The Best 48 Dice Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Dice jokes. There are some dice madden jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these dice como se dice puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Dice Jokes and Puns

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The Bartender says, "Hey, Rene, you want a scotch?" Descartes replies, "No, I think not."
And then he vanishes.

No dice.

A lady goes to the store to buy a hook mount on a wall to hang her coat. She walks up to the counter with it but doesn't have a screw to mount it to the wall. The checkout guy says "do you want a screw for the hook? She answers ""No but I'll blow you for that toaster."

(A version of an old Andrew Dice Clay joke)

My first job ...

When I was 15 I came home one day very excited, walked up to my father and said, "Hey dad! I just got a job!"

To which my father replies, "Congratulations son! How much does it pay?"

Confused, I respond, "Well, she charged me 50 bucks... If they're going to start paying me... Then I might end up a workaholic!"

( I think this is a bastardization of an old Andrew Dice Clay bit... I'm sure it was funnier when said on stage).

Dice joke, My first job ...

I entered a contest to win a set of really nice vegetable knives

...but no dice.

What do the members of Coldplay use to play board games?

A pair o', pair o', pair o' dice.

Don't Invite Satan Over To Play Board Games...

...because last time I did it, he took the dice we used to play Monopoly.

Now I have a pair of dice lost.

I have lived majority of my life residing in Al Capone's shakers.

I mean, I've spent most my life living in a ganster's pair of dice.

Dice joke, I have lived majority of my life residing in Al Capone's shakers.

Why did the gambler think he was in heaven?

He found his pair a' dice!

why should you never play boardgames with Coldplay?

'cause they'll never roll the PAIR'O PAIR'O PAIR'O DICE

Why is Coolio always able to play craps?

He's got a gangsta's pair a dice.

I downloaded sandstorm simulator 2016 yesterday

You can ride horses and wear gas masks. DICE has really outdone themselves.

You can explore dice craps reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean dice yahtzee dad jokes. There are also dice puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What did Coldplay say when they were asked to run a craps table?

"We need a pair of... pair of... pair of dice."

Why should you be cautious when stepping on dominoes?

You're walking on thin dice.

Universe's odds of existing? Near impossible. Humanity's odds of existing? Near impossible.

My chances at a relationship? Well... I make the other odds look like a 1 in 6 roll on loaded dice.

You'll never get rich playing craps.

It's just a fool's pair o' dice.

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm nude."

She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.

Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"

It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

Dice joke, A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

Here, have a joke in spanish

sabe inglΓ©s?"


"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglΓ©s?"

"a shoe"



Best joke in spanish off all time

Dos elefantes se estΓ‘n baΓ±ando uno le dice al otro, ΒΏtenes jabΓ³n? Β‘No, radio!

What's the godfather's favorite dice game?

Luca Yahtzee

There's no need for dice!

When your role playing....


I give my children 3 dice when they turn 7.

I told them it builds character.

COD Rolled the Dice

but Battlefield 1

The Bet

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude."

They agree to her unusual request and she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams: "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.

For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: "What did she roll, anyway?"

The second dealer says: "I don't know. I thought *you* were watching."

Pre-2000s, gender was like flipping a coin.

Now it's like rolling a DnD dice.

Board Game Shop

Me: I want a dice.

Clerk: The correct term is 'die'.

Me: I want 2 die.

Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die.

Me: I want 2 die alone.

Why was the gambler obsessed with getting to heaven?

He heard it was a pair of dice.

Courtesy of my 8 year old. I'm a bad parent.

Our goal was to play D&D all day today but...

No dice.

I wanted win some money playing Craps at the casino

But no dice.

I'm sick and tired of EA's microtransaction on Battlefront 2.

An old habit never DICE, I guess.

Why would somebody write the letters of the alphabet on a bunch of dice and shove them up their nose?

It's mind-boggling!

What is Hitler's favourite dice game?


Tommy bought a pack of 3 dice. He got rid of one. Why?

Because he wanted 2 die.

My friend was listening to the song "Paradise"

She said, "That must be a nice pair of dice!"

I came up with a new game:

Two players need a chessboard, a diamond ace, a dice, a bunch of bananas, two condoms and a set of kitchen knives. Players must improvise. After two hours, host opens an envelope with the rules, and players will find out which of them has lost the least.

I called this game "Life".

Did you hear about the guy who was pelted to death by dice?

Yeah, the police reports state that he died to death.

Just bought a bunch of dice but they only have odd numbers

I literally can't even

What does the suicidal gambling addict do in his spare time?

Dice at home.

I was hoping my crazy puppy would calm down when he got neutered.

No dice.

Einstein: God does not play Dice

Me: God stopped when the fun stopped

What is a German's favorite dice game?


What happens when all the gamblers get their own gambling tool?

Everyone dice

My friend made a cube in woodworking class today

I told him to put some dots on it, but no dice.

I have a strong personality

Whenever I want to go drinking I throw a dice, if I don't throw 6 I can't go.
Yesterdaynight I had to throw 8 times before I could go.

The die is cast

Hitler took a stroll in one of the concentration camps and he saw some Jews playing around with dice.
He came up to them saying : "if you roll a number from 1 to 5 you will die!
Jews : "And what if we roll a 6?"
Hitler smiled : "You get to roll the die again"

My wife caught me cheating while we were playing monopoly

She dropped the dice and saw me fingering her sister

If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

No tie, no entry

Guy decides to go to a swanky new nightclub. He gets to the door and the bouncer stops him. "You have to have a tie to get in".
Guy goes back to his car to see if he has a tie laying around. No dice. So he takes his jumper cables and ties them around his neck.
Goes back to the door, bouncer looks him over, says "ok, you can go in, just don't start anything ".

My wife caught me cheating at Monopoly...

She dropped the dice and found me fingering her sister.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the dice dnd jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working dice andrew dice clay piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes