Detective Jokes
147 detective jokes and hilarious detective puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about detective that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you love detective stories and jokes? Then you've come to the right place! Check out our collection of detective jokes and puns, featuring references to famous detectives like Sherlock Holmes, Detective Pikachu, and more. Of course, we also dive into all the detective cliches like evidence, bloodhounds, and that infamous policeman. Ready to get cracking? Then let's get to it!
Quick Jump To
- Short Detective Jokes
- Detective One Liners
- Private Detective Jokes
- Homicide Detective Jokes
- Alligator Detective Jokes
- More Detective Jokes
Funniest Detective Short Jokes
Short detective jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The detective humour may include short investigator jokes also.
- My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
- My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way
- What's a good name for a detective? Mr. E
* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind - My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective... ...and that "we should split up"
"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground" - My girlfriend said she's fed up with me always pretending I'm a detective, and that we should split up... I told her that's great, we can cover more ground that way.
- What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect? "What were you doing the night between November and May?"
- OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers. Detective: dear god
Officer: most likely yes - What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect? "What were you doing the night between November and May?"
I'll see myself out. - Did you hear about the family of racist chicken detectives? They're called the Clue Clucks Clan
- There's a hole in the women's bathroom wall at the police station The detectives are looking into it
Share These Detective Jokes With Friends
Detective One Liners
Which detective one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with detective? I can suggest the ones about inspector and private investigator.
- What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally? Sheer luck Holmes
- What do you call when you cross a detective with an electrician Sherlock Ohms
- I have a fridge that beeps when it detects mold Spoiler alert
- Why do dumplings make great detectives? They always know how to “wrap up” a case!
- Why do snowmen make terrible detectives? They always melt under pressure!
- Why do accordion teachers make great detectives? They always find the key.
- What do you call a ghost detective? An Inspectre
- Anti vaccinated kids show no sign of autism Because autism isn't detected until age 3
- I found a Land Rover whilst metal detecting today It was a lovely discovery
- What do you call a detective and a part-time electrician? Sherlock Ohms!
- Why did the detective wear a patch on his left eye? It's his private eye.
- Why did the PI detective cross the road? He needed to keep up with Jenny's U-turns.
- I knew a detective that was a cannibal He loved grilling people.
- I went metal detecting in Germany hoping to find an old coin. I missed the mark though.
- I did surgery on a detective today... ...it was an open and shut case.
Private Detective Jokes
Here is a list of funny private detective jokes and even better private detective puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I am meeting with a private detective in one hour... Can someone please tell me where Cognito is?
- What's the difference between a hired detective and a Gynecologist? Ones a Private Investigator, the others a Privates Investigator
- I'm the leader of a group of shoddy private investigators. I'm a directive defective detective.
- WHAT DO YOU CALL A PRIVATE DETECTIVE THAT ONLY WORKS IN THE SWAMP? An investiGATOR!
- What education should a private detective have? Elementary, my dear Watson.
- What do you call a private detective agency and a glory hole? Anonymous Tips
Homicide Detective Jokes
Here is a list of funny homicide detective jokes and even better homicide detective puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do h**... detectives bake with? Doe.
- Vice Presidents and h**... Detectives have a similar job... ...They both work if someone dies
Alligator Detective Jokes
Here is a list of funny alligator detective jokes and even better alligator detective puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call an alligator detective wearing a waistcoat? An investigator.
- What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.
- What do you get when you cross a stock broker, a detective, and an alligator? An investigator.
Comical & Quirky Detective Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about detective you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean detector jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make detective pranks.
What did the detective say when he tripped over a pretzel left by the perp?
Well, that was an unexpected twist!
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York
when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied I don't know, it all happened so fast.
A Detective is in a room questioning a suspect
After a while, he comes out of the room and talks to the police sergeant there with him, "Well, I've asked him just about every question in the book. 'Where were you last night?', 'What were you doing?', 'Who were you with?', everything."
The sergeant asks, "Well have you gotten a confession out of him?"
The detective says, "Not exactly. He keeps saying 'Yes dear' and dozing off."
The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...
...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.
Police Lineup
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."
One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Larry at the police station
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station
Detectives have nothing to go on.
Which detective investigates electrical crimes?
Sherlock Ohms
That's why his partner is called Wattson...
A teacher asks Little Johnny what he wants to be when he grows up.
"I want to be a detective and follow in my father's footsteps," says Johnny.
"That's very admirable of you," says the teacher. "I didn't even know your father was a detective."
"He's not," says Johnny. "He's a jewel thief."
How does a detective stay cool in hot summer?
He works on a cold case.
My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
Yo momma's so fat...
.. when she fell out of bed, it was detected by LIGO.
The Japanese designed a detective-robot able to catch thieves easily
They tried it out in three countries.
In Japan, the robots caught 100 thieves in five minutes.
In the US, the robots caught 200 thieves in five minutes.
In Albania, five minutes were enough for the robots to be stolen.
The Detective
Who was the first electricity detective?
Sherlock Ohms
Police are puzzled by the theft of the police station bathrooms. ..
Detectives released a statement saying that "They have nothing to go on".
My girlfriend is getting bored of my obsession with pretending to be a detective, she's suggested we should split up.
It's a good idea, we'll cover more ground that way.
What do you call a detective in the real estate business?
Sherlock Homes
Dead husband
A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?"
Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct."
The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?"
"The old fool used an elastic rope!"
What did the detective say when he received a really long letter?
"I'll get to the bottom of this."
Turns out dogs can't detect cancer
Cats can...
Dogs operating XRays cannot detect brain tumours.
But CAT scan!
A detective in Paris is conversing with the hunchback of Notre Dame about a m**... committed the previous night
Detective: Well, who do you think did it?
The Hunchback of Notre Dame: I have a hunch.
A detective walks into a party...
and asks the partygoers,
"Do you guys have any Nacho Cheese?"
The partygoers respond,
"No dip, Sherlock."
The detective said, "Something's fishy about this evidence..."
Turned out to be a red herring.
Detective: "Where were you on the night of the m**...?"
Suspect: "At home, sir."
Detective: "That's where the m**... happened idiot."
Criss Angel arrested for m**......
His lawyer asks "When and where did the m**... take place?"
Detective "Around midnight at the MGM."
Lawyer "Well my client is definitely innocent then."
Detective "How's that?"
Lawyer "He was at The Bellagio then, he would have to be some kind of magician to be in two places at once."
What do you call a group of White-Supremacist Detectives?
The Klue-Klux-k**....
A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them downtown. As they were talking he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?"
They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered at him and said "It's Wales, you idiot."
"Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
Why did it took so long to investigate Flint water crisis?
They never appointed a lead detective
What happened to E?
Detective: What happened to E?
Pathologist: Looking at the remains' bone structures, all I can tell you is that E had to be a guy.
Detective: I guess that makes this case about a Mister E.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the m**... of Juan Gonzalez.
How was he killed asked one detective. With a golf gun. Replied the second detective.
A golf gun? What's a golf gun?
I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan
My girlfriend wanted a favor from me
Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident
Me: Say no more
LATER
Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet
A weird man with a weird condition
The man was never very good at anything.
He had no talents apart from his ability to notice things when he was drunk.
He decided to become a detective.
On his first day he came across a dead body , but he could not make head or tail of the situation.
So he proceeded to ask his colleague , Here's the dead body. Where's tequila ?
A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.
They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up
The husband replies That's a great idea we can cover more ground that way
(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)
Last week, a burglary was reported at the fairgrounds
The burglars appear to have taken the bumper cars, the Tilt-a-Whirl, the spinning teacups, the Whirligig swing, the carousel and the Ferris wheel. Detectives have been searching the fairgrounds for clues, but report they still haven't found anything to go on.
My girlfriend said, Your obsession with acting like a detective is getting out of hand. I think we should split up.
I said, Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
What do you call a cholo detective?
Sherlock, Holmes.
A man was being interviewed for a job in CIA
Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer Instinct. So, do you think you are eligible?
Man: Sir... Can my wife apply?
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
"Where were you on the night of September to March?"
Hunchbacks would make great detectives
They can start off every investigation saying, "Hmm, I have a hunch".
Quasimodo would've been a great detective
He always had a good hunch
A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.
A cop fills him in on what happened.
Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy
Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question.
That's some locomotive
Did you hear about the athlete shot by a starter p**... at an event?
Detectives believe it was race related.
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
I think I made an original joke,at least none of my friends have ever heard it before.
Why did the duck become a detective?
Why?
So he could QUACK the case!
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people every time they tell a lie...
Dad: what were you watching?
Son: Kung-Fu Panda
*\*robot slaps son\**
Son: Ok! It was an e**... movie.
Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn't even know what an e**... movie was
*\*robot slaps dad\**
Mum: HAHAHA!!! He's your son after all
*\*robot slaps mum\**
Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !
Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases
A detective is trying to solve a m**... mystery
A lady was killed by being stabbed 17 times. The only evidence was a knife, fully made of concrete. The detective sent the knife to a lab, hoping for any DNA evidence, but unfortunately, the results came back inconclusive.
The detective was puzzled. He was sure it was concrete evidence.
A detective went for a circumcision.
It was a tip off.
A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident.
Neither party can agree on who's fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective's first day on the job and his boss tells him, If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail you will be fired. The steaks are high.
Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced p**... detection systems to help protect children
The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™
A man was being interviewed for job in the army
The general asks the man: We want a person with a suspicious mind, one who is always alert. Merciless and ready to attack. Someone who has an acute sense of hearing and has detective ability. And most importantly having a killer instinct!
So do you think you are eligible?
The man replies: Sir... can my wife apply!???
Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"
Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"
Friend: "Why do you say that?"
Wife: "He said he wouldn't rest until he found his suspect"
Friend: "That doesn't sound so bad"
Wife: "He was talking in his sleep!"
Detective Work
A urologist is sitting down to lunch when he gets a call from a NYPD detective. Puzzled, he picks up the phone and listens as the detective details the fact patterns of a h**.... After about 5 minutes the detective finishes, re-summarizes the facts, and asks the urologist: "Who do you think committed the m**...?"
The urologist says "Listen, fella, I think you have the wrong number. I'm a doctor."
The detective says "Right! So, in urinalysis, who committed the crime?
My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors
But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn't smell good.
Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets
Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on
how did the detective know that quasimodo was the killer?
he had a hunch.
A detective story
11:45 - arrived at crime scene
11:45 - Examined body. sign of struggle
11:45 - Found m**... weapon in drain
11:45 - Realised watch was broken
Why did Quasimodo make such a great detective?
He always had a hunch.
Girl: I'm sick and tired of you pretending to be some detective ace all the time. I think we should split up.
Me: Excellent idea. That way we can cover more ground.
Officer: The Victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
Detective: Dear God!
Officer: Yes, I guess so!
What did the doctor say to the constipated detective?
No s**... sherlock?
"Detective, we found the body eviscerated under an altar made of antlers."
Detective: "Dear, God..."
Officer: "Yeah, probably."
Criminal suspect identification.
Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'
Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'
Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'
Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'
Police detective: That's one h**... of a moustache
