Diagnosed With Jokes
136 diagnosed with jokes and hilarious diagnosed with puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about diagnosed with that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Diagnosed With Short Jokes
Short diagnosed with jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The diagnosed with humour may include short medical condition jokes also.
- TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed. It's called gluten tag.
- Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
- Just been diagnosed with the dreaded 'Peek-a-Boo virus'...
I'm being transferred to ICU. - My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD. Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.
- I found out how vaccines cause autism, Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
- Cat with mental disorder The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
She now have 45 lives. - I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands. There is no cure.
- My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD. Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.
- A man diagnosed with cancer was given six months to live, but he worked hard and proved them wrong. He killed himself three hours later.
- My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure. He prescribed two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.
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Diagnosed With One Liners
Which diagnosed with one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with diagnosed with? I can suggest the ones about symptoms and disease.
- I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giant… Feefiphobia…
- My doctor diagnosed me with "Autocorrect Syndrome" I didn't even know I was I'll.
- What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with? Meesathelioma.
- Robin hood went to see a doctor... ...he was diagnosed with Menintightis.
- My doctor diagnosed me with Onomatopoeia.... It's exactly what it sounds like.
- I've recently been diagnosed as delusional.
- Who was the first man diagnosed with erectile dysfunction? Cain.
He wasn't Abel. - I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation. I'm scared shitless.
- I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's seven years ago But it feels like it was just yesterday
- When the doctors diagnosed me with leprosy... ...I laughed my head off.
- "Hey bro, so I just got diagnosed with a dairy allergy." "No whey, man."
- I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia... ...I fear the Wurst.
- I got diagnosed with tourettes today guess it's time to tic that off my to-do list.
- My doctor diagnosed me as a delusional.
- What did the Redhead get diagnosed with at the Dentist? Gingervitus
Diagnosed With Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about diagnosed with you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean diabetes jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make diagnosed with pranks.
In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said I have some sad news.
Tell me, old friend said the faithful Tonto.
Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer
Bad spirits, replied his old companion.
The lone ranger look off into the distance for a minute. After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?
Chemo, sabe
Ps this is my first joke post ever so I hope I did it right.
My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...
Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.
Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...
Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...
A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.
On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a call from my brother the other day...
I found out he was diagnosed with an intense fear of wanting to have s**... with other men; Homonymphobia. Which really freaked me out because I have a fear of words that sound the same but mean different things.
Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.
It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with the broken-vacuum-cleaner syndrome
It means that they make a ton of noise and don't s**... anymore.
I have a cross eyed friend who just got diagnosed with depression.
Makes sense because he never looks forward to anything.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with v**... on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.
A woman tells her husband she was diagnosed with cancer.
Her husband tells he's very sad and sorry for her. Once they get to bed, the wife asks:
'Honey, when I'll be... dead, will you marry someone else?' The husband thinks for a while. 'No.'
'Why not? Don't you like being married?' 'If you want me to, then yes.' 'Will she sleep in my part of the bed?' she asks mournfully. 'I guess she will.' answers the husband. 'Will you replace all my photos?' 'Of course not, I'll keep the ones I love most.' 'Will she drive my car?' 'No, she doesn't have a driver's licence.'
Did you ever get two pieces of shocking news at once?
I just found out my sister was diagnosed with testicular cancer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife says to husband.
Wife: I can't believe it, first I am diagnosed with dyslexia.
Now I have tiny t**....
Husband: Tinnitus babe Tinnitus..
My chameleon couldn't change colors, so I took him to the vet…
Poor guy was diagnosed with ereptile dysfunction.
I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building.
Hope it's not terminal.
I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...
....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.
OCD
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were
looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
I was recently diagnosed with mesothelioma
it's tough sometimes, but I'm doing asbestos I can.
Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...
I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.
When my granddad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I can still remember the very first thing I said to him.
Have you got that five grand I lent you?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where do Jewish kids go when they are diagnosed with ADD?
Concentration camps
My grandpa was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease....
which is good because he likes to meet new people.
Fatherly advice
When I was a little boy I fell off my bike and scraped my knee. My dad ran to me picked me up and told me to "shake it off."
Years later while playing baseball I was hit with a wild pitch, my dad called out from the stands "Shake it off son."
Before going off to college my long time girlfriend dumped me. Of course just like everything else in life when I was hurt my dad with his infinite wisdom once again told me to "shake it off."
Due to all the years of his great fatherly advice I knew exactly what to say when he was diagnosed with parkinson's disease.
I was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year
Which is great, I can finally make cancer jokes without feeling bad about it
My friends' girlfriend gets diagnosed with cancer..
He proposed to her on the spot. See ladies, it's not that men can't be spontaneous and romantic, we just don't like long term commitment
The day after I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I lost my calendar.
My life has been pretty uneventful since.
I'm bummed out because i was just diagnosed with alzheimer's
at least I don't have alzheimer's
Doctor knows best.
Doctor : you have been diagnosed with obesity
Me : I know it runs in the family
Doctor : nobody runs in your family.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man diagnosed with t**... cancer...
A man diagnosed with t**... cancer tells his family of the bad news, he starts:
"It pains me to say this..."
It is with a heavy heart that I want to announce
That I've been diagnosed with Cardiomegaly.
A Canadian version of Breaking Bad is in the works
It'll be one episode long. Walt is diagnosed with cancer and receives treatment.
My mother used to say, "If it wouldn't matter after 5 years, don't worry about it."
Apparently, that's not a very good thing to say to someone recently diagnosed with cancer.
I thought everything in my life was hard...
And then I was diagnosed with Erectile Dysfunction
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Cancer
The cancer s**..., but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!
Wait
No
I do
I can feel the edges of my mind unraveling; each piece, once so firmly put together, slowly falling away from my grasp. To know that the mind, the seat of who you are, can simply... disintegrate, like a mighty sandcastle in the tide...
Well, at least I don't have cancer.
I walked into the psychiatrist office the other day with a penguin and an ice bear
Got diagnosed with being bipolar :(
What do you call two friends who have both been diagnosed with Mesothelioma?
Asbesties
The influencer was diagnosed with paranoia.
He believed nobody was following him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend told he's been diagnosed with h**..., and has to go for a retest to confirm the results.
I told him to stay positive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The p**...
A p**... is recently diagnosed with heart trouble but decides to go to "work" anyway.
She is approached by a potential customer and tells him, "It's gonna be 50 dollars, but I have to tell you, I have acute angina."
He replies, "Well I hope so, because your face is kind of ugly."
I was recently diagnosed with a fear of all things Italian...
My psychiatrist named it "atsalottaphobia."
I was just told I've been diagnosed with autism
I'm not sure how to react to that
My wife got diagnosed with Alzeihmers and Parkinsons last week.
I've been getting 8 wanks a day.
My friend told me that he was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder.
I bought him a snickers
Just been diagnosed with Swedish flat pack syndrome.
Sadly I have no IKEA what it means.
I've been diagnosed with paranoia today.
If you ask me, this is only supposed to give me a false sense of security.
A new study found that an overwhelming majority of architects are seeing psychiatrists
Most being diagnosed with an edifice complex.
A man was diagnosed with cancer.
Man: "Wow, Doc, how bad is it?"
Doctor: "Well, you're at the extreme end of stage 4 pancreatic cancer. You've only got about 3 months to live."
Man: "Oh no! Is there anything I can do?"
Doctor: "Well, I'd suggest moving to Arkansas and becoming a pig farmer."
Man: "Really? That would cure my cancer?"
Doctor: "Oh no, of course not. But it will be the longest three months of your life."
How did the cow feel after being diagnosed with breast cancer?
She was in udder disbelief.
[True] A while back I was diagnosed with a benign brain lesion. I was distraught. to make light of the situation...
You really have to have a good sense of tumor. Laughter is cancerous.
What happened to Chef Boyardee after he was diagnosed with a terminal illness?
*He pastaway.*
I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder,
I have mixed feelings about it.
I was diagnosed with aphantasia today.
I can't imagine how it's going to affect my life really.
2 years ago, this day, I was diagnosed with Amnesia. This is my story.
I've been diagnosed with Havana syndrome
Havana bad day.
Jimmy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
Jimmy says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. When I touch my knee it hurts! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
Jimmy was diagnosed with a broken index finger later that day.
A Italian chef was diagnosed with terminal illness a year ago...
He's about to pastaway
He cannoli do so much...
Herb was diagnosed with cancer.
It was a basil-cell carcinoma.
My grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Severe Dandruff...
He's been really flaky lately.
Agatha Christie
Agatha Christie would write one mystery novel after another without pause until her arms ached.
She was diagnosed with Marple tunnel syndrome.
My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...
The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said To Berk You Go Sis!
When I was a kid I was diagnosed with ADD
But I paid no attention
In the famous words of Bob Ross: There's no such thing as mistakes, only happy little accidents...
Unless your little accident is diagnosed with chronic depression.
A dyslexic boy walks into a toy store and asks for a "satr wars atcion figuer"...
The manager tells him that dyslexia does not cause you to talk in misspelled words and took the boy to hospital where he was diagnosed with a brain tumour.
OCD
My little cousin has been diagnosed with an unusual case of OCD where all he does all day is organise dinner plates by the year they were made,
It's an extremely rare dish-order........
I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.
Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.
I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You guys just buy into anything big pharma tells you don't you?
You guys just buy into anything big pharma tells you don't you? i'll have you know my son was diagnosed with the measles so I placed various crystals around his bed while he slept to promote the proper aura for healing.
He's dead now but at least he's not autistic
Remember that time when we were both diagnosed with Alzheimer's?
Me neither.