She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.
I just really love dick.
She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.
"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"
as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."
To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
But I think she was pulling my leg.
UPDATE: Thank you all for getting me on the popular page!
The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.
A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.
The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."
it's no wonder people are terrified of clowns.
Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.
...others saw it coming.
She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.
Daughter - Mommy, what was that?
Mom - (obviously didn't want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don't worry about it.
*a few seconds of silence*
Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.
She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.
Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.
Wait... Shit...
The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"
"Yes" the little girl replies
"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5
The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse
"He sure did" replied the cop, laughing
"Well tell him next time the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top of it"
A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.
When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield
The little girl asks: *Mommy, what was that?*
The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: *It was just a bug honey.*
The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: *It sure had a big dick.*
For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.
I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.
The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."
The husband says, "OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."
BOSS: Know why I called you in here?
ME: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic
BOSS [stops pouring 2 glasses of wine] Accidentally?
I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.
Friend: "Yes, yes I did."
"Why did you draw a dick?"
Friend: "Made me laugh."
"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."
Friend: "Well, I traced it."
Horse dick
But convincing her she's a robot with artificial implanted human emotions is called bladerunning. It's a Phillip K. Dick move.
"Mom, I have the biggest dick in the third grade, is it because i'm black?"
"No." She replies. "It's because you're 19."
My point is old people shouldn't get to vote
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well, tell him to put a reflector light on it next year! the cop says, and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?
The cop chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!
She said "You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on."
I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."
He unzips his pants and plops his dick on the counter.
The lady behind the counter say "sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop."
He say, "I know, I'd like for you to put two hands and a face on this."
She got fired too.
Kick his sister in the jaw.
I said "Nah, you're pulling my leg"
But all I could see was some fat man holding his dick.
Then I realised I hadn't turned the TV on.
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