Charming Humor Determine Jokes with Loads of Fun
Not Pregnant
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having s**... with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
Pittsburgh
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.
The priests were all embarrassed and in new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in n**... and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And
I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
A question for your doctor
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor
How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?
Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger....
Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Now if you would be so kind as to proceed to bed no.39
Medical School Entrance Exam...
When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when e**...."
Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
When life starts
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
Entrance Exam
A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when e**...."
Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors.
The rest ended up in Congress.
The difference between a crow and a raven.
A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their habitat and logging hours of observations. Their beaks were the same, their feet and their bodies showed no variable difference. But, at last, a breakthrough. The long feathers at the tip of a birds wings, the pinion feathers, provided the conclusion that ravens and crows differ. A raven has four pinion feathers and a crow has five pinion feathers. So........................... The difference between ravens and crows is a matter of a pinion.
The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.
A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.
The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.
The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years.
The KGB team goes next. They hold the mummy for a week, and then come up with this: it was Pharaoh Ramenhotep the Second, born 1022 BC, became king after murdering his uncle, ruled for five years, on the third year of his reign the Nile flooded Luxor, on the fourth year the hittites attacked.
Everyone is perplexed: "How did you find all this out?"
"He confessed"
Was on an online dating website.
"Which do you prefer, McDonald's or Burger King?" I asked her. "And be careful, your response will determine whether I continue talking to you or not..."
"Ohhhh I'm nervous now" she giggled "But for me, it's Burger King".
"See ya later" I replied. "The correct answer would've been neither, Fatty".
You can explore determine decide reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean determine forensic dad jokes. There are also determine puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Biologists have jokes too
Biologist: What's the quickest way to determine the s**... of a chromosome?
Dan: I don't know.
Biologist: Pull down its genes. ^^^^get ^^^^it?
To determine a rabbit's s**... from afar, try sneaking up on them and shouting: if he runs, it's a boy.
If *she* runs, it's a girl.
There is now a blood test to determine gender attraction.
It checks homogloben levels.
A guy was running around trying to determine the source of physicians' flatulence
He was only following doctors odors.
Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
How does a handwriting analyst determine how his lover is feeling?
He looks into his lover's 'I's.
How can you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?
You ask them to pronounce unionize.
How do you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?
One of them makes crack while the other just markets it.
Through voting, users determine what posts rise to the top of community pages and, by extension, the public home page of the site
...until the mods wake up.
9/11 gave rise to "Truthers", Obama gave rise to "Birthers", so...
... would a movement to determine whether Hillary Clinton actually carries hot sauce in her purse be called "Saucers"?
What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics?
So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.
How did the doctor determine that the baby was affected by the Zika virus?
It was a no brainer.
How do you determine the gender of a fish?
You give the fish some food. If HE ate the food, it is a male fish. If SHE ate the food, it is a female fish.
A man gets a STD test from his doctor...
...and while the doctor is filling out paperwork, he asks the man several questions to determine his risk of infection.
"Alright, last question, you're looking great so far." says the doc "Have you ever paid for s**...?"
The man thinks for a moment, and glancing out at his wife and kids through the examination room window, sighs, and says, "Every time..."
How does a boat captain determine his profit?
By using aquadratic equation.
(Via my coworker)
Yo mamma's so s**...
She tried to use politics to determine if a vector field was conservative.
i heard you can determine the gender of an ant by throwing it into a pool.
if it sinks; girl ant.
if it floats; boy ant.
(if you repeat it enough times you'll eventually get it)
How do scientists determine the genders of an ant?
How do scientists determine the genders of an ant? They throw it onto a pool of water. If it floats, it's a boy ant.
Don't determine your worth by if you completed the task you set out to do, it's all about the journey.
I mean there are still Jews but I wouldn't say h**... failed.
After watching social justice warrior's behaviour on YouTube. TIL: the old saying is true...
War doesn't determine who's on the right, only who's on the left.
How do you determine a chromosome's gender?
You take off its genes.
William Tell and his family used to be league bowlers...
but now that the records have been lost, it is difficult to determine for whom the Tells bowled.
I've determined that saying big words always will make you sound smart
Totally photosynthesis right?
A mummy was found in Egypt.
The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did you find out?"
"He confessed," the advisor said.
What do they call a movie producers process to determine whether they can s**... assault an actor or not?
Weinstein's theory of rapeativity
Did you hear about the first death caused by a self driving car?
The police never pressed charges though, because they couldn't determine it's automotive.
BREAKING NEWS: SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A MAN WITH 5 p**...
So far the only thing they have been able to determine is that his pants fit like a glove.
A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain
Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs
Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing
I was a very determined hall monitor at school. The other kids called me Batman,
Not because of that but because both my parents were murdered.
You can determine the gender of an ant by throwing it in a puddle of water
If it sinks it's a girl ant, but if it floats it's a boy ant
39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom
Scientists still can't determine how much is needed for your mother though
Some people ask 'why' to determine a motive, I ask 'why' because I don't believe there's any logical reason to do anything.
-Nietzsche on the habits of road crossing chickens
How many crypto miners does it take to change a light bulb?
A hundred thousand!
One miner to change it, and 99,999 to determine who gets the credit.
How do they determine who moves on in a World Cup group if the points are tied?
Just look at the dy/dx (goal)
How can you distinguish an alligator from a crocodile?
>!Just determine which will see you later and which will see you in a while!<
All women are bi...
It's up to you to determine if it's s**... or polar.
Did you hear about the global trade war to determine who's currency is stronger?
South Korean Won.
How Canada Was Named
So the dignitaries of the associated Provinces of what we now call "Canada" got together over a game of Scrabble to determine the name of the country. They decided they would pick the name based on the first three letters they grabbed. First one: "C, eh?" Second one, "n, eh?" Third one, "d, eh?"
What does a chemist use to determine how good a party is?
Litness paper
How do you determine the value of all the fish you just caught?
You look at the net worth.
How do you determine who the best musician is?
You compare their scores.
ELI5: How do bald people determine where to end soaping when they wash their face?
Or do they just go all the way and shampoo with the soap.
On our honeymoon my new wife told me I was an awful lover.
I don't know how she could determine that in 2 minutes.
Did you know that you can determine an ant's gender by putting it in water?
If it sinks... girl ant.
If it floats... boyant.
What is the fastest way to determine the s**... of chromosome?
Pull down its genes.
How can we determine an anteater's diet?
Inference.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
It has been determined, the most used s**... position for married couples is the d**... position...
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
As scientists try to determine whether it escaped from a lab or originated in an animal market
Others say it's the president now and everyone just has to live with it
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.
I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine
We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years
How do they determine the homecoming queen and valedictorian in Alabama high schools?
The homecoming queen is the girl with the most teeth, and the valedictorian is the person who could count them all.
How do scientists determine which flavor of gum people favor the most?
They do an exspearmint.
How do I determine the cost of a balloon after adjusting for inflation?
Pls help me. The size of the problem is growing by the second.
There are two things that determine the spread of coronavirus
1. The density of the population
2. The density of the population
A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition.
After some digging, they found a pyramid and a mummy inside it. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the NKVD goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the NKVD goon.
So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.
However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.
Tonight I did a delivery to the local mental asylum.
Being curious, I asked the doctor how do they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the doctor, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19?
Ask them who won the election.
The government of Canada is forming a council to determine the merits of decriminalization of all drugs
It will be a High Council
A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition
They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the NKVD goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the NKVD goon.
A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician
David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *p**...*, the card disappears.
David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *p**...*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.
Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expects him to best the world's most famous magicians. But he waves his hand, and, *p**...*...
...the 300,000-man strong Afghan National Army disappears.
THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .
"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup"
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"
It's not graverobbing! It's a system of mining grave yards to determine the validity of transactions.
It's a new way of thinking of money! I call it crypt-o-currency.
Pulled Over
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew the breathalyzer and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
1 out of 3 people (Oops)
I read that ONE out of three people in a relationship, were unfaithful.
I'm trying to determine if it's my WIFE or my MISTRESS.
How to determine the gender of your cat ?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and then ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would just use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug....do you want a bed near the window?"
I was going in for surgery to remove a cyst in my hand yesterday, and I asked one of the nurses if I'd be able to play piano after recovery.
She said yes!
I replied: "That's great, I've never been able to play before!"
The eyeroll I got back made me think she was thinking back over the Hippocratic oath to determine whether she could smother me with a pillow or not.
A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer
are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.
The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.
The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.
The Engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber b**... and finds its specifications.
A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...
are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfections, then performs his own calculations. After carefully aiming the cannon and firing, he overshoots by 10 meters.
The statistician then begins shouting with glee that they hit the target.
So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...
...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.
"26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off.
One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!"
The dyslexic general was trying to determine if the reports he read indicated a nuclear threat or not
In the end, he said it was unclear
How to determine the s**... of an ant…
Drop the ant in water. If it sinks it's a female. If not, it's buoyant.
How to determine s**... of aquarium fish?
Easy. Give it some food. If he eats it, then it's a male, if she eats it, then it's a female.
How do you determine the mass of a chilli pepper?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
