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Diagnosed Jokes

145 diagnosed jokes and hilarious diagnosed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about diagnosed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Been diagnosed with a severe case of the giggles? Get a good dose of laughter with jokes prescribed for all symptoms of the blues! Laugh and enjoy a smile as you read jokes specifically designed to bring joy and fun to everyone.

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Funniest Diagnosed Short Jokes

Short diagnosed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The diagnosed humour may include short diagnosis jokes also.

  1. TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag.
  2. Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
  3. Just been diagnosed with the dreaded 'Peek-a-Boo virus'...
    I'm being transferred to ICU.
  4. My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD. Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.
  5. I just got diagnosed with color blindness. I gotta say this diagnosis came out of the orange.
  6. I found out how vaccines cause autism, Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
  7. Cat with mental disorder The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
    She now have 45 lives.
  8. I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands. There is no cure.
  9. My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD. Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.
  10. A man diagnosed with cancer was given six months to live, but he worked hard and proved them wrong. He killed himself three hours later.

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Diagnosed One Liners

Which diagnosed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with diagnosed? I can suggest the ones about cured and suspected.

  1. I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness. It came out of the green.
  2. I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giant Feefiphobia…
  3. My doctor diagnosed me with "Autocorrect Syndrome" I didn't even know I was I'll.
  4. I was recently diagnosed with a fear of giants. Fee-fi-phobia.
  5. My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's. At least it isn't cancer.
  6. What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with? Meesathelioma.
  7. I was just diagnosed with colorblindness The result came completely out of the purple
  8. I've just been diagnosed as Colorblind.. I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.
  9. Robin hood went to see a doctor... ...he was diagnosed with Menintightis.
  10. I was diagnosed with color blindness the other day. It really came out of the purple.
  11. My doctor diagnosed me with Onomatopoeia.... It's exactly what it sounds like.
  12. I've recently been diagnosed as delusional.
  13. Who was the first man diagnosed with erectile dysfunction? Cain.
    He wasn't Abel.
  14. Chuck Norris diagnosed with Covid-19 Coronavirus now in quarantine for 14 days
  15. I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation. I'm scared shitless.

Diagnosed With Jokes

Here is a list of funny diagnosed with jokes and even better diagnosed with puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure. He prescribed two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.
  • Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction. It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.
  • I have a cross eyed friend who just got diagnosed with depression. Makes sense because he never looks forward to anything.
  • my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia.. was really worried until i remembered i dont have a psychiatrist lol
  • Did you ever get two pieces of shocking news at once? I just found out my sister was diagnosed with testicular cancer.
  • My chameleon couldn't change colors, so I took him to the vet… Poor guy was diagnosed with ereptile dysfunction.
  • My cross-eyed friend was just diagnosed with depression. I'm not surprised - he never looks forward to anything.
  • I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building. Hope it's not terminal.
  • I was diagnosed with insomnia and it's made me quite sad. But ok the upside, only three more sleeps until Christmas!
  • I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder... ....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

Diagnosed Schizophrenia Jokes

Here is a list of funny diagnosed schizophrenia jokes and even better diagnosed schizophrenia puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD. I hear voices, but not for long enough to drive me insane.
  • I'm an armchair psychologist Yesterday I diagnosed a Lazyboy with schizophrenia
  • My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia. But the good news is I started seeing someone.
  • My friend's a police detective and has been diagnosed with severe schizophrenia. He first realized there was a problem... ...when he started to question himself...
  • When I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia, I was devastated. I guess that's what happens when the voices tell you to jump under a dump truck.
  • My psychiatrist told me that I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Or did he?
Diagnosed joke, My psychiatrist told me that I was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Diagnosed Autism Jokes

Here is a list of funny diagnosed autism jokes and even better diagnosed autism puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was just told I've been diagnosed with autism I'm not sure how to react to that
  • My doctor just diagnosed me with autism I don't know whether to laugh or cry
  • Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3
Diagnosed joke, Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about diagnosed can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of diagnosed puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Gather Around for Fun Diagnosed Jokes and Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about diagnosed you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean certified jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make diagnosed prank.

I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia...

...I fear the Wurst.

OCD

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were
looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.
All from the same person.

My grandma died after eating too many gingerbread houses last night...

The doctors diagnosed her with a rare case of "munch-housing-syndrom"

When the doctors diagnosed me with leprosy...

...I laughed my head off.

My grandpa was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease....

which is good because he likes to meet new people.

A psychiatrist diagnosed me with kleptomania.

Now I'm taking things for it.

Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.

A penguin takes his car to a garage.

The mechanic tells him it will take about an hour to diagnose the problem. So, the penguin decides to go next door to the ice cream shop for a treat while he waits.
He returns about an hour later and the mechanic tells him. "It looks like you've blown a seal."
The penguin wipes his beak and says, "I did not. I was eating ice cream."

A doctor diagnosed me with...

... Paranoid Schizophrenia.
But he's just out to get me. So are you.
... Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Which means I am AWESOME!
... Multiple Personality Disorder.
But we don't believe him.
... Expressive Aphasia.
Cheddar concrete levitates archetypal moonbeams.
... Dementia.
But I maintain full cognitive... Um. What was the question?

A man diagnosed with t**... cancer...

A man diagnosed with t**... cancer tells his family of the bad news, he starts:
"It pains me to say this..."

Diagnose

Doctor: Well, those results look bad...
Patient: How bad are they?
Doctor: It depends, how old are you?
Patient: I will be 24 soon.
Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.

Where do Jewish kids go when they are diagnosed with ADD?

Concentration camps

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness...

I was so surprised, it just came out of the green!

A Canadian version of Breaking Bad is in the works

It'll be one episode long. Walt is diagnosed with cancer and receives treatment.

I was recently diagnosed with mesothelioma

it's tough sometimes, but I'm doing asbestos I can.

If 2 vegans are having an argument....

True life story.
Patient: Can I tell you a joke
Me: Sure.
Patient: If 2 vegans are having an argument, is there still beef between them?
No eating disorders were harmed or diagnosed in the course of this joke.

I was diagnosed with colour blindness yesterday.

The news came out of the purple.

My friends' girlfriend gets diagnosed with cancer..

He proposed to her on the spot. See ladies, it's not that men can't be spontaneous and romantic, we just don't like long term commitment

My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.

That came out of nowhere.

The day after I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I lost my calendar.

My life has been pretty uneventful since.

I got a call from my brother the other day...

I found out he was diagnosed with an intense fear of wanting to have s**... with other men; Homonymphobia. Which really freaked me out because I have a fear of words that sound the same but mean different things.

I'm bummed out because i was just diagnosed with alzheimer's

at least I don't have alzheimer's

My pops favourite joke.

An old man starts to lose his hearing, and goes to the doctors to be diagnosed.
The doctor says to the man, "can you describe to me the symptoms?"
The man replied "yes, Marge has tall blue hair and Homer is an alcoholic."

I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's seven years ago

But it feels like it was just yesterday

My doctor diagnosed me as a delusional.

I was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Cancer

The cancer s**..., but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!
Wait
No
I do
I can feel the edges of my mind unraveling; each piece, once so firmly put together, slowly falling away from my grasp. To know that the mind, the seat of who you are, can simply... disintegrate, like a mighty sandcastle in the tide...
Well, at least I don't have cancer.

My doctor diagnosed me with paranoia yesterday

Well that's not what he said, but I could tell he was thinking it

I was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year

Which is great, I can finally make cancer jokes without feeling bad about it

My wife went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with the broken-vacuum-cleaner syndrome

It means that they make a ton of noise and don't s**... anymore.

A penguin's car breaks down

He brings it to his mechanic and the mechanic tells him it will take a while to diagnose the issue. It's a hot day out and so the penguin decides to go across the street to have an ice cream cone while he waits. He then returns to the mechanic's shop and his mechanic says "well, it looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replies "oh no, this is just ice cream"

When my granddad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I can still remember the very first thing I said to him.

Have you got that five grand I lent you?

A woman tells her husband she was diagnosed with cancer.

Her husband tells he's very sad and sorry for her. Once they get to bed, the wife asks:
'Honey, when I'll be... dead, will you marry someone else?' The husband thinks for a while. 'No.'
'Why not? Don't you like being married?' 'If you want me to, then yes.' 'Will she sleep in my part of the bed?' she asks mournfully. 'I guess she will.' answers the husband. 'Will you replace all my photos?' 'Of course not, I'll keep the ones I love most.' 'Will she drive my car?' 'No, she doesn't have a driver's licence.'

"Hey bro, so I just got diagnosed with a dairy allergy."

"No whey, man."

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

I have recently been diagnosed with colorblindness

That really came out of the purple

I just got diagnosed as colour blind!

I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!

Doctor knows best.

Doctor : you have been diagnosed with obesity
Me : I know it runs in the family
Doctor : nobody runs in your family.

A guy went to the doctors and asks the doctor to diagnose his problem. The doctor said you have to quit m**......why asks the man

So I can tell you whats wrong with you, says the doctor.

I'm a hypochondriac...

Well, self-diagnosed.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.
Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...
Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure.

He's given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

Eminem Coronavirus joke

Apparently, Eminem is rumored to be diagnosed with Coronavirus
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with v**... on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti

My doctor recently diagnosed me with Alzheimer's

Luckily I was able to go home and forget about it.

I thought everything in my life was hard...

And then I was diagnosed with Erectile Dysfunction

My mother used to say, "If it wouldn't matter after 5 years, don't worry about it."

Apparently, that's not a very good thing to say to someone recently diagnosed with cancer.

What did the doctor diagnose?

A man went to the doctor and said that he wanted to commit s**....
The doctor, visibly surprised, asked, "why?"
The man said, "When I touch my finger to my body, it hurts. When I touch it to my head, it hurts. When I touch to my feet it hurts. What will I do living with so much pain?"
After a lot of investigation, the doctor diagnosed, that the man actually had a fractured finger.

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said I have some sad news.

Tell me, old friend said the faithful Tonto.
Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer
Bad spirits, replied his old companion.
The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?
Chemo, sabe
Ps this is my first joke post ever so I hope I did it right.

This n**... man walks into a psychiatrist's office ...

He is n**... except that he is completely wrapped in head to toe with cellophane. He says, "First impression, doc, am I crazy?"
The doctor says, "Well, normally I don't like making rash diagnoses but in this case it is sooo obvious. Everyone in my entire office can see your nuts."

The Rock and his family just got diagnosed with Covid-19

No one at his home can smell what he's cooking tonight.

A man goes to the doctor...

A man goes to the doctor, feeling a bit under the weather. After running several lengthy tests, the doctor sits the man down.
Unfortunately, there are two diagnoses I have to give you. You have cancer, and are unlikely to live more than a year
That's unfortunate, replies the man.
As for the second diagnosis, you have Alzheimer's.
Well, replies the man, at least I don't have cancer.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with v**... on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

Diagnosed joke, Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these diagnosed jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.