Dice Jokes

62 dice jokes and hilarious dice puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dice that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laughing at dice jokes is a great way to break the ice at a night of poker, craps, Dungeons and Dragons, or any other game that involves rolling dice. From clever puns to off-color tales, these dice jokes are sure to liven up your next game night. So what do you say - Que le dice? Read this article to find out!

Quick Jump To

Funniest Dice Short Jokes

Short dice jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dice humour may include short roulette jokes also.

  1. Here, have a joke in spanish sabe inglés?"
    "como se dice 'un zapato' en inglés?"
    "a shoe"
  2. board game Shop Me: I want a dice.
    Clerk: The correct term is 'die'.
    Me: I want 2 die.
    Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die.
    Me: I want 2 die alone.
  3. Why was the gambler obsessed with getting to heaven? He heard it was a pair of dice.
    Courtesy of my 8 year old. I'm a bad parent.
  4. The Grim Reaper appeared beside me when I was chopping some carrots in the kitchen. He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me....
    Very scary, when you are dicing with death.
  5. Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
    The Bartender says, "Hey, Rene, you want a scotch?" Descartes replies, "No, I think not."
    And then he vanishes.
    No dice.
  6. I'm sick and tired of EA's microtransaction on Battlefront 2. An old habit never DICE, I guess.
  7. Universe's odds of existing? Near impossible. Humanity's odds of existing? Near impossible. My chances at a relationship? Well... I make the other odds look like a 1 in 6 roll on loaded dice.
  8. What do the members of Coldplay use to play board games? A pair o', pair o', pair o' dice.
  9. I have a strong personality Whenever I want to go drinking I throw a dice, if I don't throw 6 I can't go.
    Yesterdaynight I had to throw 8 times before I could go.
  10. Did you hear about the guy who was pelted to death by dice? Yeah, the police reports state that he died to death.

Share These Dice Jokes With Friends

Dice One Liners

Which dice one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dice? I can suggest the ones about drops and cards.

  1. Our goal was to play D&D all day today but... No dice.
  2. What's gambling like in heaven? It's a pair-a-dice.
  3. I entered a contest to win a set of really nice vegetable knives ...but no dice.
  4. Why did the gambler think he was in heaven? He found his pair a' dice!
  5. What do you use to gamble on vacation? Pair-a-dice!
  6. Tommy bought a pack of 3 dice. He got rid of one. Why? Because he wanted 2 die.
  7. Pre-2000s, gender was like flipping a coin. Now it's like rolling a DnD dice.
  8. What is the name of that casino on the beach? Pair-a-dice.
  9. COD Rolled the Dice but Battlefield 1
  10. Just bought a bunch of dice but they only have odd numbers I literally can't even
  11. I was hoping my crazy puppy would calm down when he got neutered. No dice.
  12. I wanted win some money playing Craps at the casino But no dice.
  13. I give my children 3 dice when they turn 7. I told them it builds character.
  14. There's no need for dice! When your role playing....
  15. What's the godfather's favorite dice game? Luca Yahtzee

Dice Rolling Jokes

Here is a list of funny dice rolling jokes and even better dice rolling puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I couldn't believe my local casino had a 'bring your own custom dice' night. I just rolled my eyes.
  • why should you never play boardgames with Coldplay? 'cause they'll never roll the PAIR'O PAIR'O PAIR'O DICE
  • Whenever Chuck Norris rolls a 6 sided dice, he always rolls a 7.
  • Chuck Norris once rolled a dice.
    It landed on tails.
  • If you're concerned about your new partner's s**... history, and you don't want to catch g**... warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps. So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

Andrew Dice Jokes

Here is a list of funny andrew dice jokes and even better andrew dice puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An Andrew Dice Clay-esqe bit There was an Old Lady who swallowed a fly. She made $50.
Dice joke, An Andrew Dice Clay-esqe bit

Dice joke, An Andrew Dice Clay-esqe bit

Cheerful Dice Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!

What funny jokes about dice you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ding jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dice pranks.

A lady goes to the store to buy a hook mount on a wall to hang her coat. She walks up to the counter with it but doesn't have a screw to mount it to the wall. The checkout guy says "do you want a screw for the hook? She answers ""No but I'll blow you for that toaster."
(A version of an old Andrew Dice Clay joke)

My first job ...

When I was 15 I came home one day very excited, walked up to my father and said, "Hey dad! I just got a job!"
To which my father replies, "Congratulations son! How much does it pay?"
Confused, I respond, "Well, she charged me 50 bucks... If they're going to start paying me... Then I might end up a workaholic!"
( I think this is a bastardization of an old Andrew Dice Clay bit... I'm sure it was funnier when said on stage).

Don't Invite Satan Over To Play Board Games...

...because last time I did it, he took the dice we used to play Monopoly.
Now I have a pair of dice lost.

Why is coolio always able to play craps?

He's got a g**...'s pair a dice.

What did Coldplay say when they were asked to run a craps table?

"We need a pair of... pair of... pair of dice."

Why should you be cautious when stepping on dominoes?

You're walking on thin dice.

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm n**...."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

Best joke in spanish off all time

Dos elefantes se están bañando uno le dice al otro, ¿tenes jabón? ¡No, radio!

The Bet

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely n**...."
They agree to her unusual request and she strips n**... from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams: "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.
For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: "What did she roll, anyway?"
The second dealer says: "I don't know. I thought *you* were watching."

What is h**...'s favourite dice game?


I came up with a new game:

Two players need a chessboard, a diamond ace, a dice, a bunch of bananas, two condoms and a set of kitchen knives. Players must improvise. After two hours, host opens an envelope with the rules, and players will find out which of them has lost the least.
I called this game "Life".

What does the suicidal gambling addict do in his spare time?

Dice at home.

What is a German's favorite dice game?


My friend made a cube in woodworking class today

I told him to put some dots on it, but no dice.

The die is cast

h**... took a stroll in one of the concentration camps and he saw some Jews playing around with dice.
He came up to them saying : "if you roll a number from 1 to 5 you will die!
Jews : "And what if we roll a 6?"
h**... smiled : "You get to roll the die again"

My wife caught me cheating while we were playing monopoly

She dropped the dice and saw me f**... her sister

No tie, no entry

Guy decides to go to a swanky new nightclub. He gets to the door and the bouncer stops him. "You have to have a tie to get in".
Guy goes back to his car to see if he has a tie laying around. No dice. So he takes his jumper cables and ties them around his neck.
Goes back to the door, bouncer looks him over, says "ok, you can go in, just don't start anything ".

My wife caught me cheating at Monopoly...

She dropped the dice and found me f**... her sister.

Guy prays hard to God asking to win the lottery.

Guy prays hard to God asking to win the lottery. A week goes by but he doesn't win. The next week, he prays again even harder asking God to help him win the lottery. No dice again though. For a third time, he pulls out all the stops and prays SO d**... HAAAARRDD to win the lottery, but again is rebuffed by God's will.
Guy asks God in his next prayer why he wouldn't help him win the lottery, despite his extremely swole supplication.
God responds to him saying, "Maybe help me out a little here and buy a d**... ticket!"

Dice joke, Guy prays hard to God asking to win the lottery.

jokes about dice