Determined Jokes
104 determined jokes and hilarious determined puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about determined that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Determined Short Jokes
Short determined jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The determined humour may include short decides jokes also.
- How to determine the gender of your cat ? pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
- What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics? So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.
- In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson
- 39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom Scientists still can't determine how much is needed for your mother though
- What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19? Ask them who won the election.
- How do you determine the mass of a chilli pepper? You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
- The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless. He has been declared mentally unstable.
- You can determine the gender of an ant by throwing it in a puddle of water If it sinks it's a girl ant, but if it floats it's a boy ant
- What's the best way of determining who loves you more - your wife or your dog? Lock them both in your car, unlock it after 4 hours and see which one is happy to see you
- How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb? None: the light bulb must find $80,000 to become clear, then it will have the self-determination to change itself.
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Determined One Liners
Which determined one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with determined? I can suggest the ones about driven and designated.
- The Institute of Incomplete Studies (ISS) determined that 7 out of 10 people
- War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
- How do you determine who the best musician is? You compare their scores.
- What does a chemist use to determine how good a party is? Litness paper
- Why was the farmer so good at getting wool from his sheep? Sheer determination
- What do you call it when a cell is determined to produce ATP? Cellular Desperation
- Geneticist have determined diarrhea is genetic. It runs in your "jeans".
- How can we determine an anteater's diet? Inference.
- There is now a blood test to determine gender attraction. It checks homogloben levels.
- The internet has finally determined the true pronunciation of "GIF" It's "g" as in garage
- How do you determine a chromosome's gender? You take off its genes.
- What is a pirate's favorite method of determining molecular structure? N,M,AAAARRRRRRR
- Are you olive oil ? Then no, your worth is not determined by your virginity !
- A man walks into a bar... It is determined that he is blind.
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Laughable Determined Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about determined you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean convinced jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make determined pranks.
Not Pregnant
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having s**... with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
A question for your doctor
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor
How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?
Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger....
Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Now if you would be so kind as to proceed to bed no.39
Medical School Entrance Exam...
When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when e**...."
Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
When life starts
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
Entrance Exam
A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when e**...."
Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors.
The rest ended up in Congress.
The difference between a crow and a raven.
A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their habitat and logging hours of observations. Their beaks were the same, their feet and their bodies showed no variable difference. But, at last, a breakthrough. The long feathers at the tip of a birds wings, the pinion feathers, provided the conclusion that ravens and crows differ. A raven has four pinion feathers and a crow has five pinion feathers. So........................... The difference between ravens and crows is a matter of a pinion.
In a sports relay race, a chemical kinetics specialist runs slowly, and his group loses the race.
When the chemical kinetics specialist is asked why he ran slowly, his reply was Well, I always wanted to be the significant rate determining step .
A plane is going to c**......
The passengers on board know they only have a few minutes left to live and one woman stands up from her chair and calls out to everyone. "We're all going to die...but before we do, is there anyone on board who can make me feel like a woman?"
A young handsome man rises up from his seat with a look of strong determination and nods with certainty. "Of course, I can!" And he pulls his shirt off at once.
He holds it out to her and says "Here, iron this!"
A man hard of hearing flies to Indonesia to cure his arthritis...
He returns without luck, determined to give the doctor a piece of his mind, but the doctor corrects him: "I said that the most threatening inflammation was *in your knees again*.
A piece of rope walks into a bar.....
The bartender says, "hey, we don't serve your kind here. Now get out!" The piece of rope leaves, but it's determined to get a drink, so it starts rolling on the ground, ties itself up and splits it's ends. Looking beat up, the rope walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at the rope and says, "hey, aren't you that piece of rope that I just kicked out of here?" The rope looks at the bartender and says, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A man offers a woman at a bar a million dollars...
to have s**... with him, after not much debate the woman agrees and says "absolutely".
The man with a smile on his face then says "will you have s**... with me for $100".
The woman snarls back at him "What kind of woman do you think I am?"
The man gingerly replies "We have already determined that, we are just discussing price now."
My boss got a new car...
..."Wow! that's a really nice car boss!"
"Lemme tell you something. If you set goals, work hard, and act determined, I can get an even better one next year."
My boss pulled up in an awesome new car today
"Wow, that's a really nice car, sir. I'd love to drive one of those..." I said.
He said, "Well, if you set goals, you're determined, and you work really hard and put in the long hours, then I can get an even better one next year."
My boss bought an new car...
My boss bought a new sports car and parked it on his space while I was walking by him. I congratulated him to his newest purchase.
He said: "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals, do overtime and work with determination, I will be able to buy an even better one next year."
My boss was honest with me today.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane c**....
It was the left wing.
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm s**...? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
To determine a rabbit's s**... from afar, try sneaking up on them and shouting: if he runs, it's a boy.
If *she* runs, it's a girl.
Three men die and go to heaven.
God tells the men that if they do not step on a duck, he will give them a hot wife. The first man goes and steps on a duck and is taken to his ugly wife.
The second man does the same and is also taken to an ugly wife.
The third man was determined not to do anything so he didn't move. Eventually God came back with a hot woman and the man asked, "What did I do to deserve this?"
God replied, "You did nothing, she just stepped on a duck."
Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."
"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"
"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."
A man gets a STD test from his doctor...
...and while the doctor is filling out paperwork, he asks the man several questions to determine his risk of infection.
"Alright, last question, you're looking great so far." says the doc "Have you ever paid for s**...?"
The man thinks for a moment, and glancing out at his wife and kids through the examination room window, sighs, and says, "Every time..."
I don't like jam
but my marmite
Note : Girlfriend was determined this was a good joke, I thought it was trash. You decide.
How does a boat captain determine his profit?
By using aquadratic equation.
(Via my coworker)
A man lost both his hands in an industrial accident.
Determined to still live a full life, and vowing to be more careful, he declared, "I will never be defeated!"
So a man asked a woman " I'll pay you a million dollars to sleep with me" she said "yes" the man then asked "what can I get for a dollar?" She said "what kinda person do you think I am?"
The man replied "that's already been determined. I'm negotiating."
A foreign man walks into a bar...
He sees a group of hot women, and asks them, "Where are you from?" in a thick accent.
Somewhat annoyed, they reply, "Go away, we're l**...!"
Determined to get one of them, he says, "but I'm from Lesbia too!"
Timmy the Turtle...
Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.
Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...
"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."
A mummy was found in Egypt.
The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did you find out?"
"He confessed," the advisor said.
Did you hear about the first death caused by a self driving car?
The police never pressed charges though, because they couldn't determine it's automotive.
BREAKING NEWS: SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A MAN WITH 5 p**...
So far the only thing they have been able to determine is that his pants fit like a glove.
A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain
Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs
Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing
Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?
He went in all buns glazing.
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me: I'm very determined.
Interviewer: OK, we'll call you when we make our decision.
Me: Great! I'll just wait here then.
a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...
immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have s**... with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."
How Canada Was Named
So the dignitaries of the associated Provinces of what we now call "Canada" got together over a game of Scrabble to determine the name of the country. They decided they would pick the name based on the first three letters they grabbed. First one: "C, eh?" Second one, "n, eh?" Third one, "d, eh?"
A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...
He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.
In Feudal Japan, there was a system that determined who sat in the highly favored front position of carts.
You had to call Shogun.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
It has been determined, the most used s**... position for married couples is the d**... position...
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.
I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine
We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years
Scientists have determined that 39% of couples, suffer pain after eating this one food.
Wedding Cake.
Put-the-fork-down and walk away...
Scientists have determined that one dog year is not equal to 7 human years.
The only thing equal to 7 human years is 2020
How do I determine the cost of a balloon after adjusting for inflation?
Pls help me. The size of the problem is growing by the second.
There are two things that determine the spread of coronavirus
1. The density of the population
2. The density of the population
A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition.
After some digging, they found a pyramid and a mummy inside it. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the NKVD goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the NKVD goon.
So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.
However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.
Tonight I did a delivery to the local mental asylum.
Being curious, I asked the doctor how do they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the doctor, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition
They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the NKVD goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the NKVD goon.
Jeff Bezos' Advice
An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."
THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .
"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup"
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"
Scientists have determined that if you drink more water, you will live longer...
But the extra time is spent peeing.
It's not graverobbing! It's a system of mining grave yards to determine the validity of transactions.
It's a new way of thinking of money! I call it crypt-o-currency.
1 out of 3 people (Oops)
I read that ONE out of three people in a relationship, were unfaithful.
I'm trying to determine if it's my WIFE or my MISTRESS.
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and then ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would just use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug....do you want a bed near the window?"
A scientific study determined that married men live longer.
A subsequent study found that it only seemed longer.
Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."
Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."
The frog population in the Okeefenokee Swamp was declining...
Biologists determined it was due to the frogs inability to stay coupled while mating. They contacted an organic chemist at MIT who came up with a solution. He mixed some plasticizers with some adhesive and most importantly one part sodium. The concoction worked perfectly and the swamp was soon re-populated with frogs. The biologists wondered why the sodium was so important. The chemist replied: The frogs needed monosodium glutamate
Today my boss arrived at work with a very cool car, and I congratulated him.
He said: "Well, if you set yourself goals, are determined, work hard and do some over-time, I can get myself a better one next year."
Scientists have determined that the Earth has a resonant frequency
The planet resonates at a low B note. However if you were flying away in a space ship the frequency would drop due to the doppler effect, and the Earth would B flat.
A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer
are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.
The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.
The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.
The Engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber b**... and finds its specifications.
A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...
are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfections, then performs his own calculations. After carefully aiming the cannon and firing, he overshoots by 10 meters.
The statistician then begins shouting with glee that they hit the target.
So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...
...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.
"26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off.
One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!"
A study by the Bureau of Consumer Protection has determined that the most common first name on consumer complaints is actually "Sharon."
My kindergarten teacher was right. Sharon is Karen.
The dyslexic general was trying to determine if the reports he read indicated a nuclear threat or not
In the end, he said it was unclear
