The Best 45 Desperately Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Desperately jokes. There are some desperately seek jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these desperately desperate men puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Desperately Jokes and Puns

What do Scottish Catholic priests and dyslexic zombies have in common?

They desperately want to suck on bairns.

Caught Short

Two dwarfs have just won the lottery, so they go out and hire two prostitutes and two hotel rooms. The first dwarf tries desperately all night to get an erection, but all he can hear from the next room is, 'One, two, three, huh!'. This goes on all night.

The next morning, the second dwarf asks, 'So how did it go?'. The first dwarf replies, 'Shit, I couldn't get an erection. How was your night?'. The second dwarf turns round and replies, 'Even worse, I couldn't even get on the bed.'

Desperately trying to recall this joke

Many eons ago Billy Crystal told a joke on Letterman involving an old Jewish guy arguing with a younger guy. They go back and forth until finally the young guy says something that proves the old guy's point and the old guy says, "Ah-haaah!" in a Yiddish voice.

Anybody remember that joke? It's been driving me nuts for years.

Desperately joke, Desperately trying to recall this joke

So on wheel of fortune ...

On wheel of fortune, the spokesperson interviews each person standing by their game position. the spokesperson gets to the last contestant and asks: "what is your name?"
this woman was a large, black, and chubby chick.
she replies "Treasure."
a man in the crowd whispers to his friend 'wanna know why they named her treasure?"
"sure" he replies
"because when she was born, they wanted so desperately to bury her."

Show it who's boss.

You could spend hours, days, or weeks desperately over analyzing it. You could sit there forever trying to put the pieces back together. Or you you can throw that puzzle on the ground and show it who's boss.


Why did the baker have so many customers?

He desperately kneaded the dough!

A man was being chased in the woods by a lion who was going to eat him...

He ran his hardest, but the lion was advancing quickly. Just as it looked like the end for him, he decided on a last ditch effort. Being Catholic, he looked to the sky, dropped to his knees, and desperately prayed. "Lord!" he exclaimed. "Make this lion a Christian!" Instantly the lion pressed his paws together and prayed "For this meal in which I am about to partake..."

Desperately joke, A man was being chased in the woods by a lion who was going to eat him...

Cruise ship and the bearded man

From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

A cruise ship passed a tiny, isolated island.

Everyone on board could see a bearded man on the island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"

"I have no idea," said the Captain, "but every year when we pass by here, he goes nuts."

I think if Abraham Lincoln were alive today...

He would probably look around, scream, and then desperately claw at the inside of his coffin.

A man desperately clings to reality as he laid on his mothers grave.

Another man walks by and says "Good mourning!"

You can explore desperately urgently reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean desperately helplessly dad jokes. There are also desperately puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I'm desperately trying to stop sleeping with a lying, drug taking, foul-mouthed nun.

I'm finding it hard to quit the bad habit.

Two hunters are out in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses. The other hunter pulls out his phone and calls 911

"My friend is dead, what am I going to do?" the hunter desperately asks.
"Just take is easy, I will help you. First; you need to make sure that he really is dead." the operator replies calmly.
#BANG
"Ok, now what?"

If Great Britian leaves the EU then it will be like its own Hong Kong

Owned by the British, surprisingly prosperous for its size, and desperately longing to be white.

What do climate change scientists and Donald Trump have in common?

Each is desperately hoping the other is a hoax.

A Man Looking for a Job

There's a man desperately looking for a job, but he doesn't know how to spell. No one will hire him. One boss says ''Look I'll hire you if you learn how to spell properly. The man goes away, he spends weeks and weeks learning how to spell.

Finally he comes back. The boss says ''Okay, you have three attempts, spell clitoris''. The man says ''K-L-I-T-O''. ''No, no, no, you have two more attempts. The man tries again ''K-L-I-''. No, no you have one more go, now come on. The man thinks for a while okay ''I think I have it , K-'' No. no. no. The man says ''Ah Jaysus and I had it on the tip of my tongue there last night.

Desperately joke, A Man Looking for a Job

If Abraham Lincoln was alive today...

He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.

I desperately needed to pass gas!

and I was in the restaurant .......... when I suddenly realized The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Relationships are either like eating pizza all the time or crippling diarrhea.

You either end up fat and out of shape, or doubled over in crippling pain desperately wiping away what's left when it finally ends.


I'm desperately trying to find someone who can fix my headboard…

I'm banging my head against the wall…

I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed

I desperately need to see kelp

Gorgeous Thai in a short skirt...

...was sitting opposite me on the bus, and I'm desperately thinking "don't get an erection... don't get an erection..."

but she did.

In these times of scandal, most Americans desperately want to see fewer sex offenders in positions of power

But Republicans want Moore

What's invisible when they desperately need help, but is immediately noticed whenever there's a problem?

Black men in America.

Harold and David are out hunting when David collapses and stops breathing.

Desperately Harold searches for a pulse but can't find one. He whips out his phone and dials 911 and blurts, 'My friend had just dropped dead! What should I do?' A soothing voice on the other end says, 'OK, OK. Just relax. First, let's make sure he really is dead.' After a brief silence the operator hears a shot ring out. Then Harold comes back to the phone. 'OK,' he says nervously, 'what do I do next?'

Who is the one player Croatia desperately need?

Scratchic'

I told a salesman I desperately needed a new TV.

"Do you plan on mounting it?" he asked.

"No," I said. "I'm not *that* desperate."

I make donations to help bring vermin the flotation devices they desperately need.

Support your local buoys and squirrels club!

Why did the football team hire Vietnamese coaches?

They desperately needed some Nguyens.

Chief Justice John Roberts is visiting the White House for Thanksgiving

Trump is desperately trying to have himself legally declared a turkey.

When we were kids we used to desperately wait for the period to get over.

Nothing changed ever since.

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.

The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.

A broken English speaker told a joke to a boy.

The broken English speaker, a man, told the boy a joke about a sword-fighting pirate that desperately hated the wind.

However, the boy, being so young, missed the joke.

No, no, no, said the man. Arr slash whoosh.

Coffee Shop

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass gas.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my butt trumpet to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod with earbuds.

Timed Gas

Timed Gas

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to the music on my Samsung phone with an ear-piece.

A man broke into Battersea Dog's Home and released all the dogs.

Police are desperately searching for leads.

There's been 3 murders in the last month and the police are looking for a man with one eye.

If they wanted to find him that desperately, you'd think they will use both eyes.

What do Michael Jackson and USA have in common?

They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.

A drummer needed a car, but only had $200

A drummer desperately needed a car, any car, to get to work, but he only had $200. He called his friend who owned a used car lot and explained the situation.

You're in luck, the friend told the drummer. I've got a brand new Jaguar. Runs great. Looks great. For you, only $200. One small problem: it doesn't have any doors.

The drummer let out a mournful sigh and said that's no good – how'm I gonna get in?

A man rolls through a Stop sign…

An officer sees this, and pulls the man over.

Do you know why I pulled you over? The officer asks.

No sir, the man replies.

Then please step out of the vehicle, the officer commands. The man complies, and the officer starts rapidly beating him with his baton.

Ow ow stop! Stop! The man cries out desperately.

The cop says, Oh, would you like me to stop, or just slow down?

I was in the bar yesterday...

when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.


The music was really really loud, so I timed my Farts with the beats. After a couple of songs I started to feel better.


I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered I was listening to my iPod.

A man rides a pony into a bar

A man charges through the front door of his local saloon, perched on the back of a pony. He rushes to the bar and says Bartender, I need a hot tea, as quick as you can!

The bartender, taken aback, says Sir! You can't ride that thing in here! And why do you so desperately need a hot tea?!

The man leans forward, looks the bartender square in the eye, and slowly pets the pony's mane.

Mister , he exclaims, I'm feeling a little horse .

My boss called me. He was very angry.

"You're late!" he shrieked. "We've got a big meeting in five minutes!"

"I'm on my way to my car as we speak," I replied.

"Do you think you'll make it?" he asked desperately.

I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

A concerned citizen sees a distraught woman wandering around desperately calling out for someone she had become separated from...

Ever vigilant, the concerned citizen offers his help and asks what the lost individual looks like, and the woman describes a young girl who looks a little like her.

They decide to split up to cover more ground, and after a while the concern citizen sees a girl who matches the description. "Denise! Denise, is that you?" he asked.

She paused half a beat and sneered, "Of course I'm de niece, ya dingus. Where da hell is de aunt?"

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order.

So, I just held it for 20 minutes.

The woman opposite me stared at me in disgust and said, "is that shit in your hand?"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the desperately finally jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working desperately eventually piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes