Devout Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

The Lost Bible

One day a devout preacher lost his favorite Bible while he was at a spiritual retreat in the mountains. He was devastated, and began to lose his faith. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him after church service, carrying the Bible in its mouth. The preacher couldn't believe his eyes.

He took the precious book out of the dog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the dog. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Sandra, a devout Catholic, got married and had 11 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 11 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Sandra also passed away.

At Sandra's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

Mafia florists

Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.

One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.

The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.

"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"

"Yes."

"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"

"I don't see why I would, boss."

Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,

"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

A devout Muslim entered a cab in London

He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio, because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, because in the time of the prophet there was no music especially western music, which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered,

"In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so get off and wait for a camel!"

Legs?

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

"At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks,

"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

Old man dies

In his funeral, the priest starts to speak and pays homage to the deceased: "He was a loving man, a devout Christian, a good husband, he raised two wonderful sons..."

The widow turns to her son and tells him discretly: "Go up there take a look at the coffin and make sure it's your dad."

3 Nuns die in a car crash...

...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask each of you a simple question before I can let you enter."

The sisters are somewhat surprised, a little nervous, but agree to answer St. Peter's questions.

"Sister Anne," he says, "who was the first man on earth?"

Sister Anne says "Oh that's an easy one, Adam!"

-GONG- The gates of heaven open up, and Sister Anne walks through.

"Sister Mary: who was the first woman on earth?"

Relieved, Sister Mary exclaims "Eve!"

-GONG- The gates open again, and Sister Mary enters, leaving only Sister Theresa behind.

"Sister Theresa...what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"

Sister Theresa pauses, the smile disappearing from her face. She realizes she can't think of the answer, despite her best efforts. Scratching her head in confusion and panic, she admits, "That's a really hard one."

-GONG-

Village Atheist

In a small village in the middle of the countryside, there is only one atheist. He sells insurance for a living. But, he grows old and one day gets really sick. On his death bed, he calls for the village priest, who is obviously a very devout catholic.

They talk for an entire day, and during the whole night too. The priest tries very hard to convert the atheist. Nobody is allowed in the room. At dawn, the priest stumbles out sleep-deprived and bleak faced.

The atheist died still an atheist, but the priest is fully insured.

The Devout Catholic Woman

Jennifer, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Jennifer also passed away.

At Jennifer's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or her second husband?"

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

A Priest Dies and Goes to Heaven...

A priest dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says to him, "Welcome to Heaven; for your devout service to God, we have your accommodations ready."

It was a one room shack. His neighbor, a cab driver, had a stately mansion.

Weeks go by, and the priest seeks out St. Peter again. "I don't mean to complain, but I don't understand why my living quarters are sparse, when compared to that of my neighbor."

"Oh, that's simple," said St. Peter. "You put your congregation to sleep with your sermons. The cabbie, on the other hand, made his passengers pray with his driving."

What does a devout catholic girl do when she gets spanked?

She turns the other cheek.

Crossword Puzzle Pope

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place to be today."

Just before the aircraft doors are closed the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him.

I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me.

The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.

The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.

The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything, your Eminence ... What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

Read carefully

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

Religious Cowboy

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a toad walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the toad's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the toad. "Your name is written inside the cover."

One day a devout, Christian man was walking through the forest...

...when he spotted a lion lurking towards him ready to pounce. So, he got on his knees and began to pray to God, "Please, Lord. Let this lion be a Christian lion, so that he will not eat me." The lion then got on his knees and prayed, "Thank you, God for providing me this dinner...

What did the devout catholic call her Converse?

Nun Chucks

Justin Timberlake was a devout christian during his N-Sync days.

He was always reading his Bye Bye Bible.

Inigo dies and ascends to heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, he meets Saint Peter.

St. Peter: Inigo Montoya, you are in the wrong place. You should go to Jannah, as you are a Muslim.

Inigo: St. Peter, I am a devout Christian. Why do you say I am a Muslim?

St. Peter: We have records of you always using you left hand to wash yourself after you do a No. 2.

Inigo bursts out laughing and St. Peter asks: Inigo, why are you laughing?

Inigo: Because I know something you don't know! I am not left-handed!

They're making a new Jason Bourne movie where he becomes a devout Christian...

It's called Jason Bourne Again

What's it called when a devout Catholic wants to have sex before marriage?

The Poophole Loophole

I honestly don't know how devout Muslims can follow all the rules of the Qur'an.

The one in our corner shop can't even follow the rule of 'Multi-pack: not to be sold separately.'

The flood is coming.

It was all over the news, "the flood is coming." Being the devout man he was, Johnny decided to wait until God sent him a sign before he evacuated.

The water came up to his doorstep and his neighbor paddled by with a canoe. "Get in!" his neighbor yelled. "No, I'm waiting for a sign from God," he replied.

And he waited.

The water came up to his second floor. Johnny got on his roof. The Coast Guard came by with a helicopter. Johnny refused to get in. "I'm waiting for a sign from God," he yelled.

Johnny drowns and goes to heaven. Upon meeting God, he asks God "why didn't you send me a sign!? I'm a devout guy, all I needed was a sign."

God replies, "I put it on the news, I sent a canoe and I sent a helicopter! What else do you want from me!?"

What are the funniest devout jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Devout? Well, here are the best Devout puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Devout pick up lines to share with friends.

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