The Best 74 Diamond Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Diamond jokes. There are some diamond coal jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these diamond neil diamond puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Diamond Jokes and Puns

Marriage.....

......... is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade

Why is it so cheap to buy 12 rhombuses?

Because they're a diamond dozen

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."

So I got her nothing

A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

jokes about diamond

The Meaning of dreams

One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "Maybe you'll find out tonight…," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:"The Meaning of Dreams."


An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day.

He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honour of St.Patrick's Day, ' he smiled.

'I gave you a sham rock.'

neil diamond........

Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.

Diamond joke, neil diamond........

A young bride and groom to be

A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.

A man knows his marraige is on the rocks and wants to buy a grand gift for his wife...

He offers to buy her a Ferrari but she says no, he offers to get her a massive diamond ring but she declines, he asks her if she wants a huge yacht but she again turns him down. Exasperated, he says 'well what *do* you want?' to which she replies 'a divorce!', the guy goes deathly pale and whimpers 'I wasn't planning on spending *that* much'.

My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday

So I took her to a baseball game

My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission.

I guess I'll deal with him later.

You can explore diamond bracelet reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean diamond carat dad jokes. There are also diamond puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What do you call a fake Irish diamond?

A shamrock.

Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner?

Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and then his wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.

It was part of the deal

Marriage is like a card game.

At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

Yo mama so fat...

her carbon footprint turned to diamond.

Diamond joke, Yo mama so fat...

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

My marriage is like a game of cards

It started out with two hearts and a diamond, now all I want is a club and a spade.

Marriage is like a deck of cards

At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.

By the end you just want a club and a spade


Wife's Birthday Gift

John: "It's my wife's birthday."

Peter: "What's your gift to her?"

John: "I asked her what she wanted."

Peter: "What did she say?"

John: "Anything, as long as there is a diamond."

Peter: "What did you give her?"

John: "Playing cards."

A son asks his mom...

-Mom, why is my cousin named Diamond?

-Because Aunt Carol Loves Diamonds

-What about me?

-Enough questions Harambe

How is a marriage similar to a deck of cards?

Starting off with 2 hearts and a diamond seems great but by the end all you want is a club and a spade.

My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked.

There was a diamond in the ruff.

First Pitch or ...

One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch."

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring".

So I bought her nothing.

"When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead?"

"Because I couldn't find a fake car."

Diamond joke, "When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead?"

The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change

In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

now if i were a diamond ring, where would i hide ...

Just got a diamond ring for my girlfriend

Fair trade if you ask me


A cop is walking down the street and notices

A cop is walking down the street and notices a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. Can I help you? he asked.

The blonde woman replied, I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it.

The cop asked, Did you drop it right here?

No, responded the blonde, I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here.

I came up with a science joke...

Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?

They have a big carbon footprint...

My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace"

So I got her nothing.

A marriage is a lot like a card game

In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.

A lesbian couple gets married and decides to only get 1 diamond ring between them

Two birds, one stone


My girlfriends birthday is in a week and she said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!"

So I got her nothing

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of mine said, I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?

She did, I replied, But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

When I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Christmas, she said "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace!"

So I bought her nothing....

Two gold diggers are sitting in a bar...

The women are scoping out the men looking for their next find when a man walks up to the bar next to then and takes out a diamond-covered wallet.

"Hello there, you seem like a kind and interesting person! I'm Jennifer", she says as she goes in for a handshake.

The man replies "Listen, I know how you women are and you just like me because of my diamond wallet!"

She leans over to him, "No darling! It's what's on the inside that counts!"

Marriage is like a card game. You start with two hearts and a diamond...

But in the end you need a club and a spade...

My girlfriend's birthday is in two days.

And she told me Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring .

So I bought her nothing and now she is mad at me for no reason

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.

I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

Marriage is like a deck of cards

You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a spade.

A good deal...

Guy 1: I wish my wife stops talking for at least a few min.

Guy 2: I gifted my wife a diamond necklace and she didn't speak to be for 6 months.

Guy 1: What? How? Was it fake?

Guy 2: No. That was our deal !

Just boughtο»Ώο»Ώο»Ώ a Volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay.....

Swede car onlineο»Ώο»Ώ

Before he died, my grandfather's last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That's a lot of pressure.

My wife said nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

Our dog accidentally swallowed my wife's wedding ring.

Now we have a diamond in the ruff.

I bought a volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay...

Swede car online!

I bought a used Volvo from Neil Diamond on Autotrader....

Swede car online.

Marriage is like a deck of cards...

At the start you need a heart and a diamond. At the end you need a club and a spade.

Against my wishes my son has gone and had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He's got sweet carol lines.

This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.

They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I'm in the bar next door to that place having a beer."

Why Do Most Diamonds Look So Similar?

They're all just carbon copies of each other.

A guy tells his friend, "I bought my wife a diamond ring."

"You told me she wanted a car," the friend replies.
"Yeah," says the first guy, "but where would I find a fake car?"

A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer. "Last night my wife woke me up to tell me that she dreamed that I bought her a big, expensive diamond ring for Valentine's Day, and she wondered if that dream meant anything." "What did you tell her?" the bartender asks. "I gave her a passionate kiss and told her she would find out tonight," the guy laughs as he pulls out a small, exquisitely wrapped package. "I got her a book, 'The Meaning of Dreams.'"

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

A wife woke up one morning after a long restful sleep......

She stretches, and turns to her husband and says, you know, I had the weirdest dream! I dreamt that you gave me a diamond necklace! What do you think my dream means?
The husband thoughtfully responds well, you'll know tonight!
Later that evening, the husband comes home with a tiny package for his wife. Here darling, for you! he says. Excited, the wife opens the package to see what it was.
She pulls out a book called Dream Interpretations and Meanings .

Marriage is like a poker: you start out with two Hearts and a Diamond, and you end up wanting a Club and a Spade.

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...

he turns into Neil Diamond.

Marriage is like playing cards

You start off with a heart and a diamond, and soon you're looking for a club and a spade

Bought my wife a beautiful big diamond ring.

She asked, "Why didn't you buy me a new car ?"

I told her, "They don't make fake cars."

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

Did you know that Neil Diamond used to be known as Neil Coal?

That was until the pressure got to him.

I told my wife that I will buy her a diamond necklace for her birthday

She said nothing will please her more

So I bought her nothing instead

It's my wife's birthday. This morning when she woke up, she told me that she dreamt that I got her a diamond necklace for her birthday, and asked if her dream could mean anything. I assured her that she'd find out later today.

She's gonna love the book I bought her about the meaning of dreams.

Why did the diamond turn green?

Because it was jaded

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

She replied, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."

So, I brought her nothing.

I bought a diamond ring on St. Patricks day but found out it was a fake

They gave me a sham rock

Marriage is like playing a card game.

In the beginning, two hearts and a diamond are more than enough.

By the end, though, you want a club and a spade.

I asked my wife what she wanted for our wedding anniversary.

She said nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

She lied.

My girlfriend said nothing would make her happier than a diamond ring for her birthday

So I got her nothing

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the diamond gem puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working diamond platinum piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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