The Best 82 Desperate Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Desperate jokes. There are some desperate needy jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these desperate helpless puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Desperate Jokes and Puns

I recently met the most desperate hooker.

Infact so desperate that she's willing to be tied up, beaten and flogged by the customers to earn some extra money.

She was strapped for cash.

I got pulled over by the police ...

He came to the window and said papers ...

I said - scissors, I win - and drove off

He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

Did you pay the VISA bill?

A man and a woman end up on a deserted island. He is desperate and cries:" oh, honey we're gonna die so young. Nobody will ever find us here!!!" She is very calm and relaxed. "Don't panic , dear, we'll be OK in few hours, I forgot to pay our VISA bill, the'll find us, don't worry"

Desperate joke, Did you pay the VISA bill?

Baby talk is confusing, desperate to find out if the baby was in pain I had to do it I had to ...

... Google gaga.

Jewish Business

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"

The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Desperately trying to recall this joke

Many eons ago Billy Crystal told a joke on Letterman involving an old Jewish guy arguing with a younger guy. They go back and forth until finally the young guy says something that proves the old guy's point and the old guy says, "Ah-haaah!" in a Yiddish voice.

Anybody remember that joke? It's been driving me nuts for years.

Jets Fan

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.

The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.

The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"

"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."

Desperate joke, Jets Fan

What do pennies and fat chicks have in common?

Unless you're broke and desperate, they're not worth picking up.

I like my women the way Ethiopians like their food.

Any way I can get it, I'm so desperate at this point.

An angel goes to give humanity the Commandments.

The angel goes to the French and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The French ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The French tell the angel they aren't interested.

The angel goes to the Germans and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Germans ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shalt not kill." The Germans tell the angel they aren't interested.

The angel goes to the Italians and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Italians ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not steal." The Italians tell the angel they aren't interested.

Desperate, the angel goes to the Jews and says, "Please. I'm trying to get rid of these Commandments. Would you like them?" The Jews ask how much they are and the angel replies, "Absolutely free!" to which the Jews reply "We'll take 10!"

A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...

A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles.

The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him:

-- Rabbi, what can be done?!

-- Do you still have the internet connection?

-- Yes!

-- Sell the ship!

You can explore desperate hunger reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean desperate relieve dad jokes. There are also desperate puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

A man looking for work

A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"

A man out of work...

...sees an opening at the zoo. The head zookeeper says to him "Our ape just died and it's too expensive to replace him. Can you dress up in an ape suit and run around the ape pen? The man, desperate for a job, agrees. The next day, he does his thing as the ape, but while hopping from tree to tree, falls in the lion pen. The lion chases him around for a while, to thunderous applause from the crowd. The lion finally tackles the man and says "Do you want to get us both fired?"

They say male lions will often turn to cannibalism when they're desperate for food.

They just have to swallow their pride.

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

A pious woman was possessed by a demon

She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the demon. As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"

She was repossessed.

Desperate joke, A pious woman was possessed by a demon

Two sociologists came upon a man lying distraught in the gutter after being beaten and robbed ...

As they looked down upon the battered and bleeding body one of them remarked- we must find the people responsible for this terrible attack, they're obviously in desperate need of our help .

A piece of string walks into a bar...

... and he's desperate for a drink.
The barman takes a look at him and points to a sign that says "No String Allowed".
The Barman asks "Are you a piece of string?"
"No, I'm afraid not!"

What do a chop shop and a desperate actress have in common?

They both strip for parts!

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):

C: Was this meat barking or meowing?

V: It was asking stupid questions.

Men's Room, Men's Rules

A long line leading to the ladies' room greeted my friend's wife. Since desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend took her 
into the empty men's room, then stood guard. When she exited a few minutes later, a man waiting his turn called out, I hope you remembered to put up the toilet seat.

ISIS fighters dress as women in desperate attempt to flee battlefield

They literally had to drag themselves out of the battlefield.

I was desperate, I *needed* a recipe for Indian bread!

But I found naan...

Optometry jokes

I just started optometry school and I'm in desperate need of optometry jokes. Any suggestions?

Desperate Need of Good Jokes

Basically I've had the shittiest day/month and I could really do with some cheering up.
Hit me with your cheesiest and amazingly bad jokes :-)))

A Monkey passes away at a zoo, and they have no other Monkey's in the zoo

A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling for help, the Lion approaches him and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"

A monkey at a zoo passes away, and no monkeys are left to replace it

A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, he is pretending to be a monkey, and after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling and screaming for help, the Lion approaches him and the man prepares for the end. The lion opens its mouth and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"

I'm desperately trying to stop sleeping with a lying, drug taking, foul-mouthed nun.

I'm finding it hard to quit the bad habit.

What is a desperate strawberry?

A berry on its last straw...

I was desperate for a job, so my friend offered me one as a test subject in a wind tunnel

But i wasnt a fan

Clinton is so desperate to make her image more like Bernie...

He's old so she has to get a Kaine

Not sure if this is the right place to post, but after the US election results from last night, I need help creating a new dating website. It will help desperate American men and women find love in Canada.

It'll be called ehHarmony

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

A newly wedded desperate soldier sends a hand-grenade to his mother-in-law, with a note:

Dearest Mom,
If you pull this ring, I'll be able to get 3 days leave.

A lottery winner realizes years later that her life is ruined from having too much money

In a desperate attempt to get her old life back, she's suing the lottery company for millions in damages.

Two men are lost in the desert

Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.

He turned to the man behind him and said, "I guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination."

I desperately needed to pass gas!

and I was in the restaurant .......... when I suddenly realized The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

I'm desperately trying to find someone who can fix my headboard…

I'm banging my head against the wall…

I'm thinking about becoming a Catholic..

Only because I haven't been touched sexually in years and I'm desperate.

My costume for Halloween is a sign that says "Wanna date?"

If anyone asks what I am, I will say I'm desperate.

I was so desperate to fix a problem...

That I looked on the second page of Google to find the answer.

My wife was blocking my way one day, reading her book on sheep, when I was desperate for the toilet. I couldn't hold it any longer,

so I went on a rampage.

Only Oral can Save Her

A man's wife goes into a coma.

The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have oral sex with her"

The man says"my god...."

Doctor says "I know I know, but I've seen it work"

The man says "ok doc, I'll try anything, I'm desperate"

He goes into his wifes room, closes the door behind him. He comes out five minutes later and says"Doc, I dont think it's working....she's choking"

Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.

"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"

"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and suck the poison out. Can you do that?"


The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"

"They said you'll die, dude."

Why did the lonely clock call the lonely ruler?

Cause desperate times call for desperate measures.

The hospital were desperate they couldn't find anyone to help deliver a lady's baby!

...They we're having a midwife crisis.

When the famous baseball curse started, the Red Sox were desperate to win.

They were totally ruthless.

Desperate for money, I robbed a bank today. My heart sank when I heard a voice boom, "This is the police! We have all the exits surrounded, so come out with your hands up!"

I escaped through the entrance...

Why was Kim Jong-Un so desperate to sit down with president Trump and have a serious talk?

Because he's a chairman

I once had to eat beans out of a can work a teaspoon

Desperate times call for desperate measures...

I told a salesman I desperately needed a new TV.

"Do you plan on mounting it?" he asked.

"No," I said. "I'm not *that* desperate."

In Need of Some Very Urgent Pun Help

I need as many puns/jokes that involve the name Emma as possible. I realize this isn't exactly what this sub is for, but I am desperate.

An insanely desperate and lonely woman passes a note to a handsome young man,

Now that you have my number, if you want to get married just give me a ring!

What do Feminists and The Homeless have in common?

They're both desperate for change, but ignoring them seem to work.

Bakers are desperate thieves.

(They really knead the dough.)

What do you call it when an incel threatens to kill himself when someone doesn't respond to his desperate and creepy messages?

Fake noose.

The local sex store is desperate for workers

Due to high demands, any position is on the table

During a fire, I carried a woman down twenty one flights of stairs.

That's how desperate she was to see it across the road.

A guy at my work was so desperate of an alcoholic that he started drinking brake fluid.

He said he could stop at any time though.

A boat full of realtors was hit by a rogue wave

The boat, which they had christened "Million Dollar" had taken on quite a lot of water. The panicked realtors hurriedly bailed water using any objects they could find.

They were desperate to hold on to their boat, so they radioed for help: 'million dollar - listing'.

A man and a woman get stuck in an elevator and after a long time, it seems there is nobody to come to their rescue.

Desperate, the woman whispers: "Oh when this is the end, please let me really feel like a woman, for a last time."

The man immediately tears off his shirt,............


throws it to the ground and yells:

"Wash and iron, and hurry up!"

What sort of girlfriend a potato wants?

A sweet potato

Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

What's something not even the most desperate thief would steal?

My virginity.

What did the clock do to the ruler during the apocalypse?

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

Two men were breaking into a high security software company...

They couldn't get their code breaker to work for the back door, so, in a last desperate attempt to short circuit the security, one of them peed on the access panel.

It began smoking, a couple sparks flew, and boom, the back door clicked open.

They looked at each other, impressed and relieved.


There once was a double bass player who always had problems with timing. Over time it got him so desperate and frustrated that he...

...threw himself behind a train

What did the the desperate gay rooster say?

Any-cock'll do!

β€Œβ€ŒMy Lβ€Œβ€Œesbian neighbours Jane aβ€Œβ€Œnd Caroline aβ€Œβ€Œsked mβ€Œβ€Œe tβ€Œβ€Œo hβ€Œβ€Œelp tβ€Œβ€Œhem cβ€Œβ€Œonceive aβ€Œβ€Œ cβ€Œβ€Œhild rβ€Œβ€Œecently.

They sβ€Œβ€Œaid tβ€Œβ€Œhey wβ€Œβ€Œouldn't mβ€Œβ€Œind iβ€Œβ€Œf wβ€Œβ€Œe dβ€Œβ€Œid iβ€Œβ€Œt tβ€Œβ€Œhe oβ€Œβ€Œld fβ€Œβ€Œashioned wβ€Œβ€Œay aβ€Œβ€Œs tβ€Œβ€Œhey wβ€Œβ€Œere desperate to have a baby.

For sβ€Œβ€Œix mβ€Œβ€Œonths nβ€Œβ€Œow wβ€Œβ€Œe've bβ€Œβ€Œeen tβ€Œβ€Œrying bβ€Œβ€Œut Iβ€Œβ€Œ jβ€Œβ€Œust dβ€Œβ€Œon't hβ€Œβ€Œave tβ€Œβ€Œhe hβ€Œβ€Œeart tβ€Œβ€Œo tβ€Œβ€Œell tβ€Œβ€Œhem Iβ€Œβ€Œ hβ€Œβ€Œad aβ€Œβ€Œ vβ€Œβ€Œasectomy lβ€Œβ€Œast yβ€Œβ€Œear.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

A doctor is performing surgery on his patient.

All of a sudden the door swings open and in comes running a desperate man. He shouts help me doctor, im shrinking!!! The doctor calmly says Settle down a bit, you can't just come barging in here like'll have to learn to be a little patient

Trump is about to become the only President to be impeached twice

He's desperate to prove that anything a Democrat can do, he can do better and in half the time.

How does a cat like its steak cooked...


I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

Tinder hookups are like microwave dinners.

Done in 2 minutes, looks nothing like the picture, but just good enough to make you come back for more when you are desperate and nothing better is available

"Science and religion don't mix," said the priests... a desperate attempt to exclude the DNA evidence.

A constipated man goes to the pharmacy for laxatives

Man: Box of laxatives please

Chemist: Sorry I'm out of stock

Man: What, again? But I'm desperate

Chemist: Well that's tough shit I'm afraid

A man breaks into a wealthy persons house

He hears a sobbing noise coming from around the corner so he goes to check what it is. He peeks around the corner to see a body guard sobbing saying "I C c can't believe boss forgot my birthday, I thought he was m my f f friend uhoo hoo" so he turns around and goes the opposite direction desperate to escape with something. He spots a door at the end of the hallway that appears to have been left unlocked he opens to find the houses owner. He says "YOU!! How did you get past my security" the robber says "you let your guard down"

I was desperate for a piss at the pool....

I was at the swimming pool last week, and you know when you're absolutely bursting for a piss but the toilets are way over there?

I thought: "weeelllll..... everyone else does it..."

So I decided just to let one slip out in the pool.

The lifeguard must have spotted me though. He shouted at me so loud I nearly fell off the diving board.

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order.

So, I just held it for 20 minutes.

The woman opposite me stared at me in disgust and said, "is that shit in your hand?"

A man is looking for a parking space...

And, starting to get desperate, he prays to God. "Oh lord, deliver unto me a parking space, and I swear devoutly to give up all my sinful vices, and go to church weekly."

The clouds part and a ray of sun shines down on the only empty parking space. Overjoyed, the man continues.

"Nevermind, found one."

After facing down the sadistic bowling ball who just finished killing his entire family, the last remaining bowling pin had one final, desperate plea as the ball menacingly approached him...

"Spare me."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the desperate distraught jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working desperate desperate men piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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