The Best 35 Did Jesus Tell Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Did Jesus Tell jokes. There are some did jesus tell 12 disciples jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these did jesus tell jesus nazareth puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Did Jesus Tell Jokes and Puns

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"



I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

A drunk man

A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,

"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,

"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"

Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend this. He can only manage to stammer out "No way"

Joseph looks at him and says "Yahweh..."

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"

"Incredible," said the man.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where is Trump's clock?"

"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan

Jesus told his desciples: "I tell you the truth, that Y = X^2 + 3X -5." But they didn't understand…

…because Jesus was speaking parabolically.


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"


"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"

An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...

and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"

"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."

The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"

"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."

"And where was He born?"

"In Bethlehem, in a manger."

"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent him a room!"

Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were selecting their followers...

Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says "cover yourself up"

The Drunk says to a priest.....

"I'm Jesus Christ" The priest says "no son, your not" The drunk turns and tells another priest "I'm Jesus Christ " The priest says "no son, your not" So the drunk says " here I'll prove it " The drunk walks into the bar and the bartender says " Jesus Christ, your here again?!"

A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that sodomy is evil

The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.

You can explore did jesus tell virgin mary reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean did jesus tell gospels dad jokes. There are also did jesus tell puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Jesus and Buddha are sitting in Heaven.

Buddha: "I should've made one of those rules where people aren't allowed to depict me."

Jesus: "Why?"

Buddha: "They keep making me look fat!"

Jesus: "Tell me about it. I've been a blond white guy for two thousand years!"

Next time someone asks you if you've found Jesus

Tell them that it wasn't your turn to watch him, and they should have used bigger nails.

I've invented a new opiod, which I've called Jesus.

All the churches near me are telling kids not to take the Lord's name in vein.

A drunk man runs into a Priest

A drunk man stumbles out a bar and walks straight into a Preist. The man sees his chance and says "Look Father! I'm Jesus Christ!"

The Preist tells him he isn't but the man is adament to show the Priest, so he takes the Preist im and walks upvto the bar.

The bartender says "Jesus Christ, what do you want now?"

How to tell the difference between Jews, Baptists, and Protestants

Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the Church

-

Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah

-

Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day.

It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.

Jesus tells Peter, "Come forth and you shall have eternal glory!"

Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.

Hey, Jesus!

Angel: Hey, Jesus! Some atheists are waiting for you at the gates of heaven!

Jesus: Tell them I'm not here


Jesus is preparing for the Last Supper...

Jesus: Judas, I need you to go to each and every one of my disciples and tell them to meet me here for supper. Also, stop by the market and get some fish, vegetables, and a dessert. When you've come back and are done cooking, set up the table and our best plates.

Later that evening, while everyone is enjoying their food, Jesus begains in a somber tone, "One of you will betray me -

Judas: "Why do I have to do everything around here?!"

A cop pulls over a car swerving all over the road

After the cop tells the driver why he stopped him and asks for his license and registration, he notices an open, half-empty bottle sitting on the floor.

Cop: Sir, what is that bottle between your feet?

Driver (burping): Uh, it's a bottle of water officer.

Cop: I can see from here that it's a bottle of red wine.

Driver (shocked): Oh my god, it is? Praise Jesus and his miracles!

Jesus is in heaven, telling everyone about the time he rose from the dead

That's nothing said Buddha. When I died, I stayed dead!

Jesus must have had a chiseled, muscular body...

I mean, he did cross fit, for God's sake. And the Bible tells us he was cut, ripped, and shredded.

How can you tell Jesus was Irish?

He lived at home until he was in his thirties, he thought his mother was a virgin, he was an unemployed carpenter who got into trouble with the Empire, his last night on Earth was spent out drinking with his mates, and his last request was a drink.

How to tell if Jesus was Jewish.

- Jesus was unmarried until he was 30.
- Jesus inherited his father's business.
- Jesus thought his mother was a god.
- Jesus believed his mother was virgin.

The car of a woman stops at midnight

A man come to help her. He start fixing the car.

After he finished, he tells the woman to try and start the car.

"Jesus, make this car start."
"Saint Mary, make this car start."
" St. Peter, make this car start." said the man.

"You must be a very religious Christian man." said the lady.

"No, I am a Muslim " said the man, " I can't wake up our prophet in the middle of the night!"

Jesus and his disciples at last dinner.

"Waiter!", Jesus called, "Can I get a receipt please?"

After some time, waiter finally comes to Jesus and puts a receipt in his palm.

Jesus is looking at receipt for 10 seconds straight with confusion and shock all over his face.

He turns to disciples and shouts "Didn't I tell y'all to order water instead of wine?!"

With faint voice, crucified Jesus calls Petrus...

"Petrus, come closer, I have to tell you something important."
Petrus steps to the cross, looking up to Jesus: "Yes master, what is it?"
"Please come closer.", Jesus whispers.
Petrus takes a ladder and climbs up to Jesus. "Yes master, I'm here, what is it?"
Jesus: "From up here I can see our house."

In church they tell you not to drink or have premarital sex

Yet Jesus got hammered and nailed in a single weekend.

abstinence is the only 100% effective birth control

Tell that to Jesus' mom.

i can`t see

A man goes to his doctor and says, Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening. The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. Tell me what you see there, says the doctor and points. "I see the Sun," answer the man. The doctor turns to him and asks, Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!

God and Jesus are playing a game on their PlayStations.

God and Jesus are playing a game on their PlayStations. Jesus gets a text from Lucifer that he wants to join them online. Jesus asks God if that's okay. God knows that it won't work because Lucifer plays on X-box.

He tells Jesus that Lucifer isn't cross-compatible.

Jesus spoke to me yesterday...

But I don't like talking to my roofers, so I had his brother Juan tell him not to do that in the future.

What did Jesus tell the rednecks before he died?

Don't do anything until I get back.

Three guys are praying in front of the altar...

First guy: "God Please give me 5,000 $. Please just 5,000$"

Second guy: "God Please give me 10,000 $. Please just 10,000$"

Third guy: He goes to the first guy and gives him 5,000 $, then to the second guy and gives him 10,000 $. Then he looks at Jesus and tells him "God now concentrate on me. I want 1,000,000 $".

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the did jesus tell virgin birth jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working did jesus tell christ piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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