Determined Jokes
103 determined jokes and hilarious determined puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about determined that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Determined Short Jokes
Short determined jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The determined humour may include short decides jokes also.
- How to determine the gender of your cat ? pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
- In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson
- 39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom Scientists still can't determine how much is needed for your mother though
- The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless. He has been declared mentally unstable.
- How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb? None: the light bulb must find $80,000 to become clear, then it will have the self-determination to change itself.
- Scientists have determined that 39% of couples, suffer pain after eating this one food. Wedding Cake.
Put-the-fork-down and walk away... - I woke up this morning determined to take care of myself by smoking & drinking less, eating better and exercising more... But that was 4 hours ago... when I was younger, dumber and full of hope.
- Police were called to the scene of a suspected mass grave of snowmen upon further investigation, it was determined to be a carrot patch
- It's not graverobbing! It's a system of mining grave yards to determine the validity of transactions. It's a new way of thinking of money! I call it crypt-o-currency.
- The dyslexic general was trying to determine if the reports he read indicated a nuclear threat or not In the end, he said it was unclear
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Determined One Liners
Which determined one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with determined? I can suggest the ones about designated and convinced.
- The Institute of Incomplete Studies (ISS) determined that 7 out of 10 people
- How do you determine who the best musician is? You compare their scores.
- What does a chemist use to determine how good a party is? Litness paper
- Why was the farmer so good at getting wool from his sheep? Sheer determination
- What do you call it when a cell is determined to produce ATP? Cellular Desperation
- How can we determine an anteater's diet? Inference.
- There is now a blood test to determine gender attraction. It checks homogloben levels.
- The internet has finally determined the true pronunciation of "GIF" It's "g" as in garage
- How do you determine a chromosome's gender? You take off its genes.
- What is a pirate's favorite method of determining molecular structure? N,M,AAAARRRRRRR
- Are you olive oil ? Then no, your worth is not determined by your virginity !
- The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
- How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites?
They take a gallop poll! - How to you measure the luminosity of an idea? You determine how bright it is.
- Doctor's determine Prince's cause of death; Being overrated.
Laughable Determined Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about determined you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean assured jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make determined pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not Pregnant
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having s**... with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pittsburgh
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.
The priests were all embarrassed and in new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in n**... and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And
I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
A question for your doctor
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor
How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?
Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger....
Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Now if you would be so kind as to proceed to bed no.39
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
When life starts
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
The difference between a crow and a raven.
A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their habitat and logging hours of observations. Their beaks were the same, their feet and their bodies showed no variable difference. But, at last, a breakthrough. The long feathers at the tip of a birds wings, the pinion feathers, provided the conclusion that ravens and crows differ. A raven has four pinion feathers and a crow has five pinion feathers. So........................... The difference between ravens and crows is a matter of a pinion.
In a sports relay race, a chemical kinetics specialist runs slowly, and his group loses the race.
When the chemical kinetics specialist is asked why he ran slowly, his reply was Well, I always wanted to be the significant rate determining step .
A man hard of hearing flies to Indonesia to cure his arthritis...
He returns without luck, determined to give the doctor a piece of his mind, but the doctor corrects him: "I said that the most threatening inflammation was *in your knees again*.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everything can be reduced to a f**... joke ...
Even physics:
We know that everything on earth falls at the same rate of acceleration, 32 feet per second per second. The difference comes down to mass and wind resistance, as shown by a flat piece of paper and one balled up. This means that the determining factor in your total decent is how much wind you break!
There was a body of a man found in a manhole in New York.
Authorities determined his death was a sewercide.
My boss was honest with me today.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Biologists have jokes too
Biologist: What's the quickest way to determine the s**... of a chromosome?
Dan: I don't know.
Biologist: Pull down its genes. ^^^^get ^^^^it?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane c**....
It was the left wing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm s**...? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To determine a rabbit's s**... from afar, try sneaking up on them and shouting: if he runs, it's a boy.
If *she* runs, it's a girl.
Three men die and go to heaven.
God tells the men that if they do not step on a duck, he will give them a hot wife. The first man goes and steps on a duck and is taken to his ugly wife.
The second man does the same and is also taken to an ugly wife.
The third man was determined not to do anything so he didn't move. Eventually God came back with a hot woman and the man asked, "What did I do to deserve this?"
God replied, "You did nothing, she just stepped on a duck."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
East and West Germany
In West Germany your job determines your Marks.
In East Germany Marx determines your job.
Lee was born without legs, but he was incredibly determined to finish the triathlon.
Slow Lee but sure Lee.
Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
How does a handwriting analyst determine how his lover is feeling?
He looks into his lover's 'I's.
"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."
"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"
"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."
Through voting, users determine what posts rise to the top of community pages and, by extension, the public home page of the site
...until the mods wake up.
Someone at Sony Studios was arrested for having a bomb in his backpack.
He was released after it was determined that it was the script for ghostbusters
Tom Cruise was carrying amphetamine when he was mugged.
When the ambulance arrived the paramedic examined Tom Cruise and determined he was winded by a swift knee to the solar plexus.
The police officer wrote in his file: "The victim, Tom Cruise, got kneed for speed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man gets a STD test from his doctor...
...and while the doctor is filling out paperwork, he asks the man several questions to determine his risk of infection.
"Alright, last question, you're looking great so far." says the doc "Have you ever paid for s**...?"
The man thinks for a moment, and glancing out at his wife and kids through the examination room window, sighs, and says, "Every time..."
I don't like jam
but my marmite
Note : Girlfriend was determined this was a good joke, I thought it was trash. You decide.
How does a boat captain determine his profit?
By using aquadratic equation.
(Via my coworker)
A man lost both his hands in an industrial accident.
Determined to still live a full life, and vowing to be more careful, he declared, "I will never be defeated!"
So a man asked a woman " I'll pay you a million dollars to sleep with me" she said "yes" the man then asked "what can I get for a dollar?" She said "what kinda person do you think I am?"
The man replied "that's already been determined. I'm negotiating."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A foreign man walks into a bar...
He sees a group of hot women, and asks them, "Where are you from?" in a thick accent.
Somewhat annoyed, they reply, "Go away, we're l**...!"
Determined to get one of them, he says, "but I'm from Lesbia too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Timmy the Turtle...
Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.
Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...
"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."
Paleontologists have determined that there once was a genetic mutation millions of years ago that resulted in the creation of a five-legged dinosaur.
As far as we know, this is the first evidence ever seen of a reptile dysfunction.
I've determined that saying big words always will make you sound smart
Totally photosynthesis right?
A mummy was found in Egypt.
The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did you find out?"
"He confessed," the advisor said.
Did you hear about the first death caused by a self driving car?
The police never pressed charges though, because they couldn't determine it's automotive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
BREAKING NEWS: SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A MAN WITH 5 p**...
So far the only thing they have been able to determine is that his pants fit like a glove.
A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain
Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs
Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing
Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?
He went in all buns glazing.
Some people ask 'why' to determine a motive, I ask 'why' because I don't believe there's any logical reason to do anything.
-Nietzsche on the habits of road crossing chickens
How many crypto miners does it take to change a light bulb?
A hundred thousand!
One miner to change it, and 99,999 to determine who gets the credit.
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me: I'm very determined.
Interviewer: OK, we'll call you when we make our decision.
Me: Great! I'll just wait here then.
How Canada Was Named
So the dignitaries of the associated Provinces of what we now call "Canada" got together over a game of Scrabble to determine the name of the country. They decided they would pick the name based on the first three letters they grabbed. First one: "C, eh?" Second one, "n, eh?" Third one, "d, eh?"
A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...
He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.
In Feudal Japan, there was a system that determined who sat in the highly favored front position of carts.
You had to call Shogun.
California Census
When California was determining its census rules, a law similar to the three fifths compromise was considered, under which two Asian Americans would be counted the same as one caucasian.
The law was rejected, because the lawmakers all agreed that two Wongs don't make a white.
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.
I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
How do they determine the homecoming queen and valedictorian in Alabama high schools?
The homecoming queen is the girl with the most teeth, and the valedictorian is the person who could count them all.
Scientists have determined that one dog year is not equal to 7 human years.
The only thing equal to 7 human years is 2020
How do I determine the cost of a balloon after adjusting for inflation?
Pls help me. The size of the problem is growing by the second.
A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition.
After some digging, they found a pyramid and a mummy inside it. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the NKVD goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the NKVD goon.
So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.
However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.
Tonight I did a delivery to the local mental asylum.
Being curious, I asked the doctor how do they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the doctor, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
The government of Canada is forming a council to determine the merits of decriminalization of all drugs
It will be a High Council
A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition
They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the NKVD goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the NKVD goon.
Jeff Bezos' Advice
An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician
David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *p**...*, the card disappears.
David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *p**...*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.
Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expects him to best the world's most famous magicians. But he waves his hand, and, *p**...*...
...the 300,000-man strong Afghan National Army disappears.
THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .
"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup"
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"
Scientists have determined that if you drink more water, you will live longer...
But the extra time is spent peeing.
Pulled Over
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew the breathalyzer and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
1 out of 3 people (Oops)
I read that ONE out of three people in a relationship, were unfaithful.
I'm trying to determine if it's my WIFE or my MISTRESS.
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and then ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would just use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug....do you want a bed near the window?"
A scientific study determined that married men live longer.
A subsequent study found that it only seemed longer.
Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."
Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."
The frog population in the Okeefenokee Swamp was declining...
Biologists determined it was due to the frogs inability to stay coupled while mating. They contacted an organic chemist at MIT who came up with a solution. He mixed some plasticizers with some adhesive and most importantly one part sodium. The concoction worked perfectly and the swamp was soon re-populated with frogs. The biologists wondered why the sodium was so important. The chemist replied: The frogs needed monosodium glutamate
Scientists have determined that the Earth has a resonant frequency
The planet resonates at a low B note. However if you were flying away in a space ship the frequency would drop due to the doppler effect, and the Earth would B flat.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer
are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.
The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.
The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.
The Engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber b**... and finds its specifications.
A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...
are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfections, then performs his own calculations. After carefully aiming the cannon and firing, he overshoots by 10 meters.
The statistician then begins shouting with glee that they hit the target.
So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...
...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.
"26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off.
One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!"
