The Best 72 Detective Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Detective jokes. There are some detective policewoman jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these detective sherlock puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Detective Jokes and Puns

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

What did the detective say when he tripped over a pretzel left by the perp?

Well, that was an unexpected twist!

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York

when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied I don't know, it all happened so fast.

Detective joke, A turtle was walking down an alley in New York

A Detective is in a room questioning a suspect

After a while, he comes out of the room and talks to the police sergeant there with him, "Well, I've asked him just about every question in the book. 'Where were you last night?', 'What were you doing?', 'Who were you with?', everything."

The sergeant asks, "Well have you gotten a confession out of him?"

The detective says, "Not exactly. He keeps saying 'Yes dear' and dozing off."

Why did the PI detective cross the road?

He needed to keep up with Jenny's U-turns.


Which detective investigates electrical crimes?

Sherlock Ohms
That's why his partner is called Wattson...

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up"

"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

Detective joke, My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

A teacher asks Little Johnny what he wants to be when he grows up.

"I want to be a detective and follow in my father's footsteps," says Johnny.

"That's very admirable of you," says the teacher. "I didn't even know your father was a detective."

"He's not," says Johnny. "He's a jewel thief."

How does a detective stay cool in hot summer?

He works on a cold case.

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

Why did the detective wear a patch on his left eye?

It's his private eye.

You can explore detective policeman reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean detective cid dad jokes. There are also detective puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What do you call a ghost detective?

An Inspectre

The Detective

Who was the first electricity detective?

Sherlock Ohms

My girlfriend is getting bored of my obsession with pretending to be a detective, she's suggested we should split up.

It's a good idea, we'll cover more ground that way.

What do you call a detective in the real estate business?

Sherlock Homes

Dead husband

A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?"

Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct."

The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?"

"The old fool used an elastic rope!"

Detective joke, Dead husband

What did the detective say when he received a really long letter?

"I'll get to the bottom of this."

I am meeting with a private detective in one hour...

Can someone please tell me where Cognito is?

What do you call when you cross a detective with an electrician

Sherlock Ohms


A detective in Paris is conversing with the hunchback of Notre Dame about a murder committed the previous night

Detective: Well, who do you think did it?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame: I have a hunch.

A detective walks into a party...

and asks the partygoers,
"Do you guys have any Nacho Cheese?"
The partygoers respond,
"No dip, Sherlock."

Detective: "Where were you on the night of the murder?"

Suspect: "At home, sir."
Detective: "That's where the murder happened idiot."

Criss Angel arrested for murder...

His lawyer asks "When and where did the murder take place?"

Detective "Around midnight at the MGM."

Lawyer "Well my client is definitely innocent then."

Detective "How's that?"

Lawyer "He was at The Bellagio then, he would have to be some kind of magician to be in two places at once."

Why did it took so long to investigate Flint water crisis?

They never appointed a lead detective

My girlfriend said she's fed up with me always pretending I'm a detective, and that we should split up...

I told her that's great, we can cover more ground that way.

What happened to E?

Detective: What happened to E?

Pathologist: Looking at the remains' bone structures, all I can tell you is that E had to be a guy.

Detective: I guess that makes this case about a Mister E.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

How was he killed asked one detective. With a golf gun. Replied the second detective.

A golf gun? What's a golf gun?

I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan

What's the difference between a hired detective and a Gynecologist?

Ones a Private Investigator, the others a Privates Investigator

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

A weird man with a weird condition

The man was never very good at anything.
He had no talents apart from his ability to notice things when he was drunk.
He decided to become a detective.
On his first day he came across a dead body , but he could not make head or tail of the situation.
So he proceeded to ask his colleague , Here's the dead body. Where's tequila ?

A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.

They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up

The husband replies That's a great idea we can cover more ground that way

(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)

My girlfriend said, Your obsession with acting like a detective is getting out of hand. I think we should split up.

I said, Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

What do you call a cholo detective?

Sherlock, Holmes.

A man was being interviewed for a job in CIA

Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer Instinct. So, do you think you are eligible?

Man: Sir... Can my wife apply?

What's a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.

One day I asked him why.

He told me "I am always in purrsuit."

What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?

"Where were you on the night of September to March?"

Quasimodo would've been a great detective

He always had a good hunch

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy

Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

That's some locomotive

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?

Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy

Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

I think I made an original joke,at least none of my friends have ever heard it before.

Why did the duck become a detective?
Why?
So he could QUACK the case!

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers.

Detective: dear god

Officer: most likely yes

A detective is trying to solve a murder mystery

A lady was killed by being stabbed 17 times. The only evidence was a knife, fully made of concrete. The detective sent the knife to a lab, hoping for any DNA evidence, but unfortunately, the results came back inconclusive.

The detective was puzzled. He was sure it was concrete evidence.

A detective went for a circumcision.

It was a tip off.

A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident.

Neither party can agree on who's fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective's first day on the job and his boss tells him, If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail you will be fired. The steaks are high.

A man was being interviewed for job in the army

The general asks the man: We want a person with a suspicious mind, one who is always alert. Merciless and ready to attack. Someone who has an acute sense of hearing and has detective ability. And most importantly having a killer instinct!

So do you think you are eligible?

The man replies: Sir... can my wife apply!???

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Friend: "Why do you say that?"

Wife: "He said he wouldn't rest until he found his suspect"

Friend: "That doesn't sound so bad"

Wife: "He was talking in his sleep!"

Detective Work

A urologist is sitting down to lunch when he gets a call from a NYPD detective. Puzzled, he picks up the phone and listens as the detective details the fact patterns of a homicide. After about 5 minutes the detective finishes, re-summarizes the facts, and asks the urologist: "Who do you think committed the murder?"

The urologist says "Listen, fella, I think you have the wrong number. I'm a doctor."

The detective says "Right! So, in urinalysis, who committed the crime?

how did the detective know that quasimodo was the killer?

he had a hunch.

What do you call a detective and a part-time electrician?

Sherlock Ohms!

A detective story

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

Why did Quasimodo make such a great detective?

He always had a hunch.

Girl: I'm sick and tired of you pretending to be some detective ace all the time. I think we should split up.

Me: Excellent idea. That way we can cover more ground.

Officer: The Victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

Detective: Dear God!


Officer: Yes, I guess so!

What did the doctor say to the constipated detective?

No shit sherlock?

"Detective, we found the body eviscerated under an altar made of antlers."

Detective: "Dear, God..."

Officer: "Yeah, probably."

My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

Criminal suspect identification.

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

I did surgery on a detective today...

...it was an open and shut case.

"No forced entry,"

the detective mused. "That means it could only be .... the piano player!"

Everyone gasped and turned towards the mild-mannered entertainer.

"He's the only one who has all the keys!"

Have you heard about the constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock

What do you call a constipated British detective from the 19th century?

No shit Sherlock

FINALLY A QUALITY PUN (Un intended)

Β FINALLY A QUALITY PUN

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

Detective: Dear God !!!

OFFICER: Most likely yes

Β 

Where do Detectives park their vehicles?

Undercover.

But is it murder?

A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?" "Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."

3 animals are accused of a terrible crime. Sally the pig, Juan the eagle, and Carl the otter. A famous detective is brought in to investigate. He interrogates all 3 suspects and immediately decides it's not the pig. But why?

It's always Juan or the otter

What do you call a suddenly constipated detective?

"A doctor?"

No shit Sherlock.

Did you hear the one about the constipated detective?

They call him a "no shit Sherlock".

That detective must be from Florida

Because he's an investi-gator

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes

Three lawyers go on a hunting trip…

Two were from Germany, the third was Czechoslovakian. They were about two days into their hunting trip, having a good ol' time when two bears come out of nowhere and devoured the three hunters.

Crime scene investigation was called in after a couple of hikers stumbled across the bloody campsite, and the detective came to the conclusion that the two Germans were eaten up by the female bear.

When asked how he knew, he pointed behind a tent where the second bear was sprawled out dead, with a foot sticking out, and he said, 'well, if you do a dna test, you'll find that the Czech is in the male.'


Thank you. I'm here all night.

Did you hear about the Scotland Yard detective who dropped his smartphone.

He cracked the case.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the detective inspector jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working detective investigator piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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