Silly & Ridiculous Diagnosis Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
Astute Diagnosis
A guy goes to the doctor, with a carrot up his nose. He's got a piece of celery in his other nostril, and a banana in his ear. He says,"Doc, I don't feel so good."
The doctor says,"You're not eating right."
a man goes to a doctors office
to get a diagnosis from his previous checkup. the doctor says to the man "ok sir there is some bad news, we found 2 things wrong with you."
the man says "ok doc just hit me with 'em"
the doctor says "ok well, you have cancer"
*the man nods gravely
"and you have alzheimers disease"
the man then stands up smiling, happy as can be, and says "oh thanks doc, i thought you were going to tell me i had cancer!"
Diagnosis
Doctor: I've got your test results and some bad news.
You have cancer and Alzheimer's.
Man: Boy, am I lucky! I was afraid I had cancer!
An old man goes to the doctor's
An old man goes to the doctor's because he has been feeling bad lately. The doctor does some tests on him and tells him to come back the next day for the results.
The next day the man gets his diagnosis. The doctor says: "Sir, I have bad news for you. You have inoperable cancer. The tests have also shown that you have problems with your memory. It seems you have Alzheimer's."
The old man says: "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
A patient complained to his doctor...
"I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then you'll see that I was right."
What diagnosis did the veterinarian give to the dog with the funny walk?
The dog has cerebral pawlsy.
I went to my psychiatrist yesterday about some problems I have been having lately...
After testing me he said, "the diagnosis isn't good. You are crazy." I said,"well I want a second opinion." He said, "Oh yeah? You are ugly too."
I had a dark bump on my arm checked out at my ontologist...
I tried to get a diagnosis but instead he went on about reality and existence.
So I have half a joke about a guy,
Who is really shook up about his Parkinson's diagnosis...
But I just cant quite put my finger on the punchline.
A mailman, a boy, and a unicorn walk into a bar.
The woman gets a concussion, some stitches, and a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder.
You can explore diagnosis diagnose reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean diagnosis diagnostic dad jokes. There are also diagnosis puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man goes to the docter
Man: Well doctor, what's the diagnosis?
Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?
Man: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence!
So the test results are in.
It's bad news guys, the doctor says I'm colour blind.
Ill be honest with you, that diagnosis came totally out of the pink.
I just found out I'm colour blind
The diagnosis came completely out of the green.
(Courtesy of a family member)
What was a doctors diagnosis of the victims involved in a pet van c**...?
Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Chameleon
After Kanye was released from the hospital for exhaustion what was his diagnosis?
He had a Yeez-ynfection.
Got diagnosed with Kyohosis
The doctor diagnosed me with kyphosis. 85 degree curvature.
I had my suspicions for a while, but the diagnosis proved to me that it wasn't just a hunch.
the doctor told me I have depression..
I'm not happy with the diagnosis
a doctor prescribed "boredom procrastination" to his hypochondriac patients...
his diagnosis was a success.
Doctor: I have your diagnosis.
Patient: Can you tell me quickly? I don't have much time.
Doctor: Oh so you knew it already?
Patient: What?
Doctor: What?
I just found out I'm colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Went to the doctors office today, turns out I'm colorblind...
The diagnosis really came out of the green.
What diagnosis is a Doctor and an Astronomer likely to both guess ?
Probably gas.
A man goes to the psychiatrists wearing nothing but a layer of saran wrap.
When the man asked the Doctor to give him a diagnosis, the Doctor replied: "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."
I went to the doctor today. He told me I was colorblind.
I was devastated. That diagnosis really came out of the orange!
What diagnosis do you give a chamilliam when it can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction
What did the dentist diagnosis the red head with?
Gingervitis
A computer went to see the doctor.
The diagnosis was terminal.
Gandhi's diagnosis
Now Gandhi hardly ate a thing, his frame was rather frail
But then he'd eat the strangest foods, his breath was often stale
And he walked around barefoot, so this was his diagnosis:
Super calloused fragile mystic hexxed by halitosis.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office
He's wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "no need for a diagnosis, I can clearly see your nuts!"
Poor little Jonny didn't understand the diagnosis
So he asks his mom, "what did the doctor say I have, capricorn?" His mom replies "No s**..., Cancer, you have cancer!"
I just got diagnosed with color blindness.
I gotta say this diagnosis came out of the orange.
My son was born without any lower phalanges.
Diagnosis: Lack toes in toddler.
What's the diagnosis for an animal with a horn and a major drinking problem?
Rhino's Cirrhosis
I just found out I'm colourblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the green.
A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to the doctor's office.
The doctor takes blood and runs a few tests, takes a few other samples, and runs a few more tests. He finally finishes his diagnosis, and begins delivering the results.
"Sir," says the doctor, "I have good news, and bad news. Which would you like first?"
"Give me the good news, doc."
"Well, you're going to be famous!"
"Really? How's that?" Questions the man.
"They're going to name a disease after you!"
I just found out I was colour blind.
The diagnosis came out of the purple.
Doctors & patients role-play in bed with the wife last night didn't end well
Things took a turn for the worse when her diagnosis came back "clinically obese".
An obese woman goes to the doctor.
She explains to the Doctor that she has been very nauseas and vomiting, even more so in the morning. After many tests and examinations the doctor came to a conclusion, "It looks like you're pregnant." He told her.
The woman was very distraught with his diagnosis. "I'm pregnant?!" She shrieks.
"No, but it looks like you are."
Talking to my friend about his self diagnosis
Him: "It's scoliosis."
Me: "How do you know?"
Him: "I have a hunch."
My doctor gave me a formal diagnosis of narcissism today
That can't be right. I'm too important to be a narcissist.
Charlie Sheen just received an AA coin in relation to maintaining sobriety for a year
Next to his h**... diagnosis, this may be the second most positive experience of his life.
Two more
I mean... Ι appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I've heard so many cancer jokes today, that if I get to hear just tumor I'll really get mad.
What did the dog say to the podiatrist after the diagnosis?
Nothing... there was an uncomfortable paws.
Too soon
What is making a joke about Alex Tribek's cancer diagnosis?
What's the hardest thing about going to the doctor's office after a Alzheimer's diagnosis?
What's the hardest thing about going to the doctor's office after a Alzheimer's diagnosis?
Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Doctor to patient: I've got bad news & worse news...
Patient: Give me the bad first.
Dr: Ok. Your diagnosis told us you only have 48 hours to live.
P: Oh god! What could be worse news than that?
Dr: I've been trying to reach you since early yesterday morning.
I just found out I'm coluorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the mauve.
A man goes to the doctor...
A man goes to the doctor, feeling a bit under the weather. After running several lengthy tests, the doctor sits the man down.
Unfortunately, there are two diagnoses I have to give you. You have cancer, and are unlikely to live more than a year
That's unfortunate, replies the man.
As for the second diagnosis, you have Alzheimer's.
Well, replies the man, at least I don't have cancer.
My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...
He says my disease is untweetable...
While I was at the doctor, he walked in with my test results and said you're going to have to stop m**...!
I was so worried and I asked him why. He said, because I'm trying to give you your diagnosis !
I got really sick at the gate to my plane and a nearby doctor had to come over and check me out
He gave me a terminal diagnosis.
An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.
The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."
"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
"Fair enough, in that case tell me your star -sign." said the doctor.
The anti-vaxxer replied "My star sign is Cancer."
The doctor said "Well what a d**... coincidence..."
yesterday the doctor said i was color blind
the diagnosis came out of the purple
What did the fisherman do at the doctor's office after accidentally swallowing a bucket full of worms?
He waited on his diagnosis with baited breath
A man goes to a specialist
He's been to every doctor in his area, and none of them can figure out what's wrong with him. So eventually he goes to the preeminent specialist for what's bothering him to try to get a diagnosis. After several weeks of tests the doctor calls the man into his office and has him sit down.
"I have good news and bad new for you."
The man, happy to finally have *something* says, "Tell me the good news first."
The doctor says, "We're going to name it after you."
I went to see a psychiatrist today..
Told me I had a split personalty and charged me $80 for the diagnosis. I gave him $40 and told him to get the rest from the other guy,
A woman asks a psychiatrist what is wrong with her husband, who keeps saying over and over "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."
"Easy diagnosis", the doctor says. "He's too tense."
What diagnosis did the doctor give the nervous neckbeard?
A m'lady malady.
I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.
It's called insomnomnomnomnia.
