Desperate Jokes

119 desperate jokes and hilarious desperate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about desperate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for a bit of relief during these tough times? Take a look through this article to have a good laugh! Read about desperate housewives, Desperate Dan, and a desperate guy who begs an optometrist for food. Enjoy these funny yet heartfelt tales of off-beat humor in the midst of hunger and despair.

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Short Desperate Jokes
Desperate One Liners
Desperate Guy Jokes
Desperate Men Jokes
More Desperate Jokes

Funniest Desperate Short Jokes

Short desperate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The desperate humour may include short desperation jokes also.

I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...
I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!
I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
If Abraham Lincoln was alive today... He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.
How does a cat like its steak cooked... Raaaaaaaare.
I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.
I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction.. .. Desperate to win Her back.
I like my women the way Ethiopians like their food. Any way I can get it, I'm so desperate at this point.
Trump is about to become the only President to be impeached twice He's desperate to prove that anything a Democrat can do, he can do better and in half the time.
What do Michael Jackson and USA have in common? They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.
"Science and religion don't mix," said the priests... ...in a desperate attempt to exclude the DNA evidence.
I told a salesman I desperately needed a new TV. "Do you plan on mounting it?" he asked.
"No," I said. "I'm not *that* desperate."

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Desperate One Liners

Which desperate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with desperate? I can suggest the ones about hopeless and exasperated.

I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed I desperately need to see kelp
What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil? A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok
What do you call a lake that's desperately trying to be modest? A koi pond.
Why did the baker have so many customers? He desperately kneaded the dough!
What do you call it when a cell is determined to produce ATP? Cellular Desperation
What's something not even the most desperate thief would steal? My virginity.
What would you call a woman who goes out with You? Desperate!
What is a desperate strawberry? A berry on its last straw...
Who is the one player Croatia desperately need? Scratchic'
I was desperate, I *needed* a recipe for Indian bread! But I found naan...
Bakers are desperate thieves. (They really knead the dough.)
Why did the football team hire Vietnamese coaches? They desperately needed some Nguyens.
20 Animals Who Desperately Need To Hit The Gym | divide.club
Evolution's driving mechanism is nature's desperate attempt to escape Chuck Norris.
GDPR emails are like... desperate ex-girlfriends that won't stop rambling

Desperate Guy Jokes

Here is a list of funny desperate guy jokes and even better desperate guy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

A guy at my work was so desperate of an alcoholic that he started drinking brake fluid. He said he could stop at any time though.
Don't be desperate guys,.. There's a pigeon for every french fry
Hear about that guy who was so desperate for accolades that he framed his parking citation?

Desperate Men Jokes

Here is a list of funny desperate men jokes and even better desperate men puns that will make you laugh with friends.

What's invisible when they desperately need help, but is immediately noticed whenever there's a problem? Black men in America.
What's the best board game for someone that's experienced a great deal of desperation from the opposite gender? Men all plea

Desperate joke, What's the best board game for someone that's experienced a great deal of desperation from the oppos

Gather Around for Heartwarming Desperate Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about desperate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean frustrated jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make desperate pranks.

Did you pay the VISA bill?

A man and a woman end up on a deserted island. He is desperate and cries:" oh, honey we're gonna die so young. Nobody will ever find us here!!!" She is very calm and relaxed. "Don't panic , dear, we'll be OK in few hours, I forgot to pay our VISA bill, the'll find us, don't worry"

Jewish Business

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Caught Short

Two dwarfs have just won the lottery, so they go out and hire two prostitutes and two hotel rooms. The first dwarf tries desperately all night to get an e**..., but all he can hear from the next room is, 'One, two, three, huh!'. This goes on all night.
The next morning, the second dwarf asks, 'So how did it go?'. The first dwarf replies, 'Shit, I couldn't get an e**.... How was your night?'. The second dwarf turns round and replies, 'Even worse, I couldn't even get on the bed.'

Running from a bear...

A hiker surprises a large Grizzly in the woods. The Bruin gives chase and as the man crashed blindly through the brush, he suddenly finds himself standing on a precipice overlooking a deep canyon. The bear is nearly upon him when the man in desperation shouts to the heavens, "Lord, give this bear some religion!" At that moment the bear drops to his knees in earnest prayer, "Our heavenly Father, Thank you for this meal I'm about to receive..."

Jets Fan

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.
The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."

This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket b**... its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud c**... the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and.......

The coffin stops

Show it who's boss.

You could spend hours, days, or weeks desperately over analyzing it. You could sit there forever trying to put the pieces back together. Or you you can throw that puzzle on the ground and show it who's boss.

Three men died on Christmas Eve...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The p**... replied, "These are Carols".

What do pennies and fat chicks have in common?

Unless you're broke and desperate, they're not worth picking up.

A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...

A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles.
The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him:
-- Rabbi, what can be done?!
-- Do you still have the internet connection?
-- Yes!
-- Sell the ship!

A man looking for work

A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"

So p**... was driving down the street

And he was in a sweat. He was late for an important business meeting and he couldn't find a place to park. In desperation he looked up to god and prayed, "if you find me a parking space, I will go to mass every Sunday from now on and give up drinking whiskey." Miraculously a spot appeared. p**... looked up again and said, "nevermind, I found on."

A man was being chased in the woods by a lion who was going to eat him...

He ran his hardest, but the lion was advancing quickly. Just as it looked like the end for him, he decided on a last ditch effort. Being Catholic, he looked to the sky, dropped to his knees, and desperately prayed. "Lord!" he exclaimed. "Make this lion a Christian!" Instantly the lion pressed his paws together and prayed "For this meal in which I am about to partake..."

A man out of work...

...sees an opening at the zoo. The head zookeeper says to him "Our ape just died and it's too expensive to replace him. Can you dress up in an ape suit and run around the ape pen? The man, desperate for a job, agrees. The next day, he does his thing as the ape, but while hopping from tree to tree, falls in the lion pen. The lion chases him around for a while, to thunderous applause from the crowd. The lion finally tackles the man and says "Do you want to get us both fired?"

They say male lions will often turn to cannibalism when they're desperate for food.

They just have to s**... their pride.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Just read this in an email, thought it worthy of sharing.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket b**... its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud c**... the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops

It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'

Ethnographic expedition lost in the Sub-Saharan Africa

An Ethnographic expedition lost in the Sub-Saharan Africa. The head of expedition, a prominent Russian scientist, Artem Pizdobolov, have bad news and good news to tell his comrades. First the bad news, he said. We run out of food and water. There left only camel's dung. Tell us a good news fellow travelers asked in desperation. The good new is that we have that camel dung in abundance.

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

Cruise ship and the bearded man

From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

A purple man has a purple wife.

They have two purple kids and live in a big purple house. One day they decide to take a vacation, so they all pile into their purple car, drive it to their purple boat, and set out to sea. Sadly the boat crashes and they are stranded on a small island. The purple man looks to the heavens in desperation and cries, "Oh no! We've been marooned!"

A pious woman was possessed by a d**...

She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the d**.... As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"
She was repossessed.

So this atheist explorer is in trouble...

...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm s**...!'
Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'
The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.
The voice says 'NOW you're s**...!'

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking s**... questions.

A cruise ship passed a tiny, isolated island.

Everyone on board could see a bearded man on the island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"
"I have no idea," said the Captain, "but every year when we pass by here, he goes nuts."

You see that wall?

A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says,
'You see that wall?'
And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!'
He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?'
They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!'
'Well I didn't!'

Desperate Need of Good Jokes

Basically I've had the s**... day/month and I could really do with some cheering up.
Hit me with your cheesiest and amazingly bad jokes :-)))

A man walking in the street sees a coffin bouncing toward him

Terrified, he runs away, between cars, through front yards, nothing works
Finally, he runs into a pharmacy, and out of desperation throws a bottle of cough syrup at it
Only then does the coffin' stop

A Monkey passes away at a zoo, and they have no other Monkey's in the zoo

A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling for help, the Lion approaches him and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.

I think if Abraham Lincoln were alive today...

He would probably look around, scream, and then desperately claw at the inside of his coffin.

Here's one from Russia

A guy is late for an important meeting but can't find a place to park.
In desperation, he begins to pray.
"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink v**... again!"
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
"Never mind. Found one!"

A monkey at a zoo passes away, and no monkeys are left to replace it

A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, he is pretending to be a monkey, and after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling and screaming for help, the Lion approaches him and the man prepares for the end. The lion opens its mouth and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"

Two hunters are out in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses. The other hunter pulls out his phone and calls 911

"My friend is dead, what am I going to do?" the hunter desperately asks.
"Just take is easy, I will help you. First; you need to make sure that he really is dead." the operator replies calmly.
#BANG
"Ok, now what?"

If Great Britian leaves the EU then it will be like its own Hong Kong

Owned by the British, surprisingly prosperous for its size, and desperately longing to be white.

A woman must walk 5 paces behind...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

What do climate change scientists and Donald Trump have in common?

Each is desperately hoping the other is a hoax.

Not sure if this is the right place to post, but after the US election results from last night, I need help creating a new dating website. It will help desperate American men and women find love in Canada.

It'll be called ehHarmony

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

A newly wedded desperate soldier sends a hand-grenade to his mother-in-law, with a note:

Dearest Mom,
If you pull this ring, I'll be able to get 3 days leave.

Two men are lost in the desert

Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.
He turned to the man behind him and said, "I guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination."

I desperately needed to pass gas!

and I was in the restaurant .......... when I suddenly realized The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

I'm thinking about becoming a Catholic..

Only because I haven't been touched s**... in years and I'm desperate.

A young kid was smart, but was failing math.

He simply refused to apply himself. The parents tried everything to no avail. Finally, in desperation, they put him into a private Catholic school. When they got his first report card they were delighted to see he got an A in math. They asked him what had finally motivated him. He said "When I first walked into the school and saw that guy on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew these guys were serious."

I was so desperate to fix a problem...

That I looked on the second page of Google to find the answer.

In desperation I've been trying to meet girls through my Ouija Board

But they keep ghosting me

Only o**... can Save Her

A man's wife goes into a coma.
The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have o**... s**... with her"
The man says"my god...."
Doctor says "I know I know, but I've seen it work"
The man says "ok doc, I'll try anything, I'm desperate"
He goes into his wifes room, closes the door behind him. He comes out five minutes later and says"Doc, I dont think it's working....she's choking"

Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.
"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"
"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and s**... the poison out. Can you do that?"
"Gotcha."
The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"
"They said you'll die, dude."

Why did the lonely clock call the lonely ruler?

Cause desperate times call for desperate measures.

Desperate for money, I robbed a bank today. My heart sank when I heard a voice boom, "This is the police! We have all the exits surrounded, so come out with your hands up!"

I escaped through the entrance...

Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

A man and a woman get stuck in an elevator and after a long time, it seems there is nobody to come to their rescue.

Desperate, the woman whispers: "Oh when this is the end, please let me really feel like a woman, for a last time."
The man immediately tears off his shirt,............

....
throws it to the ground and yells:
"Wash and iron, and hurry up!"

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.
The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.

A broken English speaker told a joke to a boy.

The broken English speaker, a man, told the boy a joke about a sword-fighting pirate that desperately hated the wind.
However, the boy, being so young, missed the joke.
No, no, no, said the man. Arr slash whoosh.

What sort of girlfriend a potato wants?

A sweet potato
Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

I bought a racing snail

I bought a racing snail but it kept losing. In desperation I removed it's shell, thinking it would be lighter and faster.
It didn't work, it became more sluggish.

Timed Gas

Timed Gas
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to the music on my Samsung phone with an ear-piece.

‌‌My L‌‌esbian neighbours Jane a‌‌nd Caroline a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌ecently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌ere desperate to have a baby.
For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

A man broke into Battersea Dog's Home and released all the dogs.

Police are desperately searching for leads.

A walruses car broke down.

While waiting for the mechanic to troubleshoot the problem he decided to walk to the ice cream parlor. He ordered a vanilla ice cream cone and ate it while walking back to the car shop. As he finished the last bite he realized he forgot to grab a napkin. As he desperately tried to clean his very sticky face and hands the mechanic step out of the garage. Looks like you blew a seal the mechanic said. No the walrus replied it's just ice cream .

A doctor is performing surgery on his patient.

All of a sudden the door swings open and in comes running a desperate man. He shouts help me doctor, im shrinking!!! The doctor calmly says Settle down a bit, you can't just come barging in here like that...you'll have to learn to be a little patient

There's been 3 murders in the last month and the police are looking for a man with one eye.

If they wanted to find him that desperately, you'd think they will use both eyes.

A drummer needed a car, but only had $200

A drummer desperately needed a car, any car, to get to work, but he only had $200. He called his friend who owned a used car lot and explained the situation.
You're in luck, the friend told the drummer. I've got a brand new Jaguar. Runs great. Looks great. For you, only $200. One small problem: it doesn't have any doors.
The drummer let out a mournful sigh and said that's no good – how'm I gonna get in?

A man is late for an important meeting

A man is late for an important meeting.
But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink v**... again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop and take some cash out. I've got thousands of dollars in cash at home, yet every day i feel desperate to go to the bank and take out more.
What's wrong with me?"
The psychiatrist replied
"It sounds like you're having Withdrawal Symptoms."

A man rolls through a Stop sign…

An officer sees this, and pulls the man over.
Do you know why I pulled you over? The officer asks.
No sir, the man replies.
Then please step out of the vehicle, the officer commands. The man complies, and the officer starts rapidly beating him with his baton.
Ow ow stop! Stop! The man cries out desperately.
The cop says, Oh, would you like me to stop, or just slow down?

I was in the bar yesterday...

when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really really loud, so I timed my Farts with the beats. After a couple of songs I started to feel better.
I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered I was listening to my iPod.

A man rides a pony into a bar

A man charges through the front door of his local saloon, perched on the back of a pony. He rushes to the bar and says Bartender, I need a hot tea, as quick as you can!
The bartender, taken aback, says Sir! You can't ride that thing in here! And why do you so desperately need a hot tea?!
The man leans forward, looks the bartender square in the eye, and slowly pets the pony's mane.
Mister , he exclaims, I'm feeling a little horse .

Tinder hookups are like microwave dinners.

Done in 2 minutes, looks nothing like the picture, but just good enough to make you come back for more when you are desperate and nothing better is available

My boss called me. He was very angry.

"You're late!" he shrieked. "We've got a big meeting in five minutes!"
"I'm on my way to my car as we speak," I replied.
"Do you think you'll make it?" he asked desperately.
I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

A man breaks into a wealthy persons house

He hears a sobbing noise coming from around the corner so he goes to check what it is. He peeks around the corner to see a body guard sobbing saying "I C c can't believe boss forgot my birthday, I thought he was m my f f friend uhoo hoo" so he turns around and goes the opposite direction desperate to escape with something. He spots a door at the end of the hallway that appears to have been left unlocked he opens to find the houses owner. He says "YOU!! How did you get past my security" the robber says "you let your guard down"