Detective Jokes
139 detective jokes and hilarious detective puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about detective that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you love detective stories and jokes? Then you've come to the right place! Check out our collection of detective jokes and puns, featuring references to famous detectives like Sherlock Holmes, Detective Pikachu, and more. Of course, we also dive into all the detective cliches like evidence, bloodhounds, and that infamous policeman. Ready to get cracking? Then let's get to it!
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Funniest Detective Short Jokes
Short detective jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The detective humour may include short investigator jokes also.
- My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
- What's a good name for a detective? Mr. E
* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind - What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect? "What were you doing the night between November and May?"
- Did you hear about the family of racist chicken detectives? They're called the Clue Clucks Clan
- There's a hole in the women's bathroom wall at the police station The detectives are looking into it
- Why did the accordion player make a great detective? He could always find the key to solving the case.
- What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect? "Where were you on the night of September to March?"
- I am meeting with a private detective in one hour... Can someone please tell me where Cognito is?
- What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems? A mirror
- What's the difference between a hired detective and a Gynecologist? Ones a Private Investigator, the others a Privates Investigator
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Detective One Liners
Which detective one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with detective? I can suggest the ones about inspector and private investigator.
- What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally? Sheer luck Holmes
- What do you call when you cross a detective with an electrician Sherlock Ohms
- I have a fridge that beeps when it detects mold Spoiler alert
- Why do dumplings make great detectives? They always know how to “wrap up” a case!
- Why do snowmen make terrible detectives? They always melt under pressure!
- What do you call a ghost detective? An Inspectre
- Anti vaccinated kids show no sign of autism Because autism isn't detected until age 3
- I found a Land Rover whilst metal detecting today It was a lovely discovery
- Why did the detective wear a patch on his left eye? It's his private eye.
- Why did the PI detective cross the road? He needed to keep up with Jenny's U-turns.
- I went metal detecting in Germany hoping to find an old coin. I missed the mark though.
- I did surgery on a detective today... ...it was an open and shut case.
- Why did Quasimodo make such a great detective? He always had a hunch.
- What does a detective with bad posture say? "I have a hunch."
- Why do trees make bad detectives? They always get stumped!
Private Detective Jokes
Here is a list of funny private detective jokes and even better private detective puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm the leader of a group of shoddy private investigators. I'm a directive defective detective.
- WHAT DO YOU CALL A PRIVATE DETECTIVE THAT ONLY WORKS IN THE SWAMP? An investiGATOR!
- What education should a private detective have? Elementary, my dear Watson.
Comical & Quirky Detective Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about detective you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean policeman jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make detective pranks.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
Why was the detective excited when he found a thimble sized crown?
He was looking for Finger Prince.
(Say it out loud if you don't get it.)
What did the detective say when he tripped over a pretzel left by the perp?
Well, that was an unexpected twist!
A Detective is in a room questioning a suspect
After a while, he comes out of the room and talks to the police sergeant there with him, "Well, I've asked him just about every question in the book. 'Where were you last night?', 'What were you doing?', 'Who were you with?', everything."
The sergeant asks, "Well have you gotten a confession out of him?"
The detective says, "Not exactly. He keeps saying 'Yes dear' and dozing off."
The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...
...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.
Police Lineup
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."
One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Larry at the police station
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
A amnesiac woman covered in bruises walks into a police station...
A amnesiac woman covered in bruises walks into a police station. The police are trying everything to learn where she came from and how she got the bruises but with no results.
Finally one of the detectives notices she has a wedding ring.
"Oh! You have a husband! What does he do?"
"I dunno, beats me."
What do bed detectives solve?
Pillow cases
What do you call a detective from Glasgow with three feet?
A Scotland Yard.
Favourite football/soccer teams
What's an arthroplasty surgeon's favourite football team? Ipswich Town
What's a jockey's favourite football team? Derby
What's a detective's favourite football team? Leads United
What's a fossil's favourite football team? S'underland
What's a stale meat's favourite football team? Oldham
What's a fit, balding person's favourite football team? Wigan Athletic
What's a pirate's favourite football team? Loot-on (Luton) Town
What do you call two detectives tracking down a ghost?
Pair-a-normal investigators.
A teacher asks Little Johnny what he wants to be when he grows up.
"I want to be a detective and follow in my father's footsteps," says Johnny.
"That's very admirable of you," says the teacher. "I didn't even know your father was a detective."
"He's not," says Johnny. "He's a jewel thief."
How does a detective stay cool in hot summer?
He works on a cold case.
What do you call a reptile detective ?
An investigator
Sorry
The Japanese designed a detective-robot able to catch thieves easily
They tried it out in three countries.
In Japan, the robots caught 100 thieves in five minutes.
In the US, the robots caught 200 thieves in five minutes.
In Albania, five minutes were enough for the robots to be stolen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told my psychiatrist that I believe I have the power to detect Indian bread for miles around.
He said that's naan-sense.
The Detective
Who was the first electricity detective?
Sherlock Ohms
Where do detectives go to have a drink?
The Search Bar.
Always bring a rogue with you when you go to Thailand
They're good at detecting traps
A bad detective will never be able to jump start a car...
They can't find any leads!
What do you call a detective in the real estate business?
Sherlock Homes
What did the detective say when he received a really long letter?
"I'll get to the bottom of this."
Turns out dogs can't detect cancer
Cats can...
They say dogs can detect cancer by scent..
Wondering if CAT scan too..
Dogs operating XRays cannot detect brain tumours.
But CAT scan!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A detective in Paris is conversing with the hunchback of Notre Dame about a m**... committed the previous night
Detective: Well, who do you think did it?
The Hunchback of Notre Dame: I have a hunch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A detective has finally solved a high profile dog m**....
He successfully followed a lead.
Why do potatoes make great detectives?
Because they have eyes all over!
A detective walks into a party...
and asks the partygoers,
"Do you guys have any Nacho Cheese?"
The partygoers respond,
"No dip, Sherlock."
The detective said, "Something's fishy about this evidence..."
Turned out to be a red herring.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Detective: "Where were you on the night of the m**...?"
Suspect: "At home, sir."
Detective: "That's where the m**... happened idiot."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Criss Angel arrested for m**......
His lawyer asks "When and where did the m**... take place?"
Detective "Around midnight at the MGM."
Lawyer "Well my client is definitely innocent then."
Detective "How's that?"
Lawyer "He was at The Bellagio then, he would have to be some kind of magician to be in two places at once."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a group of White-Supremacist Detectives?
The Klue-Klux-k**....
I hear they're building apartment buildings for detectives only
They're calling them Sherlock Homes.
What do you call a detective who just got back from war?
Shell-shock Holmes
Why did it took so long to investigate Flint water crisis?
They never appointed a lead detective
Why do they use AI (Captcha, etc.) to detect if you're a robot online?
It takes one to know one.
What happened to E?
Detective: What happened to E?
Pathologist: Looking at the remains' bone structures, all I can tell you is that E had to be a guy.
Detective: I guess that makes this case about a Mister E.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the detective say while interrogating a clock accused of m**...?
"LISTEN PUNK! We know what makes you tick, and we have ways to make you tock!"
I'm in a band called Inadequate Detectives.
We're currently looking for a new drummer, but we haven't found the right guy yet.
Sherlock bones the worlds greatest doggy detective has solved yet another mystery with the help of his partner Dr.Dogson, but how did they do it?
Smellementary.
What does a detective wear on a flight?
Plainclothes
A weird man with a weird condition
The man was never very good at anything.
He had no talents apart from his ability to notice things when he was drunk.
He decided to become a detective.
On his first day he came across a dead body , but he could not make head or tail of the situation.
So he proceeded to ask his colleague , Here's the dead body. Where's tequila ?
A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.
They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up
The husband replies That's a great idea we can cover more ground that way
(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)
Sergeant: 'Are we any closer to solving the case of the missing dog-walker?'
Detective: 'Well I've got a lead but nothing else has turned up'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A detective walked over to his car
As he made the approach, he saw a smattering of crow f**... on it and said,
*"There's been a m**......"*
Last week, a burglary was reported at the fairgrounds
The burglars appear to have taken the bumper cars, the Tilt-a-Whirl, the spinning teacups, the Whirligig swing, the carousel and the Ferris wheel. Detectives have been searching the fairgrounds for clues, but report they still haven't found anything to go on.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a cholo detective?
Sherlock, Holmes.
A man was being interviewed for a job in CIA
Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer Instinct. So, do you think you are eligible?
Man: Sir... Can my wife apply?
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
What do you call a fight between detectives?
Trench warfare
Hunchbacks would make great detectives
They can start off every investigation saying, "Hmm, I have a hunch".
The Detective's Conundrum
The detective walked into the smokey room. His assistant scurried in after. He took in the scene.
A dim light.
A flipped table.
And 53 bicycles laying all around the floor.
"It's apparent what he wrong here," the detective said.
"What is it?" asked the perplexed assistant.
"Someone had an ace up their sleeve."
A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.
A cop fills him in on what happened.
Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy
Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question.
That's some locomotive
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
I think I made an original joke,at least none of my friends have ever heard it before.
Why did the duck become a detective?
Why?
So he could QUACK the case!
Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !
Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A detective is trying to solve a m**... mystery
A lady was killed by being stabbed 17 times. The only evidence was a knife, fully made of concrete. The detective sent the knife to a lab, hoping for any DNA evidence, but unfortunately, the results came back inconclusive.
The detective was puzzled. He was sure it was concrete evidence.
A detective went for a circumcision.
It was a tip off.
A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident.
Neither party can agree on who's fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective's first day on the job and his boss tells him, If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail you will be fired. The steaks are high.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced p**... detection systems to help protect children
The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™
Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"
Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"
Friend: "Why do you say that?"
Wife: "He said he wouldn't rest until he found his suspect"
Friend: "That doesn't sound so bad"
Wife: "He was talking in his sleep!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Detective Work
A urologist is sitting down to lunch when he gets a call from a NYPD detective. Puzzled, he picks up the phone and listens as the detective details the fact patterns of a h**.... After about 5 minutes the detective finishes, re-summarizes the facts, and asks the urologist: "Who do you think committed the m**...?"
The urologist says "Listen, fella, I think you have the wrong number. I'm a doctor."
The detective says "Right! So, in urinalysis, who committed the crime?
My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors
But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn't smell good.
how did the detective know that quasimodo was the killer?
he had a hunch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A detective story
11:45 - arrived at crime scene
11:45 - Examined body. sign of struggle
11:45 - Found m**... weapon in drain
11:45 - Realised watch was broken
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've designed a bathroom stall door that will open for everyone except British detectives.
It's called a No s**..., Sure-Lock.
