Dial Up Jokes

101 dial up jokes and hilarious dial up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dial up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Short Dial Up Jokes
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Funniest Dial Up Short Jokes

Short dial up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dial up humour may include short dial jokes also.

Why can't a blonde dial 911? Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
Husband to wife: "I am impressed, you only talked to your friend on the phone for 20 minutes." Wife: "Oh, I dialed the wrong number"
My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach "Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said
"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"
A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911 - 911?
- Yes
- Well, now you're 910.
Hard to find good help nowadays A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Can I use your Dictaphone?"
He says, "No, dial with your finger like everyone else."
phone call Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, Hello? and I said, Hello, could I speak to Joey? … They said, Uh… I don't think so…he's only 2 months old. I said, I'll wait.
If a watchmaker uses Dial and a piano player uses Ivory and a Orange grower uses Zest... ...Does a Bull Fighter use Olay?
I dialed a wrong number It told me: "I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate by 90 degrees and try again."
police and public Caller: Dials in 911 Hello officer, I broke my arm in 3 places!
Officer: Then stop going to those places.
I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet... He sent me a large goat with a really long neck...Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama

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Dial Up One Liners

Which dial up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dial up? I can suggest the ones about internet connection and internet access.

Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number You answered the wrong phone
Why can't a blonde dial 911? Because she can't find the number 11
Why couldn't the blonde dial 911? She didn't know where the 11 was.
Girl, are you dial-up internet? Because you're really loud and annoying.
I put my Grandma on speed dial.. I call that Instagram
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You pick up the wrong phone.
What do solstices use to communicate? Sun-dial-up!
What do you call it when you have your grandmother on speed dial. Instagram
Common sense is like dial-up internet access It hasn't been used in years
The USA is number 1 when dialing internationally.
Why are alligators' Internet connections so slow? Because their modems are croco-dial up.
I like my women how I like my dial-up Internet Always going down on me...
Why can't the blonde dial 911? She couldn't find the 11.
What do you call it when you have your mom's mom on speed dial? Insta-gram
Why can't blondes dial 911? They can't find the number eleven on the phone.

Dial Up Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about dial up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean network down jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dial up pranks.

At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.
American : "In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1.
This will record the call and connect them with the police."
Russian : "In Russia we don't require that you dial anything."

There was this old woman who heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.”
She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company.
In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”
So the woman asked, “Is this a record?”
To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

Death Notice

An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a s**.... While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides that's a great idea and heads back home to dial the newspaper.
"Hi there, I'd like to place a death notice."
"OK then. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Now what would you like it to say?"
"Have it say, "Ruth died.""
"Well, um, that's, um, somewhat blunt, but the minimum charge is for five words. Is there anything else you'd like to add?"
"OK. Let me think, um... "Ruth died. Toyota for sale.""

Gambling Problem

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

Emergency Services

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal.
It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently, "Keep calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....

What do you call your grandma on speed dial?

Instragram!

Blonde Jokes

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? You pull the pin and throw it back!
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Tuesday.
Why can't a blonde dial 911? Because they can't find the 11.
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Now your turn!

A misunderstanding

A girl is driving down the highway listening to the radio when a song comes on that she really, really likes. The DJ says the name of that song was "Hot lips and tender kisses." The girl says to herself I've got to buy that record. She pulls over and looks up the phone number for the nearest record store. She dials the number but makes a mistake while dialing and instead of calling a record store she has called an auto mechanic. The phone rings and the mechanic picks up the phone. The girl says, excitedly, "Do you have hot lips and tender kisses?" The mechanic is a little confused, but responds, "No, but I've got hot pants and seven inches." The girl responds, "Is that a record?" The mechanic says, "No, but it's better than average."

Two men are hiking in the woods.

Suddenly, one of the them drops to the ground and doesn't appear to be breathing.
Luckily, the other man has his cell phone and dials 911.
"911! 911! My friend is dead! What should I do?" he asks.
"Slow down," the operator says. "Don't worry, okay? Now, let's make sure he's actually dead, okay?"
The operator hears silence, and then a sound like an axe hitting a watermelon. Then the man's voice comes back on the line.
"Okay, now what?"

An old Jewish couple is going to bed

The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

A islamic dial ripoff made a new type of hand soap.

Aloe Akbar.

Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...

When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.
In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"
"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard
"Okay, so now what?"

What does a German woman dial when a man won't take no for an answer

Nein! Nein! Nein!

Hi Operator, Can you connect me to Steph Curry?

Operator: Just dial 739
Guy: I did but there's no Ring

'' Hello, may I speak with Steph Curry? ''

'' Sure, dial 73-9 ''
''' I did, but there is no ring ''

Why can't a blonde dial 911

She can't find the eleven.
Not sure if someone already posted this joke but a friend told me so I had to post it.

Scandanavian b**...

What did the Norse goddess say to Thor when he drunk dialed her?
"I aint no Valhalla back girl."

What do you dial when calling the police in Argentina?

Nein Juan Juan.

Every time someone b**...-dials me, my wife gets really upset

Clearly she has a problem with bootie calls

The guy's first day at work.

He picks up the phone, dials the number and shouts:
"Get me one coffee and make it quick!"
The voice from phone says, "What do you want, do you know who you're talking to?"
"No I do not know."
"I'm the manager of this company, you idiot!"
"And do YOU know who are you talking to you imbecile??"
"No." the manager replies.
"Thank God!" The guy says, and hangs up.

An elderly lady dials 911.

"Help! Someone's stolen everything in my car," the lady says. "My radio, my windshield, my GPS, even my steering wheel!"
Shortly after, an officer walks up to the car and talks to his radio. "Disregard that last call," the officer said. "She just got in the back seat."

What is a s... b... worst nightmare?

Pocket dials

Two men are walking in the woods...

...all of a sudden, one of them collapses. The other man dials 911 and says, "Help! I think my friend is dead!" The operator responds, "Sir, calm down. First of all, we need to make sure he is dead." There is a minute of silence and a loud thud before the man responds, "Okay, now what?"

I put my Nan on speed dial

I call it Instagran.

I dropped my phone in a pitcher of beer this weekend...

Now it only drunk dials and does last call.

I put my grandmother on speed dial.

I call it instagram.

I told somebody my number was 5555555555!

Legend has it is that he's still dialing it to this day.

What do you call a reptile that ruins household appliances?

A crack-a-dial

Lady of my dreams

The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!!
She cried until she could cry no more because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month's paycheck to make up for her doubts and mistrust.
Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelery and gave him the money as well.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his mistress who listed under "Plumber John".

I wanted to video chat with the spiritual leader of tibet

I ended up looking at a tall sheep like animal, turns out I called Dial-a-Llama

I stepped on the scale today and I only weighted 150 lbs.

Not sure why the dial spun a full 360 before it stopped on 150 though.

I was staying at a fancy hotel....

...and it said in the Guest Services, "Dial *75 for Turn-Down Service". So, I dialed *75.
A woman answered the phone saying, "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on earth!"
It's nice that while I'm traveling, I can still get some things that remind me of home.

You should always keep a girl who likes n**... play on speed dial.

They're good in a pinch.

Why did the j**... keep accidentally calling his dealer?

Because he had him on speed dial.

Nobody, Nothing, and Crazy go on a boat.

Nobody, Nothing, and Crazy go on a boat. Nobody falls in the water. Nothing tells Crazy to call the police. Crazy quickly pulls out his phone and dials 911 and says: "Hi, I'm Crazy. I call for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water".

I dialed the r**... hotline

It turns out they only help victims

Harold and David are out hunting when David collapses and stops breathing.

Desperately Harold searches for a pulse but can't find one. He whips out his phone and dials 911 and blurts, 'My friend had just dropped dead! What should I do?' A soothing voice on the other end says, 'OK, OK. Just relax. First, let's make sure he really is dead.' After a brief silence the operator hears a shot ring out. Then Harold comes back to the phone. 'OK,' he says nervously, 'what do I do next?'

My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...

It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.

Two hunters were walking through the forest...

all of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says 911, whats your emergency? The hunter replies My friend just passed out and I don't know what to do! I think he might be dead! The emergency responder replies Before you do anything, make sure he is dead. The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says Ok, now what?

Sean Connery dials 911.....

Is this the polish.

What's the most awful p**... possible?

Dial-up through IP telephony

Q: Why don’t Oregon fans use 911 in an emergency?

A: Because they can’t find "eleven" on the phone dial.

I'm:
A - Lert
B - l**...
C - invisible muggers OUT side
should one dial 999 or have a 99 - with 1 FLAKE - in charge : ALERT : 2 flakes of snow IN Northernmost Scotland - me brother emigrated there from 1,OOO year harried Manchester WHO will secede to FREE Scotland hamstrung by OIL

Motu was dialing the number written on the note of 500.

Patlu: What are you doing? Motu: I am looking at Gandhiji, but who has got his mobile?

Motu: went to the STD booth and slapped 2 of the STDs.

The STD person asked, "Why did Mara" say Motu, "On the sign board in front is written" 2 "dial it."

ME: Dial 999. Police, please

POLICE: Police
ME: Hi. Two hooded men are robbing my shed.
POLICE: Sorry, we have no resources. There's nothing we can do.
ME: They are standing less than 1 metre apart.
POLICE: Keep them there - we'll be there in 5.

I put my grandma on speed dial the other day.

I call it insta-gram.

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!""No," replied the CEO indignantly."Good!" replied the trainee, and slams down the phone.

When I go to casinos, the most...

Two hunters.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says 911, whats your emergency? The hunter replies My friend just passed out and I don't know what to do! I think he might be dead! The emergency responder replies Before you do anything, make sure he is dead. The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says Ok, now what?

Recently, my husband put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall...

He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.
A few days later, he did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned, reaching for the phone.
"Why not tell her it was me this time?" I suggested.
"Maybe I will," he said while dialing. "It worked the last time."

A Blonde in a Fire

One day a blonde woman is in her house and she smells smoke then her fire detector goes off. She quick runs to the phone to dial 911. She explains to the dispatcher her situation. The dispatcher asked her how do we get there? The blonde replies in a big red truck, duh.

I accidentally dialed a s**... hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

Whats the best way to reach your m**... dealer?

Speed dial

A man goes into a casino and sees a sign that reads:

If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.
He thinks about it for a moment and then dials the number. When they answered he said, I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?

Chuck Norris . . .

. . . can b**...-dial a rotary phone.

Yo mama so fat

Yo mama so fat she b**... dialed me from a phone booth.

Someone b**... dialed me again yesterday.

It seems that only a**... want to speak to me.