The Best 49 Diamonds Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Diamonds jokes. There are some diamonds karat jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these diamonds neil diamond puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Diamonds Jokes and Puns

What do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship?

Carbon dating

Another Tom Swifty

"I have only diamonds, clubs, and spades," said Tom heartlessly.


Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...

'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'

Women can't say no to three things;

Shoes, bags, chocolate, diamonds, clothes, perfume, food, flowers, money, cosmetics, attention, romance, kindness, adventure, affection, unpredictability, confidence, humor, ice cream, shopping, free drinks..

What do you call a line of diamonds on fire?

Hotline Bling.

The only thing harder than diamonds

a redneck at his family reunion

Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds

John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player

Diamonds joke, Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds

It's my wife's birthday soon.

She said she wanted something with diamonds so I got her a deck of cards.

Marriage is like a game of cards

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

Later on, it's a club and a spade.

A son asks his mom...

-Mom, why is my cousin named Diamond?

-Because Aunt Carol Loves Diamonds

-What about me?

-Enough questions Harambe

A young boy asks him mum why his cousin is named Diamond...

His mother replies "because your auntie loves Diamonds"

He replies "what about me?"

She responds "enough question Richard"

You can explore diamonds gold reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean diamonds jeweller dad jokes. There are also diamonds puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

"Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds"

John Lennon - World's Worst Cluedo Player.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.

Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.

The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."

St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."

How can Euchre and Marriage be similar?

Sometimes you start out all hearts and diamonds, but end up wishing you had a club and a spade.

Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond?

Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds

Kid: well what about my name?

Mother: never mind about that Richard.

Diamonds joke, Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond?

Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She will love this pack of playing cards.

Why does a rabbit like diamonds?

Because they are measured in carrots.

TIL that a recently discovered diamond pit in Argentina is so large, that the value of diamonds is expected to drop tenfold in the next four years

April Fools

'American Police' playing cards.

I bought a deck of 'American Police' playing cards yesterday.

There's no hearts or diamonds in it. Just one spade and fifty one clubs.

At a Chinese restaurant

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck

If minecraft taught me one thing...

It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.

Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more"

Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*

Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

Creating diamonds in a pressure cooker is awesome and it's really...

... pretty coal.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds

Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

Diamonds joke, Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds

How the programmer got divorced

Programmer: Honey, Imma buy you diamonds for our anniversary

Wife: Oh honey! Nothing would please me more.

He got her nothing instead.

They say pressure makes diamonds.

But taking what annoys you, wrapping it up in gunk, polishing it until it looks pretty and then ignoring it makes pearls.

Yo mama so fat,

When she sat on graphite, she turned it into diamonds!

Why are dicks like Diamonds?

Massive oversupply with artificial market restrictions in place. Everyone who has one thinks they are unique, and if one is in your hand you're expected to mention its size,

and fake ones are often just as good

My jokes are like diamonds.

The demand for them is manipulated by a cartel to create artificial scarcity and drive up profit margins.

A relationship is like playing cards

First you have hearts and diamonds then at the end is clubs and spades


Could you gift me couple of diamonds, for our anniversary, girlfriend asked.

I gifted her a pack of playing cards.

People like to point out that the title of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" sounds like the substance that probably inspired the song...

...and sometimes I wonder the same thing about the title of the movie The Dark Crystal.

A robber walks into a gas station and demands the clerk fill his bag with diamonds

"Sorry sir, all we have are these Juuls."

I like my men like I like my diamonds

Perfectly cut and hard as a rock

Minecraft taught us all a valuable lesson

Never spend diamonds on a hoe

What is true in both Minecraft and real life.

Never waste diamonds on a hoe.

What do you call an egg made of gold and diamonds?


Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He's the one that orca-strated the heist!

If there's one thing minecraft has taught us

It's that you don't waste diamonds on a hoe

Going to hospital

As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I ask coyly.

"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow.

Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday present.

Oh, I don't know, she said. Just give me something with diamonds.

That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

You know something?

Minecraft taught me a valuable life lesson...

Never spend your diamonds on a hoe

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You're over-thinking this, let's just keep it low-key

If the government finds diamonds in your backyard it's theirs...

... but if they find drugs, then it's yours?

Why Do Most Diamonds Look So Similar?

They're all just carbon copies of each other.

How does a man keep his youth?

By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the diamonds bracelets jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working diamonds earring piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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