Developer Jokes

I've developed a f**... for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

Did you guys hear about the C++ developer that wanted to become a famous actor?

He kept getting type cast.

Why do java developers always wear eyeglasses?

Because they dont C#

The guy who developed Fractals..

The guy who developed fractals was Benoit B Mandelbrot, I heard the 'B' stood for 'Benoit B Mandelbrot'

I just got a futuristic coffee maker.

It was a ground-breaking development.

The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

In the mid 1800s a primitive c**... was developed in New Zealand, made from a sheep intestine.

It wasn't until the early 1900s that it made it's way to Australia, where it was immediately improved by removing it from the sheep.

Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.
The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.
The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.
The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.

I've developed an app for dating children nearby. It's called Kinder.

I was always a home builder

but lately I've developed an apartment complex.

What's the difference between America and yoghurt?

If you leave yoghurt alone for long enough it develops its own culture

If I have an addiction to m**...

And I suddenly develop it into an addiction to s**..., does that mean my addiction is getting out of hand?

My friend told me he has developed a lung disease...

I told him to explain it to me asbestos he can.

About a week ago, my Girlfriend developed anorexia

Ever since then, I've been seeing less and less of her.

A new drug has been developed for l**... with depression.

It's called Trycoxagain.

I heard Apple is trying to develop a new car.

But they're having trouble installing windows.

A ship was sailing in the middle of the ocean....

A storm was developing in the distance. As the storm raged, the captain realised the ship was sinking fast.
He called out loud, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"
A man proudly raised his hand and came forward, "Aye Captain, I know how to pray."
The Captain replied, "Great, you keep praying while the rest of us put our life jackets on.......we are short of one!"

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

& they're like "How did your milkshake develop a gravitational pull that was gender specific?"

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U

But mid-way through development they made the switch.

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What's the difference between an Australian and a p**... of yogurt?

Leave a p**... of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

I went to the doctor after I swallowed a roll of film

He said we should wait and see if anything develops

Two aliens are flying near earth

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

Vaccinated kids are more likely to develop autism

The unvaccinated die before they get the chance

I watched so many programming tutorial videos in college

My inner monologue started developing an Indian accent

Personally I think removal of net neutrality will be great. It will offer our businesses new opportunities for development which will help the economy in the long run

In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

What's the difference between and Aussie and a Yoghurt?

If you leave a yoghurt out in the sun for 200 years, it will develop a culture.

I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.

I just took a Polaroid of a breaking news event!

More on this story as it develops

As get older, I've developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

Are people born with photographic memories,

or does it take time to develop?

A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.

"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".
"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.
Immediately the donkey started crying.
"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.
"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" the donkey bawled.

What's the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone it will eventually develop culture.

What's the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for a couple hundred years, it develops a culture.

I'm developing a new cologne for introverts

***Leave me the Fuh Cologne***

The band U2 recently developed a GPS...

It's terrible! The streets have no name, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future.

Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.

Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day,

Teach a man to fish and he'll develop an addiction to buying fishing supplies he'll use once every few months.

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.

He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"
The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning... only once! Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately!"
"Wow! Thanks for the tip, said the doctor."
Next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend, "Consulting charges for Business Development."

Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their b**... and not listening to them.

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

After years of research, scientists discovered bees are allergic to pollen

Turns out when exposed to pollen, bees develop hives

One alien says to another, The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.

The second alien replies, Are they an emerging intelligence?
The first alien says, I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.

How do you s**... a photographer?

Turn off the lights and see if anything develops.

I think I've developed a phobia of German sausages

I keep on fearing the wurst

Two pirates

Two pirates have just finished developing a machine with the ability to think and learn.
The first pirate says, "This is amazing! You should come up with a name for this."
The second pirate says, "AI, captain!"

I'm trying to get a photographic memory

But its still developing.

Why are jokes about game developers always so funny?

They work on so many levels

An SQL query walks into a bar.

Looking around, he sees a pair of tables. Going up to them, he asks, "Excuse me, but do you mind if I join you?"