The Best 53 Diagnose Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Diagnose jokes. There are some diagnose hypochondria jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these diagnose identify puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Diagnose Jokes and Puns

I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building.

Hope it's not terminal.

I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia...

...I fear the Wurst.

Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

Diagnose joke, Computer diagnosis

A penguin takes his car to a garage.

The mechanic tells him it will take about an hour to diagnose the problem. So, the penguin decides to go next door to the ice cream shop for a treat while he waits.

He returns about an hour later and the mechanic tells him. "It looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin wipes his beak and says, "I did not. I was eating ice cream."


Doctor: Well, those results look bad...
Patient: How bad are they?
Doctor: It depends, how old are you?
Patient: I will be 24 soon.
Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.

I was diagnosed with Tom Jones Syndrome yesterday.

I asked the doctor if it was a rare condition.

"It's not unusual".

I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder,

I have mixed feelings about it.

Diagnose joke, I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder,

I've been diagnosed as a compulsive liar and hypochondriac.

And it's making me sick.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness...

I was so surprised, it just came out of the green!

My ex was just diagnosed as a narcissist

Good to see I'm not the only one with low standards.

I was diagnosed with colour blindness yesterday.

The news came out of the purple.

You can explore diagnose analyze reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean diagnose fix dad jokes. There are also diagnose puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What kind of cancer does an amnesiac oncologist diagnose?


What is the easiest condition to diagnose?

Hypochondria. If you think you have it, you are right.

I've just been diagnosed as Colorblind..

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation.

I'm scared shitless.

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap...

Guy: doctor, I've been hearing voices. Can you help?

Doctor: I'll try to diagnose but I can clearly see your nuts

Diagnose joke, Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap...

I just got diagnosed with the inability to feel emotions

Now I'm sad

Got diagnosed with Kyohosis

The doctor diagnosed me with kyphosis. 85 degree curvature.

I had my suspicions for a while, but the diagnosis proved to me that it wasn't just a hunch.

I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's seven years ago

But it feels like it was just yesterday

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands.

There is no cure.

I was just diagnosed with tetanus

Guess I'm gettimg rusty in my old age

My GF was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and a week later broke up with me.

She said she didn't know who I was anymore.

I was diagnosed with color blindness just an hour ago.

It came right out of the purple.

I was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year

Which is great, I can finally make cancer jokes without feeling bad about it

A penguin's car breaks down

He brings it to his mechanic and the mechanic tells him it will take a while to diagnose the issue. It's a hot day out and so the penguin decides to go across the street to have an ice cream cone while he waits. He then returns to the mechanic's shop and his mechanic says "well, it looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replies "oh no, this is just ice cream"

My car was making a really strange noise last night. I went online to diagnose it...

Turns out, my car has cancer.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness

The result came completely out of the purple

I've just been diagnosed with amnesia

It's awful, but at least I don't have amnesia!

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants…


I have been diagnosed with Tom Jones Syndrome

It's not unusual.

I've just been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I can't remember a small amount of 80's music bands.

Unfortunately there is no cure.

I have been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

But don't worry, I'm taking something for it.

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

Someone I know was diagnosed as a psychopath.

He doesn't know how to feel.

Got diagnosed with insomnia last week

And I'm fairly tired of it now at this stage

I was just diagnosed with protanopia

I was surprised because It came straight out of the purple

I just got diagnosed with color blindness.

I gotta say this diagnosis came out of the orange.

I just got diagnosed as colour blind!

I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!

A guy went to the doctors and asks the doctor to diagnose his problem. The doctor said you have to quit masturbating...why asks the man

So I can tell you whats wrong with you, says the doctor.

I was diagnosed with insomnia and it's made me quite sad.

But ok the upside, only three more sleeps until Christmas!

Eminem Coronavirus joke

Apparently, Eminem is rumored to be diagnosed with Coronavirus

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti

I just got diagnosed with dyslexia

I'm scared to get insulin shots, what should I do?

Patient: I keep having flashbacks to that one K-Pop concert.

Therapist: I see, I diagnose you with BTSD.

This is a self-help hospital. You diagnose and treat yourself.

We offer high speed WiFi.

I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.

Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.

I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!

I've been diagnosed with paranoia today.

If you ask me, this is only supposed to give me a false sense of security.

I was trying to self diagnose my skin condition by using WebMD...

...then I thought, without professional advice its best not to make any rash decisions.

I've just been diagnosed as color blind

It really came out of the purple

I got diagnosed as colorblind

Now i'm feeling purple

What did the doctor diagnose?

A man went to the doctor and said that he wanted to commit suicide.

The doctor, visibly surprised, asked, "why?"

The man said, "When I touch my finger to my body, it hurts. When I touch it to my head, it hurts. When I touch to my feet it hurts. What will I do living with so much pain?"

After a lot of investigation, the doctor diagnosed, that the man actually had a fractured finger.

How many pathologists does it take to diagnose a malignancy?

10....because one less would benign.

I was diagnosed with aphantasia today.

I can't imagine how it's going to affect my life really.

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded 'Peek-a-Boo virus'...

I'm being transferred to ICU.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the diagnose doc jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working diagnose abscess piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes