Dicks Jokes

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

[NSFW] Dad, I am a lesbian

1st Daughter:"Dad, I am a lesbian"
Dad; "Oh okay!"
2nd Daughter: "I'm a lesbian too..."
Dad: "Jesus Christ, does any one in this family love dicks?"
Son: "I do."

What has 3 dicks and is suicidal?

Me with 2 dicks in my mouth.

It's 80 degrees in San Francisco today.

Girls are wearing skirts so short you can almost see their dicks.

Paychecks are like dicks...

Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.

What's the difference between jokes and dicks?

My girlfriend doesn't laugh at my jokes.

*edited for spelling: "Mr" instead of "my"*

Have you met the guy with 5 dicks?

His underwear fits like a glove.


A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

It's a good thing Harambe got shot....

Dicks out for dead kids just doesn't sound good

You know that famous painter Rorschach?

Why does he only draw dicks?

Why do lesbians prefer going to Sports Authority?

They don't like Dicks...

What's the difference between a joke and a bag of dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke!!!

Dicks are like paychecks.

You never know how yours compares to others but you always hope it's a little bigger.

Why are uncircumcised people loners?

Because they're complete dicks.

A husband and wife sit down to dinner

He says "honey, tell me something that's going to make me really happy AND really mad at the same time"
She looks at him and says "your dicks bigger than your brothers"

Why did the lesbian go to Sports Authority?

because she didn't like dicks.

What do guys with big dicks eat for breakfast?

Didn't think you'd know.

Why do Jewish girls love circumcised dicks?

They love anything 10% off

Did you hear about the hotel that's only for guys with big dicks?

It's called the Halfway Inn.

A man stands at a row of crowded urinals...

Into the silence, he says "So... I guess this is where the dicks hang out."

Now that I have lived through a plague...

I get why most renaissance paintings are of fat people lounging around with their boobs and dicks out

If a woman says, "all men think with their dicks"

Well... then blow my mind.

Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority?

Because he likes Dicks.

Did you hear about the man born with 5 dicks?

His pants fit like a glove.

They say us men all think with our dicks...

but all I want is a woman who will blow my mind.

Yo mamma so old,

she has a separate entrance for black dicks.

Weinstein, C.K., Lauer...

I think this "Dicks out for Harambe" thing is getting out of hand.

After 10yrs of marriage is finding out that your spouse sucked 500+ dicks before getting hitched a big deal?

Because I think my wife is just overreacting?

The worst part about working with a bunch of dicks...

...is they tend to rub off on you.

Two hookers are standing on the side of the street..

Two hookers are standing on the side of the street. One says to the other, "It's going to be a great night! You can almost smell the dicks in the air!"

The other hooker responds, "I'm sorry, I just burped."

A son comes home one day to see his mother...

When he sits down at the kitchen table while his mother is cooking, he calmly tells her, "Mom, I have something to tell you. I'm gay"

The mother has no reaction. She just continues cooking.

Again, the son says, "Mom, I am not sure if you heard me, but I wanted to tell you that I'm gay."

Again, the mother has no reaction, and just continues cooking.

The son says again, "Mom, I am gay. Did you hear what I told you?"

The mother stops cooking, walks to her son, and asks, "Does gay mean that you put other men's dicks in your mouth?"

The son tells her, "Yes, that is what it means."

The mother then slaps him and says, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again"

Two prostitutes were walking down the street...

Two prostitutes were walking down the street and one of them said excitingly, "Oh we're gonna make big money tonight, I can smell the dicks in the air." The other one said, "Oh please, I just burped."

Pros and cons of guys:

Con: They're dicks.
Pro: Their dicks.

We're told men with large feet have large dicks and men with big cars have small dicks

You would almost think these stereotypes were conceived by clowns.

Political opinions are like dicks....

Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.

Life is like a gay bar...

...confusing and full of dicks.

Did you hear about the guy with five dicks?

His underwear fit like a glove.

My friend redeems himself after getting shot down...

My coworker was hitting on these two women who were way put of his league. They tolerated him for a while thinking he would go away, but he was persistent to the point that they were getting visibly agitated.

Thinking she would put him in his place, one of the women finally said, "Look buddy, I'm sure you're great, but my friend and I only date guys with 10-inch dicks."

I was getting that feeling in my stomach that guys get when they watch a friend get shot down and utterly humiliated. Then my friend replied, "Hey lady, I don't care who y'all are, I ain't holding back two inches for nobody!"

He got their numbers.

My friend told me to try out a gloryhole, since you can pretend it's a woman on the other side

I've sucked 5 dicks so far and I still have no idea how this is supposed to work

They say you are what you eat..

..no wonder some priests are such immature dicks.

A football team loses its star player Dante Dicks due to an injury...

The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without Dicks."

Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.

The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with Dicks out."

I wish dicks were more like technology

So I could brag about how small mine is

What do men with big dicks eat for breakfast?

If you had one you would know.

I've got a foot fetish.

I only like 12 inch dicks

Welcome to Dick's hotdogs,

if you like hotdogs, you'll love dicks.

Not all black people have huge dicks

Just the guys

What does a man with five dicks wear?

Pants that fit like a glove.

Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority?

Because they don't like dicks.

Jack the lad at work came out with this one today... What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke..

Someone keeps sending me envelopes with cartoon dicks on them.

I hate junk mail.

I left my wife last night. It turns out I like my women like I like my coffee....

Without a bunch of other dude's dicks inside of it.

What do hackers from movies and guys with small dicks have in common?

They both have to say 'I'm in'.

Was talking to a lady online. Things were getting sensual.

So I asked her if she liked guys with big dicks.

She replied " oh, yes baby! I do! .."

I apologized for wasting her time and said good night...

Hell's Bells

3 Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their dicks and put them in a room with a naked chick.
She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes 'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower.
So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes 'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves.

Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesn't ring. The woman nods.
"Good, you've passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."

I met a Mexican with two dicks

He called one Jose and the other Hose B

Three Men are Captured by Female Savages!

They are told their dicks would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.

The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.

The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.

The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied, "I work for Dyson!".

A condom store should be called...

Dicks Sporting Hoods.

Why do lesbians shop at Gander Mountain?

Because they don't like Dicks.

Do ants have dicks?


Cuz then they would be uncles.

What's the difference between, anything serious, and 25 unwashed homeless Juggalo dicks?

Yo momma never takes anything serious.

Guy goes to a bar and starts buying everyone drinks.

The bartender asks him where he got all the money. The guy said, "I sucked some dicks for $1000.10". The bartender asks him, "Who gave you the 10 cents?". The guy says, "They all did."

My friend had to go to the doctor, because all he could see were dicks.

Turns out he was cock-eyed.

A pro ?

I asked a friend. If there are a 1000 dicks on the wall how many do u choke on

Friend says. None ?

Never knew my friend was such a pro ....

Today I walked up to some girls and asked if they liked guys with big dicks

They replied yeah.

I replied, "I'm sorry for wasting your time..." turned around and walked away awkwardly.

What do you call 4 dicks tied together?

An erectangle.

Dicks and vaginas are sorta like Coke and Pepsi

I strongly prefer one, but my dad thinks they taste the same.


What's the difference between ten black dicks and a black joke? (offensive)

A black woman can't take a black joke.

Why doesnt justin bieber shop at Sports Authority?

Cause he prefers Dicks.

What did the letter " O " say to the letter " Q " ?

Dudddeee.....your dicks out!

Have you guys ever heard of this artist Rorschach?

All he does is draw pictures of dicks. Over and over and over.

I hear people complaining about their jobs a lot, well I'm a nurse and I touched six dicks yesterday

And it was my day off

I dunno who this Rorschach guy is

Or why he's so obsessed with drawing dicks

Cops are dicks

I got pulled over for what he thought was drunk driving. He asked me to say the alphabet backwards, and I just smiled and say "you first". Then he said "No it's Z" and arrested me.

Wanna know the difference between life and dicks?

Life is always hard.

Went to the library and asked do you have the sex book on small dicks, she said it's not in yet, I replied.

Yes that's the one.

"Of course I can paint your ceiling," Michaelangelo scoffed.

"Gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dicks out on it though."

Why are frog dicks the best?

They ribbit for your pleasure.

Dick's Sporting Goods came out against circumcision this past weekend

Changing their official slogan to Dicks Sporting Hoods.

Edit* grammar

We have collected gags that can be used as Dicks pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Dicks, here are one liners and funny Dicks pick up lines.

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