The Best 53 Diagnose Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Diagnose jokes. There are some diagnose hypochondria jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these diagnose identify puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Diagnose Jokes and Puns

I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building.

Hope it's not terminal.

I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia...

...I fear the Wurst.

I was just diagnosed with a severe lack of empathy.

But I'm gonna keep going strong! The last thing I will do is start feeling sorry for myself.

Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

jokes about diagnose

A penguin takes his car to a garage.

The mechanic tells him it will take about an hour to diagnose the problem. So, the penguin decides to go next door to the ice cream shop for a treat while he waits.

He returns about an hour later and the mechanic tells him. "It looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin wipes his beak and says, "I did not. I was eating ice cream."


Doctor: Well, those results look bad...
Patient: How bad are they?
Doctor: It depends, how old are you?
Patient: I will be 24 soon.
Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.

I was diagnosed with Tom Jones Syndrome yesterday.

I asked the doctor if it was a rare condition.

"It's not unusual".

Diagnose joke, I was diagnosed with Tom Jones Syndrome yesterday.

I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder,

I have mixed feelings about it.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness...

I was so surprised, it just came out of the green!

My ex was just diagnosed as a narcissist

Good to see I'm not the only one with low standards.

I was diagnosed with colour blindness yesterday.

The news came out of the purple.

You can explore diagnose analyze reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean diagnose fix dad jokes. There are also diagnose puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I've just been diagnosed as Colorblind..

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation.

I'm scared shitless.

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap...

Guy: doctor, I've been hearing voices. Can you help?

Doctor: I'll try to diagnose but I can clearly see your nuts

I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's seven years ago

But it feels like it was just yesterday

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands.

There is no cure.

Diagnose joke, I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands.

I was just diagnosed with tetanus

Guess I'm gettimg rusty in my old age

I was diagnosed with color blindness just an hour ago.

It came right out of the purple.

I was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year

Which is great, I can finally make cancer jokes without feeling bad about it

A penguin's car breaks down

He brings it to his mechanic and the mechanic tells him it will take a while to diagnose the issue. It's a hot day out and so the penguin decides to go across the street to have an ice cream cone while he waits. He then returns to the mechanic's shop and his mechanic says "well, it looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replies "oh no, this is just ice cream"

My car was making a really strange noise last night. I went online to diagnose it...

Turns out, my car has cancer.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness

The result came completely out of the purple

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants…


I have been diagnosed with Tom Jones Syndrome

It's not unusual.

I've just been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I can't remember a small amount of 80's music bands.

Unfortunately there is no cure.

I have been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

But don't worry, I'm taking something for it.

Diagnose joke, I have been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

Someone I know was diagnosed as a psychopath.

He doesn't know how to feel.

I just got diagnosed with color blindness.

I gotta say this diagnosis came out of the orange.

I just got diagnosed as colour blind!

I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!

A guy went to the doctors and asks the doctor to diagnose his problem. The doctor said you have to quit masturbating...why asks the man

So I can tell you whats wrong with you, says the doctor.

I was diagnosed with insomnia and it's made me quite sad.

But ok the upside, only three more sleeps until Christmas!

Eminem Coronavirus joke

Apparently, Eminem is rumored to be diagnosed with Coronavirus

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti

Patient: I keep having flashbacks to that one K-Pop concert.

Therapist: I see, I diagnose you with BTSD.

I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.

Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.

I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!

I've been diagnosed with paranoia today.

If you ask me, this is only supposed to give me a false sense of security.

I was trying to self diagnose my skin condition by using WebMD...

...then I thought, without professional advice its best not to make any rash decisions.

I've just been diagnosed as color blind

It really came out of the purple

What did the doctor diagnose?

A man went to the doctor and said that he wanted to commit suicide.

The doctor, visibly surprised, asked, "why?"

The man said, "When I touch my finger to my body, it hurts. When I touch it to my head, it hurts. When I touch to my feet it hurts. What will I do living with so much pain?"

After a lot of investigation, the doctor diagnosed, that the man actually had a fractured finger.

How many pathologists does it take to diagnose a malignancy?

10....because one less would benign.

I was diagnosed with aphantasia today.

I can't imagine how it's going to affect my life really.

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded 'Peek-a-Boo virus'...


I'm being transferred to ICU.

A doctor changes Careers.

A Gynecologist is tired of dealing with Insurance companies and decides to become an auto mechanic. He studies hard, and for the final, he needs to diagnose and rebuild an engine. He need an 80 to pass an become a certified Mechanic.

He takes test, and waits for his score.

He gets a 150 out 100. He calls the instructor to find out why he scored it that way.

The instructor says " Well you got 50 points for Diagnosing the issue correctly, 50 points for rebuilding the engine correctly, and 50 points for doing it all thru the exhaust manifold.

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

I was just diagnosed as colorblind

It seemed obvious to everyone else but I guess I never connect the dots.

A man goes to the doctor because his eye has been bothering him

As soon as he walks in the doctor takes one look at him and says "You have eye cancer."

The man is shocked and asks the doctor, "You are able to diagnose someone with eye cancer by just taking one look at them?!"

And the doctor slowly replies, "Eye cancer."

A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."

The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."

I've been diagnosed with Havana syndrome

Havana bad day.

I asked my dermatologist why she waits a month to diagnose a skin disorder

she replied she's reluctant to make a rash decision

I was diagnosed with color blindness the other day.

It really came out of the purple.

I complained about the temperature at work for a month...

And then one day a maintenance person showed me where the thermostat was and how to open it up, set temps, and diagnose basic issues... Told me not to set it below 70 for too long though or she'd lock me back out again. This work from home office staff is really rude.

I got diagnosed with tourettes today

guess it's time to tic that off my to-do list.

Just been diagnosed with Swedish flat pack syndrome.

Sadly I have no IKEA what it means.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the diagnose doc puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working diagnose abscess piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes