Diamond Jokes
135 diamond jokes and hilarious diamond puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about diamond that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a little sparkle in your life? Look no further than these hilarious diamond jokes! From the bling of a diamond wedding ring to the diamond art of a painting, these jokes are sure to provide plenty of laughs. Whether you're looking for jokes about a diamond's name, a shamrock for an engagement, or a diamond bracelet for a jubilee, you're sure to find some diamond up your sleeve!
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Funniest Diamond Short Jokes
Short diamond jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The diamond humour may include short stone jokes also.
- My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
- I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings." So I got her nothing
- Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more" Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*
- My girlfriends birthday is in a week and she said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!" So I got her nothing
- My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace" So I got her nothing.
- Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner? Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.
- I bought a diamond ring on St. Patricks day but found out it was a fake They gave me a sham rock
- Bought my wife a beautiful big diamond ring. She asked, "Why didn't you buy me a new car ?"
I told her, "They don't make fake cars." - I came up with a science joke... Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?
They have a big carbon footprint... - neil diamond........ Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.
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Diamond One Liners
Which diamond one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with diamond? I can suggest the ones about silver and golden.
- Just got a diamond ring for my girlfriend Fair trade if you ask me
- I bought a volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay... Swede car online!
- If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock... he turns into Neil Diamond.
- Why Do Most Diamonds Look So Similar? They're all just carbon copies of each other.
- What do you call a fake Irish diamond? A shamrock.
- Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player
- I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays. He's got sweet carol lines.
- Why is it so cheap to buy 12 rhombuses? Because they're a diamond dozen
- What's the easiest way to cut a diamond's value in half? Buy it.
- Why was the diamond depressed? He had been under a lot of pressure lately.
- What do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship? Carbon dating
- Why did the diamond turn green? Because it was jaded
- How does a man keep his youth? By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
- Why does a rabbit like diamonds? Because they are measured in carrots.
- Why was the little boy crying at the diamond store? He went to Jared
Diamond Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny diamond up jokes and even better diamond up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.
- My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday So I took her to a baseball game
- My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked. There was a diamond in the ruff.
- Before he died, my grandfather's last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond. That's a lot of pressure.
- A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and then his wife didn't speak to him for 6 months. It was part of the deal
- Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me. now if i were a diamond ring, where would i hide ...
- A lesbian couple gets married and decides to only get 1 diamond ring between them Two birds, one stone
- My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond There's a lot of pressure
- If the government finds diamonds in your backyard it's theirs... ... but if they find drugs, then it's yours?
- Did you know that Neal Diamond's birth name was Neal Coal? It was the pressure that made him into the singer he became.
Diamond Ring Jokes
Here is a list of funny diamond ring jokes and even better diamond ring puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- what a dream!! Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill." - I don't know why she freaked out after I gave her a gift on our second date. I really spent a lot of money on that diamond ring.
- I was thinking of getting my girlfriend a 24 carat diamond ring But when I tried it at the jewelry store it didn't taste like carats at all, let alone 24 of them
- Gave my wife a diamond ring, now she isn't speaking to me. Because those were the terms of our agreement.
- These dishwashers are getting too expensive my new one even demands a diamond ring
Diamond Name Jokes
Here is a list of funny diamond name jokes and even better diamond name puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A son asks his mom... -Mom, why is my cousin named Diamond?
-Because Aunt Carol Loves Diamonds
-What about me?
-Enough questions Harambe - I have a now famous relative I have a now famous relative named Neil Coal who works in music. Back in 2003 he was under pressure to release his first album.
You might know him as Niel Diamond. - Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond? Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds
Kid: well what about my name?
Mother: never mind about that Richard. - Ever notice how strippers' last names are always things they can't afford? Like Katie Diamond, or Sugar Health-Insurance
- Naughty Mom! Son- Mom..
Mom- yes... :-)
S- Y my cousin named diamond ?
M- Coz ur aunt loves diamond.
S- And what about me ?
M- enough questions Dicky..!! - It's weird how people from the ghetto name their kids things they don't have or can't afford. Mercedes, Crystal, Lexus, Diamond, Ruby, Love, Harmony, Hope...
- Black people name their kids after things they will never have. Mercedes
Bentley
Diamond
Hope
Neil Diamond Jokes
Here is a list of funny neil diamond jokes and even better neil diamond puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal." "Until the pressure got to him."
- Why is Neil Diamond always late to Zoom meetings? He's forever in BlueJeans, yeah!
Unearthly Funniest Diamond Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about diamond you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gold digging jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make diamond pranks.
A young bride and groom to be
A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.
A man knows his marraige is on the rocks and wants to buy a grand gift for his wife...
He offers to buy her a Ferrari but she says no, he offers to get her a massive diamond ring but she declines, he asks her if she wants a huge yacht but she again turns him down. Exasperated, he says 'well what *do* you want?' to which she replies 'a divorce!', the guy goes deathly pale and whimpers 'I wasn't planning on spending *that* much'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A notorious card sharp was found dead last night.
He'd been clubbed on the heart with a diamond s**....
So I just saw this really interesting documentary on monkeys. You should all watch it.
It's called Blood Diamond.
People say musicians are gems
I used to think Simon and Garfunkel were real gems,
but then I about diamond and carbuncle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a s**..., a club, and a diamond, all without my permission.
I guess I'll deal with him later.
Dustin Diamond aka 'Screech' arrested for bar stabbing...
Will he be, '"Saved by the Bail"?
I don't get it: "In A Texas jewelry store: Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000."
What do you call a lump of coal and a diamond hanging out together?
Carbon Dating.
Why did the bar owner by a diamond mine get arrested?
He attributed to the delinquency of a miner.
A Gem Joke that Rocks
Diamond: Hey, Ruby, did you hear that I'm getting embedded into a statue next Tuesday?
Ruby: But we were going fishing on Tuesday! You sure you can't change the date?
Diamond: Sorry Ruby, it's set in stone.
Whats the difference between a diamond player and a master player in League of Legends?
About 1400 dollars
What plays in a diamond and eats box?
A softball player
Two pieces of coal and a diamond..
...are standing together and the bigger piece of coal says to the smaller piece of coal "Leave your dad alone - he's been under a lot of pressure"!
Two children pieces of graphite are playing with a diamond.....
...Mummy piece of graphite walks in and says "Leave your Father alone - he's been under a lot of pressure"
This holiday season, get your girl a Jared Diamond
...but get her Collapse--she's probably already read Guns, Germs, and Steel.
On the baseball diamond, I'm like a T-Rex.
I have a short arm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage is like a deck of cards
At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a s**...
(Can we bring back the good old Chuck Norris short jokes people?-I'll start first)
Chuck Norris is the first guy to have made a knot out of a diamond.
Wife's Birthday Gift
John: "It's my wife's birthday."
Peter: "What's your gift to her?"
John: "I asked her what she wanted."
Peter: "What did she say?"
John: "Anything, as long as there is a diamond."
Peter: "What did you give her?"
John: "Playing cards."
What happens when almonds die?
Diamond
What type of surgery would a diamond get if it didn't want to leave a big scar?
Mineral-ly invasive.
First Pitch or ...
One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats long, hard, and gets women excited?
A diamond encrusted submarine you freaking pervert.
A cop is walking down the street and notices
A cop is walking down the street and notices a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. Can I help you? he asked.
The blonde woman replied, I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it.
The cop asked, Did you drop it right here?
No, responded the blonde, I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here.
TIL that a recently discovered diamond pit in Argentina is so large, that the value of diamonds is expected to drop tenfold in the next four years
April Fools
What do you call it when a dog swallowed a diamond?
A diamond in the ruff!
Why does the Abominable Snowman always wear a diamond necklace?
Cause a yeti's cooler with ice.
I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.
A friend of mine said, I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?
She did, I replied, But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!
Getting a portrait painted.
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told
the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.
But you are not wearing any of those things, replied the artist.
I know, she said. It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.
A woman gets up in the morning
wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."
Your guy didn't know any puns about colourful, diamond patterned socks.
But argyle know some.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two gold diggers are sitting in a bar...
The women are scoping out the men looking for their next find when a man walks up to the bar next to then and takes out a diamond-covered wallet.
"Hello there, you seem like a kind and interesting person! I'm Jennifer", she says as she goes in for a handshake.
The man replies "Listen, I know how you women are and you just like me because of my diamond wallet!"
She leans over to him, "No darling! It's what's on the inside that counts!"
A businessman boarded a plane...
to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning, diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr Klopman."
Diamonds
Could you gift me couple of diamonds, for our anniversary, girlfriend asked.
I gifted her a pack of playing cards.
My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring
The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.
I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.
It was a sham rock.
Dustin Diamond walks into a bar
...and goes to jail for stabbing someone.
I came up with a new game:
Two players need a chessboard, a diamond ace, a dice, a bunch of bananas, two condoms and a set of kitchen knives. Players must improvise. After two hours, host opens an envelope with the rules, and players will find out which of them has lost the least.
I called this game "Life".
An Irish Proposal
An Irishman proposed to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick's Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.
He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick's Day, he picked her a sham-rock.
A popular flavored almond brand has started a new program to help those in need put gasoline their car
They're calling it Blue Diamond Fill-Ups
What kind of diamond did Ditka buy for his fiance?
Da Beers.
Why did the carbon boy turn into diamond?
Peer pressure at school
What did the diamond say to the coal?
"I've been under a lot of pressure lately."
When you want your Juul diamond encrusted where do you go ?
The Juulers of course.
My fat girlfriend wanted a diamond.
So I gave her some coal and told her to sit on it.
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, and dogs are man's best friend...
...then David Bowie is everyone's best friend.
Did you hear that Captain D's will soon be competing with the likes of Planters and Blue Diamond?
Coming soon... D's nuts.
My heart is like a diamond
Cold, hard and has it's value artificially inflated because of a few select individuals
A good deal...
Guy 1: I wish my wife stops talking for at least a few min.
Guy 2: I gifted my wife a diamond necklace and she didn't speak to be for 6 months.
Guy 1: What? How? Was it fake?
Guy 2: No. That was our deal !
Wife: I just had a dream that you bought me a diamond necklace.
Husband: go back to sleep and wear it.
There is one surefire way to get a beautiful game of baseball.
A well polished diamond.
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says: So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?
Bernie, she says. I want a divorce .
My goodness, he says. I wasn't planning on spending that much.
This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.
They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I'm in the bar next door to that place having a beer."
