, I tell you: x²+5x+10."
Mark: "Huh? What's the boss talking about?"
John: "Never mind, he's just mixing up parable and parabola again."
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Did Jesus Tell One Liners
Which did jesus tell one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with did jesus tell? I can suggest the ones about jesus and mary and bible verse.
- Our parents say alcohol is our enemy Jesus tells us to love our enemies...
- I'm kinda like Jesus... I like to hang out with prostitutes and tell outragous lies.
- How can you tell Jesus is Jewish? He's known as "the savior" and not "the spender"
- How can you tell Jesus is coming? He's jerking through the hole in his hand.
- Once I made the mistake of telling Jesus to take the wheel on a Sunday. Once.
- abstinence is the only 100% effective birth control Tell that to Jesus' mom.
- What did the man tell Jesus when he found him on the streets begging? You're a messiah?
Cheerful Did Jesus Tell Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about did jesus tell you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jesus christmas jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make did jesus tell pranks.
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice." The man then asks, "So where is George Bush's clock?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"
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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the v**... Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"
I said, "No. s**... that I can't tell anyone about."
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It's not often spoken about but Jesus had a spanking f**....
He spent most of his day's telling people to turn the other cheek.
Jesus and his disciples at last dinner.
"Waiter!", Jesus called, "Can I get a receipt please?"
After some time, waiter finally comes to Jesus and puts a receipt in his palm.
Jesus is looking at receipt for 10 seconds straight with confusion and shock all over his face.
He turns to disciples and shouts "Didn't I tell y'all to order water instead of wine?!"
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room Jeffery Epstien didn't kill himself laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Clocks in Heaven
A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once." She is amazed at this and goes looking.
She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at all. She's somewhat ashamed that her own is showing it's 18:30.
She begins hunting furiously, unable to find a specific one, however. Finally she gives up. "Where is Mitt Romney's clock!?"
"In Jesus's office. He uses it for a ceiling fan."
Mary is sitting in Sunday school...
She had a long night, so she was dozing off. The teacher asks "Who is the creator of the world and all its creatures?"
A kid sitting behind Mary starts poking her with a pencil. She wakes up and turns around and yells "My GOD!"
The teacher says she is correct and Mary dozes off again. The teacher proceeds to ask the class "Who is the son of God?"
The kid pokes Mary again with a pencil, she again wakes up, turns around and yells "JESUS CHRIST!"
The teacher tells her she is correct and Mary dozes off yet again. Later The teacher then asks the class "What did Eve say to Adam after they had they're 13th child?"
Once again the kid pokes Mary with his pencil. She wakes up, turns around, and yells "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!"
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Why do the ladies love Jesus?
He's hung like this. (Stretch out arms.)
Really one that you have to tell in person, but it's my favorite.
A man dies and goes to heaven..
A man dies, goes to heaven, stands before St. Peter, and sees a huge wall of clocks. The man asks what all the clocks are for and St. Peter explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."
Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's," St. Peter answers. "The hands have never moved, indicating she never told a lie."
"Incredible," the man responds. "And whose clock is that?"
St. Peter responds. "That's Abraham Lincoln's. The hands moved twice telling us he told two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Mitt Romney's clock?" the man asks.
"Romney's clock is in Jesus' office," St Peter says. "He's using it as a ceiling fan."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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well this is awkward...
Three men were sent up to heaven because they died. Jesus met them up there and said, "I see that you three have died. Tell me how you all met your death."
The first man said, "Well I was working at the office like any other day, when my boss gave me the rest of the day off. I came home, and my wife laid n**... in my bed. She was shocked to see me home so early, and I thought she was having s**... with another man. I searched the whole apartment for the man, but couldn't find him. I got so angry I just threw the refrigerator out the window. Then I must have had a heart attack and then died."
The second man said, "WHAT?! I was walking down the sidewalk with my dog, and this huge refrigerator fell on me and I was squished!"
"And how did you die?" Jesus said to the third man.
The third man said, "I was hiding in a refrigerator when someone threw it out the window."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.
A Man visits Heaven and notices a wall of clocks...
The man asks God, "What are all those clocks for?"
"They represent each time someone lies. When they do, the clock moves one tick."
The man walks around, observing the clocks. "Who right here has zero ticks?" he questions.
"That would be Jesus' clock." replies God.
"What about Abraham Lincoln's clock?"
"Honest Abe has two ticks on his."
Curious about the clocks, the man decides to ask, "Where is the President's clock?"
God looks up at the man and tells him, "Oh, that clock's not here. It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
God enjoys a good laugh!!
(found on my FB newsfeed)
**There were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:**
* He called everyone brother;
* He liked Gospel;
* He didn't get a fair trial.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:**
* He went into His Father's business;
* He lived at home until he was 33;
* He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:**
* He talked with His hands;
* He had wine with His meals;
* He used olive oil.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:**
* He never cut His hair;
* He walked around barefoot all the time;
* He started a new religion.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:**
* He was at peace with nature;
* He ate a lot of fish;
* He talked about the Great Spirit.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:**
* He never got married;
* He was always telling stories;
* He loved green pastures.
**But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:**
* He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food;
* He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it;
* And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
Can I get an AMEN!!
The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived
One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.
As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last Supper
Jesus started off the dinner by announcing that he is trying some new natural recipes with some very organic ingredients. Peter approaches him and says, "This bread is fantastic! What's in it?"
"I made that from my flesh," Jesus replied.
A bit surprised and disgusted, Peter and all other apostles who were eating the bread regretfully put their pieces back down onto the table.
"This wine is the best I've ever tasted!" said James.
"That's actually just my blood."
James discretely spat the wine back into his cup.
Absolutely chowing down, Judas exclaimed, "I don't care what you tell me is in these, nothing can keep me from these desserts! The filling in these eclairs is absolutely o**...!"
In light of the Pope allowing aliens into the catholic church...aliens make contact with humanity
upon hearing the news, the Pope arranges to meet with the leader of the aliens.
Once the two are seated and have enjoyed a short bit of pleasant conversation, the Pope asks the alien leader, "tell me, have you heard of Jesus?"
The alien leader looks at the pope before smiling in realization, "you mean Jesus of Nazareth?" he exclaims, continuing before the pope can reply, "oh, we know about him! He comes to our world every few months, and he's always so friendly!"
The Pope's mouth drops in shock "but...how? Jesus hasn't returned to us for over 2000 years!"
The alien leader frowns and thinks for a moment. "well", he finally says, "every time Jesus comes to our world, we give him a box of chocolates. What did you give him the last time he came here?"
my dog is a christian
* Pastor, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature? Pastor replied, No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road, maybe they will do it. The man said, Do you think they will accept a donation of U.S $250,000 for the burial service? Pastor exclaimed, Sweet Jesus! Why didn't u tell me the dog was a Christian?
An old man's brush with death
An old man who was recovering from a near fatal heart attack was sitting in a hospital bed with his family at his side. The old man's son cautiously asked, " Did you see. . . the light, Dad?" His father replied, "Why, yes I most certainty did!" Everyone in the room gasped and eagerly stared at the old man to tell more of his experience. His son asked " What did you see, Dad, did you see God?" to which his father replied, " There I was son, being carried to heaven by two. . . . two people." His son blurts out, "Who were these people!" The old man looks up towards the sky and closes his eyes, " It was Jesus and Muhammad, they carried me and told me I was going to be okay th..." The nurse in the room bursts out with laughter, which immediately offends the old man's family. The son stands up and says " Who do you think you are laughing at my father during his most spiritual moment!" The nurse says, " Excuse me for laughing but Jesus and Muhammad are two of our ambulance drivers."
Three men are at church. One of them is a union worker.
Three men are in Church one Sunday morning, one of them belongs to the local union. Before the service they complain amongst themselves of their various ailments and injuries.
Jesus hears them, and he appears before these gentlemen. "Tell me your troubles my children."
"Lord. I can not stand up straight or go a day without pain, thanks to a back injury i suffered years ago." The first man says.
"Be healed, Child." Jesus says. The man immediately stands stall and does jumping jacks, feeling true relief.
"Lord, I can barely see. I was blinded by a flash-bang in Iraq, I need these thick glasses just to function." The second man says. Jesus takes his glasses away and they crumble into fine powder. the man can see with perfect 20-20 vision.
The union worker, seeing this, shouts "Don't touch me! I'm on permanent disability!"
Today I found Jesus in my life. Let me tell you about him.
He is tan with a thick black mustache, and eyes so brown they make your soul melt. He is my gardner, the best I have ever employed.
A man went to heaven...
So a man in the hospital died of a sickness and went up to heaven. Before he could enter he had to go to a sort of office building, he noticed the office walls were covered in clocks. He asked the angel working at the desk,
"What are these clocks for?"
To which the angel replied, "These clocks move 1 minute for every lie someone tells or told."
The man points to a clock, "Whose is this?"
The angel tells him, "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock, it has only moved 2 minutes, indicating he only told 2 lies."
The man points at another clock.
The angel says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it hasn't moved at all."
The man then asks the angel, "Where is Barack Obama's clock?
To which the angel replies, "In Jesus' Office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
The drowning man.
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No ??"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Jesus keeps an eye on the pearly gates.
St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.
After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."
Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"
The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"
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Hippie and the nun
One day, a hippie enters a bus and sits down beside a nun. He asks her if they want to have s**... but she declines saying: "Jesus is my master and he forbids me to have s**... with you."
The next day, the hippie asks her again but she refuses again. Before he leaves the bus, the busdriver holds him back and tells him that the nun prays every night at a certain church.
Dressed as Jesus the hippie goes to the church and sees the nun. He commanders her:"t**... clothes and have s**... with me, im Jesus your master." The nun does so and after 5 minutes of wild s**... the hippie takes of his costume:" Hahaha nun it's me, the hippie!"
After that, the nun takes off her costume and says:" Hahaha it's me the busdriver"
The Lie Clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he noticed a huge wall of clocks behind him.
"What are all those clocks?" He asked.
St. Peter answered, "Those are lie-clocks. Everyone on Earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie, the hands on the clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, indicating towards one of the clocks, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us he only told two lies in his entire life."
"Hmm..." said the man, "so where's George Bush's clock?"
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
Semi-old Joke: Lie Clocks
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A man goes into heaven...
...he sees a lot of clock's and asks what they're for.
Jesus says, "These are lying clocks. If a person tells a lie the minute hand moves."
Jesus points to one clock and says, "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock, the hands have only moved a bit."
Jesus points to another clock and says, "This is my Mother's clock, it has never moved since she has never told a lie."
Suddenly the man asks where George Bush has his clock.
Jesus says, "It used to be in my office for a fan."
The man asks why it's not his fan anymore.
Jesus answers, "We're using Obama's for a generator to get the Air Conditioning going."
I watched a documentary on Jesus the other day.
It was brilliant. Never had I experienced such thought provoking story telling in a documentary.
I particularly enjoyed the end. I think they absolutely nailed it.
Jesus spoke to me yesterday...
But I don't like talking to my roofers, so I had his brother Juan tell him not to do that in the future.
A Priest Visits an Eskimo
One day a priest decided to spread the good word of Jesus to the frozen wastes of the far north. He found an Eskimo huddled up in his cozy igloo trying to stay warm. The priest invited himself in and began to teach the Eskimo about the word of God. A few hours later, the priest felt that the stories of all the miracles made by Jesus and of eternal life in heaven would be sufficient enough to convert the Eskimo to Christianity. The Eskimo, remaining silent all this time, said "So is it true that those who do not know of God and of sin will still find eternal life in heaven?" The priest, eager to get a response out of the Eskimo, responded "Why, of course! God would never abandon his lost children!" The Eskimo, becoming irritated by this intruder, retorted, "Then why did you tell me?!"
One day jesus was manning the gates for St Peter...
One day Jesus was manning the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered "Pinocchio?"
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
How to tell the difference between Jews, Baptists, and Protestants
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the Church
-
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah
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Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.
One day Jesus was strolling around...
...when he comes across a sad old man, searching something desperately.
"What are you searching for old man?" He asks.
"My son." responds the old man.
Jesus tells the man that he will aid him in finding his son. But wanta more information: "Do you have any information about him? Anything specific, like, what does he look like?"
"Well," the old man says "he had nails in his hands and legs..."
Jesus is shocked.
"D...Dad?" He asks, his voice trembling.
The old man approaches Jesus, places his hands onto Jesus' cheeks. He asks:
"Pinnocio??"
When I want to be remembered I think "what would Jesus do?"
So I start a religion by telling my friends I'll be resurrected in 3 days
Three guys are praying in front of the altar...
First guy: "God Please give me 5,000 $. Please just 5,000$"
Second guy: "God Please give me 10,000 $. Please just 10,000$"
Third guy: He goes to the first guy and gives him 5,000 $, then to the second guy and gives him 10,000 $. Then he looks at Jesus and tells him "God now concentrate on me. I want 1,000,000 $".
What did Ja Rule tell his friend when he forgot what the third magi brought to baby Jesus?
It's myrrh, duh.
Why were there so many accidents in the church parking lot after the Sunday service?
Everyone was telling Jesus to take the wheel.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Conservatives keep telling me to find Jesus
How am I supposed to find him if they want him sent back to mexico and want a wall to keep him out?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to tell if Jesus was Jewish.
- Jesus was unmarried until he was 30.
- Jesus inherited his father's business.
- Jesus thought his mother was a god.
- Jesus believed his mother was v**....
A man dies and goes to heaven...
He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
When someone proclaims "I'm not ashamed of Jesus",
I can't tell if they are a Christian or if they are coming out of the closet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
'Mexican' isn't a religion...
So why do atheists keep telling me Jesus doesn't exist? I know several of them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...
and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"
"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."
The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"
"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."
"And where was He born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a manger."
"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.
"Because a s**... like you wouldn't rent him a room!"
Jesus, Chuck Norris, and Moses decided to go fishing...
Out on the water they realized they forgot their food. Jesus says," I'm sure hungry I'm going to go get a sandwich." Stands up, walks across the water and gets a sandwich. Chuck Norris decided he was hungry too. Gets up, walks across the water and gets a sandwich. Moses thinks he hungry too, steps out of the boat, and falls in and is barely staying above water. Jesus looks at Chuck and says, " You think we should tell him about the stepping stones?"
Chuck Norris asks," what stepping stones?"
The Wall of Lie-Clocks
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indication that she never told a lie."
"Incredible" said the man.
"And that's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe told two lies his entire life."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Little Joe was at the farm, when he saw a dead chicken.
It was lying on its back, rigor mortis locking its legs in the air. He asks his dad why the chicken has his legs in the air. Dad, who's not exactly the brightest fellow, tells him that it's so that Jesus can reach down and pull them to heaven.
Later, at the family reunion, Joe runs to his dad crying.
"What's the matter?" Asked dad, concerned.
Little Joey cries "Mum nearly died! She was on her back with her legs in the air screaming 'Jesus I'm coming!' If it wasn't for uncle bruce holding her down she would've been gone forever!"
Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....
Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.
Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.
Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend this. He can only manage to stammer out "No way"
Joseph looks at him and says "Yahweh..."
Why can't my master understand that I am just a Labrador and not Jesus?
He keeps telling me to heal.
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Why Islam is growing rapidly !!!
Father Francis of Bradford was unhappy that the church attendance had steadily declined in the past few years but the mosque across the street was jampacked every Friday.
So he invited the imam for a cup of tea and then finally brought up the topic
Imam :So tell me,what happens if a man visits church every Sunday and follows the word of Jesus
Father: He will go to heaven after he dies
Imam: What will he get there?
Father: He will forever be in the company of Father,Jesus,Holy Spirit,v**... Mary...
Imam: Thats the problem, Only One v**......
The car of a woman stops at midnight
A man come to help her. He start fixing the car.
After he finished, he tells the woman to try and start the car.
"Jesus, make this car start."
"Saint Mary, make this car start."
" St. Peter, make this car start." said the man.
"You must be a very religious Christian man." said the lady.
"No, I am a Muslim " said the man, " I can't wake up our prophet in the middle of the night!"
A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope
Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.
Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, always in white clothes and is in his mid-thirties? Sure we know this guy.. great guy! Whenever he visits us he cure our sick, turn some water into wine (great laugh!), show us his walking-on-water-trick and then we throw a great party and serve him pancakes. He pops up every 2 years or so. Anyway, what did you guys do?
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I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that s**... is evil
The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.
With faint voice, crucified Jesus calls Petrus...
"Petrus, come closer, I have to tell you something important."
Petrus steps to the cross, looking up to Jesus: "Yes master, what is it?"
"Please come closer.", Jesus whispers.
Petrus takes a ladder and climbs up to Jesus. "Yes master, I'm here, what is it?"
Jesus: "From up here I can see our house."
Jesus is preparing for the Last Supper...
Jesus: Judas, I need you to go to each and every one of my disciples and tell them to meet me here for supper. Also, stop by the market and get some fish, vegetables, and a dessert. When you've come back and are done cooking, set up the table and our best plates.
Later that evening, while everyone is enjoying their food, Jesus begains in a somber tone, "One of you will betray me -
Judas: "Why do I have to do everything around here?!"
Some Roman soldiers are sitting in a bar, exchanging stories
One of the soldiers tell the others:
"I had the easiest shift the other night, just had to make sure this dead guy didn't crawl out of his tomb- slept through the whole thing."
As the soldier finishes, Jesus walks into the bar.
"April fool's"
Jesus and a Roman are about to play beer pong, what does the Roman tell Jesus
Bet you can't hang
So, ya know how Jesus walked on water?
I figured that babies were 80 percent water and so that means...
I'm using my one prison call to tell you this.
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Jesus Christ and his friends are out for fun. After drinking some glasses and talking about man-stuff, Jesus tells them the secret that he is over 30 and still a v**...!
His friends decide that they can not leave it that way...especially because he is the son of god... and drag him to the next brothel. They pay him the next best h**... girl and put both to a room and shut the door. Relaxed they started drinking a few more bottles when suddenly the door of the room opens, the h**... runs out n**..., crying and shouting, and disappears in the dark of the night. Jesus walks out and smiles. His friends ask what just happened?
Jesus: "Well, she showed me her wound and I healed it"
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God and Jesus are playing a game on their PlayStations.
God and Jesus are playing a game on their PlayStations. Jesus gets a text from l**... that he wants to join them online. Jesus asks God if that's okay. God knows that it won't work because l**... plays on X-box.
He tells Jesus that l**... isn't cross-compatible.
Jesus and Buddha are sitting in Heaven.
Buddha: "I should've made one of those rules where people aren't allowed to depict me."
Jesus: "Why?"
Buddha: "They keep making me look fat!"
Jesus: "Tell me about it. I've been a blond white guy for two thousand years!"
i can`t see
A man goes to his doctor and says, Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening. The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. Tell me what you see there, says the doctor and points. "I see the Sun," answer the man. The doctor turns to him and asks, Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!
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In church they tell you not to drink or have premarital s**...
Yet Jesus got hammered and nailed in a single weekend.
A man dies and goes to heaven
A man dies and goes to heaven.
While entering the golden gates, he sees Saint Peter, surrounded by ticking clocks.
The man asks ¨what are those clocks for?¨
Saint Peter replies ¨These are lie clocks, and every time a person tells a lie, they tick. For example Mother Theresa gave her life to god, so she has no ticks. Honest Abe has told 1 lie, so he has 1 tick¨
The man, thinking hes being smart says ¨what about Donald Trumps clock?¨
Saint Peter answers saying ¨Oh, that's in Jesus's office, its being used as a fan!¨
Pope Francis died.
He goes up to heaven and knocks on the door. Holy Petrus asks him who he is and what he wants. ,,I am the pope and want to go to heaven! Don't you know me? Petrus says:,, No, i have to talk to my boss. Five minutes later comes Jesus and asks Francis the same. ,,I am the pope and want to go to heaven! You must know me! I was the leader of the holy catholic church! Jesus lets him in. Later Jesus tells Petrus:,,Remember the fishing club we founded 2000 years ago? It still exists!
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Trump's clock?"
"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
Whenever someone asks me what kind of car do I drive, I tell them,
"I drive the car that Jesus drove." This usually gets confused looks and once and a while, an nuh-uh. I tell them I'm serious. "In the bible, Jesus says, I do not speak of my own Accord."
