Did Jesus Tell Jokes
94 did jesus tell jokes and hilarious did jesus tell puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about did jesus tell that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Did Jesus Tell Short Jokes
Short did jesus tell jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The did jesus tell humour may include short jews telling jokes also.
- Jesus told his desciples: "I tell you the truth, that Y = X^2 + 3X -5." But they didn't understand… …because Jesus was speaking parabolically.
- I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon… Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!
- Next time someone asks you if you've found Jesus Tell them that it wasn't your turn to watch him, and they should have used bigger nails.
- I've invented a new opiod, which I've called Jesus. All the churches near me are telling kids not to take the Lord's name in vein.
- Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day. It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.
- Jesus tells Peter, "Come forth and you shall have eternal glory!" Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
- Hey, Jesus! Angel: Hey, Jesus! Some atheists are waiting for you at the gates of heaven!
Jesus: Tell them I'm not here - Jesus is in heaven, telling everyone about the time he rose from the dead That's nothing said Buddha. When I died, I stayed dead!
- Jesus must have had a chiseled, muscular body... I mean, he did cross fit, for God's sake. And the Bible tells us he was cut, ripped, and shredded.
- The sermon on the mount Jesus: "Verily, I tell you: x²+5x+10."
Mark: "Huh? What's the boss talking about?"
John: "Never mind, he's just mixing up parable and parabola again."
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Did Jesus Tell One Liners
Which did jesus tell one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with did jesus tell? I can suggest the ones about jesus and mary and bible verse.
- abstinence is the only 100% effective birth control Tell that to Jesus' mom.
- Our parents say alcohol is our enemy Jesus tells us to love our enemies...
- I'm kinda like Jesus... I like to hang out with prostitutes and tell outragous lies.
- How do you blackmail a Christian blond? Threaten to tell Jesus everything
- How can you tell Jesus is Jewish? He's known as "the savior" and not "the spender"
- How can you tell Jesus is coming? He's jerking through the hole in his hand.
- Once I made the mistake of telling Jesus to take the wheel on a Sunday. Once.
- What did the man tell Jesus when he found him on the streets begging? You're a messiah?
- What did Jesus tell the r**... before he died? Don't do anything until I get back.
Cheerful Did Jesus Tell Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about did jesus tell you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jesus christmas jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make did jesus tell pranks.
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice." The man then asks, "So where is George Bush's clock?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"
My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the v**... Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"
I said, "No. s**... that I can't tell anyone about."
It's not often spoken about but Jesus had a spanking f**....
He spent most of his day's telling people to turn the other cheek.
Jesus and his disciples at last dinner.
"Waiter!", Jesus called, "Can I get a receipt please?"
After some time, waiter finally comes to Jesus and puts a receipt in his palm.
Jesus is looking at receipt for 10 seconds straight with confusion and shock all over his face.
He turns to disciples and shouts "Didn't I tell y'all to order water instead of wine?!"
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room Jeffery Epstien didn't kill himself laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Mary is sitting in Sunday school...
She had a long night, so she was dozing off. The teacher asks "Who is the creator of the world and all its creatures?"
A kid sitting behind Mary starts poking her with a pencil. She wakes up and turns around and yells "My GOD!"
The teacher says she is correct and Mary dozes off again. The teacher proceeds to ask the class "Who is the son of God?"
The kid pokes Mary again with a pencil, she again wakes up, turns around and yells "JESUS CHRIST!"
The teacher tells her she is correct and Mary dozes off yet again. Later The teacher then asks the class "What did Eve say to Adam after they had they're 13th child?"
Once again the kid pokes Mary with his pencil. She wakes up, turns around, and yells "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!"
Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were selecting their followers...
Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says "cover yourself up"
Why do the ladies love Jesus?
He's hung like this. (Stretch out arms.)
Really one that you have to tell in person, but it's my favorite.
A new priest is about to give his first sermon...
and he's really nervous about it, so he goes and asks the older priest if he can help.
"Well I'll tell you what," says the older priest, "I'll switch out the wine for a martini so you can calm your nerves before you start talking."
"Thanks Father!" says the new priest.
After the mass is over, the new priest walks over to the older priest and asks how he did.
"Well... you did a good job for the most part, except for a few things...
-Don't refer to Jesus and his followers as 'The late JC and the boys',
-Don't call the v**... Mary 'Mary the Cherry',
-The Holy Trinity is not 'Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook',
-There's a taffy-pulling contest and St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's,
-And the drive-through confessional is a good idea, but the sign 'toot and tell or go to h**...' has to go."
A man died and went to heaven..
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.
It's a Miracle, I tell yeah!
A police officer notices a car swerving on the freeway, so he pulls it over. As he walks up to the car he notices the driver is a priest.
"Anything to drink today, father?", the officer asks.
"No, just water", replies the priest.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?, rebutted the officer.
The father looks at the officer with wide open eyes and replies in astonishment," SWEET JESUS! I can't believe it! He's done it again!! IT'S A MIRACLE! "
my dog is a christian
* Pastor, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature? Pastor replied, No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road, maybe they will do it. The man said, Do you think they will accept a donation of U.S $250,000 for the burial service? Pastor exclaimed, Sweet Jesus! Why didn't u tell me the dog was a Christian?
Three men are at church. One of them is a union worker.
Three men are in Church one Sunday morning, one of them belongs to the local union. Before the service they complain amongst themselves of their various ailments and injuries.
Jesus hears them, and he appears before these gentlemen. "Tell me your troubles my children."
"Lord. I can not stand up straight or go a day without pain, thanks to a back injury i suffered years ago." The first man says.
"Be healed, Child." Jesus says. The man immediately stands stall and does jumping jacks, feeling true relief.
"Lord, I can barely see. I was blinded by a flash-bang in Iraq, I need these thick glasses just to function." The second man says. Jesus takes his glasses away and they crumble into fine powder. the man can see with perfect 20-20 vision.
The union worker, seeing this, shouts "Don't touch me! I'm on permanent disability!"
Today I found Jesus in my life. Let me tell you about him.
He is tan with a thick black mustache, and eyes so brown they make your soul melt. He is my gardner, the best I have ever employed.
A man went to heaven...
So a man in the hospital died of a sickness and went up to heaven. Before he could enter he had to go to a sort of office building, he noticed the office walls were covered in clocks. He asked the angel working at the desk,
"What are these clocks for?"
To which the angel replied, "These clocks move 1 minute for every lie someone tells or told."
The man points to a clock, "Whose is this?"
The angel tells him, "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock, it has only moved 2 minutes, indicating he only told 2 lies."
The man points at another clock.
The angel says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it hasn't moved at all."
The man then asks the angel, "Where is Barack Obama's clock?
To which the angel replies, "In Jesus' Office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
The drowning man.
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No ??"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Jesus keeps an eye on the pearly gates.
St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.
After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."
Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"
The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"
The Lie Clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he noticed a huge wall of clocks behind him.
"What are all those clocks?" He asked.
St. Peter answered, "Those are lie-clocks. Everyone on Earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie, the hands on the clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, indicating towards one of the clocks, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us he only told two lies in his entire life."
"Hmm..." said the man, "so where's George Bush's clock?"
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
I watched a documentary on Jesus the other day.
It was brilliant. Never had I experienced such thought provoking story telling in a documentary.
I particularly enjoyed the end. I think they absolutely nailed it.
Three priests walk up to a door at a bar.
When they try to open the door, a very drunk man steps out. He tells each priest that he's Jesus Christ. All of the priests disagree with him, and he tells them, "I can prove it!"
So he walks back into the bar with the three priests, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back again?"
A drunk man runs into a Priest
A drunk man stumbles out a bar and walks straight into a Preist. The man sees his chance and says "Look Father! I'm Jesus Christ!"
The Preist tells him he isn't but the man is adament to show the Priest, so he takes the Preist im and walks upvto the bar.
The bartender says "Jesus Christ, what do you want now?"
Jesus spoke to me yesterday...
But I don't like talking to my roofers, so I had his brother Juan tell him not to do that in the future.
My grandpa told me this one!
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"
Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road...
Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, and runs over it, giving it instant death. The chauffeur stops the car, gets out and looks around. He spots a small farm-house in the distance. Donald says to his chauffeur,
"You should at least tell them that you've killed the pig"
The chauffeur does as he's told. A couple of hours later, the chauffeur stumbles out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss-marks and a bottle of champagne in each hand. As he stumbles to the passenger side window, Donald exclaims,
"Jesus, what did you tell them?"
"Exactly what you told me boss: Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur and I've just killed the pig"
How to tell the difference between Jews, Baptists, and Protestants
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the Church
-
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah
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Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.
Jesus and his apostles go to a restaurant...
"Table for 26, please," Jesus tells the hostess.
"But there are only 13 of you."
"Yeah, but we're all going to sit on one side of the table."
Bill Clinton died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Bill, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Hillary's clock?" Bill asked.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
One day Jesus was strolling around...
...when he comes across a sad old man, searching something desperately.
"What are you searching for old man?" He asks.
"My son." responds the old man.
Jesus tells the man that he will aid him in finding his son. But wanta more information: "Do you have any information about him? Anything specific, like, what does he look like?"
"Well," the old man says "he had nails in his hands and legs..."
Jesus is shocked.
"D...Dad?" He asks, his voice trembling.
The old man approaches Jesus, places his hands onto Jesus' cheeks. He asks:
"Pinnocio??"
When I want to be remembered I think "what would Jesus do?"
So I start a religion by telling my friends I'll be resurrected in 3 days
Three guys are praying in front of the altar...
First guy: "God Please give me 5,000 $. Please just 5,000$"
Second guy: "God Please give me 10,000 $. Please just 10,000$"
Third guy: He goes to the first guy and gives him 5,000 $, then to the second guy and gives him 10,000 $. Then he looks at Jesus and tells him "God now concentrate on me. I want 1,000,000 $".
What did Ja Rule tell his friend when he forgot what the third magi brought to baby Jesus?
It's myrrh, duh.
Why were there so many accidents in the church parking lot after the Sunday service?
Everyone was telling Jesus to take the wheel.
Conservatives keep telling me to find Jesus
How am I supposed to find him if they want him sent back to mexico and want a wall to keep him out?
Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school
The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?'
Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!'
'Correct Claire'
The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?'
Todd poked Claire again and she leapt up and shouted 'JESUS CHRIST!'
'Correct again Claire'
And the class continues until the teacher asks a third question
'What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?'
Again Todd poked Claire, and she yelled out
'I SWEAR IF YOU POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SNAP IT IN HALF!'
Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.
Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:
The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you killed the pig...
So the chauffeur does as he's told. Few hours later, he comes out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss marks, and a champagne in each hand. Trump asks:
Jesus! What did you tell them?
What you told me to;
"Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur, and I've just killed the pig!"
How to tell if Jesus was Jewish.
- Jesus was unmarried until he was 30.
- Jesus inherited his father's business.
- Jesus thought his mother was a god.
- Jesus believed his mother was v**....
A man dies and goes to heaven...
He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
When someone proclaims "I'm not ashamed of Jesus",
I can't tell if they are a Christian or if they are coming out of the closet.
'Mexican' isn't a religion...
So why do atheists keep telling me Jesus doesn't exist? I know several of them.
An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...
and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"
"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."
The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"
"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."
"And where was He born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a manger."
"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.
"Because a s**... like you wouldn't rent him a room!"
The Wall of Lie-Clocks
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indication that she never told a lie."
"Incredible" said the man.
"And that's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe told two lies his entire life."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....
Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.
Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.
Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend this. He can only manage to stammer out "No way"
Joseph looks at him and says "Yahweh..."
Why can't my master understand that I am just a Labrador and not Jesus?
He keeps telling me to heal.
Why Islam is growing rapidly !!!
Father Francis of Bradford was unhappy that the church attendance had steadily declined in the past few years but the mosque across the street was jampacked every Friday.
So he invited the imam for a cup of tea and then finally brought up the topic
Imam :So tell me,what happens if a man visits church every Sunday and follows the word of Jesus
Father: He will go to heaven after he dies
Imam: What will he get there?
Father: He will forever be in the company of Father,Jesus,Holy Spirit,v**... Mary...
Imam: Thats the problem, Only One v**......
The car of a woman stops at midnight
A man come to help her. He start fixing the car.
After he finished, he tells the woman to try and start the car.
"Jesus, make this car start."
"Saint Mary, make this car start."
" St. Peter, make this car start." said the man.
"You must be a very religious Christian man." said the lady.
"No, I am a Muslim " said the man, " I can't wake up our prophet in the middle of the night!"
A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope
Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.
Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, always in white clothes and is in his mid-thirties? Sure we know this guy.. great guy! Whenever he visits us he cure our sick, turn some water into wine (great laugh!), show us his walking-on-water-trick and then we throw a great party and serve him pancakes. He pops up every 2 years or so. Anyway, what did you guys do?
I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that s**... is evil
The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.
With faint voice, crucified Jesus calls Petrus...
"Petrus, come closer, I have to tell you something important."
Petrus steps to the cross, looking up to Jesus: "Yes master, what is it?"
"Please come closer.", Jesus whispers.
Petrus takes a ladder and climbs up to Jesus. "Yes master, I'm here, what is it?"
Jesus: "From up here I can see our house."
Jesus is preparing for the Last Supper...
Jesus: Judas, I need you to go to each and every one of my disciples and tell them to meet me here for supper. Also, stop by the market and get some fish, vegetables, and a dessert. When you've come back and are done cooking, set up the table and our best plates.
Later that evening, while everyone is enjoying their food, Jesus begains in a somber tone, "One of you will betray me -
Judas: "Why do I have to do everything around here?!"
Some Roman soldiers are sitting in a bar, exchanging stories
One of the soldiers tell the others:
"I had the easiest shift the other night, just had to make sure this dead guy didn't crawl out of his tomb- slept through the whole thing."
As the soldier finishes, Jesus walks into the bar.
"April fool's"
Jesus and a Roman are about to play beer pong, what does the Roman tell Jesus
Bet you can't hang
So, ya know how Jesus walked on water?
I figured that babies were 80 percent water and so that means...
I'm using my one prison call to tell you this.
How can you tell Jesus was Irish?
He lived at home until he was in his thirties, he thought his mother was a v**..., he was an unemployed carpenter who got into trouble with the Empire, his last night on Earth was spent out drinking with his mates, and his last request was a drink.
The Drunk says to a priest.....
"I'm Jesus Christ" The priest says "no son, your not" The drunk turns and tells another priest "I'm Jesus Christ " The priest says "no son, your not" So the drunk says " here I'll prove it " The drunk walks into the bar and the bartender says " Jesus Christ, your here again?!"
Jesus Christ and his friends are out for fun. After drinking some glasses and talking about man-stuff, Jesus tells them the secret that he is over 30 and still a v**...!
His friends decide that they can not leave it that way...especially because he is the son of god... and drag him to the next brothel. They pay him the next best h**... girl and put both to a room and shut the door. Relaxed they started drinking a few more bottles when suddenly the door of the room opens, the h**... runs out n**..., crying and shouting, and disappears in the dark of the night. Jesus walks out and smiles. His friends ask what just happened?
Jesus: "Well, she showed me her wound and I healed it"
God and Jesus are playing a game on their PlayStations.
God and Jesus are playing a game on their PlayStations. Jesus gets a text from l**... that he wants to join them online. Jesus asks God if that's okay. God knows that it won't work because l**... plays on X-box.
He tells Jesus that l**... isn't cross-compatible.
Jesus and Buddha are sitting in Heaven.
Buddha: "I should've made one of those rules where people aren't allowed to depict me."
Jesus: "Why?"
Buddha: "They keep making me look fat!"
Jesus: "Tell me about it. I've been a blond white guy for two thousand years!"
i can`t see
A man goes to his doctor and says, Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening. The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. Tell me what you see there, says the doctor and points. "I see the Sun," answer the man. The doctor turns to him and asks, Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!
In church they tell you not to drink or have premarital s**...
Yet Jesus got hammered and nailed in a single weekend.
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Trump's clock?"
"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
A drunk man
A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,
"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,
"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"
A cop pulls over a car swerving all over the road
After the cop tells the driver why he stopped him and asks for his license and registration, he notices an open, half-empty bottle sitting on the floor.
Cop: Sir, what is that bottle between your feet?
Driver (burping): Uh, it's a bottle of water officer.
Cop: I can see from here that it's a bottle of red wine.
Driver (shocked): Oh my god, it is? Praise Jesus and his miracles!
Whenever someone asks me what kind of car do I drive, I tell them,
"I drive the car that Jesus drove." This usually gets confused looks and once and a while, an nuh-uh. I tell them I'm serious. "In the bible, Jesus says, I do not speak of my own Accord."
