dick Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious dick puns

I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".



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I wasn't allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

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A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

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A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

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My blind girlfriend said my dick was big

But I think she was pulling my leg.

UPDATE: Thank you all for getting me on the popular page!

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[NSFW] A highschool is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."

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If the bigger your feet, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick,

it's no wonder people are terrified of clowns.

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I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.

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Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

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My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn't want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don't worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

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I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

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My dick is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z

Wait... Shit...

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A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, laughing

"Well tell him next time the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top of it"

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Highway Dildo

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.

When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield

The little girl asks: *Mommy, what was that?*

The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: *It was just a bug honey.*

The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: *It sure had a big dick.*

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Anniversary idea

For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.

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I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

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A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex...

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

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Meeting with the boss

BOSS: Know why I called you in here?

ME: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic

BOSS [stops pouring 2 glasses of wine] Accidentally?

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

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"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

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What do gay horses eat?

Horse dick

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Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But convincing her she's a robot with artificial implanted human emotions is called bladerunning. It's a Phillip K. Dick move.

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A black third grader goes up to his mom and says:

"Mom, I have the biggest dick in the third grade, is it because i'm black?"

"No." She replies. "It's because you're 19."

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

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A cop on horse asks a little girl on a bike, did Santa get you that?

Yes, replies the little girl.

Well, tell him to put a reflector light on it next year! the cop says, and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?

The cop chuckles and replies, He sure did!

Well, says the little girl, Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!

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Got a handjob from a blind girl last night

She said "You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on."

I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."

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A guy walks into a clock shop...

He unzips his pants and plops his dick on the counter.

The lady behind the counter say "sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop."
He say, "I know, I'd like for you to put two hands and a face on this."

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I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work.

She got fired too.

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How do you chop a neo nazi's dick off?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

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I got a hand job off a blind girl last night. She said "You've got the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on..."

I said "Nah, you're pulling my leg"

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I brought a porn DVD today.

But all I could see was some fat man holding his dick.


Then I realised I hadn't turned the TV on.

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What are the most funny Dick jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Dick? Well, here are the best Dick dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Dick pick up lines to share with friends.

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